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TV News

Britney Spears Returns To How I Met Your Mother

by Paul Sorrenti

The all singing, all dancing, bald umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the worlds media, Britney Spears, is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens.

You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you!

Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you – as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

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Paris Hilton’s MTV Reality Show To Be Axed?

by Paul Sorrenti

Paris Hilton Reality Show To Be Axed?Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt somewhat to do with hecklerspray’s article from last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

There were less than 40 people there.

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazi’s were? They’ve certainly got more power.

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Neil Patrick Harris: More Heaven-Scented Britney Spears On My Show, Please!

by Paul Sorrenti

Neil Patrick Harris has responded to yesterday’s Associated Press article that suggested he would like Britney Spears banned from the set of How I Met Your Mother, by saying that what he meant to say was that Britney is welcome back anytime!

That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Why on one day (yesterday) would someone say: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed”, and then one day later (today) say: “As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby”?

What could have happened to change Neil’s mind so drastically in such a short space of time? Hmmm…

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Paris Hilton Doesn’t Want To See Her New Best Friend

by Paul Sorrenti

Paris Hilton Doesn’t Want To See Her New Best FriendEveryone’s favourite spoilt slag, Paris Hilton, is refusing to meet the candidates who are competing to become her BFF (best friend forever).

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

More…

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BBC Off The Hook Over Jerry Springer: The Opera

by hecklerspray staff

Everybody give a big awww to killjoys Christian Voice, as it looks like their favourite activity – taking the BBC director Mark Thompson to court – is finally at an end.

The High Court yesterday ruled that Thompson could not be prosecuted under the medieval blasphemy laws for broadcasting Jerry Springer – The Opera, as broadcasters and theatres are excluded from the laws, while insinuating that the quite frankly ecclesiastical laws are about as dated as, say, a 2,000-year-old superstitious belief.

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Montel Williams Sorry For Wanting To Explode Teenagers

by Stuart Heritage

To have a successful TV talk show you tend to need a niche – Oprah has her self-help, Jerry Springer has his confrontations and Maury has his berserkoid ADD DNA tests – but none of them angrily blow up teenage girls.

That’s where Montel Williams steps in, though. Although Montel Williams has plenty of his own niches already – like being the only highly-decorated military talk show host, and the only occasionally-suicidal multiple sclerosis-suffering talk show host – he’s now also the only talk show host who, when asked interview questions he doesn’t like by teenage newspaper interns, screams “I’m a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up!” at them, before realising he’s made a bit of a fool out of himself and apologising, which he’s just done. But at least it’s a step up from Montel Williams’ other niche – being the talk show host who looks most like Ming The Merciless.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: John Barnes Gone, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Sooner or later the Strictly Come Dancing contestants are going to have to learn that anyone who throws an on-camera strop will get voted out – just like Dominic Littlewood and, on Saturday’s show, John Barnes.

John Barnes: brilliant when he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing latin dance, but useless if he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing ballroom dance. Everyone knows that. But that theory took a beating on Saturday, when John’s Samba to Sir Juke was all flabby and out of shape. Sure, he wiggled his hips around like he was trying to loosen up a colon-impacted turd, but nothing more. And as well as the technique being a bit out, John Barnes also made the routine look roughly as fun as regrouting a mid-sized bathroom. And then threw a wobbly when he got crap scores. No wonder he got eliminated.

But who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing if John Barnes isn’t? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean and Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power…

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Helio Wins Dancing But Loses Ex-Fiancee Vazquez

by Milo Zevon

Helio Castroneves, yesterday’s spangly winner on TV’s Dancing With The Stars, is today’s unlucky loser in love, following the news that he has been poleaxed by erstwhile fiancée Aliette Vazquez. The engagement was called off within a day of Castroneves’ dancefest glory. He was dumped after six years by Vazquez, who kept schtum so as not [...]

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Mel B Doesn’t Win That Dancing Show

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Mel B. She’s always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and that has to sting – especially when the bride is a South American bloke who drives cars for a living.

Actually that’s not strictly true – with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually – but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year’s Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don’t know, OK?

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X Factor Betting Odds: Can Niki Evans Win?

by Stuart Heritage

All said, Saturday’s X Factor Love Songs Night was a great success; although if we’re honest, compared to the X Factor Disco Night an X Factor Dissonant Avant-Rock Night would be a success, too.

And that means that this Saturday X Factor is treating us to a Best Of British show where, dressed up as an assortment of jolly red-faced butchers, cricketers and wooden-toothed Victorian prostitutes, the X Factor hopefuls will belt out a selection of songs like Roll Out The Barrel, Doing The Lambeth Walk, My Old Man’s A Dustman, I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts and the theme-tune to Oh, Doctor Beeching! by Su Pollard. Either that or they’ll all sing You’re Beautiful with a quiet look of desperation in their eyes. Let’s wait and see.

But who’s going to win X Factor this year? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Niki Evans and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

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