From the category archives:

News

300 Still Kicking The Weekend Box Office Down A Well

by Stuart Heritage

300 – the movie where the Phantom Of The Opera grows a beard, gets unusually angry and starts kicking black men into pieces on some sort of bizarre whim – is the still the movie that everyone wants to see, as the weekend box office is showing.

Although getting nowhere near last weekend’s $70 million weekend box office tally, 300 still managed to beat everyone else around to remain at the top of the weekend box office and further cement 300 star Gerard Butler’s reputation as the figurehead for a new generation of right-wing, horribly violent action movies. That means he’ll have 16 years of fame before making his Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, and then another 16 years in the wilderness before he stages a triumphant return to fame with a movie called Leonidas Balboa, only to get arrested for taking human growth hormone to Australia a couple of months later. So it has been spoken.

300 - the movie where the Phantom Of The Opera grows a beard, gets unusually angry and starts kicking black men into pieces on some sort of bizarre whim - is the still the movie that everyone wants to see, as the weekend box office is showing. Although getting nowhere near last weekend's $70 million weekend box office tally, 300 still managed to beat everyone else around to remain at the top of the weekend box office and further cement 300 star Gerard Butler's reputation as the figurehead for a new generation of right-wing, horribly violent action movies. That means he'll have 16 years of fame before making his Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, and then another 16 years in the wilderness before he stages a triumphant return to fame with a movie called Leonidas Balboa, only to get arrested for taking human growth hormone to Australia a couple of months later. So it has been spoken.
0 comments Read more >>>

Hermione Sacks Off Harry Potter

by Stuart Heritage

Several events occur each time a Harry Potter movie is released, but it looks like it’s time to wave goodbye to our favourite – creepy tabloid newspapers counting down the days until the Hermione Granger actress is old enough to have sex with you.

That’s because Emma Watson – the girl who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies – has decided that she’s fed up with being known as That Girl From Harry Potter and is apparently refusing to sign a contract to star in the final two Harry Potter movies. And quite right too – let’s give full credit to Emma Watson for not wanting to be known as That Girl From Harry Potter when she could go all-out and be known forever as That Idiot Who Turned Down £4 Million To Be In Two Harry Potter Films Even Though People Will Still Call Her That Girl From Harry Potter Until The Day She Dies Regardless instead.

Several events occur each time a Harry Potter movie is released, but it looks like it's time to wave goodbye to our favourite - creepy tabloid newspapers counting down the days until the Hermione Granger actress is old enough to have sex with you. That's because Emma Watson - the girl who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies - has decided that she's fed up with being known as That Girl From Harry Potter and is apparently refusing to sign a contract to star in the final two Harry Potter movies. And quite right too - let's give full credit to Emma Watson for not wanting to be known as That Girl From Harry Potter when she could go all-out and be known forever as That Idiot Who Turned Down £4 Million To Be In Two Harry Potter Films Even Though People Will Still Call Her That Girl From Harry Potter Until The Day She Dies Regardless instead.
23 comments Read more >>>

Scooch Somehow Goes To Eurovision

by Stuart Heritage

Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up is ostensibly the competition to find the UK’s Eurovision Song Contest entry, although this year the BBC appeared to make a mistake and accidentally broadcast The Most Tiresome Ironic Hasbeen Competition instead.

All sorts of people that you hadn’t thought about for years decided they wanted to represent Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest this year – someone who used to be in The Darkness, someone who used to be in Atomic Kitten, someone who used to be in East 17, Big Brovaz and some French girl with a case of Celine Dion delusion – but in the end the winner of Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up was Scooch, a failed sub-Steps band from the turn of the century who won the public over with a charming mix of xenophobia and homosexual blowjob jokes called Flying The Flag. God bless Scooch and God bless Eurovision!

Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up is ostensibly the competition to find the UK's Eurovision Song Contest entry, although this year the BBC appeared to make a mistake and accidentally broadcast The Most Tiresome Ironic Hasbeen Competition instead. All sorts of people that you hadn't thought about for years decided they wanted to represent Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest this year - someone who used to be in The Darkness, someone who used to be in Atomic Kitten, someone who used to be in East 17, Big Brovaz and some French girl with a case of Celine Dion delusion - but in the end the winner of Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up was Scooch, a failed sub-Steps band from the turn of the century who won the public over with a charming mix of xenophobia and homosexual blowjob jokes called Flying The Flag. God bless Scooch and God bless Eurovision!
11 comments Read more >>>

Tobago: Let’s Ban Gay Elton John

by Stuart Heritage

Like most people with a Napoleon complex, hecklerspray has often fantasised about violently colonising our own country; one of the laws of this new country would be to ban Elton John, and we’re not alone – Tobago wants Elton John banned, too.

However, while we’d ban Elton John because he’s a bit of a twit, Tobago wants to ban Elton John because he’s gay. Although Elton John is due to play a festival in Tobago in April, angry islanders are calling for his performance to be banned, lest Elton John’s inherent gayness suddenly turn all the men in Tobago into a roaming herd of predatory gay men. Perhaps nobody in Tobago has ever seen a picture of Elton John, because – in our experience – the sight of an angry, tubby, bespectacled, gap-toothed, 60-year-old in a ginger wig is usually enough to turn gay men straight.

Like most people with a Napoleon complex, hecklerspray has often fantasised about violently colonising our own country; one of the laws of this new country would be to ban Elton John, and we're not alone - Tobago wants Elton John banned, too. However, while we'd ban Elton John because he's a bit of a twit, Tobago wants to ban Elton John because he's gay. Although Elton John is due to play a festival in Tobago in April, angry islanders are calling for his performance to be banned, lest Elton John's inherent gayness suddenly turn all the men in Tobago into a roaming herd of predatory gay men. Perhaps nobody in Tobago has ever seen a picture of Elton John, because - in our experience - the sight of an angry, tubby, bespectacled, gap-toothed, 60-year-old in a ginger wig is usually enough to turn gay men straight.
5 comments Read more >>>

Simon Cowell In Smug Bruce Springsteen Shock

by Stuart Heritage

Simon Cowell is bigger than Bruce Springsteen. That’s not just lazy opinion – that’s straight to the bone scientific fact direct from the mouth of Simon Cowell himself, and Simon Cowell knows more about Simon Cowell than you, so it must be true.

Sure, Bruce Springsteen signed a record deal for around $100 million, but Simon Cowell thinks that – as he’s bigger than Bruce Springsteen – someone should be paying him $500 million. That’s the claim that Simon Cowell made during an interview with 60 Minutes to be broadcast on Sunday, anyway. And who’s to say Simon Cowell doesn’t deserve $500 million? In fact, we’d happily give Simon Cowell all our earnings past, present and future, plus everything contained within our parents’ will and first go on our wife if we ever decide to get married – so long as Simon Cowell agreed to never let Il Divo anywhere near another effing microphone so long as they live. Fair swap, we think.

Simon Cowell is bigger than Bruce Springsteen. That's not just lazy opinion - that's straight to the bone scientific fact direct from the mouth of Simon Cowell himself, and Simon Cowell knows more about Simon Cowell than you, so it must be true. Sure, Bruce Springsteen signed a record deal for around $100 million, but Simon Cowell thinks that - as he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen - someone should be paying him $500 million. That's the claim that Simon Cowell made during an interview with 60 Minutes to be broadcast on Sunday, anyway. And who's to say Simon Cowell doesn't deserve $500 million? In fact, we'd happily give Simon Cowell all our earnings past, present and future, plus everything contained within our parents' will and first go on our wife if we ever decide to get married - so long as Simon Cowell agreed to never let Il Divo anywhere near another effing microphone so long as they live. Fair swap, we think.
5 comments Read more >>>

Free Cinematic Orchestra To Build A Home Download!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been far too long since we’ve heard anything from The Cinematic Orchestra. Almost five years have passed since the last Cinematic Orchestra album – the blissful, ethereal Every Day – came out, so you can understand our anticipation for any new stuff.

And here comes the new stuff. Out of nowhere comes news that a new album by The Cinematic Orchestra – entitled Ma Fleur – is just weeks away from release, which would normally be enough to send us into frenzy of salivation. But if that wasn’t enough, the gods have gifted us all a free taster of the new Cinematic Orchestra album in the form of a download. According to people who know these things, the download – Ma Fleur opener To Build A Home – is “a sparse and achingly beautiful piece of music”. And who are we to argue with that?

Download To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra now

It's been far too long since we've heard anything from The Cinematic Orchestra. Almost five years have passed since the last Cinematic Orchestra album - the blissful, ethereal Every Day - came out, so you can understand our anticipation for any new stuff. And here comes the new stuff. Out of nowhere comes news that a new album by The Cinematic Orchestra - entitled Ma Fleur - is just weeks away from release, which would normally be enough to send us into frenzy of salivation. But if that wasn't enough, the gods have gifted us all a free taster of the new Cinematic Orchestra album in the form of a download. According to people who know these things, the download - Ma Fleur opener To Build A Home - is "a sparse and achingly beautiful piece of music". And who are we to argue with that? Download To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra now
0 comments Read more >>>

Joss Stone Thanks Everybody In The World

by C J Davies

We’re big fans of Joss Stone here at hecklerspray.

In fact, we’d even go so far as to say that – in terms of yodelling Crystal Tipps-lookalikes who make fools of themselves at awards ceremonies and occasionally release records that we couldn’t even name – Joss Stone is, like, the best by a million billion miles.

Want to know something else about young Joss? She’s the grateful type – and we don’t mean that in the same way as those scary 45-year-old women you see hanging around Wetherspoons every Friday night. No, we mean that’s she’s so bloody thankful to everyone who’s ever helped her that she couldn’t even fit all their names on her new album sleeve.

So she put a dedication to ‘em all online.

A 7,000-word dedication.

0 comments Read more >>>

Heather Mills’ Life Now Exclusively All About Dancing & Pigs

by Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills might be embroiled in a bitter stabby divorce with millionaire Beatle Paul McCartney, but not even that can stop Heather Mills from yammering on about her two biggest loves – dancing for cash and pointing at pigs in crates.

Heather Mills has a lot to talk about at the moment, and there’s a lot we want Heather Mills to talk about – so it’s a shame that the two don’t really overlap at any point. While the majority of the public wants Heather Mills to talk about whether Paul McCartney really did go mental and stab her in the arm with a wineglass before claiming ownership of her breasts or not, Heather Mills seems content to a) carp on about all the spare legs she’ll need for Dancing With The Stars and b) make farmers angry by breaking into their property and pointing at a pig in a crate.

Heather Mills might be embroiled in a bitter stabby divorce with millionaire Beatle Paul McCartney, but not even that can stop Heather Mills from yammering on about her two biggest loves - dancing for cash and pointing at pigs in crates. Heather Mills has a lot to talk about at the moment, and there's a lot we want Heather Mills to talk about - so it's a shame that the two don't really overlap at any point. While the majority of the public wants Heather Mills to talk about whether Paul McCartney really did go mental and stab her in the arm with a wineglass before claiming ownership of her breasts or not, Heather Mills seems content to a) carp on about all the spare legs she'll need for Dancing With The Stars and b) make farmers angry by breaking into their property and pointing at a pig in a crate.
2 comments Read more >>>

Blue Peter Cheats Kiddies in Phone Scandal Kerfuffle

by Stuart Heritage

In its 49 year history, there have only ever been two scandals to hit Blue Peter – once when Valerie Singleton showed her ankle and once when the phrase “red-hot titwank” was accidentally used to introduce a regional trampoline display team in 1984.

But now the biggest scandal of them all has hit Blue Peter – Blue Peter has become caught up in all this cheaty rip-off premium rate phonecall malarkey after it was revealed that a “technical failure” in the Blue Peter phone system meant that a girl who was visiting the Blue Peter studios had to pretend to be a telephone competition winner, effectively conning everyone who called in out of a prize. Blue Peter has now apologised unequivocally for this phonecall balls-up, and the BBC is preparing to dole out the harshest punishment available – making Blue Peter take its summer expedition in Dungeness this year.

In its 49 year history, there have only ever been two scandals to hit Blue Peter - once when Valerie Singleton showed her ankle and once when the phrase "red-hot titwank" was accidentally used to introduce a regional trampoline display team in 1984. But now the biggest scandal of them all has hit Blue Peter - Blue Peter has become caught up in all this cheaty rip-off premium rate phonecall malarkey after it was revealed that a "technical failure" in the Blue Peter phone system meant that a girl who was visiting the Blue Peter studios had to pretend to be a telephone competition winner, effectively conning everyone who called in out of a prize. Blue Peter has now apologised unequivocally for this phonecall balls-up, and the BBC is preparing to dole out the harshest punishment available - making Blue Peter take its summer expedition in Dungeness this year.
1 comment Read more >>>

What’s The Deal With Tila Tequila?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s not so difficult being big on the internet – all you need is to wiggle your boobs around and look vaguely available to nerds. Abi Titmuss has done it, Paris Hilton has done it and now Tila Tequila is doing it all over the place with her MySpace page.

For the uninitiated, Tila Tequila Nguyen is a sweary little Asian American model in a bra who shouts “Love me!” a lot and sings songs while sort of writhing around a chair a bit. This alone has made Tila Tequila the most popular person on the whole of MySpace – and now Tila Tequila is trying to break into the music business too. Only being the feisty little rebel she is, Tila Tequila is doing it completely by herself. Completely. Except for the bit where she got giant global production company Endemol to help her out. And the bit where she got represented by the talent agency in charge of Harrison Ford and Johnny Depp. And the bit where she’s included on the roster of the Universal Music Group’s MySpace page. Those aside, Tila Tequila is doing this completely by herself.

It's not so difficult being big on the internet - all you need is to wiggle your boobs around and look vaguely available to nerds. Abi Titmuss has done it, Paris Hilton has done it and now Tila Tequila is doing it all over the place with her MySpace page. For the uninitiated, Tila Tequila Nguyen is a sweary little Asian American model in a bra who shouts "Love me!" a lot and sings songs while sort of writhing around a chair a bit. This alone has made Tila Tequila the most popular person on the whole of MySpace - and now Tila Tequila is trying to break into the music business too. Only being the feisty little rebel she is, Tila Tequila is doing it completely by herself. Completely. Except for the bit where she got giant global production company Endemol to help her out. And the bit where she got represented by the talent agency in charge of Harrison Ford and Johnny Depp. And the bit where she's included on the roster of the Universal Music Group's MySpace page. Those aside, Tila Tequila is doing this completely by herself.
29 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →