Phil Spector Murder Trial

When hecklerspray was at school we had two types of field trip - the museum and the theme park - and how we wish that there was a third type entitled 'creepy blood-splattered pretend castles where women get shot in the face.'

But since we weren't ever jurors at the Phil Spector murder trial when we were at school, that type of field trip was cruelly denied to us. But, hey, at least we can live vicariously through the real Phil Spector murder trial jury, which yesterday went on a tour of Phil Spector's mock castle in Los Angeles as they try to figure out whether Phil Spector killed Lana Clarkson or Lana Clarkson killed Lana Clarkson. But things didn't go all that well for Phil Spector - not only was a book entitled Men Are From Mars, Women Are Fucking Cunts Who All Deserve To Be Shot In The Head prominently displayed on the bookcase, but Phil Spector didn't even offer the jury any biscuits when they visited. If Phil Spector goes to jail, he'll only have his poor hosting etiquette to blame.

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You know, we're starting to suspect that we're the only people on the face of the Earth who Phil Spector hasn't angrily pulled a gun on - and the raft of women testifying about it in the Phil Spector murder trial is making us feel left out.

Today it's expected that Devra Robitaille, one of Phil Spector's old employees and girlfriends, will take to stand to claim that Phil Spector once held a gun to her head as she attempted to leave his presence. Now, you might be wondering why the prosecution against Phil Spector is bothering with Devra Robitaille's testimony when so many other women have come forward to say the exact same thing about Phil Spector - but Robitaille is unique in that she's the only person who Phil Spector has pulled a gun on that has a first name that sounds a bit like a government farming agency. And, really, that's the key here.

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The defence in the Phil Spector murder trial rested on three main points: that Phil Spector is a midget, that Phil Spector is right-handed and that Lana Clarkson was upset because Michael Bay didn't recognise her once.

While the first two of these points are indisputable - Phil Spector is right-handed and so puny that a newborn baby could probably take him in a fight - the third point had a few more shades of grey to it. Especially to Transformers director Michael Bay, who was so outraged about being vaguely implicated by a witness in the Phil Spector murder trial that he's been brought into court as part of the prosecution's rebuttal to assert that he didn't ignore Lana Clarkson enough for her to kill herself. This latest turn of events has probably put the skids on any sort of future Michael Bay / Phil Spector collaboration - a shame, since we've always wanted to watch a gormless action film about a giant robot in a lesbian wig urinate on an angry government official.

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The Phil Spector murder trial is finally starting to wind down, so yesterday Phil Spector's defence decided to pull out its really big gun - Phil Spector's daughter Nicole, whose gold-plated testimony revealed what hand Phil Spector uses when he writes.

OK, so maybe using Nicole Spector as a defence witness in the dying moments of the Phil Spector murder trial was a bit of a damp squib - especially since the judge and prosecution lawyers immediately stopped her from saying anything other than that Phil Spector was right-handed. But knowing that Phil Spector is right-handed is an important part of the defence's argument - not only does it support the defence's claim that Phil Spector forensically couldn't have murdered Lana Clarkson, but also the Dalai Lama is right-handed, and he's never murdered anyone either. Coincidence? We think not.

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It's fair to say that the only way the defence in the Phil Spector murder trial could have gone any worse was if a giant polar bear escaped from the local zoo, testified that Phil Spector once held a gun to its head and then mauled everyone to death.

In fact, it seems as if Phil Spector's defence team is ready to give up too - it's been announced that Phil Spector's defence will close today, far earlier than expected and without several highly anticipated testimonies, including that of Phil Spector himself. It's the lack of a Phil Spector testimony that especially galls us, because we've been only following his murder trial in the desperate hope that he'd take to the stand and offer some world-class tips on how to keep your lesbian pageboy haircut as lustrous as possible.

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Since it began, the prosecution in the Phil Spector murder trial has done a tip-top job of painting Phil Spector to be a woman-hating, gun-loving, murder-confessing nut - but not tip-top enough to stop Phil Spector trying to get the case dismissed.

Phil Spector's defence team has been attempting to get the charges against Phil Spector either reduced or dropped completely following the resting of the prosecution. According to the defence, the prosecution had not done a good enough job at proving that Phil Spector had 'implied malice', the mark of a murder charge in California. However, the judge in charge of the Phil Spector murder trial chose to continue with the trial, not because of the implied malice of Phil Spector keeping a number of loaded guns in his house - or the implied malice of Phil Spector's history of angry gunplay around women - but the implied malice of Phil Spector's new wig, which the judge claims has been giving him funny looks for a fortnight.

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It's often been said that everyone has at least one book in them, and Stuart James' book might be the one that gets Phil Spector off his murder charge - because Stuart James' book is about the intricacies of gunshot head-wound blood spatter.

Thanks to his unputdownable pulp blockbuster book Scientific And Legal Applications Of Bloodstain Pattern Interpretation (currently at number 1,406,329 with a bullet in the Amazon book charts), Phil Spector has hired Stuart James as a centrepiece defence witness in his ongoing trial for the murder of Lana Clarkson in 2003. And surprise surprise, Stuart James has pointed out that the blood-spatter pattern at the crime scene seems to indicate that Phil Spector was too far away from Lana Clarkson to put a gun in her mouth and shoot her. Physically too far away, we mean. Mentally Phil Spector could have been anywhere - have you seen how that man dresses?

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It's clear that Phil Spector and Punkin Laughlin should totally hook up - between his views about wanting to shoot all women in the face and her views about wanting to electrocute Phil Spector to death you've got a pretty hilarious sitcom premise.

As a witness for Phil Spector's defence, it's Punkin Laughlin's job, in essence, to stand up and tell the world that Lana Clarkson shot herself in Phil Spector's home because she was a drunken depressed drug-addict, while implying that Phil Spector couldn't possibly have murdered her. That job would be a lot easier to accomplish, though, had Punkin Laughlin not gone to a wedding right after Clarkson's death and told people "We need to fry that bastard for killing Lana." Now that Laughlin's testimony has been effectively discredited, the only witness left for Phil Spector to rely on is his trusty wigmaker, who says that Phil Spector is a lovely man who he's only had to tell off for screaming about all the "fucking cunts" who he wants to shoot three or four times.

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The Phil Spector murder trial seems to be slowly grinding to a halt, with witness after witness doing nothing more interesting than pointing out that Lana Clarkson was depressed in the days and weeks before she died.

That was exactly the case yesterday when Lana Clarkson's friend Punkin Laughlin took to the stand to basically repeat what every other one of Phil Spector's defence witnesses have said - that Lana Clarkson was so depressed that she drank and took drugs in the period after her death. However, just when you thought that listening to identical testimonies over and over again was getting a bit old, Laughlin managed to throw up a sliver of brand new evidence into the equation. Not only did Phil Spector not murder Lana Clarkson, she said, but it was Michael Bay who may have inadvertently made her depressed enough to kill herself. And since Lana Clarkson died in the same year that Bad Boys 2 was released, that totally adds up.

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One of the more interesting aspects of the Phil Spector murder trial this week - aside from someone claiming that Phil Spector wanted to shoot every single female on Earth in the face - has probably been a woman talking about fingernails.

Former Phil Spector lawyer Sara Caplain took to the stand yesterday to testify for the prosecution, claiming that she saw Spector's forensics expert Henry Lee swipe a potentially incriminating fragment of Lana Clarkson's fingernail from the crime scene. Caplain had initially been refusing to testify against Spector, although she relented when threatened with jail. All in all, it's thought that this turn of events is the third most interesting fingernail-related Phil Spector fact after the time Phil Spector used a tincan full of monks' fingernails to provide the rhythm for Be My Baby and the time Phil Spector turned up to a party in a wig made exclusively out of fingernails, only to loudly shout that all women deserved to be shot in the face a lot. Possibly.

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