From the category archives:

TV News

Bored? Why Not Buy Tony Soprano’s Clothes?

by C J Davies

We’ve all been there.

You know the feeling: it’s a big night out and you want to dress to impress. But all your best clothes are in the laundry, and you can’t go out naked again – you always seem to draw all that nasty ‘police attention’, and besides, it’d be the third time this week. How you wish – oh, how you yearn and pray – that you could look like an overweight gangster who may or may not be dead and whose life neatly doubles up as a slow-burning metaphor for various aspects of American national identity.

Well … now you can!

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Lindsay Lohan To Star In Ugly Betty Season Finale

by Paul Sorrenti

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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Sir David Attenborough: ‘Celebrity Culture Is Ghastly’

by Paul Sorrenti

Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

David Attenborough is a man who, in a better world, would have been made dictator of the earth a few weeks after his birth. Alas, it wasn’t to be and six million Jews, 90 million Chinamen, a whole bunch of wildlife and the planet itself suffered for it terribly.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity – it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared – like some sort of maniac – that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful. David Attenborough is a man who, in a better world, would have been made dictator of the earth a few weeks after his birth. Alas, it wasn’t to be and six million Jews, 90 million Chinamen, a whole bunch of wildlife and the planet itself suffered for it terribly. His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity - it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence. But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared - like some sort of maniac - that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.
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New Miley Cyrus Photos Hark Back To Her Less Slutty Days

by Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Gary Glitter has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system!

We will gawp and we will gawp and we will gawp; forever demanding more flesh; celebrating her when she supplies it to us and, once her supplies inevitably run out, we shall hound her to the depths of hell which, as Britney Spears’ll testify, is alive and well here on Earth.

And that is when the fun really begins. Mwa ha ha!

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Paris Hilton And The 85,000 Horseman Of The Apocalypse

by Paul Sorrenti

It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* Hotel-funded conspiracy.

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Britney Spears Returns To How I Met Your Mother

by Paul Sorrenti

The all singing, all dancing, bald umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the worlds media, Britney Spears, is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens.

You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you!

Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you – as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

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Paris Hilton’s MTV Reality Show To Be Axed?

by Paul Sorrenti

Paris Hilton Reality Show To Be Axed?Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt somewhat to do with hecklerspray’s article from last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

There were less than 40 people there.

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazi’s were? They’ve certainly got more power.

Paris Hilton Reality Show To Be Axed?Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show 'Paris Hilton’s My New BFF' (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit. This is no doubt somewhat to do with hecklerspray’s article from last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard. According to Trans World News, an insider said: There were less than 40 people there. This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazi’s were? They’ve certainly got more power.
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Neil Patrick Harris: More Heaven-Scented Britney Spears On My Show, Please!

by Paul Sorrenti

Neil Patrick Harris has responded to yesterday’s Associated Press article that suggested he would like Britney Spears banned from the set of How I Met Your Mother, by saying that what he meant to say was that Britney is welcome back anytime!

That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Why on one day (yesterday) would someone say: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed”, and then one day later (today) say: “As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby”?

What could have happened to change Neil’s mind so drastically in such a short space of time? Hmmm…

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Paris Hilton Doesn’t Want To See Her New Best Friend

by Paul Sorrenti

Paris Hilton Doesn’t Want To See Her New Best FriendEveryone’s favourite spoilt slag, Paris Hilton, is refusing to meet the candidates who are competing to become her BFF (best friend forever).

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

More…

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BBC Off The Hook Over Jerry Springer: The Opera

by hecklerspray staff

Everybody give a big awww to killjoys Christian Voice, as it looks like their favourite activity – taking the BBC director Mark Thompson to court – is finally at an end.

The High Court yesterday ruled that Thompson could not be prosecuted under the medieval blasphemy laws for broadcasting Jerry Springer – The Opera, as broadcasters and theatres are excluded from the laws, while insinuating that the quite frankly ecclesiastical laws are about as dated as, say, a 2,000-year-old superstitious belief.

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