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Joss Stone Booed At Gig For Being Barmy

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve never paid much attention to Joss Stone here – yokels with rubbish hair shouting Aretha Franklin songs have never been our cup of tea, really – but that was before Joss Stone turned into a berserko nutjob who apparently lives on the moon.

After all, it was Joss Stone who single-handedly stole the show at The Brit Awards this year by launching into a confused monologue in a broad American accent about what Russell Brand would be like if he was discussing Robbie Williams’ recent rehab stint with Amy Winehouse using only the medium of ridiculous singing – and it’s looking alarmingly like Joss Stone’s behaviour at The Brits wasn’t a one-time thing, either. At a comeback gig in London on Tuesday night, Joss Stone was reportedly booed by the crowd after she turned up an hour late and then complained about being famous instead of singing songs.

We've never paid much attention to Joss Stone here - yokels with rubbish hair shouting Aretha Franklin songs have never been our cup of tea, really - but that was before Joss Stone turned into a berserko nutjob who apparently lives on the moon. After all, it was Joss Stone who single-handedly stole the show at The Brit Awards this year by launching into a confused monologue in a broad American accent about what Russell Brand would be like if he was discussing Robbie Williams' recent rehab stint with Amy Winehouse using only the medium of ridiculous singing - and it's looking alarmingly like Joss Stone's behaviour at The Brits wasn't a one-time thing, either. At a comeback gig in London on Tuesday night, Joss Stone was reportedly booed by the crowd after she turned up an hour late and then complained about being famous instead of singing songs.
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All Saints Finally Dropped For Being Rubbish & Unpopular

by Stuart Heritage

Newton’s Third Law says that every action has an equal and opposite reaction; so when Take That reunited to become the UK’s favourite middle-aged boyband, it was inevitable that another reunited group would fail miserably – that’d be All Saints.

It has been announced that grouchy combat-wearing 1990s girlgroup All Saints have been dropped by record label Parlophone after their last single Chick Fit didn’t even make the top 200. Social commentators are expressing their dismal at the outright failure of All Saints’ comeback, noting that they didn’t even get to make a bastard awful naked crime thriller directed by Dave Stewart that nobody wants to see this time around.

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Self-Important Bono To Edit Self-Important Magazine

by C J Davies

Dragging in a guest editor can really liven things up sometimes.

Why, only the other week we decided to open up the hecklerspray office doors and give ‘hilarious’ comedian Russell Brand the chance to run things. We had to stop after a couple of hours, though .. roundabout the point when we noticed that a) he spent too much time staring at his reflection in the computer monitor, teasing his hair into a pseudo-ironic sculpture and b) the only stuff he was writing was the word ‘ballbag’ over and over, laughing to himself as though he thought this was the epitome of postmodern wit.

So we shot him.

We can only hope that Vanity Fair’s upcoming experiment works out a little better. Why, you frenziedly scream? Because they’ve only gone and dragged in Irish rockstar Bono to take on editor-duties, that’s why.

Dragging in a guest editor can really liven things up sometimes. Why, only the other week we decided to open up the hecklerspray office doors and give 'hilarious' comedian Russell Brand the chance to run things. We had to stop after a couple of hours, though .. roundabout the point when we noticed that a) he spent too much time staring at his reflection in the computer monitor, teasing his hair into a pseudo-ironic sculpture and b) the only stuff he was writing was the word 'ballbag' over and over, laughing to himself as though he thought this was the epitome of postmodern wit. So we shot him. We can only hope that Vanity Fair's upcoming experiment works out a little better. Why, you frenziedly scream? Because they've only gone and dragged in Irish rockstar Bono to take on editor-duties, that's why.
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Jared Leto Smashes His Nose Up For His Crappy Band

by Stuart Heritage

The world is full of dreadful vanity projects – think Rudebox, Sting’s useless lute album or anything starring Ben Affleck – but possibly the worst of the lot is 30 Seconds To Mars, Jared Leto’s band; but the world knows this, and it wants them destroyed.

But even though 30 Seconds To Mars are so bad that we have to start smashing in our teeth with hammers the moment we hear one of their songs just to replace the bad noise with something else, it doesn’t mean that Jared Leto doesn’t suffer for his art. At a recent 30 Seconds To Mars show, for example, Jared Leto attempted to do a Bono-style walk through the audience to ‘connect’ with his ‘people’ or ‘something’ and ended up in hospital with his nose splattered all across his face.

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Old Cowboy George Strait Gets Some ACM Nominations

by Stuart Heritage

Country And Western music seems to be all the rage at the moment, what with the influx of country-influenced American Idol finalists and the newly-rediscovered sport of running over animals in a truck and then cooking them up for dinner and all.

And – apart from Whistlin’ Jeb Tenderfoot’s Bi-Weekly Banjoganza – there’s no greater place to celebrate country music than at the Academy Of Country Music Awards, where just about every country singer you can think of turns up in their smartest pair of dungarees to shoot pistols in the air and drink moonshine every time an award is given out. The nominations for this year’s ACM awards have recently been announced, and it looks like it’ll be a good year for George Strait; a middle-aged cowboy who we’ve never heard of, and – since he once recorded a song called Honk If You Honky Tonk – we’re not especially keen to, either.

Country And Western music seems to be all the rage at the moment, what with the influx of country-influenced American Idol finalists and the newly-rediscovered sport of running over animals in a truck and then cooking them up for dinner and all. And - apart from Whistlin' Jeb Tenderfoot's Bi-Weekly Banjoganza - there's no greater place to celebrate country music than at the Academy Of Country Music Awards, where just about every country singer you can think of turns up in their smartest pair of dungarees to shoot pistols in the air and drink moonshine every time an award is given out. The nominations for this year's ACM awards have recently been announced, and it looks like it'll be a good year for George Strait; a middle-aged cowboy who we've never heard of, and - since he once recorded a song called Honk If You Honky Tonk - we're not especially keen to, either.
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George Michael Gets To Play Wembley Before Anyone Else

by Stuart Heritage

Admit it – the construction of the new Wembley Stadium has taken so long that you figured the first act to play there would be some giant genetically-mutated spider monkeys celebrating their violent colonisation of the Earth in the year nine billion AD.

But tough shit if that’s what you thought – the real truth is far, far more terrifying. Instead of the spider monkey thing, the first act to play the new Wembley Stadium has been announced, and it’s George Michael. Now, we’re fully aware that George Michael seeing in Wembley Stadium is both dreary and upsetting, but it makes good logistic sense – after all, Wembley is just a short drive from George Michael’s house. Well, a short drive, three different unconscious slumping pit-stops and a time-out to wank off a man in a shrub, but who’s counting?

Admit it - the construction of the new Wembley Stadium has taken so long that you figured the first act to play there would be some giant genetically-mutated spider monkeys celebrating their violent colonisation of the Earth in the year nine billion AD. But tough shit if that's what you thought - the real truth is far, far more terrifying. Instead of the spider monkey thing, the first act to play the new Wembley Stadium has been announced, and it's George Michael. Now, we're fully aware that George Michael seeing in Wembley Stadium is both dreary and upsetting, but it makes good logistic sense - after all, Wembley is just a short drive from George Michael's house. Well, a short drive, three different unconscious slumping pit-stops and a time-out to wank off a man in a shrub, but who's counting?
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Michael Jackson: The Vegas Comeback. Maybe

by Matthew Laidlow

Michael Jackson has had a coloured past – this, we can all safely say, is true. In his long-winded career, Michael Jackson’s crazy antics has given him highs and lows. But mainly lows.

After a series of lawsuits over various issues, the state of Michael Jackson’s finances has never been under greater scrutiny. So what can a self-respecting formerly-successful music icon do to try and make people give a toss about him again? Easy – go and announce some comeback shows in tacky capital of the world, Las Vegas. Well, possibly.

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Kate Moss & Pete Doherty Booted Out Of NME Awards

by Stuart Heritage

There are many reasons to leave the annual NME music awards early – being able to physically see a Kook, for example, or realising that Lauren Laverne is slightly worse at hosting awards shows than some flour – but Kate Moss has her own reasons.

Namely, her dirty-looking tramp of a boyfriend. Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were asked to leave the Shockwaves NME Awards – like The Brits, but for bands your 14-year-old brother likes – early because Pete Doherty was waltzing around with a spoon and tried to have it off with Kate Moss in a toilet. Sadly, the early departure of Kate Moss and Pete Doherty from the NME awards meant that they were unable to see the electrifying climax to the NME awards – when the tubby tit from Kaiser Chiefs said that Muse were good in front of some of The View.

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Charlotte Church Pregnant Betting Odds: Baby Name A-Go-Go

by Stuart Heritage

You know us by now – when a big news story hits we instinctively think two things: 1) “what a massive twat” and 2) “can we do betting on this?” But hey, it’s not just big stories that make us think this, it’s also cripplingly mediocre ones.

Like, oooh, Charlotte Church getting pregnant. Again, you know what the score is here as well; Charlotte Church – the chainsmoking, permanently binge-drunk opera singer turned rubbish TV presenter – recently made everyone think that she’d fallen pregnant by celebrating her 21st birthday in a manner other than drinking her own weight in cheeky Vimtos and then vomiting into her cleavage on the taxi-ride home. And now it’s official – as we announced yesterday, Charlotte Church is pregnant.

So now that Charlotte Church is pregnant, our minds naturally fall to one thing – what the hell is Charlotte Church going to call her baby? Here are the – you guessed it – pregnant Charlotte Church baby name betting odds, with help from Paddy Power…

You know us by now - when a big news story hits we instinctively think two things: 1) "what a massive twat" and 2) "can we do betting on this?" But hey, it's not just big stories that make us think this, it's also cripplingly mediocre ones. Like, oooh, Charlotte Church getting pregnant. Again, you know what the score is here as well; Charlotte Church - the chainsmoking, permanently binge-drunk opera singer turned rubbish TV presenter - recently made everyone think that she'd fallen pregnant by celebrating her 21st birthday in a manner other than drinking her own weight in cheeky Vimtos and then vomiting into her cleavage on the taxi-ride home. And now it's official - as we announced yesterday, Charlotte Church is pregnant. So now that Charlotte Church is pregnant, our minds naturally fall to one thing - what the hell is Charlotte Church going to call her baby? Here are the - you guessed it - pregnant Charlotte Church baby name betting odds, with help from Paddy Power...
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Goon From The Darkness – Why I’m Doing Eurovision

by Matthew Laidlow

Yesterday, hecklerspray revealed this year’s hopeful acts for the Eurovision Song Contest. While most artists from the UK usually gun for a Brit or a Mercury Music prize, some acts don’t want national fame for their musical ability. Instead, they’d rather be laughed off the face of the planet.

One individual in particular didn’t need The Eurovision Song Contest for us to mock and scorn him. We did it when he fronted wanky-sounding band The Darkness. The only honour he had in the hecklerspray office was when we used a picture of his face to throw darts at. While the other no-hopers want to represent the UK in Eurovision for a quick career boost, Justin Hawkins had other reasons…

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