Women! When you’ve stopped complaining about the negative, overtly sexual images of women in media, which breed an unrealistic body-ideal in young girls, we’d like to point you in the direction of David Beckham in his underpants.

See, ol’ GoldenNads has done a photoshoot for some undercrackers he’s flogging through dreary clothing bazaar, H&M.

A number of women have stopped worrying about the patriarchy long enough to admire Beckham’s bulge and sigh with feint arousal everytime they see it. So what does David have to say about it? Well, it doesn’t involve stuffing but it does involve his daughter.

While womenfolk rail against the appearance of naked girls in print, they simultaneously objectify men like there ain’t a thing to it. The gays of the world objectify everything because they’re brilliant at it and make no apology about it.

For straighty woman though, there’s this confusion over whether or not its okay to lust after a half-naked human. The selling of female flesh by the pound is bad, but musing on whether Becks’ stuffs his package is completely fine.

And on that score, Beckham has proudly proclaimed that he has never stuffed his pants to make his manhood look bigger.

Referring to comedian James Corden – who parodied him in a shoot, who admitted to stuffing socks in the underwear – David said:

“I’ve never, ever done a James and padded out my pants, or shoved socks down there though. I’ve never had to for any of the photoshoots I’ve done because, hopefully, I don’t need to. Well, let’s just say I’ve been told I don’t need any help in that department. I think I’m pretty OK!”

Of course, there’ll be women dribbling down their blouses at the thought of a massive schlong hiding behind those briefs. However, if you have half a brain, you’ll note that, in Beckham’s shots, his gruds appear to be filled with 90% balls. Does that mean Beckham has a genital region that looks like a jug spout grafted onto a hot-air balloon?

Either way, ol’ Davey B wasn’t finished talking about underwear. He’s quite the raconteur you know?

“Victoria loves me in long johns. I like wearing the normal, short briefs but she reckons she likes me better wearing the long johns! She makes me wear them around the house. But that’s OK because they’re comfortable and keep you warm.”

Frost/Nixon, eat your heart out.

And still he wasn’t finished! No, he wanted to talk about the fact that his daughter should be thoroughly ashamed of the naked human body. Talking about how he used to walk around his house naked, he said:

“My naked days are over. I definitely walk around the house in my underwear. But not naked. With the boys it’s not a problem because they’re naked all the time but with a little girl now, it is different.”

There you go. Instill that little girl with a sense of shame from the off Dave! Go you! Still, at least she’ll grow up thinking that the human body is something to be hidden, unless you’re displaying your ballbag to the world in a series of lucrative advertisements, eh?

Remember when Janet Jackson invented the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl? That was good wasn’t it? In the old days, it was just called ‘flashing’ or ‘exposing yourself’, which is clearly what happened, but Janet’s people had to pretend it was an accident.

Well, people are a little nervous of a nipple being shown at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, mainly because no-one in their right mind wants to see Madonna’s rock-hard gym-sculpted banger on view, all sinew and veins.

And mercifully, she’s promised that this won’t be happening.

Madonna says that all efforts have been made to ensure that she won’t be exposing a nork to the biggest television audience in the world.

Lucky really because, it hasn’t escaped our attention that she’s slowly turning into Iggy Pop with each passing year.

“Great attention to detail has been paid to my wardrobe, there will be no wardrobe malfunction – I promise”.

There’s a lot riding on this for Madge and she admits that she’s feeling the pressure of performing at the Super Bowl. And it really is a gigantic audience. Last year’s Super Bowl bagged itself 111 million in the US.

“This is a Midwesterner girls dream to be performing at the Super Bowl half-time show”

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-orientated or freaked out.”

And here’s a preview of Madonna’s new video for her new single, ‘Give Me Your Luvin” which features American Footballers and stuff!

You may think the Super Bowl is all about a sporting event, but you’re wrong. It’s all about television and, specifically, the adverts that litter the game. American Football is the perfect sport for the advertising exec.

Why?

Well, not only is America filled with vain, greedy sporting superstars who are willing to shill to the highest bidder, but American Football is also filled with stop/start action and, for every stop, there’s a chance for a television advert. To many, the commercials are the whole reason for tuning in. IMAGINE! Anyway, if you can’t be bother with all that sport cluttering up a perfectly good break, here’s the ten best Super Bowl big game commercials.

It’s worth pointing out that, 2012 is a weird Super Bowl year. Away from the game, this year sees most of the big match commercials being put online prior to the game, which kinda takes out the surprise element which made the ads worth tuning in for.

Either way, they’re a talking point again, which will be good news to dead-hearted advertisers, who have all spent gigantic amounts of money for their precious 30 seconds of airtime.

Of course, if you live in the UK, you won’t see any of these because the Super Bowl is shown on the BBC, which doesn’t have commercials, so expect near endless punditry.

Anyway, here’s the ten best commercials.

The Seinfeld One

The One With Curtains Made From Pizza

The One Where A Woman Assaults A Man

The Star Wars One

The Awful Ferris Bueller One

The David Beckham In His Underpants One

The One Where The Bloke Nearly Dies

The One With The Man Who Has A Singing Shoulder

The One With A Vampire Party

The One With A Car Full Of Dogs

Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”. 

The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.

Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here’s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.

10. Marcus Allen shreds the Washington Redskins defence (Super Bowl XVIII)

If you’re a fan of the Redskins, this’ll hurt. Watching the then defending Super Bowl champions get smothered by Tom Flores’ Los Angeles Raiders, is painful, watching Marcus Allen make patsies of the ‘skins defence is excruciating. Redskins fans are still waiting for the day that they watch this replay and, magically, Darrell Green catches Allen. One day.

9. Montana to Taylor (Super Bowl XXIII)

Super Bowl XXIII was one of those rare Super Bowls that wasn’t a total crock, it featured a cagey first half with the teams trading field goals and brutal injuries (a broken ankle for the Niners, a shattered leg for the Bengals), but it was Stanford Jennings kick-off return for a touchdown for the Bengals that lit the touch paper on this classic. Eventually it was Joe Cool and the 49ers that prevailed with a 92 yard drive culminating in the game winning touchdown to John Taylor to capture the Niners first Super Bowl for 4 years.

8. Roethlisberger to Holmes/Rambling Madman (Super Bowl XLIII)

Fuck the Steelers. The current Pittsburgh team is home to two of the most unlikeable players in NFL history. First, there’s Ben Roethlisberger who was a botched police report away from a rape charge (that’s 3 he’s dodged now if you’re keeping count) and homophobic idiot James Harrison. Begrudgingly these two plays are very good, Roethlisberger threads the ball between three cardinals defenders to Holmes who makes a balletic catch whilst falling out of bounds to win the game; and perhaps most impressively, Harrison intercepts Kurt Warner at the goal line and returns it 100 yards for the score, everybody likes to watch fat people running so this was like poetry in motion.

7. Wide Right (Super Bowl XXV)

The Buffalo Bills of the late 80s/early 90s were a joy to behold; with Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas running the high octane “K-Gun” offense and hall of fame quarterback destroyer Bruce Smith powering the defence. They marched to an improbable 4 straight Super Bowls, and more improbably, lost them all. The first was the most heart breaking of all with Scott Norwood’s last minute 47 yard field goal sailing wide right sealing a 20-19 victory for the New York Giants, the closest margin of victory in any Super Bowl.

6. Redemption For New Orleans (Super Bowl XLIV)

When hurricane Katrina battered the city of New Orleans in 2005 the super dome became a shelter for hundreds of homeless. In the aftermath the city felt let down by the federal government and the Saints themselves had to play in San Antonio for the 2005 season, when they returned to the super dome in 2006 the city took on the team as a beacon of hope for renewal, it was the start of a drive of city and team that culminated with a win in Super Bowl XLIV

5. Doug Williams Vs. The Broncos (Super Bowl XXII)

When the John Elway-led Denver Broncos took a 10-0 lead at the end of the first quarter with Washington quarterback Doug Williams injured on the side-lines, things looked grim for the ‘skins; no team had ever overcome more than a 10 point margin, but when Williams returned for the ‘skins first drive of the second quarter, the game was turned on its head. Williams threw touchdowns to Gary Clark, Clint Didier and two to Ricky Sanders to blow the Bronocos out the game and become the first (and so far only) African-American quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

4. The Tackle (Super Bowl XXXIV)

The ’99 St. Louis Rams have gone down in history as one of the most explosive, high powered offensives in NFL History. The so-called ‘Greatest Show on Turf’ could outscore anyone with the quadruple threat of QB Kurt Warner (that season’s league MVP), RB Marshall Faulk and WR’s Isaac Bruce & Torry Holt, but it was a defensive play that was required to overcome the Steve McNair led Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV. The image of Kevin Dyson with ball outstretched failing to reach the end zone is one of the most iconic in Super Bowl history, with the tackler, Mike Jones, whose career was otherwise undistinguished would go down as the NFL equivalent of a ‘one hit wonder’

3. 70 Chip (Super Bowl XVII)

John Riggins is a folk legend. A beast of a running back, ‘The Diesel’ smashed through defences for 14 years on his way to the Hall of Fame, but that was all secondary with Riggo, ‘cos he’s one of the greatest characters the game has ever spit out.

No other player has ever told supreme court justice Sandra Day O’Conner to “lighten up Sandy baby”, Or decided to sit out a year to go fishing and hunting. But it was his 43 yard run into super bowl history that was his finest moment. Facing 4th and 1 at the Miami 43, Joe Gibbs called I-Right 70 Chip, Riggins took the hand-off, made the edge and swotted away Don McNeal who desperately grasped for Riggins jersey in vain. The Dolphins learned that once cranked up, you couldn’t stop The Diesel.

2. The Guarantee (Super Bowl III)

When the two rival leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League agreed to play a season end championship game starting in ’67, no-one gave the upstart AFL a chance against the big boy NFL, and the first two super bowls were NFL victories, Super Bowl III pitted the NFL’s Baltimore Colts against the AFL’s New York Jets. New York, led by ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath had ideas on an upset. The cocksure, fashionable playboy Namath went one step further, proclaiming “We’re gonna win the game. I guarantee it”, the world scoffed, but after time expired it was Namath and the Jets who had the last laugh, defeating the Colts 16-7, and the image of Namath walking off the field wagging his finger is no doubt the most indelible image from any super bowl

1. ‘The Catch’ (Super Bowl XLII)

Super Bowl XLII was meant to be a capper on a perfect season for the New England Patriots, they had simply smashed every single opponent on route to an unprecedented 18-0 record (the only undefeated team in history the ‘72 Dolphins finished 12-0 and won’t shut the fuck up about it). Only the New York Giants and their oft criticised, always derp-faced quarterback Eli Manning stood between the ‘Pats and history. Well that’s not true, the Giants defence is what really stood between the two, sacking Ugg-shilling-Mr-Gisele-Bundchen Tom Brady 4 times and harassing him all game, still the Giants couldn’t put it together on offense, until Eli Manning got swallowed by the Pats defence, and somehow came out the other side, heaving the ball up for David Tyree to haul in with the most improbable catch ever seen, the ball seemingly velcroed to his helmet. After that it seemed fated that Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game winner.

This was a guest post by strong-arm Dan Cabble who has been enjoying unpopular culture for well over a decade now. Find him whining here.

Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career.

We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up a word document instead.

Now make a list of all the Matthew Broderick films of which you can remember. Done that? Now cross out all the ones that weren’t artistic travesties. Come on, be honest with yourselves. By the way if you didn’t cross out Godzilla it’s probably best if you cease this exercie immediately.

As a reliable rule of thumb one should master cutlery before tacking cultural discourse on the internet.

Don’t look on Wikipedia, that’s cheating. Now how many films have you got? Not many eh? 3, 4, 5 maybe? Weird isn’t it for an almost 30 year career?  We were surprised because we like equine bothering super nice-guy Matthew Broderick. The reason any of us still have a soft spot for him is because of Ferris Bueller.

If you like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, then you’ll probably love the new Honda commercial/Bueller homage made for the crazily valuable Superbowl commercial break slot. We say probably because you may feel there’s some ‘selling out’ issue. If that’s the case you may just have to accept that movies aren’t early 80s hardcore punk and that Matthew Broderick isn’t Henry Rollins.

Once you’ve done that then you can sit back and enjoy. Then depending on how keen you are, watch it again and look out  for the subtle details that were put there for your nerd-ass.

Oh, and try not to think about the fact that he looks like  70 year old botoxed woman when he has the towel on his head.

The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay.

We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. That’s because he’s a massive slag either way.

How so? Well, what happened to you when you found out you didn’t get tickets for some stupid event at the London 2012 Olympics? You basically looked into your lap, dejectedly, and thought ‘that’s that then’. Clooney is a star though. He can slag it up in the media asking for a freebie.

See, George Clooney is desperate to attend this year’s London Olympics. So much so that he’s enthusing about the world’s third biggest sports event (after The FIFA World Cup and Summer Slam) coming to the English capital as he loves visiting soooooo much. London’s just wonderful, eh George! Best place on Earth eh?

Lying slag.

Alas, he’s not been able to get any tickets, leaving him begging for some from The Sun:

“I think it’s fantastic that the Olympics are coming to London. I think you should always try to take politics out of sport and the London bid did that.”

“Track and field is something that I really want to come back and see if I can get some tickets. I’m a big fan of London. There are only a handful of great cities in the world and it’s one of them.”

Only an American tourist could ever call London a ‘great city’.

He’s obviously never been on a night bus with a drunk lunatic or had to endure actual London residence, with their inflated sense of worth and B.O. brought on by scurrying around the Tube like rodents.

The year 2012, what exactly does it mean to you? For enthusiasts of time, calendars and dates, 2012 means a leap year! That’s right, it isn’t one of those run of the mill 365 day occasions. Instead, we get an extra day that normally doesn’t exist! Roll on February 29th!

And this year, thuggish England football fans will be getting excited as they prepare to jet off to Poland and the Ukraine to witness our lads (© The Sun) losing in Euro 2012.

But the mass global event we’re all thoroughly bored of hearing about is the 2012 Olympics. Like a school sports day on a grander scale, millions from around the world will get to see London make a complete mess of it. With the help of an all singing, all dancing and all wrinkled Paul McCartney.

Recently, lizard-president of the UK, David Cameron wanted to see more support come from TV networks so the British film industry could rosily bloom like a bunch of flowers next to a cancer victim’s grave. We all laughed and scorned at the prime ministers suggestions, however, we wish that the same train of thought was suggested to the Olympics.

Us British like a good old piece of nostalgia. Honestly, it’s amazing that some trendy company haven’t found a way of sucking the fondest memories you possess out your brain and converted them into some awful glistening cupcake. Imagine if you ever felt sad or lonely; a delicious slice of nostalgia cake could be scoffed down to get that happy feeling back in your tummy.

Obviously, we’re obsessed about the past because the UK has nothing to look forward to. We’ve already peaked.

From winning the 1966 World Cup or remembering the time when one of our princesses got smushed to bits in a Paris tunnel, you’ll be guaranteed that a tabloid paper will mention it at any given opportunity. In the music world, Paul McCartney is someone that we supposedly can’t get enough of. As someone who played in a band named after his favourite type of insect that weren’t even as good as The Beach Boys, he is amazingly popular and at time of writing, hasn’t been put in a home for his own good.

Britain is a nation to afraid to even vaguely venture in to new territories, kind of like your average holiday maker who insists on getting chips instead of rice with his chicken korma. Once you get into a habit, it’s hard to break it. Think about it, we wheeled out Paul McCartney in 2002 when The Queen had her Golden Jubilee. Though we assume they’d have used Freddie Mercury if he hadn’t died of the AIDS. Speaking about any possible Olympic involvement, McCartney said:

“I am seeing the guy because there is something they want me to do. I might be doing something in the Olympics. I know until then.”

When do we get to vote him into the Dignitas house in Switzerland?

Hey! America! You know that song you have that goes “Oh say can you see? By the dawn’s early light! Da-da-dum, dee-dee-dee, the actor called Rocket Redglare’s arse glows!” or whatever it is? Well, once again, it will be sung at a major sporting event where you don’t compete against anyone else in the world!

And who might be fluffing the lyrics to it at Super Bowl XLVI?!

Why, it’s the regrettably nice Kelly Clarkson who is very, very difficult to hate – unless you listen to her music.

Yessir!

Kelly Clarkson will sing ‘The Star-Spangled Bruce Banner’ at the Super Bowl on February 5th at the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Of course, this hasn’t been formally announced, but the organisers of the entertainment for the NFL are absolutely hopeless when it comes to keeping secrets.

Seriously. The NFL is one big gossiping old trout, nattering over the garden fence to next door. And next door is a massive loudmouth.

Clarkson will join a whole host of performerers at this year’s Super Bowl including Madonna, who will perform during halftime with guests M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj, and Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton, who will sing “America the Beautiful” as a duet.

Surely the latter should be called ‘America IS Beautiful’. Cuh! Y’all be dropping the letter ‘U’ from a bunch of words next you brutes!

Go Lions!

For years now, butch gay men have been modelling themselves on Hulk Hogan. Handlebar moustache? Check. Tight t-shirt with the sleeves cut off? Check. Flings with musclebound studs called Brutus Beefcake? Check…

Wait, what?

Yes, according to Hogan’s estranged wife Linda, Terrance Gene ‘Hulk Hogan’ Bollea had an affair with the aforementioned Mr Beefcake, a.k.a. Ed Leslie. The claims emerged in her recent book: ‘Wrestling the Hulk’, which, incidentally is also the name of an obscure sexual practice featuring three men in ripped trousers and a vat of green paint.

The Hulkster denies the claims, stating ‘ME SO ANGRY’ and ‘HULK SMASH’.

Hang on, that’s not right. What he actually said was:

“If any of that was true, I would admit it, and (if) I was a homosexual I would embrace it.”

Unfortunately, for all that Terry was commendably quick to claim he isn’t actually gay as a window for beefy men, but that who cares if he is, right? Because it’s fine…he doesn’t take the sensible, gay-friendly step of just stopping right there, going on to say:

“It’s just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it. I don’t mean to laugh about it, because it’s not funny. But it’s insane. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

Although that directly contradicts his Twitter feed, which currently reads:

HULK SMASH REPUBLICAN TEA PARTY HOMOPHOBIA! And HAPPY COMING OUT DAY! HULK WEAR RAINBOW SHORTS IN CELEBRATION.

Actually, that last one might be by @FeministHulk. But still, on the whole- wethinks the Hulk doth protest too much.

Afterall, his sport is entirely dedicated to the homoeroticism of men, greased up, fake tanned and mauling each other in their underwear.

This was a guest post by ‘spray alumni Hilary W of the tremendous Tellysquawks.com. Okay?

We live in a world where, astonishingly, Mike Tyson is actively encouraged to sing. And not any old tune. We live in a world where Mike Tyson is encouraged to sing The Girl From Ipanema.

We’ve all been waiting for a boxer to go Bossa Nova haven’t we?

Better yet, is that Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist and yet, for some reason, he continues to get work in movies and television. It must be great for Desiree Washington to see him enjoying the life of a celebrity again, right? Anyway, if you want to see him sing, get over the jump.

Of course, Iron Mike has always been a treat for the ears hasn’t he? Just ask Evander Holyfield who got half of his bitten off by Tyson some years ago in a boxing match.

That’s not really what we mean. We’d like to focus on his lisp. If you don’t know the lyrics for the song, Mike sings them something like this:

“Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goeth walking, and when thee passes each one thee patheth goeth “a-a-ah!” When thee walkth thee’s like a thamba that, thwingth tho cool and thwayth tho gentle, that when thee patheth each one thee patheth goeth “aaaaah!”"

There’s also a lovely bit that goes:

“But each day when thee walkth to the thea, thee lookth thtraight ahead not at me”

Anyway, you can watch one of the most dangerous and unsettling men to ever walk the Earth look a bit stupid in a white suit on Brazilian television.

HAVE FUN.

A sports personality we can’t name for legal reasons (not Barry Venison, pictured right, we just like his hair) was this week seen with his similarly unnamed wife arguing in the street with the unnamed person who may or may not been his former lover of an unnamed amount of time.

The sportsman in question, a legend of the sports world with over 900 appearances for an unnamed Manchester football club, had previously taken out a superinjunction that prevented us from reporting on his other extramarital affair, with an unnamed Big Brother contestant.

He and his wife were seen to approach his unnamed sister in law in order to confront her over going to the tabloids and spilling her unnamed guys about the near decade long affair.

“I hope you got paid a lot of money, that’s 2 families you’ve ruined!”

Exclaimed the star! His wife meanwhile, simply referred to the sibling her husband had sex with as a, “whore.” How original.

Naturally we haven’t been able to report any of the really juicy details, like when the unnamed star burst into flames and threw his former mistress into the heart of the sun, ending the issue and any speculation of a possible make up 3-way.

Similarly, we probably shouldn’t have actually mentioned this unnamed incident at all, lest we find ourselves on the receiving end of some extremely boring and ill thought out legal threats.

So, dear reader, please bear in mind that we never wrote this article and you never read anything on hecklerspray about Ryan Giggs or his troublesome travelling tallywhacker.

In fact, we here in the hecklerspray bedsit are currently in the process of filing a superinjunction against ourselves.

Just so we can save you from the filth and lies that we print for your viewing pleasure.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

She might hate hydrangeas, but she sure loves people throwing stupidly shaped balls around! That’s right folks! Madonna is totally going to be the halftime distraction at the next Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLVI if you can’t count in English.

The Material Girl (we’re forced to use that description by law) will clutter up the pitch with a giant stage on February 5th in Indianapolis, which of course, is famous for a stupid car race, being almost square shaped and having virtually zero sidewalks. Stupid Indianapolis.

But at least they’ll get a massive American Football match and Madonna, eh?

Of course, this could all fall through as Madge has been rumoured to perform in two Super Bowls before (1998 and 2000) but she clearly couldn’t be bothered.

If it does go through, she’ll be joining a number of megastars who have performed on the Super Bowl pitch such as The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Janet Jackson’s nipple.

Last year, Americans witnessed the Black Eyed Peas prancing around in what was arguably the worst Super Bowl halftime ever.

EVER.

Naturally, Madonna will want to raise some eyebrows during her performances, so we suspect that she’ll take to the stage on a flaming crucifix while dry-humping a black Jesus, climaxing with the effigy of Lady GaGa getting stabbed by a hoard of gay men in PVC nappies.

That would actually be brilliant and don’t you dare pretend otherwise.

The football organization is keeping mum, with NFL spokesdude Greg Aiello (too many vowels in that surname) saying:

“We do not comment on the musical talent for the Super Bowl until we have something to announce”

Amazing words.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

There’s a lot of big talk from people about the London 2012 Olympics, not to mention some dumb track meet that’s been on the television recently, presented by various children’s TV presenters.

What’s the fuss?

Seriously – athletics is the stupidest thing ever. All that running around and throwing things at an innocent field. For what? Just to outdo someone else and win a necklace? Here’s some videos to prove it.

For starters (orders), presenting athletics is so stupid that usually sane humans lose all power of speech and brains.

As you may have seen recently, poor Ortis Deley drove nails through his career as he bumbled his way around the English language, looking like a confused toad in a wheelie bin.

Let us once again, look at Ortis Deley’s ‘presenting masterclass’.

Take note of the marvellous ‘good night’ segment, which is surely the finest piece of television ever broadcast.

Even athletes can succumb to the pointlessness of athletics. This Australian runner ran all the thoughts out of her head and was left with a wide-eyed appreciation of the darker workings of the human mind.

This is the best post-match interview you’ll ever see.

And before you even get to be interviewed, sports can mangle your mind so much that you end up completely forgetting the point of what you’re supposed to be doing, as this hurdles guy shows.

And after all your endeavours, as you reach the finishing line, you treat everyone to this spectacle, showing the world that you’ve run yourself ragged for absolutely no reason. At least you look very, very funny.

Still, better than idly sitting on a bench and getting a javelin through your back.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Cheryl Cole must be practising her best disappointed / all out of love face in the mirror again, because on again, off again, on again, off again, on again (off again?) ex-husband Ashley Cole is facing fresh allegation that as a single man he has slept with a lady or two, you know, cause he likes women and their vaginas.

After their divorce last year Cheryl has been linked to bleached blonde, male dancer Derek Hough (it might be fair to say she has a type) while Ashley has been free to run around playing with his phone and shooting work experience boys with air rifles. How manly of him.

It must have been this display of pure brute macho-ism that attracted Chezza back to Ashley, she is, after all, from Newcastle; and naturally the papers have been rife with rumours of weddings and babies and other things to distract people from the fact that golden girl Cheryl has been sacked from not one, but two major television shows in the space of a week.

So it should come to the surprise of no one that Ashley seems to have been scoring on and off the pitch… with ladies… you know, women, with breasts and female reproductive organs, just the way he likes them; and not been faithful to his ex wife, the naughty ladies man that he is.

One of the said vagina owners, model Colette McBarron, is believed to have been trying desperately to avoid been ousted as one of Ashley’s conquests. You know how those buxom blonde models hate being linked to Premiership footballers, nightmare, eh?

According to the Sun, the “Irish babe” has decided to “wait and see what happens” while more ladies come forward saying Ashley has scored in their goal. Goal meaning vagina. ‘Cos he likes those.

One source has said: “There are so many rumours flying around about Ashley – she can only keep her head down and avoid the publicity.”

Collette now joins the esteemed club of young women Ashley has ravaged, including air hostess Kerry Meades and US model Jessyca Rayanne, all of whom have said to they had flings with Ashley shortly before Mr & Mrs Cole are said to have got back together at her 28th birthday party earlier this month.

Oh Ashley, you crazy vagina loving ladies man, what will you get up to next? More vagina we assume. What a card.

This was an article by Ruairidh Pritchard who, if he survives the Chinese Water Torture that we’re currently subjecting him to, might be doing some more work for us.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Ryan Giggs may have won just about everything a footballer can win at club level, but really, what he most excels in is How To Balls Up A Brilliant Career By Completely Mismanaging A Scandal Surrounding Your Sex Life Forever And Ever.

So badly has Giggs played the whole injunction/Imogen Thomas thing, is that he’s now the new Barbra Streisand Effect, with everyone tittering at him for being such a colossal berk.

And weirdly, while no-one is actually supposed to be talking about him, thanks to the injunction still being in place, Imogen Thomas is apparently set to star in a musical about her affair with him, which surely contravenes all manner of laws. Still, at least Giggs isn’t trying to buy people’s silence again… wait? WHAT? AGAIN?

That’s right! It has been reported that Ryan Giggs is now offering his brother £250,000 so he doesn’t speak to the press about the fact his wife has been shagging him.

If you missed it, Gigg’s brother Rhodri had to pick his jaw off the floor when his wife, Natasha, sold her story to The News Of The World saying that she’d been having an affair with the Manchester United player for eight years! Hilariously, someone else reported that Ryan also tried it on with Natasha’s mother too!

And so, for £250,000, Rhodri has been asked to keep his mouth shut.

The poor shit has enough to deal with as it is now rumoured that Natasha has slept with at least three other Manchester United players.

Of course, this has left Ryan Giggs weighing up retirement, leaving his last game in a Manchester United shirt being the European Cup Final, where everyone looked at Giggs and thought ‘you tool, well done for disrupting your team’, before Barcelona handed their arses to them in a high hat.

A club source said:

“Concerns are growing. Sir Alex is willing to cut Ryan some slack and give him extra days off to clear his head.”

It’s emptying his head that got him in this mess in the first place.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!