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Chris Moyles To Make X Factor Even Worse?

by C J Davies

We’re fully aware that ITV pleb-beacon The X Factor has a strangely captivating effect – much in the same way that the late Bill Hicks referred to his constant watching of Cops as being ‘like a guy with a sore tooth … I just can’t stop touching it.’

Well, kids… prepare yourselves for that mouth-achin’ to get more painful.

You’ll all probably be aware by now that chirpy little munchkin Louis Walsh has been fired from the next series of X Factor, as has instantly forgettable non-presenter Kate Thornton. So far, so irrelevant, you may think – until you hear who’s being mooted as the replacement.

It’s none other than that thing from Blade cheeky DJ chubster Chris Moyles.

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Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame: Now With Added Confused Old Folk

by Stuart Heritage

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a big deal – it’s one of the only places on earth where several old bands who haven’t really played or spoken for 20 years can go to a big room and awkwardly try not mention why they hate each other so much.

And this year’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was no different. Held in New York last night, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony featured a band that hardly bothered to turn up, a drummer with a brain aneruysm, a scary old lady, a group of women who pointedly neglected to mention the man who invented them because he might have shot a woman in the face and – best of all – Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, who somehow managed to get through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony without looking like a rag-tag gaggle of embarrassing Dads and/or the scary homeless woman who plays with herself outside Argos.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a big deal - it's one of the only places on earth where several old bands who haven't really played or spoken for 20 years can go to a big room and awkwardly try not mention why they hate each other so much. And this year's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was no different. Held in New York last night, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony featured a band that hardly bothered to turn up, a drummer with a brain aneruysm, a scary old lady, a group of women who pointedly neglected to mention the man who invented them because he might have shot a woman in the face and - best of all - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, who somehow managed to get through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony without looking like a rag-tag gaggle of embarrassing Dads and/or the scary homeless woman who plays with herself outside Argos.
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Gordon Brown To Face Tough Questioning … By 10-Year-Olds

by C J Davies

Want to know what really annoys hecklerspray?

Constant banter about ‘what young people think’, that’s what. Global warming – ‘what do young people think?’. Imminent thermonuclear warfare – ‘what do young people think?’. Insane religious fundamentalists threatening our lives – ‘what do young people think?’.

Bollocks to young people. Who cares what they think? Y’know, there’s a reason that we send ‘young people’ to school for the best part of 16 years: it’s because they don’t have a clue about anything. Think about it… who would you rather have participating in a debate on the Middle East peace process? A panel of 60-year-old Oxford professors or the cast of Skins?

Not that our opinion is widely shared or anything. Certainly not with those politician-types in the government. And certainly not with PM-in-waiting Gordon Brown.

Want to know what really annoys hecklerspray? Constant banter about 'what young people think', that's what. Global warming - 'what do young people think?'. Imminent thermonuclear warfare - 'what do young people think?'. Insane religious fundamentalists threatening our lives - 'what do young people think?'. Bollocks to young people. Who cares what they think? Y'know, there's a reason that we send 'young people' to school for the best part of 16 years: it's because they don't have a clue about anything. Think about it... who would you rather have participating in a debate on the Middle East peace process? A panel of 60-year-old Oxford professors or the cast of Skins? Not that our opinion is widely shared or anything. Certainly not with those politician-types in the government. And certainly not with PM-in-waiting Gordon Brown.
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300 Roars & Stabs Head Off The Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

From a purely scientific point of view, 300 is a film that has something for everyone – provided that everyone enjoys endless scenes of grubby men shouting and murdering each other in bloodthirsty ways, of course, and we all know that everybody does.

It’s this sense of mass family appeal that has pushed 300 to the top of the weekend box office with a gigantic total of $70 million. 300 – a movie about 300 Spartan going on a lovely picnic in Persia and then having a bit of a swim before going home for pink wafers and fizzy pop – has already gained the highest opening weekend box office gross of the year, setting the wheels in motion for a 300 sequel called 301, where Julia Roberts joins warrior king Leonidas in an effort to steal even more money from Andy Garcia in another ingenious casino heist.

From a purely scientific point of view, 300 is a film that has something for everyone - provided that everyone enjoys endless scenes of grubby men shouting and murdering each other in bloodthirsty ways, of course, and we all know that everybody does. It's this sense of mass family appeal that has pushed 300 to the top of the weekend box office with a gigantic total of $70 million. 300 - a movie about 300 Spartan going on a lovely picnic in Persia and then having a bit of a swim before going home for pink wafers and fizzy pop - has already gained the highest opening weekend box office gross of the year, setting the wheels in motion for a 300 sequel called 301, where Julia Roberts joins warrior king Leonidas in an effort to steal even more money from Andy Garcia in another ingenious casino heist.
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Ga-Ga-Ga Gareth Gates Announces Another Comeback

by Matthew Laidlow

Pop Idol, X Factor, Popstars The Rivals and Fame Academy have produced some talent over the years that has left us all scratching our heads in bemusement.

Before these competitions plagued our screens, we often thought that what the TV told us to buy was decent. But when we realised all these shows were just karaoke cover competitions we quickly lost faith and all hope. Over the years we’ve had many failed singers come through the Pop Idol ranks, so many that we can’t remember most of them. Probably because they’re all so shit. Such failed pop stars include massive porkers Rick Waller and Michelle McManus, One True Voice, Darius and er… that’s all we can remember. Except for Gareth Gates – the Pop Idol runner-up who refuses to go away.

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Eddie Van Halen Widdles Off To Rehab

by Stuart Heritage

2007 was meant to be Van Halen’s year. There was going to be a huge Van Halen reunion, a huge Van Halen induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and a huge Van Halen stadium tour where the band just played the intro to Jump for two hours.

And then Eddie Van Halen decided he was too wankered to do any of that malarkey and ran off to rehab instead. Eddie Van Halen’s rehab jaunt has put the final nail in the idea of any Van Halen reunion shows happening any time soon, and the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction will just be attended by Van Halen’s bassist and least-famous singer. So Eddie Van Halen’s rehab decision is pretty much a disaster, but thanks to news being the way it is it’s only the 17th-biggest rehab disaster of the week. The other 16 all belong to Britney Spears, naturally.

2007 was meant to be Van Halen's year. There was going to be a huge Van Halen reunion, a huge Van Halen induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and a huge Van Halen stadium tour where the band just played the intro to Jump for two hours. And then Eddie Van Halen decided he was too wankered to do any of that malarkey and ran off to rehab instead. Eddie Van Halen's rehab jaunt has put the final nail in the idea of any Van Halen reunion shows happening any time soon, and the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction will just be attended by Van Halen's bassist and least-famous singer. So Eddie Van Halen's rehab decision is pretty much a disaster, but thanks to news being the way it is it's only the 17th-biggest rehab disaster of the week. The other 16 all belong to Britney Spears, naturally.
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Genesis Reunion: Now No Longer Just To Annoy Europeans

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a scientifically-proven fact that every broken-up band in the world will reunite this year. Highlights will include The Police, Crowded House and Paul McCartney And The Half-Zombie Beatle Allstars – but one non-highlight will be the Genesis reunion.

Phil Collins and Genesis were amongst the first charge of tatty old money-grabbing bands who realised they could coin it in by playing the hits in some European sports arenas for a couple of months. Although the last few months have seen bigger bands reform to greater acclaim, the idea of watching Phil Collins pound out a 16-hour drum solo in the middle of an interminable I Can’t Dance/ You’re No Son Of Mine medley still wakes us up screaming in the middle of the night. And Americans have no reason to be smug about it any more either – because Phil Collins has announced that the Genesis reunion is hitting the US too

It's a scientifically-proven fact that every broken-up band in the world will reunite this year. Highlights will include The Police, Crowded House and Paul McCartney And The Half-Zombie Beatle Allstars - but one non-highlight will be the Genesis reunion. Phil Collins and Genesis were amongst the first charge of tatty old money-grabbing bands who realised they could coin it in by playing the hits in some European sports arenas for a couple of months. Although the last few months have seen bigger bands reform to greater acclaim, the idea of watching Phil Collins pound out a 16-hour drum solo in the middle of an interminable I Can't Dance/ You're No Son Of Mine medley still wakes us up screaming in the middle of the night. And Americans have no reason to be smug about it any more either - because Phil Collins has announced that the Genesis reunion is hitting the US too
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Timbaland Wants To Save Britney Spears With Blippy Music

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone’s been so busy watching Britney Spears slowly unspool over the last few weeks that one question seems to have been lost in all the hubbub: just who the hell is ever going to want to buy a piece of music by Britney Spears ever again?

Even if Britney Spears lets her hair grow back, calms down a bit and stops telling people that she thinks she’s the devil, she’s got a long way to go to restore her reputation in the eyes of her once-adoring fans. But super producer Timbaland seems to think he’s the man to save Britney Spears – and he could be right. After all, we’ve lost count of the number of bald young women with suicidal tendencies that have been rescued by being made to sing Nelly Furtado cast-offs.

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Captain America Dead, Magic Shield Goes Unclaimed

by Shawn Lindseth

Captain America, better known as Corporal England in the UK and First Lieutenant Botswana in some African country that we think starts with like an ‘F’, is dead.

Captain America was trying his best to get a cat out of a tree when a muscle spasm caused him to twitch into a particularly inhabited hornet’s nest. That’s not where he died though. The hornets chased him onto a construction site where another muscle spasm caused him to fix himself to the wall with a loose-triggered nail gun.

That’s not how he died though. He lasted there through the winter, but when the spring thaw came several winged creatures melted back to life in a cave, they flew out and found the good Captain in a very hungry but attractive state. That’s not how he died though. The monsters made him pregnant, and upon child birth he couldn’t dilate all-the-way because he’s a man.

A few days later he died in a hospital bed with several pieces of drywall still stuck to his forearm and thighs, and stitches in secret places. And that, we have on good authority, is how Captain America died. Or he got shot by a malicious sniper, we’ve never been good at reading speech bubbles.

Captain America, better known as Corporal England in the UK and First Lieutenant Botswana in some African country that we think starts with like an 'F', is dead. Captain America was trying his best to get a cat out of a tree when a muscle spasm caused him to twitch into a particularly inhabited hornet's nest. That's not where he died though. The hornets chased him onto a construction site where another muscle spasm caused him to fix himself to the wall with a loose-triggered nail gun. That's not how he died though. He lasted there through the winter, but when the spring thaw came several winged creatures melted back to life in a cave, they flew out and found the good Captain in a very hungry but attractive state. That's not how he died though. The monsters made him pregnant, and upon child birth he couldn't dilate all-the-way because he's a man. A few days later he died in a hospital bed with several pieces of drywall still stuck to his forearm and thighs, and stitches in secret places. And that, we have on good authority, is how Captain America died. Or he got shot by a malicious sniper, we've never been good at reading speech bubbles.
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MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour: See Bands & Win Prizes

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since as long as we can remember – OK, since the middle of last June – we’ve used our MySpace Trawl feature to crack open a band with a MySpace profile and write about what we find; but what if you wrote about some MySpace bands, and won stuff for it?

Well guess what? Now you can – to some extent – by going to see a show on the MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour. The MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour is made up of big indie breakthrough band Pull Tiger Tail, ketamine funk fiend Ali Love, 13,000-friended Hadouken! and I Say Marvin, who are Cornish – and it’s set to start bombing around the country from this weekend. The MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour is good and you should go.

And if you do go to see the MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour, you have the chance to write your own reviews of the shows and win a bunch of goodies. We’d tell you more about the MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour – and give you the tour dates – but it’d be much easier if you just visited the Live In The UK MySpace page and sodding well did it yourselves.

Ever since as long as we can remember - OK, since the middle of last June - we've used our MySpace Trawl feature to crack open a band with a MySpace profile and write about what we find; but what if you wrote about some MySpace bands, and won stuff for it? Well guess what? Now you can - to some extent - by going to see a show on the MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour. The MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour is made up of big indie breakthrough band Pull Tiger Tail, ketamine funk fiend Ali Love, 13,000-friended Hadouken! and I Say Marvin, who are Cornish - and it's set to start bombing around the country from this weekend. The MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour is good and you should go. And if you do go to see the MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour, you have the chance to write your own reviews of the shows and win a bunch of goodies. We'd tell you more about the MySpace Bleep Bleep Tour - and give you the tour dates - but it'd be much easier if you just visited the Live In The UK MySpace page and sodding well did it yourselves.
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