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Paula Abdul Has Never Been Drunk, Just Naturally Slurry & Weird

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a very good chance that Paula Abdul has achieved more than you – she’s a judge on America’s top-rated TV show, she’s duetted with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat – but Paula Abdul has never ever been drunk in her whole entire life.

“What?” you’re saying, “Paula Abdul has never been drunk? But if that’s the case, why is she such a barking mad slurry weirdo nutjob most of the time on American Idol? Those aren’t the actions of a sober woman.” And normally we’d completely agree – but the Paula Abdul drunk stories are just one of ’100 million lies’ that Paula Abdul says she has to put up with on a daily basis. We’re not sure what the other 999,999,999 lies are, but we’re pretty sure one of them has something to do with Simon Cowell, a strap-on penis and all of Il Divo chanting “touch the brown hole” in an annoying faux-operatic way while wearing Eyes Wide Shut-style face-masks.

There's a very good chance that Paula Abdul has achieved more than you - she's a judge on America's top-rated TV show, she's duetted with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat - but Paula Abdul has never ever been drunk in her whole entire life. "What?" you're saying, "Paula Abdul has never been drunk? But if that's the case, why is she such a barking mad slurry weirdo nutjob most of the time on American Idol? Those aren't the actions of a sober woman." And normally we'd completely agree - but the Paula Abdul drunk stories are just one of '100 million lies' that Paula Abdul says she has to put up with on a daily basis. We're not sure what the other 999,999,999 lies are, but we're pretty sure one of them has something to do with Simon Cowell, a strap-on penis and all of Il Divo chanting "touch the brown hole" in an annoying faux-operatic way while wearing Eyes Wide Shut-style face-masks.
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Leonardo DiCaprio Crushes Enron In His Mighty Actor Fist

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re making a film about something serious and important, but still want swarms of knicker-wetting girls to see it anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio is the first-choice go-to actor of choice these days – and now Leonardo DiCaprio is chasing Enron.

According to reports, Leonardo DiCaprio has signed on to star in a movie about the 2001 Enron scandal based on the Kurt Eichenwald book Conspiracy Of Fools. The Enron movie marks another inroad into Serious Movies Containing Messages for Leonardo DiCaprio, who would have constructed an impressive canon of important work over the last few years if only the film he’d signed on for directly before Conspiracy Of Fools wasn’t entitled Mr Wumbly’s Magical Rainbow Poo Bum Poo.

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TV Reminder – Laugh At Preston From The Ordinary Boys Tonight

by Matthew Laidlow

Remember ages ago when hecklerspray told you all about Preston from The Ordinary Boys throwing a hissy fit and stropping off Never Mind The Buzzcocks after Simon Amstell kept taking the piss out of his airhead wife Chantelle by reading extracts from her supposed autobiography?

Well, today’s the day that Preston’s Never Mind The Buzzcocks episode is broadcast, and we’d like to remind everyone who enjoys watching self-important boys from judderingly minor indie bands flounce off repetitive TV panel shows like massive girls that it goes out tonight at 10pm on BBC 2. If we don’t post anything tomorrow it’ll be because we’re watching Preston’s angry face in slow motion on a loop on Youtube, by the way.

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Boring Lily Allen Calls Other Boring Singer ‘Boring’

by C J Davies

‘Exciting’ really is a subjective term.

For example, if you asked hecklerspray to picture something ‘exciting’, we’d probably suggest white-water-rafting in a river full of mutant sharks. Or maybe ram-raiding a petrol station while smoking cigarettes in a car made of balsa wood. Or possibly the wildest idea we can think of: staying out really late until our mum shouts at us.

‘Exciting’, however, is not a word we’d use to describe the music of Lily Allen. If we were being kind, we’d say ‘overplayed’. If we were being moderate, we’d say ‘not our cup of tea.’ And if we were being vicious – i.e. ourselves – we’d say ‘unmitigated cack’.

In Lily Allen’s mind, though, things are different. It’s slowly becoming clear that she sees yakking away in a pretend-Brixton accent while occasionally taking recreational drugs as being on a revolutionary par with Abbie Hoffman or something.

How else could you justify the pot-calling-kettle action of Lily slagging off fellow Brit Nominee Corinne Bailey Rae?

'Exciting' really is a subjective term. For example, if you asked hecklerspray to picture something 'exciting', we'd probably suggest white-water-rafting in a river full of mutant sharks. Or maybe ram-raiding a petrol station while smoking cigarettes in a car made of balsa wood. Or possibly the wildest idea we can think of: staying out really late until our mum shouts at us. 'Exciting', however, is not a word we'd use to describe the music of Lily Allen. If we were being kind, we'd say 'overplayed'. If we were being moderate, we'd say 'not our cup of tea.' And if we were being vicious - i.e. ourselves - we'd say 'unmitigated cack'. In Lily Allen's mind, though, things are different. It's slowly becoming clear that she sees yakking away in a pretend-Brixton accent while occasionally taking recreational drugs as being on a revolutionary par with Abbie Hoffman or something. How else could you justify the pot-calling-kettle action of Lily slagging off fellow Brit Nominee Corinne Bailey Rae?
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Oscars Betting Odds: Clint Eastwood To Win Best Director?

by Stuart Heritage

The Oscars are now so close that we can smell the fresh shampoo on the red carpet, hear the orchestra practising playing Oscar winners off after three seconds and taste the starch in Ellen DeGeneres’ tux, but only because we thought it belonged to Portia.

And so we’re continuing our rundown of Oscars betting odds like things possessed. We’ve decided – somewhat controversially – that Helen Mirren might win Best Actress and Forest Whitaker might win Best Actor, but here comes our first unclear Oscars category – Best Director. There are so many phenomenally gifted directors involved in the Oscars race this year that literally any of them have it in them to come second to Martin Scorsese.

Here’s part one of our Best Director Oscars betting odds – for Stephen Frears, Paul Greengrass and Clint Eastwood – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

The Oscars are now so close that we can smell the fresh shampoo on the red carpet, hear the orchestra practising playing Oscar winners off after three seconds and taste the starch in Ellen DeGeneres' tux, but only because we thought it belonged to Portia. And so we're continuing our rundown of Oscars betting odds like things possessed. We've decided - somewhat controversially - that Helen Mirren might win Best Actress and Forest Whitaker might win Best Actor, but here comes our first unclear Oscars category - Best Director. There are so many phenomenally gifted directors involved in the Oscars race this year that literally any of them have it in them to come second to Martin Scorsese. Here's part one of our Best Director Oscars betting odds - for Stephen Frears, Paul Greengrass and Clint Eastwood - with betting odds from Paddy Power...
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Judi Dench Not Really All That Bothered About The Oscars

by Stuart Heritage

For the majority of actors and actresses it just doesn’t get any bigger than Oscar night – unless you’re Judi Dench, in which case you’d actively rather let a man in a face mask smash open your leg and fiddle about with the insides of your knee.

Judi Dench, you see, is going to avoid The Oscars this year – even though she’s up for Best Actress thanks to her role in Notes On A Scandal – and it’s all because The Oscars coincide with some knee surgery she’s due to have that’ll involve having her leg broken and reset. And while she’s in hospital Judi Dench is also going to have her face broken and reset – all that polite smiling she’s been doing each of the gazillion times that Helen Mirren has beaten her to an award this year has meant that Judi’s face has now permanently contorted into a hideous mix of two parts graceful appreciation to one part hidden secret disappointment.

For the majority of actors and actresses it just doesn't get any bigger than Oscar night - unless you're Judi Dench, in which case you'd actively rather let a man in a face mask smash open your leg and fiddle about with the insides of your knee. Judi Dench, you see, is going to avoid The Oscars this year - even though she's up for Best Actress thanks to her role in Notes On A Scandal - and it's all because The Oscars coincide with some knee surgery she's due to have that'll involve having her leg broken and reset. And while she's in hospital Judi Dench is also going to have her face broken and reset - all that polite smiling she's been doing each of the gazillion times that Helen Mirren has beaten her to an award this year has meant that Judi's face has now permanently contorted into a hideous mix of two parts graceful appreciation to one part hidden secret disappointment.
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Robbie Williams Goes To Rehab Again

by Stuart Heritage

Today is Robbie Williams’ birthday, and he’s celebrating in a time-honoured way – by realising that he’s got a huge dependency on prescription medication and clattering off to rehab before anyone can say “Of course, Gary Barlow was always the talented one.”

According to a brief statement by one of his spokespeople, Robbie Williams had admitted himself to an unknown rehab facility in America to battle another round of substance abuse problems – this time it’s apparently prescription medication that Robbie is trying to kick. The timing of Robbie Williams’ newest stint in rehab literally couldn’t have been worse – not because of Take That’s career rebirth or the effect it’ll have on the promotion of his new album, but because we only just sent him a giftwrapped gigantopack of Dilaudid for his birthday. In retrospect we should have probably got Robbie a Build-A-Bear Workshop voucher instead.

Today is Robbie Williams' birthday, and he's celebrating in a time-honoured way - by realising that he's got a huge dependency on prescription medication and clattering off to rehab before anyone can say "Of course, Gary Barlow was always the talented one." According to a brief statement by one of his spokespeople, Robbie Williams had admitted himself to an unknown rehab facility in America to battle another round of substance abuse problems - this time it's apparently prescription medication that Robbie is trying to kick. The timing of Robbie Williams' newest stint in rehab literally couldn't have been worse - not because of Take That's career rebirth or the effect it'll have on the promotion of his new album, but because we only just sent him a giftwrapped gigantopack of Dilaudid for his birthday. In retrospect we should have probably got Robbie a Build-A-Bear Workshop voucher instead.
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The Police To Be Vastly Smug Around The World This Year

by Stuart Heritage

OK – good news and bad news. The bad news is that The Police have announced a brand new world tour, so Sting’s big smug face will be even more ubiquitous than usual this year – but the good news is he’ll be too busy to play his effing lute any more.

At their special concert at the Whisky-A-Go-Go in Los Angeles yesterday – which really turned out to be four songs and a bit of a natter with Sting and the other two – The Police revealed that they’re going to embark upon a world tour starting in America from May this year. But why did Sting decide to reform The Police now? Was it nostalgia? Fun? A chance to show how critically relevant The Police still are? Or might it have something to do with the hundreds of millions of dollars that a world tour will earn them? Maybe we’ll never know.

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Brits Announce Crappy Live Voting Best Single Nominees

by Stuart Heritage

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day, but don’t worry if you’ve got nobody to share your love with – you can stay indoors and watch The Brits on TV instead; because watching Snow Patrol get given a metal trinket is more or less the same as kissing a girl, right?

This year The Brits are going to be more dangerous than ever. Russell Brand is on hosting duties, the ceremony is being broadcast live for the first time in 18 years and notorious hell-raising anarcopunk death-warrior Corrine Bailey Rae is performing one of her controversial hardline political gangsta gabba emo anthems live. Literally anything could happen! To seize upon the live nature of tomorrow’s Brits, Brit Award organisers have decided to let viewers choose the winner of the Best British Single award live via text message. It’s a nice idea, and it’d be even nicer if it didn’t seem like the nominees were chosen only because they have fans stupid enough to fall for a moronic stunt like this.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day, but don't worry if you've got nobody to share your love with - you can stay indoors and watch The Brits on TV instead; because watching Snow Patrol get given a metal trinket is more or less the same as kissing a girl, right? This year The Brits are going to be more dangerous than ever. Russell Brand is on hosting duties, the ceremony is being broadcast live for the first time in 18 years and notorious hell-raising anarcopunk death-warrior Corrine Bailey Rae is performing one of her controversial hardline political gangsta gabba emo anthems live. Literally anything could happen! To seize upon the live nature of tomorrow's Brits, Brit Award organisers have decided to let viewers choose the winner of the Best British Single award live via text message. It's a nice idea, and it'd be even nicer if it didn't seem like the nominees were chosen only because they have fans stupid enough to fall for a moronic stunt like this.
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Norbit’s Weekend Box Office Wrecks Eddie Murphy’s Oscar Chances

by Stuart Heritage

We’re no mathematicians, but this seems obvious. Dreamgirls didn’t get to number one in the US weekend box office and Norbit did – so Norbit is the better film and Eddie Murphy should have got an Oscar nomination for that film instead of Dreamgirls.

But oh no – the Oscars voters still seem steadfastly intent on rewarding Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls over his box office-topping work in Norbit, and that’s the way it seems it’ll stay – no matter how hard we lobby for the inclusion of a Best Black Actor Dressed Up In A Fatsuit And Pretending To Be A Woman category in the Oscars. That’s a shame, because Eddie Murphy in Norbit would have walked it over this year’s competitors Martin Lawrence in Big Momma’s House 2 and Tyler Perry in Family Reunion.

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