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Sports News

Mickey Rourke Won’t Be Beaten To Mush At Wrestlemania Now

by Stuart Heritage

The last time Mickey Rourke put aside acting to focus on professional fighting, it ended as badly as you’d imagine. It ended with Sylvester Stallone‘s Get Carter remake. Ugh. But Mickey Rourke isn’t a man who repeats his mistakes – apart from the mistake involving him having haphazard cosmetic surgery procedure done on his face. [...]

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Mickey Rourke: The Wrestler Wrestles Wrestlers At Wrestlemania

by Stuart Heritage

Some would say that Mickey Rourke’s face looks like an uncooked hamburger patty that’s been trampled by a marching band.

But not us. We’d say that Mickey Rourke’s face doesn’t look enough like an uncooked hamburger patty that’s been trampled by a marching band. And we think Mickey Rourke agrees with us.

Why? Because it’s been hinted that Mickey Rourke – from The Wrestler, remember – will wrestle Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania in April. One-sided? Relax! After Wrestlemania there’s going to be a rematch to see who can sob the most incoherently on a beach, a bout that Rourke will easily win.

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Relax Elisha Cuthbert, The NHL Doesn’t Think You’re A Slag

by Stuart Heritage

Jack Bauer’s booby daughter and Paris Hilton’s tonguey faux-lesbian pal she may be, but don’t you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert.

Actually, let’s be a little clearer. Don’t you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert if you’re a professional ice hockey player who used to have sex with Elisha Cuthbert. Because if you do, you’ll pretty much be banned from ice hockey forever.

Just ask Sean Avery. He’s been suspended indefinitely from the NHL, and all because he called Elisha Cuthbert his ‘sloppy seconds’. That’s not only obscene, but inaccurate – technically Cuthbert is Avery’s ‘spunky doubledip’.

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Oh Joey Chestnut, Won’t You Competitive-Eat Our Heart?

by Stuart Heritage

We’re getting really tired of people who say that their skill is mechanics or songwriting or saving lives with the aid of medical science.

Those skills are naught compared to the mighty skill held by Mr Joey Chestnut, a man who we wish to emulate in every single way possible. Why? Because Joey Chestnut – our favourite competitive eater – has just eaten 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes during an event in New York, smashing the previous world record.

By doing so, Joey Chestnut instantly won a place in our heart. How big? Easily as big as the impacted chuck of bone-dense cholesterol that we presume is lodged in his ascending aorta and will zap him off to an early grave before too long. Hooray for Joey Chestnut!

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Hecklerspray Oddities: The Michael Phelps Breakfast

by C J Davies

Michael Phelps, eh?

He’s good at swimming, isn’t he? And – boy – does he ever have a lot of gold medals.

Sorry. We’re trying our hardest to think of something amusing to say about the record-breaking Olympic champion, but to be honest we just came up with a big list of puns like Phelp, I’m A Fish. And then slapped ourselves.

Instead of straining our imagination glands, then, we’re just going to show you a remarkable video. Many of you will have gawked in amazement at what Phelps eats for breakfast every day in order to keep his strength up … something in the region of sixty million billion calories (or a ‘Chris Moyles’, as it’s known in the business). No-one has ever tried eating the same amount in five minutes, though.

Apart from this man.

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Steve McClaren Adopts a Flawless Dutch Accent

by Ian Dransfield

Football: technically a funny old game. Made more so with ex-England football team manager Steve McClaren, in his new role at Dutch side FC Twente. The man with a head that is home to a hair island and a face that wears a frighteningly creepy smile at all times has been spotted in the wild [...]

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Elmo Tries to Educate David Beckham

by Matthew Laidlow

“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?” barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street. More then likely because it’s not real. [...]

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Wayne Rooney Chosen to Give Bread a New Scummy Image

by Matthew Laidlow

If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it. Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various [...]

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John Terry Doesn’t Care About The Disabled

by Paul Sorrenti

John terry face maskThe Chelsea and England captain has unveiled himself to be a mighty piece of scum, for he has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, that daily newspaper of the damned (i.e. fickle minded proles of Rupert Murdoch’s right wing agenda and, worse, Showbiz reporters looking for a story to claim as their own), John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) 27, parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley’s were nob-heads) illegally and immorally outside Pizza express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours, as he and his ‘holier-than-disabled’ family pretentiously perused the menu, arrogantly ordered their food, menacingly munched it down in-between supercilious slurps of their drinks, whilst a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher, desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

John terry face maskThe Chelsea and England captain has unveiled himself to be a mighty piece of scum, for he has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay. According to The Sun, that daily newspaper of the damned (i.e. fickle minded proles of Rupert Murdoch's right wing agenda and, worse, Showbiz reporters looking for a story to claim as their own), John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) 27, parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally and immorally outside Pizza express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours, as he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family pretentiously perused the menu, arrogantly ordered their food, menacingly munched it down in-between supercilious slurps of their drinks, whilst a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher, desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.
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Tom Petty Plays The Super Bowl, Delights All Six Tom Petty Fans

by Stuart Heritage

The Super Bowl Halftime show is a chance for the biggest names in music to either perform a bulletproof collection of world-conquering hits or whap a big wobbly booby out and make everyone choke on their tea.

Which one happened at yesterday’s Super Bowl? Well, none. Tom Petty performed you see.

Tom Petty. You know. From Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Oh, come on, you know who Tom Petty is – he did that song that was on for about 20 seconds during that one episode of Scrubs once. At least we think that was Tom Petty.

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