Sports News
Marc Anthony Buys A Dolphin, Or Some Dolphins, Or Part Of A Dolphin
Marc Anthony probably gets sick of only being known as Jennifer Lopez's husband, so he's branched out. He's his own man now. His own man with his own stake in the Miami Dolphins, which is like a basketball team or something. Being a part-owner in a gigantic sport franchise like the Miami Dolphins will allow Marc Anthony to come out of Jennifer Lopez's shadow. It'll let him be his own man. It'll allow the world to see that he's not just a henpecked, put-upon husband to a frighteningly dominant woman. Marc Anthony announced the news yesterday with Jennifer Lopez. Naturally.
Marc Anthony probably gets sick of only being known as Jennifer Lopez's husband, so he's branched out. He's his own man now. His own man with his own stake in the Miami Dolphins, which is like a basketball team or something. Being a part-owner in a gigantic sport franchise like the Miami Dolphins will allow Marc Anthony to come out of Jennifer Lopez's shadow. It'll let him be his own man. It'll allow the world to see that he's not just a henpecked, put-upon husband to a frighteningly dominant woman. Marc Anthony announced the news yesterday with Jennifer Lopez. Naturally.
Michael Phelps Gets Suspended For Being A Stinking Hippy
For a second there it looked like Michael Phelps had got away with his bong-smoking exploits, didn't it? Well, he hasn't. Although the IOC has forgiven Michael Phelps for smoking pot at a student house party, USA Swimming has been a little bit tougher on him, slapping him with a three-month ban. In effect, this means that Michael Phelps will have to spend 12 of the coldest weeks of the year far away from a freezing swimming pool, while wearing more than just a tiny pair of Speedos. We don't know how the poor boy's going to cope, we really don't.
For a second there it looked like Michael Phelps had got away with his bong-smoking exploits, didn't it? Well, he hasn't. Although the IOC has forgiven Michael Phelps for smoking pot at a student house party, USA Swimming has been a little bit tougher on him, slapping him with a three-month ban. In effect, this means that Michael Phelps will have to spend 12 of the coldest weeks of the year far away from a freezing swimming pool, while wearing more than just a tiny pair of Speedos. We don't know how the poor boy's going to cope, we really don't.
The Greatest Football/Rap Stars EVER!
Time was when footballers needed just two skills – the ability to kick a football, and a knack for heavy drinking. That way, they could win the game, celebrate it, then drift slowly into crippling alcoholism. It worked. But, as with every successful system, a few young rebels felt it necessary to buck the trend, and now Gary Lineker has made it perfectly acceptable to have a successful career running in tandem with your sportiness. Even this weekend, Rio Ferdinand thought it time he showcased his magazine editing skills, taking over Observer Sports Monthly for a one-off – no one even knew footballers could read five/ten years ago. And it's not just the media that has benefited from this sudden surge in multi-talented centre forwards. No sir. The hardcore rap scene is having a field day. Below are the four greatest examples of sporting rap stars…
Time was when footballers needed just two skills – the ability to kick a football, and a knack for heavy drinking. That way, they could win the game, celebrate it, then drift slowly into crippling alcoholism. It worked. But, as with every successful system, a few young rebels felt it necessary to buck the trend, and now Gary Lineker has made it perfectly acceptable to have a successful career running in tandem with your sportiness. Even this weekend, Rio Ferdinand thought it time he showcased his magazine editing skills, taking over Observer Sports Monthly for a one-off – no one even knew footballers could read five/ten years ago. And it's not just the media that has benefited from this sudden surge in multi-talented centre forwards. No sir. The hardcore rap scene is having a field day. Below are the four greatest examples of sporting rap stars…
Super Bowl Porn: Arizona Gets A Boner
Maybe you’re not American, in which case you care less about 'gridiron' than you do about what kind of tea the sister of Coldplay’s bassist’s girlfriend drinks. Or perhaps you are American, but one of those weird 600lb ones, in which case you’re unable to produce a molecule of thought which doesn’t just consist of the words “Cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese” in an unending, hypnotic mindchant. Well you all need to GET interested in gridiron, because each game is now being broadcast with a free porno. Sign us up for ESPN immediately!
Maybe you’re not American, in which case you care less about 'gridiron' than you do about what kind of tea the sister of Coldplay’s bassist’s girlfriend drinks. Or perhaps you are American, but one of those weird 600lb ones, in which case you’re unable to produce a molecule of thought which doesn’t just consist of the words “Cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese” in an unending, hypnotic mindchant. Well you all need to GET interested in gridiron, because each game is now being broadcast with a free porno. Sign us up for ESPN immediately!
IOC: ‘Oh Michael Phelps, How Could We Ever Stay Mad At You?’
Michael Phelps exemplifies the Olympic spirit better than anyone, in that he's a genetic freak who looks a bit dim. But Michael Phelps' Olympic career has taken a massive blow. It's all thanks to that pesky picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party. Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he's done. Silly IOC - that's not shame, that's just what Michael Phelps' mangled-up face normally looks like.
Michael Phelps exemplifies the Olympic spirit better than anyone, in that he's a genetic freak who looks a bit dim. But Michael Phelps' Olympic career has taken a massive blow. It's all thanks to that pesky picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party. Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he's done. Silly IOC - that's not shame, that's just what Michael Phelps' mangled-up face normally looks like.
Bored In The USA: Bruce Springsteen Does The Super Bowl
Nobody watches the Super Bowl for sport, so nobody knows if the Cardigans or the Teapots won yesterday. But they do watch the Super Bowl for one thing - boobies. Across the world yesterday, hundreds of millions of people tuned into to the Super Bowl to see who'd accidentally flop a knocker out during the halftime show. Sadly, all we got was Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen yesterday performed a Super Bowl halftime set that was as flat and lifeless as any in recent memory, and he's received lukewarm reviews for it at best. Plus, let's be honest, his tits are terrible.
Nobody watches the Super Bowl for sport, so nobody knows if the Cardigans or the Teapots won yesterday. But they do watch the Super Bowl for one thing - boobies. Across the world yesterday, hundreds of millions of people tuned into to the Super Bowl to see who'd accidentally flop a knocker out during the halftime show. Sadly, all we got was Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen yesterday performed a Super Bowl halftime set that was as flat and lifeless as any in recent memory, and he's received lukewarm reviews for it at best. Plus, let's be honest, his tits are terrible.
Michael Phelps Sorry For Being Such A Drug-Crazed Lunatic
Michael Phelps, the man probably best known for starring in a Guitar Hero advert, has had better weekends. Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps. That's disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he'd be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that's what.
Michael Phelps, the man probably best known for starring in a Guitar Hero advert, has had better weekends. Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps. That's disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he'd be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that's what.
Mickey Rourke Won’t Be Beaten To Mush At Wrestlemania Now
The last time Mickey Rourke put aside acting to focus on professional fighting, it ended as badly as you'd imagine. It ended with Sylvester Stallone's Get Carter remake. Ugh. But Mickey Rourke isn't a man who repeats his mistakes - apart from the mistake involving him having haphazard cosmetic surgery procedure done on his face. And that's why Mickey Rourke has decided he'll no longer fight at April's Wrestlemania. We're appalled. Without Mickey Rourke, who at Wrestlemania will provide our fill of tragic, borderline-decrepit ageing beefcakes who essentially make their living as performing monkeys? All the other wrestlers? Oh.
The last time Mickey Rourke put aside acting to focus on professional fighting, it ended as badly as you'd imagine. It ended with Sylvester Stallone's Get Carter remake. Ugh. But Mickey Rourke isn't a man who repeats his mistakes - apart from the mistake involving him having haphazard cosmetic surgery procedure done on his face. And that's why Mickey Rourke has decided he'll no longer fight at April's Wrestlemania. We're appalled. Without Mickey Rourke, who at Wrestlemania will provide our fill of tragic, borderline-decrepit ageing beefcakes who essentially make their living as performing monkeys? All the other wrestlers? Oh.
