Forget rescuing babies from burning orphanages, or performing microsurgery on someone's brain. Who, really, can say they spend all day grafting hard by wearing clothes and looking a bit moody. Why the government hasn't started a 'Models Of Bravery' award ceremony yet is beyond us.

Actually, despite their fabulous lifestyles and enormous bank balances, models - on the whole - do tend share the same complex: "Is this all I'm good at?"

Want to hear something scary? The first Mr. Bean movie grossed £123 million pounds at the box office. The television series - brainchild of Richard Curtis, writer and director of Love, Actually and therefore punishable only by slapping - is now one of the most widely viewed across the globe.

Which means that - along with Marmite, drizzle and mass-produced commemorative plates featuring special bestest-lady-who-ever-lived Princess Diana - this fair sceptred isle is probably best known worldwide for the bumbling misadventures of a hopeless gurning twat. No, not Prince Charles. We mean Mr Bean, fools.

As the late Saint Bill Hicks once remarked on a visit to England, 'isn't this the same country where George Bernard Shaw used to jot things down?'

Surely we can do better than this? Surely?

Well ... no. We can't. Because gurnmeister-general himself Rowan Atkinson has announced his intention to sign on the dotted line for upcoming horrorshow Mr Bean 2.

Nine am on Sunday 3rd April 2005. 

It’s been, it’s gone. After the - now traditional - agony of ringing and ringing and getting angry and kicking your dog, some of you will now be the proud owners of two (count ‘em) tickets to the Glastonbury Festival of Contemporary Performing Arts 2005. 

But was it worth the effort? Hecklerspray investigates…

Having survived explosions, car chases and some really bad films, he was brought down to size by... a duck.

Every now and again, a celebrity becomes entirely ubiquitous for a while. They are in every newspaper you read and on every TV show until even the mention of their name causes everyone in a 15-mile radius to shit and puke at the same time.

Lately, it's been the turn of fairybrained warbler Mariah Carey. She has an album out soon, so that's her excuse for being forcefed into our eyes and brains. And hecklerspray is sick of it.

Creosote haired Ana Matronic is to take a break from co-fronting the Scissor Sisters with Jake Shears until the end of the year. 

This will hopefully give us all ample to time to figure out exactly what it is she does, besides from being inaudible over Shears' spastic wailing of course.

Matronic is planning to spend more time with her husband Seth (as in Amos and Land Rover Defenders), to promote

Oasis are reportedly furious that their new single has been leaked online.

If they had functioning ears, they'd have been more angry about releasing such a lot of tripe.

Here at hecklerspray, we don't have a motto. But if we did, it'd be "Your heroes always let you down". Well, either that or "That rash won't clear up if you keep touching it", although that one's a bit less relevant.

Anyway, heroes letting you down. Where to start? Johnny Rotten mincing about in the woods? David Bowie's career since 1980? Pele doing those erectile dysfunction adverts?