Phil Spector Murder Trial

After Monday's little diversion into 'Phil Spector wanting to shoot every woman on planet Earth in the face' territory, the Phil Spector murder trial is back on course, listening to people talk about how depressed Lana Clarkson was.

To help the people of the jury figure out once and for all whether Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson or Lana Clarkson murdered Lana Clarkson, Phil Spector's defence yesterday called Jennifer Hayes-Riedl as a witness - a friend of Lana Clarkson who couldn't stop talking about depressed Clarkson was right before she died. Not only that, but Jennifer Hayes-Riedl's physical resemblance to Lana Clarkson is unusually strong, and it's thought that the defence is planning to use the fact that Phil Spector didn't take one look at Hayes-Riedl, hurdle across the courtroom screaming "you fucking cunt" and shoot her in the face wiggling his lesbian hair like a Beatle as proof that he probably didn't kill Lana Clarkson.

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Talk about bad timing - someone has come forward and claimed that Phil Spector once ranted about how all women deserved to be shot in the head, and right when Phil Spector was standing trial for shooting a woman in the head, too.

Vincent Tannazzo, a former bodyguard for Joan Rivers, has testified in the Phil Spector murder trial that he once escorted Phil Spector out of a Christmas party for the way that he kept ranting about how he wanted to shoot all women in the head. Actually, that's a bit of an embellishment - Phil Spector didn't say all women deserved to be shot in the head. In actuality Phil Spector said that all "fucking cunts" deserved to be shot in the head, it's claimed. Considering that he's standing trial for doing the very same thing he ranted about, Phil Spector finds himself in the biggest hole of the murder trial yet, and it calls for serious action on his part - like a new, even more lesbianish wig.

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So that it, it's decided. Phil Spector couldn't have possibly shot Lana Clarkson in the mouth and killed her because he's so old and weak and frail that Lana Clarkson would have body-slammed him through a brick wall if he'd even tried.

That's the claim made yesterday by Dr Vincent DiMaio during his third day on the stand at the Phil Spector murder trial. The Phil Spector-employed forensics expert has stated that since Lana Clarkson was younger, taller and fitter than Phil Spector she'd have been able to beat Spector back as he tried to place the gun in her mouth. Vincent DiMaio hasn't yet testified that Lana Clarkson was also so strong that she was able to use her teeth to crush any bullets being fired into her mouth by anyone else but her, but it's though that Phil Spector was keen for that to be the grand finale.

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The Phil Spector murder trial is now focusing on the mental health of Lana Clarkson - probably a good thing, since most healthy-minded women wouldn't have wanted to suck off a kooky old man in a bizarre lesbian wig, as Lana supposedly did.

Again, as on Monday, the Phil Spector murder trial revolved around the testimony of Vincent DiMaio, a forensics expert who Phil Spector is paying $400 an hour. As part of Phil Spector's defence, DiMaio yesterday continued to push the theory that Lana Clarkson killed herself, as opposed to Phil Spector doing it for her. As well as detailing her depression - and her struggles with alcohol and drugs - DiMaio also decided to describe exactly what happens to your tongue when you shoot yourself in the mouth, with the aid of a rubber tongue. Needless to say, it's put us right off the idea of ever shooting ourselves in the mouth. Or sucking off Phil Spector, for that matter.

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The Phil Spector murder trial has gone a bit cold over the last couple of weeks - possibly because the dry discussion of blood spatter patterns isn't exactly as fun as women being all upset because Phil Spector tried to rape them at gunpoint.

But that all changes now, because it's time for Phil Spector's defence to get going. And it'll be an uphill task for Phil Spector's defence team, since the testimonies of several forensic professionals have pointed the finger firmly in the direction of murder. Yesterday the defence started to try and clear Spector's name with the introduction of a new forensics expert who had his own ideas on the matter - although why the defence lawyers don't just stand Phil Spector up and ask the jury how a man who's patently incapable of dressing himself as anything other than a middle-aged lesbian on a cruise ship holiday could ever be able to figure out how to murder anyone is beyond us.

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The terrible thing about murder trials is that there's always someone trying to bring the mood down, like the forensic analyst who insisted on showing everyone at the Phil Spector murder trial all sorts of gory photos of Lana Clarkson's dead body.

Yesterday Lynne Herold, the chief analyst of the forensic evidence against Phil Spector, took to the stand in the ongoing Phil Spector murder trial to provide the courtroom with the most graphic reminder of what happened to Lana Clarkson yet - a number of close-up photographs of her dead body and injuries sustained by the gunshot wound that killed her. It's horrifying images like this that a) act as a sharp wake-up call to the severity of the charges against Phil Spector and b) make us wish that Lana Clarkson was wearing one of Phil Spector's hilarious lesbian wigs when she died so at least we could make a sodding joke about it.

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This week we learnt that none of Phil Spector's DNA was found on the gun that killed Lana Clarkson, but now we've now discovered that pretty much everyone's DNA was splattered all over everyone else's naughty bits like goodness knows what.

Already in the Phil Spector murder trial a detective has opined that Lana Clarkson's death may have had a sexual leaning thanks to the candlelit crime scene and the brandy snifters left on the mantelpiece, but now events have been given a slight nudge in that direction thanks to the revelation that Phil Spector's DNA was found on Lana Clarkson's left breast, what appears to be Lana Clarkson's DNA was found on Phil Spector's genitals and someone else's DNA was found on a different part of Phil Spector's genitals. We've said it before and we'll say it again - with results like that we've got to get our hands on one of those lesbian wigs. 

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Phil Spector murder case investigators were always looking for two pieces of evidence - 1) incriminating traces of Phil Spector's DNA, and 2) some of Phil Spector's hair, as it's made of 100% spun gold and starlight and, as such, is fairly valuable.

Sadly for the investigators, though, they were unable to find either. While the strands of Phil Spector hair alone would have been worth enough to place a downpayment on a large beachside house, the Phil Spector DNA would have probably been enough to convict Phil Spector for the murder of Lana Clarkson. And now a leading criminalist has taken to the stand to admit that no trace of Phil Spector's DNA could be found on the gun that killed Clarkson. Granted, that could be because enough DNA spurted out of Lana Clarkson's face when she was shot in the face to cover up Spector's DNA, but what can you do?

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For all the Phil Spector murder trial shenanigans, nobody has really tried to explain why Phil Spector allegedly shot Lana Clarkson in the mouth, although that's because most people assumed that she laughed at his hair and he got angry.

Not so, says the case's lead investigator Detective Mark Lillienfeld. Lillienfeld is convinced that Lana Clarkson's death was sexually motivated, thanks to subtle clues at the crime scene like the dress that Lana Clarkson was wearing, the false eyelashes left on the candlelit fireside next to the brandy snifters and the fact that Phil Spector had a two-thirds empty packet of Viagra in his suitcase. That's just what we needed - as if the mental image of a tiny man in a lesbian wig shooting a woman in the mouth wasn't disturbing enough, now we have to deal with the mental image of a tiny man in a lesbian wig shooting a woman in the mouth with a medically-assisted hard-on. Lovely.

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There's nothing like the sight of a revolver covered in four-year-old dried blood to sharply remind you that the Phil Spector murder trial is a murder trial and not just an excuse to mock a tiny old man with a range of bewildering haircuts.

And that's what everyone in court for the continuing Phil Spector murder trial discovered yesterday, when the snub-nosed .38 Special that fired the shot that killed Lana Clarkson was shown to the jury, along with several other guns that police found in Phil Spector's home following her death. This gun display effectively means that the prosecution in the Phil Spector murder trial is moving into a new, hyper-serious stage where claims that Phil Spector murdered Lana Clarkson will be repeatedly drilled into the jury. Since that means wisecracks about lesbian haircuts are going to look severely misjudged from now on, we can't pretend that we're not a little upset by this.

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If you're an actress who died of a gunshot wound under mysterious circumstances, the last thing you'd want would be for people to find the diary where you explained how you were visited by the ghost of an actress who shot herself in the head.

But last week that's what Phil Spector's defence team said it had, and promptly asked the judge if it could use the diary as evidence to prove that Lana Clarkson committed suicide instead of getting shot in the face by Phil Spector. However, now the judge has read the diary for himself, it turns out that Lana Clarkson didn't see a vision of an actress who died the exact same way she did, but she saw a shadow move across a window or something instead. And, since the shadow wasn't tiny, didn't have a lesbian haircut and didn't produce River Deep Mountain High, the judge has decided that it can't be used as evidence.

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So far, much of the Phil Spector murder trial has rested on how much of a nutter people think Phil Spector is, but now - for a change - the focus is shifting onto how much of a nutter people think dead Lana Clarkson was instead.

The judge presiding over the Phil Spector murder trial is currently considering whether or not to allow some of Lana Clarkson's diaries to be used as evidence. If they are allowed, they'll be a keystone of Phil Spector's defence, since they contain passages where Lana Clarkson - a washed-up actress who died of a gunshot to the head - has visions of seeing a washed-up actress who killed herself with a gun. Even more damningly, however, are the sections of the diary where Lana Clarkson describes waking up in the morning, eating a bowl of cornflakes, brushing her teeth, shopping for apples, returning home and sort of sitting about in front of the TV a bit waiting for Deal Or No Deal. Damning, we say. 

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