After two decades, several free cars and enough weight fluctuation to sculpt a small cellulite army, Oprah is done.

Sort of done. Oprah Winfrey is leaving her show. But not until 2011. And then she’s going to immediately start a new show somewhere else. But it’s still sad news – without Oprah Winfrey around, where will we know which treacly, middle-brow books to read? Where will we discover what people look like after they’ve had their face torn off by monkeys? Where will we get our fill of needlessly excited women unintentionally screeching bizarre non-sequiturs at a roomful of strangers? Where will we be able to slowly lose the will to live?

What? Tyra Banks? Oh, OK.

At this point in time, Oprah Winfrey has accomplished everything she can with her show. She’s given away cars to her audience. She’s watched dumbstruck as Tom Cruise leapt around on her furniture. She’s hit out at French stores that don’t recognise her greatness. She’s mildly annoyed 50 Cent. And, as with any show that’s been running since the mid-1980s, it’s all become slightly formulaic.

We know that Oprah Winfrey will whoop and encourage her guests to sob and appear in a pair of skinny jeans to boast about how much weight she’s lost every 18 months, and then spend the following year gradually swelling up like an infected blister again. And so does she. And that’s why Oprah Winfrey has done the unthinkable. She’s decided to quit her show in September 2011. ABC News reports:

Oprah Winfrey, one of the most influential and highly paid women on television, will announce on Friday she is ending her popular daytime talk show in 2011. Winfrey’s production company, Harpo Inc, said on Thursday she would make the official announcement on Friday’s live program from Chicago and talk about the reasons behind the decision to end it after 25 years on the air.

Well good for Oprah Winfrey. She’s earnt all the money she could ever need, and it’s better for her to bow out while she’s on top. We wonder what she’ll do with all her free time – maybe she’ll focus on her charitable work or take up knitting. What’s that? She’s starting her own network? Christ alive, that’s terrifying.

But at least Oprah’s new network will be good for anyone who wants to catch up with Oprah Winfrey at any given moment of the day. Or anyone who loves watching dozens of touchy-feely celebrity interviews. Or anyone who wants to spend upwards of 16 hours a day staring slack-jawed at a giant image of Oprah Winfrey’s head that’s made out of fire and does nothing but scream the word “REPENT” at them again and again. Probably.

But we’ve got all that to look forward to. For now we just have to wait for the official announcement on Oprah’s show later today. We can’t imagine what it’ll be like. Actually, we can – Oprah will cry, there’ll be a 15-minute VT montage of celebrities describing how brilliant she is and then Oprah will repeat the phrase “You guys!” 48 times in a row – but we meant to say that we don’t want to imagine what it’ll be like. Subtle difference.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Back in his heyday during the 1970’s, Gary Glitter pumped out shedloads of crap records.

But then again, it was the seventies and at the time no-one really knew what was acceptable and what was absolute toss, so we can forgive him.

However, what the majority of the world can’t forgive Gary Glitter for is his antics in Vietnam where he was convicted of doing horrible things to children and spent some time in prison. And now Channel 4 is going to hang him for being a paedophile. Fictitiously. Still, it’ll make better viewing than Big Brother.

Believe it or not, this is part of a new season of programmes that Channel 4 is due to broadcast. Looking at capital punishment, it’ll examine various situations and ask whether or not it would be practical to bring back hangings and other forms of executions. If so, our place as village idiot has probably been benchmarked.

So what will the programme involve? Sadly, it isn’t won’t be 60 minutes of footage where people call Gary Glitter all the names under the sun and then burn his crappy records. Instead, it’s going to be done in a documentary style, subsequently making stupid people believe it really happened enough to edit his Wikipedia page accordingly.

In a faux-courtroom drama, we’ll get to see all sorts of ropey-looking footage chopped up whilst Gary Glitter pleads for innocence and offers a performance for everyone in the country as a way of forgiveness. So why cover something like this when it’ll no doubt upset everyone? Speaking to the Metro newspaper, head of documentaries and More 4 Hamish Mykura said:

“High-profile crimes against children often prompts calls for the return of the death penalty – this drama confronts the public with what many say they want. Putting a resonant figure like Gary Glitter into a fictional situation helps to engage the viewer as the drama unfolds.”

Interestingly, a Channel 4-commissioned poll showed that 70 per cent of the public think the death penalty should be reintroduced. So no doubt when the documentary is screened, people will be watching their TV with a cup of tea in one hand, and a pick axe in the other. Joyous times.

And after the human edition, we can swiftly move on to the animal version where we get to beat the shit out of seals.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Everyone likes Will Smith. Christ, we can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love this not so fresh-faced rascal.

Since growing up, Will Smith has taken on a variety of film roles. In Men In Black he saved the world from aliens. Likewise, Independence Day saw him repeat the same heroic feat. Come to think of it, didn’t the same thing kind of happen in I Am Legend?

Taking a step back from this extra terrestrial creature stuff, Will wants to make an appearance on Eastenders. Quite likely to save Albert Square from Pat Butcher.

Seeing Will Smith materialise on EastEnders would be like seeing Lily Savage make an appearance on Lost. On paper it just simply wouldn’t work. However, after much tinkering around with the script, even the most traditional of scenes could be twisted to make us, the slobby viewer, believe it’s totally normal. Stranger stuff has happened however. Loose Women has amazingly survived ten years on our screens despite being utterly shit.

If the scriptwriters of EastEnders happen to be reading this, then we’d like to take you through some of the ideas that we’ve bashed out. Using our brief knowledge of the BBC flagship soap, we think that a popular Hollywood actor could boost ratings. Only by a bit, mind.

1 – Will Smith takes over The Queen Vic. Instead of it being the grotty pub we know and love, that crazy American takes full ownership and converts it in to a bar. Say bye-bye to draft beers and pork scratchings. Instead, everything comes with packs of pretzels and beef jerky to wash your bottle of Bud Light down with. Don’t think of causing any fights in Will’s new bar. Trouble won’t be sorted out with the usual high-pitched shrieks. Instead, he’ll use the gun behind the bar.

2 – The park in EastEnders is pretty gash at the minute. There’s a bench in remembrance of Arthur Fowler and that’s about it. Apart from a walkway, some grass and a scattering of dog poo. Using his masters degree of gardening from Stanford University, Will aims to lead a community project in to making a ghetto out of the ghetto. Rival gangs can have their own patch of turf to use residents as a target range.

3 – Charlie Slater has a black cab which he never seems to use any more. Hooking up with his hip-hop homeboy Tim Westwood, Will takes away the keys and pimps up the vehicle. A fat sound system here and some 50-inch tyres will make any motorists want to bow down and kiss the exhaust pipe. And make Albert Square a hotspot for boy racers.

So what draws Will Smith to EastEnders? Digitalspy reports:

“It was so real and gritty. American soaps are all about the beautiful people and being cheesy. This soap had everything. There was fighting, people sleeping around – it had it all going on! I’m a bit busy but when things quieten down I’d love to do a cameo. I could make a big entrance in the pub, as you guys call it, and be like, ‘Hey, girl let’s take this outside’.”

Calling Phil Mitchell a girl? Possibly not the wisest of choices there Will. Before you could harp on about America, the goons will have moved in and you’ll be forced to eat the crap that Ian Beale makes from the café.

And that thing you call an acting career would probably die. We’re just saying.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Getting people to watch the remade Melrose Place must be like putting a pig in a dress and asking strangers to hump it.

How can you improve it? Short of burning it to the ground and praying that nobody remembers it even existed, you probably can’t. But, hey the Melrose Place producers are a tenacious bunch, and they’re not giving up without a fight. By which we mean they’ve sacked Ashlee Simpson. Makes sense.

At least now we won’t have to think of the show as Melrose Place: Starring Ashlee Simpson any more. It’ll be Melrose Place: Starring, Oh, You Know, That Guy. You Know The One. That Guy Who Did That Thing. And A Girl. It’s much better.

This might sound a little harsh, but we’re pleased that Ashlee Simpson has been sacked from the cast of Melrose Place. Because the thought of a Simpson girl in full-time employment freaked the crap out of us. As everyone knows, the only work that Simpson girls are able to get must come in the form of a) intermittently-released trend-chasing pop albums that could have legitimately been made by any number of other singers, b) films that nobody will watch, c) reality shows about their suspicious relationships with men and d) reality shows about how fat they sometimes are.

But a long-term role in a TV drama? Frankly the thought of that filled us with dread. But luckily normality has been restored now that Ashlee Simpson has been given the boot. The New York Post reports:

Ashlee’s character Violet was a major suspect in the murder mystery that has gripped the show so far, and producers decided once it was resolved in episode 12 “she would go on her way.” … “Because we felt that once the murder mystery was resolved, the tone of the show was going to shift into a much more fun, romantic, sexy upbeat kind of show.” said executive producer Todd Slavkin.

So let’s get this right – Ashlee Simpson basically got the sack from Melrose Place because she’s not fun or romantic or sexy or upbeat? That’s got to hurt. But never mind, Ashlee – next time someone needlessly remakes a horrible 1990s TV show, and opts for a tone that boring, serious, dreary and slightly funny to look at, we’re sure you’ll be first on the casting list.

Actually, that’s unfair. Ashlee Simpson’s entire treatment at the hands of Melrose Place has been unfair, in fact. Remember when the show started, and the only reason that anyone paid attention was because Ashlee Simpson was going to be in it? What’s Melrose Place going to use as a marketing hook now? The fact that it stars Michael Rady from The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants? Actually, it might. After all, it was desperate enough to use Ashlee Simpson as a marketing hook, so who knows?

Still, on the bright side at least Ashlee Simpson has more free time now. And if we were her we’d use it all trying to think of a baby name that’s worse than Bronx Mowgli. They say it can’t be done, you know.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Let’s assume that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is dying. In which case, let us introduce you to its ghoulish death-rattle.

You Ask, Kate Answers. That’s right – next week’s scheduled episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is being replaced by a special episode where Kate Gosselin will answer questions submitted by the show’s viewers.

Questions that we can only assume will include “Why won’t you make it stop?”, “My TV seems to be stuck on TLC and it’s giving me a migraine – how can I change it to a channel that isn’t so annoying?” and “WHY WON’T YOU MAKE IT STOP??”

Nobody seems to know what’s going on with Jon & Kate Plus 8 at the moment. One minute Kate’s in and Jon’s out, then both Kate and Jon are out, then Jon’s being sued because he’s being more out than anyone wanted him to be, then there’s talk of seamlessly replacing both Jon and Kate with two equally-qualified parent figures like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and a tatty shop mannequin that’s had angry eyebrows drawn on it in permanent marker. We may have made that last one up. At this point it’s hard to say one way or the other with any degree of accuracy.

However, amidst all this uncertainty there is at least one absolute fact regarding Jon & Kate Plus 8 that can’t be denied – those kids are going to be awfully messed up one day. Oh, and also that next week’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been scrapped so that Kate Gosselin can answer some viewer questions on-air. According to an official TLC statement:

As Kate takes on tough audience questions, she relives memories of the show and gives honest answers, but will Kate be shocked by some of the things the audience wants to know? Will she ever get married again? Where does Kate see kids in 10 years? Do you wear heels all the time? Do the kids know they’re famous? How is it handling school homework with eight kids?

Do you wear heels all the time. Do you wear heels all the time. That’s the most pressing question that anyone could think to ask Kate Gosselin. Not “How do you sleep at night?” or “What happened to your dignity?” or “What in heaven’s name is going on with your hair?” No. Do you wear heels all the time. We despair, we really do.

Still, we suppose we should try to be positive about this – at least the You Ask, Kate Answers episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 isn’t a You Ask, Jon Answers episode. Imagine if that happened and the first question was “How do you spell your own name?” He’d spend 20 minutes trying to work it out on his fingers, then he’d start frustratedly punching himself in the head and bawling “Me not know how spell name! Me sorry!” at the camera before unzipping his trousers and trying to hump it senseless.

Actually, on second thoughts, that sounds quite good. We’d watch it.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

All good things come to an end – and all crap things that star a couple of awful bellends come to an end, too.

Yes, we mean Jon & Kate Plus 8. Apparently TLC has decided to ditch Jon & Kate Plus 8 in both its current and proposed Kate Plus 8 guises. So goodbye Jon and Kate Gosselin, you were one of a kind. You’ll always be remembered as the fame-hungry couple dreadful enough to unblinkingly gamble away the well-being of your own children for a few moments of fleeting celebrity. Nobody could ever take your place.

Except for the Balloon Boy family, obviously. Someone give them a reality show, pronto.

One of the things we hate more than anything is when a show gets axed before its natural conclusion. And it looks like that’s going to be the case with Jon & Kate Plus 8. All those burning questions we had – How long will it be before Jon finally bites the bullet and invests in a wig? Will Kate ever reach her dream of combining 12 bad hairstyles into one haircut instead of the current 11? Exactly how pitifully low will the self-esteem of those children be by the time they reach adulthood? – are just going to be left hanging.

That’s the downside to the rumour that TLC is going to prematurely bring an end to Jon & Kate Plus 8. The upside, of course is that there won’t be any more Jon & Kate Plus 8 on TV from now on. And both Jon and Kate Gosselin will stop being famous. And we won’t have to write about them all the poxy time. And maybe instead of grimly following every last twist in their pointlessly depressing personal lives we’ll be able to go outside and feel the sun on our skin. Oh, the sun. We miss the sun so very much.

So yeah, there are more upsides than downsides. Here’s The Boston Herald with the latest Jon & Kate Plus 8 rumours:

“Jon & Kate Plus 8” will end in mid- to late November… “They will eek out what they can in terms of more shows,” a source close to the situation said. “Obviously they are not shooting anymore, so they are taking what they have and seeing how many more episodes they can get out of it.” Jon has told the network they no longer have his permission to film the children, and TLC will not challenge it.

Finally. This is a big day for Jon Gosselin. His staunch refusal to allow TLC to film his children has effectively brought about the end of Jon & Kate Plus 8. History will see this day as the one time that Jon Gosselin did something that didn’t automatically make the world want to punch him square in his stupid face as hard as it possibly could. Well done, Jon. We’re proud of you.

Of course, this rumour could be quickly undone if, say, TLC realised that Jon Gosselin was primarily financially motivated and decided to offer him a large amount of money to let them film his children again, regardless of the cost to their emotional welfare.

But nobody tell that to TLC, OK? We’re almost in the sodding clear here.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Some of you might have noticed that over the course of the Rocky films, the gravel-voiced trainer with the face like a seriously chewed piece of gum never got into the ring. He’d happily bark at Sly Stallone, calling him a loser, telling him what to do, but that was it. And the reason was simple – if he’d stepped up to Apollo Creed himself, the old man would have be dead before he hit the floor. It’s a story that now echoes the life of Cheryl Cole.

Everyone seems to have been going bananas over the last few days, as Cole has wriggled and wormed her way out of performing her new solo song live on Saturday night’s X Factor, even though she mentors a gaggle of live singers week in week out. And we all know why. She knows why. Literally everyone knows why. Yet, no one seems comfortable acknowledging that it’s the right move.

Put simply, if she went live, she’d be totally rubbish. She’s not a very good singer, she’s about third in line for lead vocals in Girls Aloud – and that’s only because no one appears to like the transparent ginger one taking up too much of the spotlight, and the other one (Kimberley?) sings like she’s doing an impression of a trumpet. Hence, it would be the live X Factor equivalent of watching Rolf Harris showing Van Gogh how to paint. Then how would her little singing monkeys ever respect her again?

At least this way, she gets to dangle a few “what ifs” in the air, which will surely all be forgotten the minute Dannii Minogue opens her mouth to out another could-be-homosexual. Or Louis stumbles mouth first into an accidental racism.

Apparently Cole told an “unnamed friend” of hers:

“I really don’t see the problem. I will be singing live. I just won’t have time to get changed and get prepared for the performance, and be a judge on the show. It would be too hectic.”

We would suggest taking a small plastic bag of clothes to the judging seat with her, which she could quickly slip into during the adverts, but we know how to read between the lines. If she was genuinely worried about everything being too hectic, she should possibly spare a thought for the contestants during sing-off time. Within seconds of being told that the public doesn’t much like them, they’re shoved back into the spotlight to be jeered all over again. If you look very closely, you can actually make out their souls dying.

In other X Factor news, Leona got chinned by a mentalist.

Want more from Josh? Tune in to Interestment on your internet.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Quickly – who’s your favourite sports star ever to be imprisoned for running a genuinely nightmarish dogfighting ring?

Michael Vick? We were going to say Michael Vick too! Jinx! What a small world the world of athletes imprisoned for running dogfighting rings is. Anyway, we’re glad that Michael Vick ranked so highly for you, because he’s getting his own reality TV show.

We should reiterate that Michael Vick’s TV show is not a show about dogfighting. Which is a shame, because it’s traditionally quite difficult to find TV shows where dogs maim each other for public entertainment. Not counting Loose Women, obviously.

Now, if you’re not American this might take a bit of a preamble. Michael Vick is a professional NFL footballer who was arrested and jailed in 2007 for his role in operating an extensive illegal dogfighting ring. The nearest comparison for you would be to imagine that Peter Crouch was arrested for sparrow-mumbling, or that Wigan Athletic midfielder Won Hee-Cho had been caught throwing bits of gravel at a penguin’s head. That’s the kind of sick bastard we’re dealing with here.

You might remember Michael Vick hitting the news when Whoopi Goldberg decided to defend dogfighting shortly after his arrest, in what we presume was a special ‘Say The Most Obviously Appalling Thing You Can Think Of, Go On I Dare You’ episode of The View. Don’t worry if you can’t, because it wasn’t very good. And also Michael Vick is getting his own reality TV show now that he’s out of prison, so he’ll be able to carp on about dogfighting as much as he likes anyway. The LA Times reports:

The quarterback… is partnering with BET for a new eight-part docu-series scheduled to air early next year. The program, tentatively titled “The Michael Vick Project,” spotlights his controversial comeback with the Philadelphia Eagles while also examining his tumultuous past — including his troubled childhood and his 2007 arrest for running a dogfighting ring.

Now don’t expect this Michael Vick TV show to be all that entertaining – he’s done wrong and he wants to make amends. Unusually for an American Football star who’s committed a serious crime, Michael Vick isn’t doing this with a jawdroppingly ill-considered hidden camera prank show, but with a serious programme where he will contritely revisit his prison and the area where he used to hold dogfights while musing on the effect that the arrest had on his fiancee and children.

Even though the fact he has a TV show at all has infuriated animal rights protesters from around the world, we have to admit that we’re looking forward to seeing The Michael Vick Project – especially the part where he ruminates on the last few years by recounting wise old saying from his youth like “My mother always told my that life was like watching two dogs try to kill each other in a pit”, “Life is 10% inspiration and 90% forcing dogs to try and kill each other in a pit” and the all-time classic “If life gives you lemons, throw those lemons into a pit and get a dog to bite its face off.”

Oh yes, we’ll be watching.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

When famous people die, it’s quite common for their devoted fans to spend months in mourning. Or in the case of Michael Jackson fans, quite probably forever.

For superstar like individuals, their memories go on forever. In Michael’s case, it will be through his music and various court cases.

Despite kicking the bucket in June, Michael Jackson is still all over the news. This time, it’s all about a tribute TV show about him. Whilst we thought the Bo Selecta program was good enough, people still want more. And so Jermaine Jackson is set to host a brand new show for BBC 3 where he aims to find people who can quite literally moonwalk the bum out of the dancefloor.

It’s odd really – a massive chunk of the TV schedule is going to be given up for an X Factor meets Britain’s Got Talent to find someone who can dance like Michael Jackson. How times have changed. We don’t believe for one second that when Elvis farted himself to death, TV producers back then held burger-eating competitions as a fitting tribute.

Now we might not be the brightest sparks but, casting our minds back to Britain’s Got Talent a few years ago, we remember a couple of dancers. It wasn’t that pesky George Sampson or Diversity. Thinking about it really hard, it was a duo called Signature. During their first round audition, they came out and boogied on down to some songs inspired by no other then monkey lover Michael Jackson.

BBC 3! We know you struggle to fill your schedule with shows that aren’t repeats of EastEnders, constant reruns of existing shows like Family Guy and one of documentaries featuring so-called cool people like George Lamb. But as license fee payers, we’re telling you that this Michael Jackson show doesn’t need to be made. Just bloody crown Signature the winners.

Because he now has a chance of becoming the most popular Jackson, Jermaine Jackson told the BBC:

“Michael inspired people across the world to master his moves and create their own unique routines.”

We’d like to believe Jermaine Jackson there, but we don’t think that quote is completely true. Michael was a crap dancer until he had his regular lessons with Joe Jackson. Armed with his trust belt, he taught more to Michael then any teacher could. How do you think the track Beat It got its name? Jermaine added further:

“I’m really excited and delighted to be part of this show and look forward to finding the UK’s most talented and inspiring dancers.”

Out of the thousands that will appear in front of the camera, the majority will be utterly gash, a few will wave like idiots and say hello to their mum, some might believe it’s their ticket to bagging a footballer and the rest might remember what the show is about. Honestly, Michael will be literally turning in his gold-plated grave and gnawing on his silver glove in horror at the thought of this. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?

We’ll only watch if Bubbles is the judge and eliminates the losers by throwing his droppings at the contestants.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

If you’re old enough to remember when Spit The Dog was the name of a badly-mannered puppet, and not a party game played by Premiership footballers, then here’s some great news for you: the current owners of the Bagpuss rights have announced that the little critter is to return, and haunt forever the dreams of a new generation. Huzzah!

To see the potent effect that Bagpuss had on the minds of millions, check out this true fact: Catherine Zeta-Jones was so entranced as a a child by the adventures of Emily that she took to heart the love that little girl had for her “old, saggy friend. Baggy, and a bit loose at the seams“. Twenty years later, and who should catch Catherine’s eye? Only Michael Douglas. Case proven.

Anyway, the news: he’s coming back! The original show was made by Smallfilms, a TV company created by the legendary Peter Firmin and Oliver Postgate. We can’t wait to find out what the new shows will be like. Will they stay true to the original, stop-motion lowtech approach? Will they spice things up a bit by maybe having a CGI Professor Yaffle? Tell us, The Telegraph, what’s it to be?

“Media Company Coolabi, which bought the rights to Bagpuss for $400,000, said new content was in the pipeline.”

Oh, for f…

‘Media Company’. What the hell was wrong with letting two blokes with beards, pipes and cableknit cardigans sit in a pub to create a charming, whimsical vision of childhood innocence and fantasy? How can that spirit possibly be recaptured by twenty failed advertising executives with black-rimmed glasses brainstorming in a meeting pod to work out how they can shoehorn a can of Pepsi into episode 12?

And this: “Content is in the pieline”. Content? Content? Oh God, they’re going to make Manga Bagpuss, aren’t they? There’ll be a pissing viral video, with Bagpuss lumbering over Tokyo, his baggy arse shooting DeathMegaKillKill lasers at the terrified humans, while Professor Yaffle’s beak fires bolts of electrified knowledge, all set to a doomy soundtrack played on the Marvellous Mechanical Mouse Organ.

Look, we’re rethinking this. It is not good news, it is one of the signs of Cultural End Times. Protect yourself and your family now, and may the voracious BagaBagaYaYa – or whatever the hell they decide to call him – have mercy on your sentimental soul.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Advance warning: you probably won’t side with anyone in this story because, well, it’s about Jon Gosselin.

And his awful wife. And his awful show. You see, earlier this week Jon Gosselin was effectively fired from his TV show Jon & Kate Plus 8, which would continue without him as Kate Plus 8. Except now Jon Gosselin has decided that if he can’t be part of Jon & Kate Plus 8 then nobody can, so he’s banned the crew from filming his kids.

Oh, and he spelt his own name incorrectly on the sign informing the crew of this. He’s a catch, that one.

This is probably going to be the most morally complex thing you’ll read all day, so get ready. Ready?

Good. It’s about Jon & Kate Plus 8, the TV show where two intrinsically horrible people make their children perform for a camera crew 24 hours a day. Now, it wasn’t so long ago that Jon and Kate Gosselin split up, citing all kinds of reasons from media pressure to Jon’s infidelity to Kate just basically being the worst person you could ever be married to. Nevertheless, in the wake of the split – and an investigation into child exploitation – Jon & Kate Plus 8 continued, even though Jon Gosselin was quite vocal about his desire to quit.

Earlier this week Jon Gosselin got his wish. He was kicked off Jon & Kate Plus 8 and told that the show would continue and Kate Plus 8, with his estranged wife taking the lead. And here’s where things get interesting.

Because, rather than dancing a happy jig over the fact that his life is now free of the media scrutiny that tore his family apart, Jon Gosselin seems to be so annoyed about getting the sack that he’s banning cameras from filming his children at all. Do you see the problem? Jon Gosselin wants to put an end to Jon & Kate Plus 8 forever – which is undoubtedly a good thing – but he’s only doing it because he’s obviously a monumental turd. We just can’t work out who to side with. While we try to figure this mess out, here’s the New York Post with details:

Last night, Jon appeared on CNN’s “Larry King Live” to say he had “an epiphany” and no longer wanted his kids to be on the show. TLC called Gosselin “self-destructive and unprofessional… He and the family were shooting as recently as last Friday, without incident, and his latest comments are grossly inaccurate, without merit and clearly opportunistic,” it said.

Incidentally, Jon Gosselin informed the TLC crew that it was banned from his property with a notice reading ‘NO FILM CREW OR PRODUCTION STAFF FROM TLC IS PERMITTED ON THIS PROPERTY UNDER PENELTY [sic] OF TRESPASS. JOHNATHON [sic] GOSSELIN’. He didn’t add the ‘[sic]’s, by the way. That would have demonstrated a frankly alarming level of self-awareness.

So, back to who to side for – should we side with Kate Gosselin, who wants to keep making the show even though it’s probably detrimental to the emotional well-being of her kids; or do we side with Jon Gosselin, who wants Jon & Kate Plus 8 to end, but only because he won’t be getting paid for it any more?

Here’s an idea – why don’t we fire both of them out of a cannon at a brick wall? The one whose internal organs leave the biggest lifeless, unidentifiable smear wins. Deal?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Did you see the gigantic vagina on So You Think You Can Dance this week? No, we don’t mean Nigel Lythgoe.

The actual gigantic vagina. No, really, we fully understand that any TV show featuring so many close-ups of Nigel Lythgoe’s great big mingey smug face might desensitise viewers to the sight of any female genitalia, but So You Think You Can Dance literally broadcast footage of a contestant’s vagina this week. Or at least something close enough to ensure that everyone’s talking about it.

Readers should be warned that the following contains graphic, unsettling descriptions of Nigel Lythgoe’s face.

In America, you’ve got a choice of dance-based TV shows – Dancing With The Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. They’re both fairly similar, apart from one crucial fact – one has a gigantic sweaty vagina in it, and then there’s So You Think You Can Dance, which doesn’t feature Kelly Osbourne as a contestant.

Oh, we’re kidding. It’s So You Think You Can Dance that’s full of tumpsies. If you’ve never seen So You Think You Can Dance, this is roughly how it works – various dancers are put through American Idol-style auditions where they must perform in front of judges. If they’re not very good, they go home. But if they show even a basic level of ability, then they hitch up their skirts and roll around on the floor pointing their vaginas at whatever happens to be closest to them like in some kind of nightmarish Thai ping-pong show or the last scene from Requiem For A Dream or whatever.

That seems to be the case, at least. On Tuesday’s edition of So You Think You Can Dance, a female contestant was told that she’d made it to the next stage and promptly fell to the floor where she demonstrated to the judges and viewers that she had either a) forgotten to wear any knickers, b) was wearing the world’s most chronically inoperative pair of knickers or c) invested in a pair of knickers designed to look exactly like her own bare vagina. There’s a slow-motion video of the flash at Huffington Post. Perverts.

Now commentators are predicting a wave of fines for Fox, which broadcasts So You Think You Can Dance, much in the vein of the fines following Janet Jackson’s nipple flash at the Super Bowl in 2004. However, it’s likely that any fines doles out would be much smaller because So You Think You Can Dance attracts a smaller audience than the Super Bowl, because it’s unclear whether or not the contestant was actually wearing undergarments and because Justin Timberlake’s gimpish face wasn’t contorted into a twisted display of perverted glee this time around.

It’s not all bad news, though, because this controversy has almost definitely gained So You Think You Can Dance a bigger audience than Dancing With The Stars. That’ll chance next week, though, when Len Goodman interrupts Aaron Carter’s Paso Doble to jam his erect penis into a pensioner’s eye. But until then, So You Think You Can Dance should enjoy its moment in the spotlight.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Jon Gosselin, this is your lucky day! From November 2, TLC will be removing you from Jon & Kate Plus 8 forever!

You got your wish! From November, Jon & Kate Plus 8 will be renamed Kate Plus 8 and you’ll be scrubbed from history forever. This is exactly what you wanted! No more cameras following you around all the time. No more media intrusion. No more European yacht parties. No more disproportionately sexy young girls who’ll have sex with you just because you’re on TV.

Oh Jon Gosselin, we envy you. Or we can’t wait for you to disappear from our lives forever. One or the other.

If you’ve been following Jon & Kate Plus 8 recently, then first we’d like to congratulate you on your steely reserve and strength of mind. Because, seriously, after about 12 minutes of it we were ready to kick our TV over, burn our house down and attack a box of kittens with hammers. So well done. Second, if you’ve been following Jon & Kate Plus 8, you’ll have realised that something had to give.

Because the whole Jon & Kate Plus 8 universe has been split into three. There’s the show’s world, which is all moonbeams and gumdrops and cupcakes. There’s Kate Gosselin’s world, which is all woeful haircuts and police arguments. And then there’s Jon Gosselin’s world, which is all graphic sex with servants in jacuzzis and, wait, hang on, we’ve just vomited down ourselves. Happens every time. When will we learn?

So if you were TLC, what would you do to stop this mess? That’s right, you’d cancel Jon & Kate Plus 8 immediately and never broadcast another episode again, wouldn’t you? Because you’re sensible enough to realise that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is awful in just about every respect and that its continued existence is obviously a sign that God hates humanity. TLC, on the other hand, decided to just get rid of Jon Gosselin and start again without him. The idiots. People reports:

In a stunning announcement, TLC said Tuesday morning that as of Nov. 2 Jon Gosselin would no longer appear on the popular reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8 — and the program would undergo a name change, to simply Kate Plus 8. “Given Jon’s recent antics, there was no way the show could continue to portray him as a doting Dad, not while all this other crap was going on,” a source [said].

This is truly excellent news for Jon Gosselin, because just a few weeks ago he said that he hated the attention that Jon & Kate Plus 8 brought and that all he wanted was a nine to five job. And now he can have one. And the good news is that we’re sure he’ll find such a willing procession of conspicuously young sexual partners when he’s selling bags of charcoal briquettes outside a 24-hour petrol station for a living.

And congratulations to Kate Gosselin, too. Now, if you can only ditch those awful children of yours and change the name of your show to Kate & Kate Plus Kate Equals KAAAAAAATE! and make it a 30-minute close-up of your unsmiling head with the words ‘OBEY KATE’ written across your forehead in permanent marker, then your dream will finally be complete.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

September is the month when hopeful nobodies dream of being the next Matthew Fox or Eva Longoria.  This season there are some new faces staring down the precipice preparing for instant fame or instant coffee.  Could the six Friends have known their fate when the pilot aired?  One of them did – but that was later with the spin off.  

There are some key things to look out for that might help the success of a new show: A familiar face – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey.  A familiar crew – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey.  An established audience – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey. You can see where we’re going here. Clearly, there is no science to what is popular and what is not.  

However, Twentieth Century Fox’s new musical Glee has been picked up for a full season after only two episodes.

“Musical”, I hear you groan! If it’s a comfort to you I am not a musical fan and even heavily dislike the film Grease.  I would go so far as to say that I prefer the sequel – inventively titled Grease 2.

For most people, watching musicals is probably about as entertaining as listening to someone learning Letzebuergesch at the bottom of a well. So imagine my relief to find that this new series is for adults and appears to be actually funny, entertaining and a little bit dark.  It may even contain scenes of a leathery nature for you Grease/Formula One fans.

The series follows a teacher (Matthew Morrison) who, with the help of some geeks and freaks, tries to save a High School Glee Club (basically a musical group) from going under. Unfortunately an evil cheerleading coach (Jane Lynch) is out to sabotage their musical endeavours.

And while that might sound awful, the show is from the creator of Nip/Tuck, so no doubt it will pack some punches, or at least a sexy rubber doll. Fox also has a pretty good reputation and is responsible for shows such as 24, House and the ever-popular I started this but don’t know how to end it series, Lost.

Let’s face it – only Family Guy the Musical would get the ratings Fox are gunning for. But hopefully this is something to distract the world from High School Musical (which none of us have secretly seen). 

To inspire us and to show good musicals exists I shall now quote Grease 2. Ahem… 

“We’re going to die and I’m wearing my mother’s underwear!”

Yeah, actually, I really wouldn’t recommend the sequel.

Like movie stars and music moguls, television people like nothing better than an evening of expensive outfits, impressive golden statuettes changing hands, and beautiful faces all sitting around telling one another just how brilliant they all are at their jobs. It’s only a shame that such wonderful nights out don’t stretch into normal jobs.

We shall only ever dream of a day when undervalued stone masons and building site skivvies get to breeze around outside hotels shouting details of their suits/blouses to hysterical reporters. What a great day that would be.

Last night it was the 61st edition of The Emmy Awards, so everyone who couldn’t quite cut it on the big screen turned up, their skin soft and shiny, their hair just about achieving the perfection they demand. Embarrassingly, practically all of the males in attendance turned up in the same dinner-suit-plus-tie outfit. The women, meanwhile, shimmered and sparkled like fireworks at an eighteen year old boy’s impromptu bonfire night party in the back garden with most of his friends. Seriously. They looked that amazing. 

The big cock-punch of the evening went to the gigantic throbbing minds behind Family Guy, who were hoping to become one of the first cartoons to snaffle the Best Comedy gong. There’s a whisper that The Flintstones did it about sixty years ago, or something. But it wasn’t to be. Instead, the cheerful 30 Rock gang were awarded their third in a row, meaning that the show’s creator, Tina Fey, can now think about giving her Emmy’s a hilarious nickname – like The Bee Gees, or ZZ Top. Or any other band that consists of three members. She’ll have fun with that. She’s a creative woman. She loves challenges.

On the downside for Fey, she did lose out in the battle of the women with four-letter names beginning with T, when Toni Collette took the grand prize as Most Fantastic Actress Making Everyone Laugh in a Comedy. For those not up on these things, she stars as a bonkers maniac in a show called United States of Tara. Well done her. Luckily for the 30 Rock crew, Alec Baldwin did make up for the howling disappointment of it all by winning the male version of the same prize.

Elsewhere, Mad Men – the tale of men smoking at work, and the sexy ginger one convincing timid secretaries to have it off with their bosses – was declared Greatest Drama. Glenn Close, who will be forever remembered as the recipient of the full Michael Douglas tongue in Fatal Attraction, triumphed as a dramatic actor, as did Bryan Cranston, who was repeatedly overlooked for his stunning work in Malcolm in The Middle. The Academy – or whoever it is – is clearly making up for that now. He won for Breaking Bad.

Here’s what Jessica Lange said at one point during the evening:

“I can’t believe I’m standing here.”

You tell them, sister!

Like this? Then check out more of Josh at Interestment. Go! Do it!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter