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TV News

Paris Hilton Isn’t Pregnant. Jurassic Park!

by Paul Sorrenti

It’s a scary time to be alive. Every where you look there are people dying, mothers crying, politicians lying and girlfriends prying.

We are told that global warming is going to drown us, or that international terrorism is going to blow us up, or that Paris Hilton is going to have a baby – It’s all too much. The human body hasn’t evolved the capacity to deal with such misery, and so it seems that mass suicide is the only reasonable option.

But wait! Put down your nooses, brothers and sisters! Kick off those high heels, rip off those fish-nets and spit that orange to the floor, because it would appear that Paris Hilton aint pregnant after all!

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Dear God, Who Are These Awful Gits?

by Stuart Heritage

Well, that’s it. That’s summer done. Big Brother 9 started last night, which means we’ve got three months of idiots screaming about nothing to put up with.

And, lord, are there ever a lot of Big Brother housemates this year – 16 on opening night alone. This year Big Brother has gone for a Zero Tolerance theme, so there are prisons and different standards of bedrooms and people have to pay to use hair straighteners and whatnot. But that can unfold in the days to come. What about this year’s batch of gibbering plebs?

Well, here are the first-night Big Brother betting odds for all six million new housemates to win, with help from Paddy Power…

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Britain’s Got Talent Inspires World’s Stupidest Film

by Stuart Heritage

Do you like films? Do you like real-life tales of against-the-odds struggle? Does your single-digit IQ often cause you to clap along to Saturday evening TV theme-tunes?

You answered yes to all the above? Well, then this must be your lucky day – because it’s been announced that a Billy Elliot-style movie is to be made about George Sampson, the disabled teenage breakdancing winner of Britain’s Got Talent.

Having said that, there’s a possibility that Simon Cowell is just going to send a bunch of heavies to visit five million of the most stupid people in Britain and steal £7.50 from each of them instead, because that way Cowell gets his money and nobody has to waste their time going to see his rubbish film.

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Starts Tonight! Foreign Exchange?

by Stuart Heritage

This is it – Big Brother 9 starts tonight! We’re so excited about it that we might just leave the country at the next opportunity!

There’s a brand new gang of clawing numpties desperate for a sliver of recognition on their way into the Big Brother house, and this time tomorrow you’ll be presented with betting odds for the flipping lot of them. But until then, here’s the last of our Big Brother special betting odds. There’s money to be made here, kids.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for a Big Brother foreign exchange, with help from Paddy Power…

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Doctor Who Shags His Daughter. His Actual Daughter.

by Stuart Heritage

Fact: all women want to sleep with David Tennant, even though it’s quite likely that he keeps pulling his tedious ‘look how zany I am’ faces during intercourse.

And by ‘all women’ we literally mean ‘all women’. All women want to rub offal with David Tennant, even ones he’s related to. Even his own daughter. Even David Tennant’s own daughter wants to have it off with David Tennant.

What? Oh, OK, not David Tennant’s actual daughter, but the girl who plays David Tennant’s daughter on Doctor Who. Apparently Tennant and his 23-year-old Doctor Who co-star Georgia Moffett are secretly doing it. And without the whole incest angle to go on that’s pretty dull. She’s young enough to be his daughter, does that count?

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Sex In The Big Brother House?

by Stuart Heritage

You can’t hide from it any longer – Big Brother starts tomorrow. Lucky us, huh? Lucky, lucky us.

Come Friday morning we’ll have a comprehensive rundown on exactly why the new Big Brother housemates all deserve to be drowned in a bucket of their own piss, but before then we’ve got a handful of Big Brother special betting odds to get through. And, although you’ll deny it, this is the one you really want to come true. Perverts.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for sex to happen in the Big Brother house this year, with help from Paddy Power…

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Big Brother Betting Odds: More Twins?

by Stuart Heritage

The new series of Big Brother is just days away now, and it’s making us tremble in that excited way that people do when they’re stuck in the path of a speeding train and there’s no time to stop it.

Because, as far as we know, Big Brother only means one thing – Big Brother betting odds. Come Friday morning we’ll have detailed, professional, highly psychological insights into why everyone on Big Brother is a massive arsehole, but for now we’ll just get you warmed up with a few more provisional pre-show odds.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for more identical twins to enter the Big Brother house, with help from Paddy Power…

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Jade Goody? Really?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s that time of year again! That time when we have to tell our friends that we can’t go out because we have to sit around making notes on a stupid reality TV show until it isn’t summer any more! Yay!

Or, in other words, it’s Big Brother time again! Yay! Big Brother 9 starts on Thursday night, and before the full skull-crushing horror of that sentence hits you, let’s get you warmed up with some special Big Brother betting odds about stuff that might happen this year but probably won’t. Again, yay! No, really, yay!

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Jade Goody to return, with help from Paddy Power…

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Miley Cyrus – Ripped Fishnets And Fear/We Are Watching You

by Paul Sorrenti

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie.

It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift – no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top.

The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000.

Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie. It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift - no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top. The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000. Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.
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Lindsay Lohan Reveals All, Which Is Very Little

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan, as we all know, likes to keep herself to herself. Like Thom Yorke and Paul Scholes before her, she is an A-grade enigma. As to what makes her tick, we just don’t know.

The only decent look inside her that we have had so far taught us little more than the fact that a vagina should really only be viewed in the cordial context of the bedroom, otherwise they can look quite menacing and no matter how hard you look at it, this particular insight was not quite wide enough to see through to her inner-soul.

But those days of mystery are now behind us, because Christa D’Souza of The Sunday Times has given Lindsay the interview of her life. We double dare you to not read on.

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