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Big Brother Becomes Even More Pointless

by C J Davies

A couple of weeks ago, hecklerspray had a chat with the medium who lives down the hall. She told us that she’d been channelling the spectre of George Orwell, who had tearfully informed her that – had he known what sort of context his Big Brother creation would take on in the early years of the 21st century – he’d have flung the manuscript into Wigan Pier and run away screaming.

And now? Now the Big Brother francise has only gone and crossed dimensions. Kind of.

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Kirstie Alley Takes Off Most of Her Clothes For Some Reason

by Stuart Heritage

Chances are you haven’t cared or thought about Kirstie Alley for upwards of half a decade but – by God – that hasn’t stopped her strutting about in a bikini on Oprah like your terrifying old auntie does when she’s had a drink.

Why has 55-year-old Kirstie Alley decided that 2006 – 13 years after Cheers finished and 17 years since she made Look Who’s Talking – was the right time to go on Oprah and take most of her clothes off? Simple – it’s because Kirstie Alley isn’t quite as fat as she used to be. And for that reason alone, Kirstie Alley chose to go and see Oprah Winfrey while dressed in a bikini. Kirstie Alley better not have given Oprah Winfrey any ideas by doing this, since at the rate that Oprah Winfrey gains and loses weight, Oprah would end up presenting every fourth episode in a bikini, and that’s something that’s best left not thought about.

Chances are you haven't cared or thought about Kirstie Alley for upwards of half a decade but - by God - that hasn't stopped her strutting about in a bikini on Oprah like your terrifying old auntie does when she's had a drink. Why has 55-year-old Kirstie Alley decided that 2006 - 13 years after Cheers finished and 17 years since she made Look Who's Talking - was the right time to go on Oprah and take most of her clothes off? Simple - it's because Kirstie Alley isn't quite as fat as she used to be. And for that reason alone, Kirstie Alley chose to go and see Oprah Winfrey while dressed in a bikini. Kirstie Alley better not have given Oprah Winfrey any ideas by doing this, since at the rate that Oprah Winfrey gains and loses weight, Oprah would end up presenting every fourth episode in a bikini, and that's something that's best left not thought about.
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Justin Timberlake Wins A Couple Of MTV Europe Awards

by Stuart Heritage

MTV isn’t just an American institution, as it shows by regularly hosting global awards shows like last night’s MTV Europe awards so that American stars can experience what winning awards in colder countries where people speak funny feels like.

Needless to say, last night’s MTV Europe awards held in Copenhagen didn’t deviate from this blueprint one jot. Most American acts who turned up were rewarded with some kind of prize, like Justin Timberlake who scooped the Best Male and Best Pop Act awards and The Red Hot Chili Peppers who won the Best Album That Most People Have Only Really Listened To Once If That award. In fact, at one point when a non-American won an MTV Europe award instead of an American, said American actually clambered up on stage and got his knickers in a twist about it in front of everyone.

MTV isn't just an American institution, as it shows by regularly hosting global awards shows like last night's MTV Europe awards so that American stars can experience what winning awards in colder countries where people speak funny feels like. Needless to say, last night's MTV Europe awards held in Copenhagen didn't deviate from this blueprint one jot. Most American acts who turned up were rewarded with some kind of prize, like Justin Timberlake who scooped the Best Male and Best Pop Act awards and The Red Hot Chili Peppers who won the Best Album That Most People Have Only Really Listened To Once If That award. In fact, at one point when a non-American won an MTV Europe award instead of an American, said American actually clambered up on stage and got his knickers in a twist about it in front of everyone.
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Bob Barker: Time Is Right To Leave Price Is Right

by Shawn Lindseth

Something horrible has happened. Bob Barker got sucked into his giant spinning game-show wheel. To make matters worse, when it stopped spinning he only had 35 cents.

And the set of The Price Is Right, the set knew. It knew and it was angry. It was as if televised game-show hell erupted, bringing with it 15 minutes of absolute pandemonium and life-threatening chaos. Plinko chips hovered menacingly over the audience, oversized face cards spontaneously combusted, and one of those Barker babes was gutted by a land rover.

When Bob Barker’s tiny microphone first got snagged in that spinning wheel and jerked him in, the world was taken aback. Not us though, we recognise inter-game show rivalries when we see it. Sure, Meredith Vieira may issue a press release expressing some sort of condolence, but if anyone held that condolence really close to their nose and sniffed – it’d smell of Barker-blood!

Oh wait. Barker’s not dead, he’s just quitting – after 35 long years as host of The Price Is Right. Yes, Bob Barker is not dead at all and Meredith Vieira didn’t kill nobody. That’s not double talk, our English is just that poor.

Something horrible has happened. Bob Barker got sucked into his giant spinning game-show wheel. To make matters worse, when it stopped spinning he only had 35 cents. And the set of The Price Is Right, the set knew. It knew and it was angry. It was as if televised game-show hell erupted, bringing with it 15 minutes of absolute pandemonium and life-threatening chaos. Plinko chips hovered menacingly over the audience, oversized face cards spontaneously combusted, and one of those Barker babes was gutted by a land rover. When Bob Barker's tiny microphone first got snagged in that spinning wheel and jerked him in, the world was taken aback. Not us though, we recognise inter-game show rivalries when we see it. Sure, Meredith Vieira may issue a press release expressing some sort of condolence, but if anyone held that condolence really close to their nose and sniffed - it'd smell of Barker-blood! Oh wait. Barker's not dead, he's just quitting - after 35 long years as host of The Price Is Right. Yes, Bob Barker is not dead at all and Meredith Vieira didn't kill nobody. That's not double talk, our English is just that poor.
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Madonna Offered To Keep David Banda In Malawi

by Stuart Heritage

As you read this, there’s a good chance that Madonna’s new son David Banda is settling into his life in Britain by acting like any normal British child – riding a Shetland pony around his estate, sipping Pimms and firing a shotgun at ramblers.

Despite all this, though, Madonna still faces an onslaught of public suspicion over the events surrounding her visit to Malawi and subsequent adoption of David Banda. So much so that Madonna has been interviewed about the adoption for Newsnight, where Madonna denies that David Banda had regular contact with his Malawi family in his orphanage, and that she even offered to pay support money to David Banda if it meant he could stay in Malawi at one point. However, the current situation is thought to be a win-win result, because now David Banda can enjoy all that Britain has to offer, at least until his 16th birthday where Madonna will have him killed, skinned and fashioned into an attractive hat. Or something.

As you read this, there's a good chance that Madonna's new son David Banda is settling into his life in Britain by acting like any normal British child - riding a Shetland pony around his estate, sipping Pimms and firing a shotgun at ramblers. Despite all this, though, Madonna still faces an onslaught of public suspicion over the events surrounding her visit to Malawi and subsequent adoption of David Banda. So much so that Madonna has been interviewed about the adoption for Newsnight, where Madonna denies that David Banda had regular contact with his Malawi family in his orphanage, and that she even offered to pay support money to David Banda if it meant he could stay in Malawi at one point. However, the current situation is thought to be a win-win result, because now David Banda can enjoy all that Britain has to offer, at least until his 16th birthday where Madonna will have him killed, skinned and fashioned into an attractive hat. Or something.
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Noel Edmonds & Dr Who Win At National Television Awards

by Stuart Heritage

The National Television Awards act as a perfect reflection of British viewing trends. And, judging by this theory, this year the British public like nothing more than flying space aliens and annoyingly smug beardy men.

The two biggest winners at last night’s British Television Awards were Doctor Who, which won Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Drama for its effortless portrayal of an irritating short man who sounds like a local radio DJ dragging a wide-mouthed teenager to all sorts of spooky space hospitals from the future; and Deal Or No Deal, which won Best Daytime TV Show with Noel Edmonds also picking up the coveted Best Relentless Use Of The Word ‘Extraordinary’ To Describe The Act Of A Pikey Opening A Fucking Box award.

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Oprah Winfrey: Everybody Gets A, Uh, Charity Debit Card

by Stuart Heritage

Every time we’ve wondered why so many people think that sitting in the Oprah Winfrey audience is even partially worthwhile, we’re quickly reminded that it’s because Oprah Winfrey likes to dish out free crap to her audience all the time.

And yesterday Oprah Winfrey did just that – every member of the Oprah Winfrey audience was given a debit card with $1,000 on it. There was a catch, of course; just as each audience member was trying to make sense of the enormity of this generous gift and starting to think of ways that it could improve their tedious lives, Oprah told them that they had to pass that $1,000 onto a charitable cause. While in most television audiences this tomfoolery would have ended in full-blown screaming outraged riots, the Oprah Winfrey audience instead probably clapped and whooped and cried and thought about their feelings or some other nonsense.

Every time we've wondered why so many people think that sitting in the Oprah Winfrey audience is even partially worthwhile, we're quickly reminded that it's because Oprah Winfrey likes to dish out free crap to her audience all the time. And yesterday Oprah Winfrey did just that - every member of the Oprah Winfrey audience was given a debit card with $1,000 on it. There was a catch, of course; just as each audience member was trying to make sense of the enormity of this generous gift and starting to think of ways that it could improve their tedious lives, Oprah told them that they had to pass that $1,000 onto a charitable cause. While in most television audiences this tomfoolery would have ended in full-blown screaming outraged riots, the Oprah Winfrey audience instead probably clapped and whooped and cried and thought about their feelings or some other nonsense.
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NBC In Great Big Dixie Chicks Ad Censoring Yawn

by Stuart Heritage

The Dixie Chicks will go down in history as one of country music’s most famous acts. Not for any of their songs, but because one of them once said that George W Bush was a fat girl who cried at the end of Pretty Woman and can’t throw a ball properly.

And thanks to that remark, nobody wants to touch The Dixie Chicks with a shitty stick any more. And that includes NBC – the network has decided to ban the broadcast of any commercials for the new Dixie Chicks movie Shut Up And Sing in case George W Bush sees one and decides that the head of NBC is a bit too Arab-looking for his liking. In its defence, NBC hasn’t commented on this apparent censoring, leading some people to believe that banning the Dixie Chicks ads had nothing to do with politics and more to do with the network simply preferring the evergreen country stylings of Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love) by Willie Lomax.

The Dixie Chicks will go down in history as one of country music's most famous acts. Not for any of their songs, but because one of them once said that George W Bush was a fat girl who cried at the end of Pretty Woman and can't throw a ball properly. And thanks to that remark, nobody wants to touch The Dixie Chicks with a shitty stick any more. And that includes NBC - the network has decided to ban the broadcast of any commercials for the new Dixie Chicks movie Shut Up And Sing in case George W Bush sees one and decides that the head of NBC is a bit too Arab-looking for his liking. In its defence, NBC hasn't commented on this apparent censoring, leading some people to believe that banning the Dixie Chicks ads had nothing to do with politics and more to do with the network simply preferring the evergreen country stylings of Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love) by Willie Lomax.
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Steve ‘Stingray’ Irwin’s South Park Halloween Party

by Matthew Laidlow

As we all sadly know, the great self-proclaimed crocodile hunter Steve Irwin died a month or so ago in what can only be described as the most unlikely way of dying. We salute Mr Irwin. While he was out there in the outback fighting danger face-to-face, here at hecklerspray, we often panicked like girl when a wasp flew in the window and started buzzing at us angrily. We often wished Steve Irwin was there to wrestle it to the ground and save us.

For a bloke who came face to face with some of the most poisonous snakes and bad-ass spiders and alligators that rip your guts out in seconds, you’d have thought that Steve Irwin would at least get killed off by something a bit harder then a stingray. But alas, we all have to get to the pearly gates one day. But Steve Irwin has returned! In animated form! With a cartoon stingray hanging out of his chest!

As we all sadly know, the great self-proclaimed crocodile hunter Steve Irwin died a month or so ago in what can only be described as the most unlikely way of dying. We salute Mr Irwin. While he was out there in the outback fighting danger face-to-face, here at hecklerspray, we often panicked like girl when a wasp flew in the window and started buzzing at us angrily. We often wished Steve Irwin was there to wrestle it to the ground and save us. For a bloke who came face to face with some of the most poisonous snakes and bad-ass spiders and alligators that rip your guts out in seconds, you’d have thought that Steve Irwin would at least get killed off by something a bit harder then a stingray. But alas, we all have to get to the pearly gates one day. But Steve Irwin has returned! In animated form! With a cartoon stingray hanging out of his chest!
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Scary Old Jimmy Saville To Return To TV

by C J Davies

Twenty years after ignoring hecklerspray’s repeated requests to become a Ghostbuster, Jimmy Saville has announced that he is to revive his tracksuit-bedecked masterwork Jim’ll Fix It.

On the upcoming UKTV show Jim’ll Fix It: Now And Then, the cigar-chomping old loon will continue unabated in his quest to make children’s dreams come true. It’s yet to be confirmed whether the remit of ‘dreams’ has extended since the show’s 1980s heyday, when the choices were:

a) riding in a fire engine

b) meeting athletics superstar Daley Thompson

or c) getting daddy a new job after naughty Mrs Thatcher closed down the miney-wines.

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