Russell Crowe has made a revolutionary decision that defies the central motive of most forms of entertainment - he believes that women wearing almost nothing, jumping up and down and barely concealing their pom-poms are not appropriate for sporting events.

What?!?!? Yes, we were as shocked as you inevitably are. Russell Crowe, phone-chucking Oscar-winning actor and part-owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs Rugby Club (what are Rabbitohs? Is that like Cheerios made of Rabbits?), has decided in conjunction with other team owners to relieve the club's cheerleaders of their team-supporting duties. The cheerleaders - who often wear fishnet stockings and miniskirts bedazzled with tassells - may find their own form of support by way of a good sports bra.

There's literally no end to the amount of talents that lurk within David Beckham - they include kicking Argentinians, advertising Pepsi, marrying idiots, possibly sleeping around, giving children crap names and scoring one good goal ever, but that's not all.

Because David Beckham is also a frustrated fashion designer too. That side of Beckham's personality has laid dormant ever since Alex Ferguson told him that he could eff off if he wanted to add mauve tassels to the Manchester United away kit, but now it has been awoken to furious effect. As if going off to get paid $1 million a week to have a kickaround in LA wasn't enough for David Beckham, he's also rumoured to be redesigning the LA Galaxy kit.

Or at least he will be, as soon as the LA Galaxy tailors have decoded the wax crayon scrawl that David Beckham handed them with 'Vis iz mi an I lik mi nu clovves' written underneath it anyway.

Even the British public are finding it hard to care too much about David Beckham's decision to give up football for LA-based soccer where he'll earn more money in a week than entire streets do in a decade, so guess what the reaction is in LA.

That's right; there isn't really one of those either. Because at least in England people know who David Beckham is - he's the guy who used to play on England's right wing until Aaron Lennon came along and was better - but in America David Beckham is the dude with the skinny Spice Girl wife and not a lot else. What made David Beckham give up a life of being taken seriously as a competitive sportsman for a life in LA? Well, money obviously. And the love and support of Tom Cruise, who David Beckham has revealed was key in helping him decide to go and live in a warm country where everyone speaks English and wants to pay him hundreds of millions of dollars for basically holding some shaving equipment.

You Americans don't know what's about to hit you; David Beckham and his skinny wife Victoria are heading your way after Beckham agreed to a $250 million move to football team the Los Angeles Galaxy after realising nobody in Europe likes him.

That's right, forget your megastars like Brad Pitt and Britney Spears - from now on Los Angeles will be the city of David Beckham, who'll no doubt set the town on fire with his girl's eyebrows, mild-mannered girl's voice and ridiculously-dressed wife following him around everywhere. Many people are asking why David Beckham has effectively given up his competitive footballing career for a move to the Los Angeles Galaxy; is it the money that David Beckham is after? Does he really want to push soccer as a serious sport in America? Or is it that David Beckham wants to be more famous and hang out with Tom Cruise a lot more? We say it's the last one, and so the Big David Beckham Scientology Conversion Countdown starts here.

It's a long fall from the top, as David Beckham is discovering. Just a few months ago, David Beckham was the captain of the national football team of the country that invented football - now he just teaches kids.

Perhaps that's a bit misleading - since one of the kids that David Beckham is reportedly coaching is none other than Maddox Jolie Pitt, the adopted son of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Brad Pitt supposedly asked David Beckham to personally teach young Maddox some of his skills. And they're paying off, too - since starting lessons with David Beckham, five-year-old Maddox Jolie-Pitt has been kicking every single Argentinian he's clapped eyes upon. And he's already had it off with Rebecca Loos, too.

hecklerspray has been thinking.

We've noticed how faddy diets are on the increase. From tried and tested granddaddies of the genre like Atkins to more novel approaches such as Shit Yourself Thin or Less Legs Equals Less Lardiness, literally everyone - everyone - is trying to lose weight in an innovative and ultimately unsuccessful way.

Which is why we've come up with our own five-step program... one that's absolutely guaranteed to work. Want to hear it? Okay, then.

1) Don't

2) Eat

3) As

4) Much

5) Food

An unusual approach, we're sure you'll agree. But one that has a certain merit to it. And one that would definitely be of use to the dark huddled masses of the Fat Children Of America.

The London Marathon offers all the best of British; a great crowd in high spirits (even in the rain!), great organisation, and… Jade Goody? Or not, according to the organisers of this years Flora London marathon.

Jade Goody, a woman previously most famous for not being able to pronounce very many words, has been criticised for not taking the marathon seriously and dropping out after 19 miles.

It's a shame - the entire country was holding its breath and looking forward to seeing a fat bloke dressed up as the Artful Dodger going "Ohhhh! OOHHHHH!" all over the top of a Parklife b-side and doing keepy-uppies.