Sports News
Mickey Rourke: The Wrestler Wrestles Wrestlers At Wrestlemania
Some would say that Mickey Rourke's face looks like an uncooked hamburger patty that's been trampled by a marching band. But not us. We'd say that Mickey Rourke's face doesn't look enough like an uncooked hamburger patty that's been trampled by a marching band. And we think Mickey Rourke agrees with us. Why? Because it's been hinted that Mickey Rourke - from The Wrestler, remember - will wrestle Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania in April. One-sided? Relax! After Wrestlemania there's going to be a rematch to see who can sob the most incoherently on a beach, a bout that Rourke will easily win.
Some would say that Mickey Rourke's face looks like an uncooked hamburger patty that's been trampled by a marching band. But not us. We'd say that Mickey Rourke's face doesn't look enough like an uncooked hamburger patty that's been trampled by a marching band. And we think Mickey Rourke agrees with us. Why? Because it's been hinted that Mickey Rourke - from The Wrestler, remember - will wrestle Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania in April. One-sided? Relax! After Wrestlemania there's going to be a rematch to see who can sob the most incoherently on a beach, a bout that Rourke will easily win.
Relax Elisha Cuthbert, The NHL Doesn’t Think You’re A Slag
Jack Bauer's booby daughter and Paris Hilton's alleged tonguey faux-lesbian pal she may be, but don't you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert. Actually, let's be a little clearer. Don't you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert if you're a professional ice hockey player who used to have sex with Elisha Cuthbert. Because if you do, you'll pretty much be banned from ice hockey forever. Just ask Sean Avery. He's been suspended indefinitely from the NHL, and all because he called Elisha Cuthbert his 'sloppy seconds'. That's not only obscene, but inaccurate - technically Cuthbert is Avery's 'spunky doubledip'.
Jack Bauer's booby daughter and Paris Hilton's alleged tonguey faux-lesbian pal she may be, but don't you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert. Actually, let's be a little clearer. Don't you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert if you're a professional ice hockey player who used to have sex with Elisha Cuthbert. Because if you do, you'll pretty much be banned from ice hockey forever. Just ask Sean Avery. He's been suspended indefinitely from the NHL, and all because he called Elisha Cuthbert his 'sloppy seconds'. That's not only obscene, but inaccurate - technically Cuthbert is Avery's 'spunky doubledip'.
Oh Joey Chestnut, Won’t You Competitive-Eat Our Heart?
We're getting really tired of people who say that their skill is mechanics or songwriting or saving lives with the aid of medical science. Those skills are naught compared to the mighty skill held by Mr Joey Chestnut, a man who we wish to emulate in every single way possible. Why? Because Joey Chestnut - our favourite competitive eater - has just eaten 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes during an event in New York, smashing the previous world record. By doing so, Joey Chestnut instantly won a place in our heart. How big? Easily as big as the impacted chuck of bone-dense cholesterol that we presume is lodged in his ascending aorta and will zap him off to an early grave before too long. Hooray for Joey Chestnut!
We're getting really tired of people who say that their skill is mechanics or songwriting or saving lives with the aid of medical science. Those skills are naught compared to the mighty skill held by Mr Joey Chestnut, a man who we wish to emulate in every single way possible. Why? Because Joey Chestnut - our favourite competitive eater - has just eaten 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes during an event in New York, smashing the previous world record. By doing so, Joey Chestnut instantly won a place in our heart. How big? Easily as big as the impacted chuck of bone-dense cholesterol that we presume is lodged in his ascending aorta and will zap him off to an early grave before too long. Hooray for Joey Chestnut!
Hecklerspray Oddities: The Michael Phelps Breakfast
Michael Phelps, eh? He's good at swimming, isn't he? And - boy - does he ever have a lot of gold medals. Sorry. We're trying our hardest to think of something amusing to say about the record-breaking Olympic champion, but to be honest we just came up with a big list of puns like Phelp, I'm A ...
Steve McClaren Adopts a Flawless Dutch Accent
Football: technically a funny old game. Made more so with ex-England football team manager Steve McClaren, in his new role at Dutch side FC Twente. The man with a head that is home to a hair island and a face that wears a frighteningly creepy smile at all times has been spotted in the wild at his new job in the Netherlands, attempting to talk to the press. Now, far be it from us to mock the man, but, well - we had enough ammo to go on before this, and now he's just gone and set us up for life. He'll never have to behave like a twit again, he'll never have to do an awful job as England manager then blame it on everyone/thing else and he'll never have to talk utter, utter tripe ever again. Because this clip says everything about Steve McClaren you would ever want it to. The man is clearly deranged - there cannot be any other explanation for his decision to adopt such a stunning 'Dutch' accent. He actually sounds like your dad on holiday, trying to talk to a waiter who can only manage broken English.
Football: technically a funny old game. Made more so with ex-England football team manager Steve McClaren, in his new role at Dutch side FC Twente. The man with a head that is home to a hair island and a face that wears a frighteningly creepy smile at all times has been spotted in the wild at his new job in the Netherlands, attempting to talk to the press. Now, far be it from us to mock the man, but, well - we had enough ammo to go on before this, and now he's just gone and set us up for life. He'll never have to behave like a twit again, he'll never have to do an awful job as England manager then blame it on everyone/thing else and he'll never have to talk utter, utter tripe ever again. Because this clip says everything about Steve McClaren you would ever want it to. The man is clearly deranged - there cannot be any other explanation for his decision to adopt such a stunning 'Dutch' accent. He actually sounds like your dad on holiday, trying to talk to a waiter who can only manage broken English.
Elmo Tries to Educate David Beckham
“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?†barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street. More then likely because it’s not real. But for once we have to hold our massive hands up and admit that someone does actually know where the sodding place is. Would you believe it, the person in question is the most unlikely of sources; none other then publicity-seeking semi-celebrity and occasional footballer David Beckham. Perhaps he stumbled on the Street after getting lost on his journey back from training to his fifty-seven bathroomed mansion. You do have to feel sorry for the poor kid, seeing as he has probably just learned the difference between left and right.
“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?†barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street. More then likely because it’s not real. But for once we have to hold our massive hands up and admit that someone does actually know where the sodding place is. Would you believe it, the person in question is the most unlikely of sources; none other then publicity-seeking semi-celebrity and occasional footballer David Beckham. Perhaps he stumbled on the Street after getting lost on his journey back from training to his fifty-seven bathroomed mansion. You do have to feel sorry for the poor kid, seeing as he has probably just learned the difference between left and right.
Wayne Rooney Chosen to Give Bread a New Scummy Image
If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it. Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various brothels up and down the country have to offer, he's instead going to try and concentrate on tucking into a portion of bread. We mean with his teeth. Not his winky. You perverts.
If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it. Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various brothels up and down the country have to offer, he's instead going to try and concentrate on tucking into a portion of bread. We mean with his teeth. Not his winky. You perverts.
John Terry Doesn’t Care About The Disabled
Chelsea and England football captain John Terry has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.
According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.
So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.
