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TV News

Big Brother Betting Odds: Sex In The Big Brother House?

by Stuart Heritage

You can’t hide from it any longer – Big Brother starts tomorrow. Lucky us, huh? Lucky, lucky us.

Come Friday morning we’ll have a comprehensive rundown on exactly why the new Big Brother housemates all deserve to be drowned in a bucket of their own piss, but before then we’ve got a handful of Big Brother special betting odds to get through. And, although you’ll deny it, this is the one you really want to come true. Perverts.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for sex to happen in the Big Brother house this year, with help from Paddy Power…

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Big Brother Betting Odds: More Twins?

by Stuart Heritage

The new series of Big Brother is just days away now, and it’s making us tremble in that excited way that people do when they’re stuck in the path of a speeding train and there’s no time to stop it.

Because, as far as we know, Big Brother only means one thing – Big Brother betting odds. Come Friday morning we’ll have detailed, professional, highly psychological insights into why everyone on Big Brother is a massive arsehole, but for now we’ll just get you warmed up with a few more provisional pre-show odds.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for more identical twins to enter the Big Brother house, with help from Paddy Power…

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Jade Goody? Really?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s that time of year again! That time when we have to tell our friends that we can’t go out because we have to sit around making notes on a stupid reality TV show until it isn’t summer any more! Yay!

Or, in other words, it’s Big Brother time again! Yay! Big Brother 9 starts on Thursday night, and before the full skull-crushing horror of that sentence hits you, let’s get you warmed up with some special Big Brother betting odds about stuff that might happen this year but probably won’t. Again, yay! No, really, yay!

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Jade Goody to return, with help from Paddy Power…

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Miley Cyrus – Ripped Fishnets And Fear/We Are Watching You

by Paul Sorrenti

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie.

It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift – no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top.

The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000.

Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.

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Lindsay Lohan Reveals All, Which Is Very Little

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan, as we all know, likes to keep herself to herself. Like Thom Yorke and Paul Scholes before her, she is an A-grade enigma. As to what makes her tick, we just don’t know.

The only decent look inside her that we have had so far taught us little more than the fact that a vagina should really only be viewed in the cordial context of the bedroom, otherwise they can look quite menacing and no matter how hard you look at it, this particular insight was not quite wide enough to see through to her inner-soul.

But those days of mystery are now behind us, because Christa D’Souza of The Sunday Times has given Lindsay the interview of her life. We double dare you to not read on.

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Bored? Why Not Buy Tony Soprano’s Clothes?

by C J Davies

We’ve all been there.

You know the feeling: it’s a big night out and you want to dress to impress. But all your best clothes are in the laundry, and you can’t go out naked again – you always seem to draw all that nasty ‘police attention’, and besides, it’d be the third time this week. How you wish – oh, how you yearn and pray – that you could look like an overweight gangster who may or may not be dead and whose life neatly doubles up as a slow-burning metaphor for various aspects of American national identity.

Well … now you can!

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Lindsay Lohan To Star In Ugly Betty Season Finale

by Paul Sorrenti

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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Sir David Attenborough: ‘Celebrity Culture Is Ghastly’

by Paul Sorrenti

Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

David Attenborough is a man who, in a better world, would have been made dictator of the earth a few weeks after his birth. Alas, it wasn’t to be and six million Jews, 90 million Chinamen, a whole bunch of wildlife and the planet itself suffered for it terribly.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity – it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared – like some sort of maniac – that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

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New Miley Cyrus Photos Hark Back To Her Less Slutty Days

by Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Gary Glitter has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system!

We will gawp and we will gawp and we will gawp; forever demanding more flesh; celebrating her when she supplies it to us and, once her supplies inevitably run out, we shall hound her to the depths of hell which, as Britney Spears’ll testify, is alive and well here on Earth.

And that is when the fun really begins. Mwa ha ha!

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Paris Hilton And The 85,000 Horseman Of The Apocalypse

by Paul Sorrenti

It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* Hotel-funded conspiracy.

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