From the category archives:

TV News

Gareth Gates: The Genuine, Horrifying Comeback

by Stuart Heritage

Remember Gareth Gates? Sure you do – as well as being the runner-up in the first series of Pop Idol, Gareth Gates was also the subject of the joke about the boy who went to a shop for a Mars Bar and came out an hour later with 50 packs of M&Ms.

Most of us had happily filed Gareth Gates away with Bubble from Big Brother, the woman who had sex in a tree from Survivor and that constantly furious man from the first series of The Apprentice in a drawer marked ‘reality show hasbeens’. But no! It takes more than not selling any copies of a ridiculously over-ambitious second (double) album, lurid stories about personal lives and generally being seen by everyone as a bit of a nobsack to kill Gareth Gates – as the new Gareth Gates documentary series is hoping to prove.

9 comments Read more >>>

David Bowie Does SpongeBob SquarePants

by Stuart Heritage

He’s a big soft slab of pudgy yellow stuff with crazy eyes who often gets into trouble for his bad memory and his inability to get dressed properly – but that’s enough about David Bowie (we crack ourselves up sometimes).

David Bowie, the man who probably casts the biggest shadow over the modern music scene and whose constant genre-pushing musical explorations across the decades have made him into a genuine legend, has finally hit the bigtime – he’s been signed up to do the voice of a character called Lord Royal Highness on an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. Maybe now David Bowie will be able to give up this whole music thing and get to do what he really loves full-time: doing funny underwater voices and getting paid for it.

8 comments Read more >>>

Grey’s Anatomy Actor-Fight! Bundle!

by Stuart Heritage

If there was an award for Best Medical Drama That We’ve Never Managed To Watch An Entire Episode Of But That Stars The Asian Woman From Sideways then Grey’s Anatomy would totally frigging walk it.

Equally, we’re fairly certain that Grey’s Anatomy would win the Show Where Two Of The Actors Halt Production Because They’re Too Busy Punching The Shit Out Of Each Other award. Because reports are suggesting that’s exactly what happened between Grey’s Anatomy stars Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey on Monday. Now, if only the makers of Grey’s Anatomy could somehow make their show a tenth as exciting as this news is, perhaps we’d be able to sit through a whole episode.

1 comment Read more >>>

Mel Gibson Yaks About Stupid Drunk Jew-Slagging Ramblings

by Stuart Heritage

Sometimes rambling can be a good thing. Other times, like when you’ve been arrested for drink-driving and you feel like discussing everything from the ownership of Malibu to how Jews ruin everything to girls with sugar tits, not so much.

Most people, had they been in a similar situation – and then seen that situation get blown up into one of the biggest stories of the year – would become a recluse living off the What Women Want money, but not Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson has a confusing-looking dead language-scripted movie coming out soon – and that means Mel Gibson has to go on TV, apologise relentlessly for his stupid drunk rambling, declare that he’s not a monster and try to explain the difficult technicalities of trying to pack loose toothpaste into small containers to Diane Sawyer.

8 comments Read more >>>

Must-Watch TV: Sharon Osbourne Tonight – Drunk

by 586 MEDIA

Raise your glasses ‘cos the bitch is back.

You can’t keep a good hellraiser down. According to reports, Sharon Osbourne turned up on set of The Sharon Osbourne Show drunk yesterday. Luckily Sharon Osbourne had a killer excuse for being so hopelessly drunk:

“I’m pissed, but it’s my birthday.”

That’s right, yesterday was Sharon’s 54th. We wonder if she got her alcohol from Asda.

Still, at least we know that under all of those baggy nylon jumpers beats the heart of old hellraiser we know and love. We’re told that Sharon frequently exclaimed “Oh fuck, I made a mistake” throughout filming – some would argue that making the show was a mistake, but we’ll not dwell on that. We bet that’s the most entertainment her studio audience have had in a long time.

Normally The Sharon Osbourne Show is dullness incarnate and we get the sinking feeling that the producers of the show will edit all of Sharon’s wobbly drunken behaviour down to the normal boring crap. Such a pity. The show will be aired at 5pm tonight.

Tea time television would be so much more entertaining if presenters turn up pissed, don’t you think? Can you imagine the carnage if Richard and Judy were allowed to knock back absinthe in the Green Room? Television GOLD!

Sharon Osbourne’s Destructo Boozeathon The Sharon Osbourne Show will be broadcast tonight at 5pm. If any of you geeks manage to get a drunken Sharon Osbourne outburst captured on YouTube and quickly leave the link as a comment, we’ll send you a paltry token of our appreciation.

Read more:

Sharon Osbourne Hosts Talk Show While Drunk – Starpulse

Raise your glasses 'cos the bitch is back. You can't keep a good hellraiser down. According to reports, Sharon Osbourne turned up on set of The Sharon Osbourne Show drunk yesterday. Luckily Sharon Osbourne had a killer excuse for being so hopelessly drunk: "I’m pissed, but it's my birthday." That's right, yesterday was Sharon's 54th. We wonder if she got her alcohol from Asda. Still, at least we know that under all of those baggy nylon jumpers beats the heart of old hellraiser we know and love. We're told that Sharon frequently exclaimed "Oh fuck, I made a mistake" throughout filming – some would argue that making the show was a mistake, but we'll not dwell on that. We bet that’s the most entertainment her studio audience have had in a long time. Normally The Sharon Osbourne Show is dullness incarnate and we get the sinking feeling that the producers of the show will edit all of Sharon's wobbly drunken behaviour down to the normal boring crap. Such a pity. The show will be aired at 5pm tonight. Tea time television would be so much more entertaining if presenters turn up pissed, don't you think? Can you imagine the carnage if Richard and Judy were allowed to knock back absinthe in the Green Room? Television GOLD! Sharon Osbourne's Destructo Boozeathon The Sharon Osbourne Show will be broadcast tonight at 5pm. If any of you geeks manage to get a drunken Sharon Osbourne outburst captured on YouTube and quickly leave the link as a comment, we'll send you a paltry token of our appreciation. Read more: Sharon Osbourne Hosts Talk Show While Drunk - Starpulse
0 comments Read more >>>

Chris De Burgh Can Perform Bloody Miracles Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Sunday morning TV is a truly terrifying thing to behold – if you’re not subjected to 19 solid hours of Hollyoaks, you’re forced to watch religious folk banging on how they can heal people with their hands.

Folk like – ooh, let’s pick a name at random here – hatefully smug 1980s one-hit-wonder balladeer Chris De Burgh. Yeah, Lady In Red Chris De Burgh. Chronically unable to pronounce the word ‘romance’ without sounding like he’s getting struck down with a debilitating stroke somewhere in between the first and second syllable Chris De Burgh. Yeah, him. Good job we picked Chris De Burgh as an example, really, because mulleted nobsack Chris De Burgh has only bloody well gone on Sunday morning TV and told the entire world that his hands can perform miracles like Jesus, hasn’t he?

0 comments Read more >>>

Lots Of Star Trek Tat Gets Flogged Off At Auction

by Stuart Heritage

Being a Star Trek fan is hobby fraught with danger; if members of your own family aren’t persecuting you for being a friendless spod, then other Star Trek fans openly ridicule you for thinking that the Cardassians could beat the Tholians in a fight.

But sometimes, all the various threads of Star Trek fan can gather together as one. Next Generation fans can mingle with Voyager fans and Star Trek III: The Search For Spock fans can mingle with Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country fans, all without fear of overheated discussions about whether or not Star Trek: The Animated Series should be included in the official Star Trek canon turning into gruesome blood-soaked battles. One such occurrence of peaceful Star Trek fan-gathering happened yesterday, when Christie’s started its three-day auction of official Star Trek memorabilia, allowing absolutely anyone to own some cheap wobbly tat that was on telly once.

Being a Star Trek fan is hobby fraught with danger; if members of your own family aren't persecuting you for being a friendless spod, then other Star Trek fans openly ridicule you for thinking that the Cardassians could beat the Tholians in a fight. But sometimes, all the various threads of Star Trek fan can gather together as one. Next Generation fans can mingle with Voyager fans and Star Trek III: The Search For Spock fans can mingle with Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country fans, all without fear of overheated discussions about whether or not Star Trek: The Animated Series should be included in the official Star Trek canon turning into gruesome blood-soaked battles. One such occurrence of peaceful Star Trek fan-gathering happened yesterday, when Christie's started its three-day auction of official Star Trek memorabilia, allowing absolutely anyone to own some cheap wobbly tat that was on telly once.
0 comments Read more >>>

Jamie Oliver Abused By Schoolchildren

by Matthew Laidlow

Childhood. Happy times loved and cherished by all. Back when you were little, you didn’t have anything major to worry about it. As a 11-year-old, the thought of getting a job in the real world, finding a mortgage and maybe even going to university were just distant things. Nothing to worry about.

Being a kid also meant you could do stuff that you can’t really do now when you’re all mature – and get away with them, too. Things like, say, shouting a barrage of swearwords at fat-mouthed middle-class “I’ve got an olive in me helmet” posterboy dinnerlady Jamie Oliver for making their school canteen sell only sticks of celery.

0 comments Read more >>>

Will The Real Sharon Osbourne Please Stand Up?

by Stuart Heritage

Schizophrenia affects loads of people in the UK. We could be dead clever and look up some fascinating statistics on Google but we understand that you’re not that interested and you understand we’re not. So let’s just agree that it affects ‘loads of people’ and leave it at that.

Schizophrenia is a subject that came to mind after watching the last 10 minutes of X Factor on Saturday. In fact, scrap schizophrenia – we’ve coined our own term: Polymorphic media personality disorder. That pretty much sums up Sharon Osbourne and the fact that, although she’s everywhere at the moment, she never actually seems to be the same person in any two places.

3 comments Read more >>>

Lost’s Mr Eko Gets His Bad Driving Charges Dropped

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone familiar with Lost will know that all sorts of mental crap is the norm for the people on the island, but something has recently happened that not even the most ardent Lost fan will be able to believe.

That’s right; forget that flashing black smoke or the exploding hatches or the man with the pretend beard or the way that Sergeant Zim from Starship Troopers managed to be the man who taught Sayid how to torture and the man in the hatch with the Scottish bloke – by far the weirdest Lost-related thing to happen lately is that Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who plays Mr Eko in Lost and was recently arrested for disobeying a police officer and driving without a license, has had his charges dropped. A member of the Lost cast who knows how to drive a car properly? Now that is unbelievable.

0 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →