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Richard & Judy ‘Sorry For Everything’

by C J Davies

There’s nothing hecklerspray loves more than entering a TV phone-in quiz.

Seriously – it’s becoming an almost dangerous addiction. Over the last year alone we spent so much money dialling up ITV’s The Mint that we nigh-on sent the infrastructure of the global economy into fevered meltdown. Or something.

Yet – despite this predilection – we do have standards, you know. That’s right – if we’re phoning up a TV quiz, we want the answers to be so ludicrously impossible to guess that you might as well shout “arse-weasels” down the line at every opportunity and simply hope for the best.

This is why we’ve never played Richard And Judy’s You Say We Pay. And – judging from the furore that naughty Channel 4 has gotten itself tangled up in – it looks like no-one ever will again.

There’s nothing hecklerspray loves more than entering a TV phone-in quiz. Seriously – it’s becoming an almost dangerous addiction. Over the last year alone we spent so much money dialling up ITV’s The Mint that we nigh-on sent the infrastructure of the global economy into fevered meltdown. Or something. Yet – despite this predilection – we do have standards, you know. That’s right – if we’re phoning up a TV quiz, we want the answers to be so ludicrously impossible to guess that you might as well shout "arse-weasels" down the line at every opportunity and simply hope for the best. This is why we’ve never played Richard And Judy’s You Say We Pay. And - judging from the furore that naughty Channel 4 has gotten itself tangled up in – it looks like no-one ever will again.
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Warner Bros Won’t Sack Naked Harry Potter

by Stuart Heritage

Daniel Radcliffe can’t do right for doing wrong – and by that we mean that the Harry Potter film studio is angry about Daniel Radcliffe taking all his clothes off and stabbing some horses in the eye in worship of a mental horse-god in front of everyone.

Or that’s what we thought anyway – but all reports of Warner Bros getting narked because Harry Potter keeps getting naked in the new run of Equus have been quickly denied by Warner Bros itself. In fact, Warner Bros are so in-tune to the hype and hysteria surrounding naked Harry Potter that it’s doing all it can to insert footage of Daniel Radcliffe’s naked penis into all the old Harry Potter films for a new special edition DVD boxset – yes, even the one where he was an 11-year-old boy, the perverts. Unless we’re wrong and, since we just made that last bit up, we suspect we are.

Daniel Radcliffe can't do right for doing wrong - and by that we mean that the Harry Potter film studio is angry about Daniel Radcliffe taking all his clothes off and stabbing some horses in the eye in worship of a mental horse-god in front of everyone. Or that's what we thought anyway - but all reports of Warner Bros getting narked because Harry Potter keeps getting naked in the new run of Equus have been quickly denied by Warner Bros itself. In fact, Warner Bros are so in-tune to the hype and hysteria surrounding naked Harry Potter that it's doing all it can to insert footage of Daniel Radcliffe's naked penis into all the old Harry Potter films for a new special edition DVD boxset - yes, even the one where he was an 11-year-old boy, the perverts. Unless we're wrong and, since we just made that last bit up, we suspect we are.
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Deliberately Inflammatory Brian May Post

by Stuart Heritage

One of the best things about the internet is that it gives everyone a voice, from whip-smart hip-cat pop culture commentators (coughhecklerspraycough) to people who collect dolls that look like Princess Diana to phenomenally grumpy middle-aged rock stars.

That last category consists of Brian May from Queen and nobody else, by the way. It’s come to our attention via Idolator that Brian May hates just about every living creature on the face of the planet and, since he’s got his own blog now, he can basically froth and rant against the world like a bitter old lady in a bus queue. And we want in.

So far we’ve counted The Guardian, Drowned In Sound, Suggs From Madness, eBay, all Spanish people and every journalist that has ever lived in Brian May’s big list of things to get shitty about. Noticed that hecklerspray isn’t on that list? We have, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to sit here and let that happen. That’s why, after the jump, we’re going to make up 10 dreadful lies about Brian May with the sole intention of getting him to admit that he doesn’t much care for hecklerspray on his blog…

One of the best things about the internet is that it gives everyone a voice, from whip-smart hip-cat pop culture commentators (coughhecklerspraycough) to people who collect dolls that look like Princess Diana to phenomenally grumpy middle-aged rock stars. That last category consists of Brian May from Queen and nobody else, by the way. It's come to our attention via Idolator that Brian May hates just about every living creature on the face of the planet and, since he's got his own blog now, he can basically froth and rant against the world like a bitter old lady in a bus queue. And we want in. So far we've counted The Guardian, Drowned In Sound, Suggs From Madness, eBay, all Spanish people and every journalist that has ever lived in Brian May's big list of things to get shitty about. Noticed that hecklerspray isn't on that list? We have, and we'll be damned if we're going to sit here and let that happen. That's why, after the jump, we're going to make up 10 dreadful lies about Brian May with the sole intention of getting him to admit that he doesn't much care for hecklerspray on his blog...
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New J-Lo Movie Bordertown Booed At Berlin

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Lopez is a woman with many messages – her love don’t cost a thing, don’t be fooled by the rocks that she got – but the only message in most of Jennifer Lopez’s films is “don’t watch this – it’s rubbish and Jennifer Lopez isn’t very good in it.”

However, that changes with Bordertown. In Bordertown, Jennifer Lopez plays a hard-bitten journalist determined to put an end to a long series of murders in the Mexican border town of Ciudad Juarez. It’s a noble message for Jennifer Lopez to put her name to – she’s received an award from Amnesty International for making it – so it’s just a shame that Bordertown got such a critical mauling during its press screening at the Berlin Film Festival that Jennifer Lopez looked as if she was going to burst into tears all the way through it.

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Al Gore Ready to Shake His Groove Thing for the Environment

by hecklerspray staff

Former US vice president Al Gore is a lover, not a fighter. He may not be the most successful, smartest, most charming, handsomest, strongest, most successful or best-smelling politician out there, but he is committed to that which he loves – planet earth.

In fact, Al Gore loves the earth so much that he’s promoting a series of concerts in which scads of musicians will come together to increase awareness about the perils of global warming. We think this may be the best idea Big Al’s had since we heard he invented the Internet and, thus, us.

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Razzies Betting Odds: Sharon Stone’s Tits Worst Couple?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s Friday, and that only means one thing – Dancing On Ice tomorrow. Oh wait, two things; it also means we get to look at some Razzies betting odds – they’re like The Oscars, except they give awards to people like Sharon Stone for having wonky boobs.

Today we’re sharking in on the betting odds for the stupidest of the Razzies categories – the Worst On-Screen Couple. This award exists purely on the basis that the only thing worse than one stinking pointless arsehole fouling up a bad film is two stinking pointless arseholes fouling up a bad film. Or a stinking pointless arsehole dressed as a bear punching out girls. Or a stinking pointless arsehole with wonky boobs. Fun this, honest.

So here are the Razzies betting odds for the Worst On-Screen Couple – for all kinds of bad idiots – with betting odds coming from Paddy Power…

It's Friday, and that only means one thing - Dancing On Ice tomorrow. Oh wait, two things; it also means we get to look at some Razzies betting odds - they're like The Oscars, except they give awards to people like Sharon Stone for having wonky boobs. Today we're sharking in on the betting odds for the stupidest of the Razzies categories - the Worst On-Screen Couple. This award exists purely on the basis that the only thing worse than one stinking pointless arsehole fouling up a bad film is two stinking pointless arseholes fouling up a bad film. Or a stinking pointless arsehole dressed as a bear punching out girls. Or a stinking pointless arsehole with wonky boobs. Fun this, honest. So here are the Razzies betting odds for the Worst On-Screen Couple - for all kinds of bad idiots - with betting odds coming from Paddy Power...
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Milli Vanilli: The Movie – Probably Coming Soon

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a well-established fact that if you want to get hold of an Oscar, you need to make a film about a dead singer – but it seems like the only dead singer left is that dead bloke from Milli Vanilli, because someone’s decided to make a Milli Vanilli movie.

Reports are suggesting that Universal is putting together a Milli Vanilli biopic to be written and directed by Jeff Nathanson. Nathanson also wrote the last two Rush Hour sequels, so we can accurately predict that the Milli Vanilli movie will see Milli Vanilli walk into a room of bad guys, then Milli will say something stupid that enrages the bad guys before Vanilli is forced to kung-fu them out of the room and into another room where exactly the same things happen. Then they win a Grammy, give it back and one of them dies. Oh, and he also wrote Speed 2: Cruise Control, so all this will happen on a fast boat. Girl you know it’s true, as a wise man once mimed.

It's a well-established fact that if you want to get hold of an Oscar, you need to make a film about a dead singer - but it seems like the only dead singer left is that dead bloke from Milli Vanilli, because someone's decided to make a Milli Vanilli movie. Reports are suggesting that Universal is putting together a Milli Vanilli biopic to be written and directed by Jeff Nathanson. Nathanson also wrote the last two Rush Hour sequels, so we can accurately predict that the Milli Vanilli movie will see Milli Vanilli walk into a room of bad guys, then Milli will say something stupid that enrages the bad guys before Vanilli is forced to kung-fu them out of the room and into another room where exactly the same things happen. Then they win a Grammy, give it back and one of them dies. Oh, and he also wrote Speed 2: Cruise Control, so all this will happen on a fast boat. Girl you know it's true, as a wise man once mimed.
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The Brits 2007: Arctic Monkeys Win – Remember Them?

by Stuart Heritage

Last night’s Brit Awards were the first Brit Awards to be televised live for a few years, lending events an edge of danger – literally anything could happen, and if it did you could be sure that ITV would politely dip the sound until it stopped happening.

It’s a sad state of affairs when Joss Stone is the most rock and roll thing at an awards ceremony, but – hey – that’s The Brits. The big winners of The Brit Awards last night were Arctic Monkeys, who didn’t turn up; The Killers, who did turn up but nobody really noticed; and Amy Winehouse, who turned up, sang a song, got given an award, sort of didn’t understand how to work her microphone and walked off again. And Lily Allen didn’t win a single thing. Hooray for The Brit Awards!

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Oscars Betting Odds: Martin Scorsese For Best Director?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s time for our second look of the week at the Best Director Oscars betting odds, where we decide which raging paranoid egomaniac control-freak deserves to receive an award for being so insufferably bumptious to everyone all the time.

Yesterday, as usual, we took a peek at the outsiders for the Best Director Oscar – basically three men who made depressing films about death – but discount those, because chances are the Best Director Oscar will be going to one of these men who have made miserable films about death. So who’ll win – the miserable young upstart of the repeatedly stiffed veteran whose best work is behind him? Ooh, it’s a thrilling one alright.

So here are the Best Director Oscars betting odds – for Alejandro González Iñárritu and Martin Scorsese – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

It's time for our second look of the week at the Best Director Oscars betting odds, where we decide which raging paranoid egomaniac control-freak deserves to receive an award for being so insufferably bumptious to everyone all the time. Yesterday, as usual, we took a peek at the outsiders for the Best Director Oscar - basically three men who made depressing films about death - but discount those, because chances are the Best Director Oscar will be going to one of these men who have made miserable films about death. So who'll win - the miserable young upstart of the repeatedly stiffed veteran whose best work is behind him? Ooh, it's a thrilling one alright. So here are the Best Director Oscars betting odds - for Alejandro González Iñárritu and Martin Scorsese - with betting odds from Paddy Power...
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Some Girl From Eastenders Gets To Be The Bionic Woman

by Stuart Heritage

God, Eastenders is grim isn’t it? We’re not sure of the exact moment when a bunch of pikeys shrieking at each other became mainstream entertainment, but Michelle Ryan doesn’t care – the former Eastender is only the new bloody Bionic Woman.

Michelle Ryan was previously most famous for playing Zoe Slater in Eastenders – a role made up of 98% wailing “You ain’t my bleedin’ Mum!” and 2% wearing quite tight tops – but that’s all changed since Michelle Ryan was picked out of nowhere to play the lead in the pilot for a new series of The Bionic Woman made by NBC. And while Michelle Ryan playing The Bionic Woman is a big story, it’s already been overshadowed by the news that June Brown – Eastenders’ Dot Cotton – has been cast as the lead in Basic Instinct 3.

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