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News

Elton John vrs Madonna: Still Bickering Like Massive Bitches

by Matthew Laidlow

Modern society, we’re so advanced aren’t we? With our two-in-one shampoo and conditioner and trendy high street café’s selling luxury iced coffee! Really, we’ve never had it so good. But all of this pampering has left us soft as a nation. Back in the days of the Vikings and Romans, heated disputes were usually sorted [...]

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Matthew Broderick’s Greatest Moment in 20 Years? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

by Si Sharp

Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career. We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up [...]

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Soap Spoilers! Pinching! Death! Planning Permission!

by Joanna Bolouri

Hello readers. Have a good week? If our frighteningly accurate hecklerscopes are correct, then most of you are either dead or feeling a very real sense of shame and self loathing. Either is fine with us. For those of you still here, let’s look at what’s going to happen in Soapland this week. Yep, you [...]

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Only Fools & Horses Set for American Remake Which Puts Other Menial World Events Into Stark Perspective

by Sophie Hall

A year from now… No. Sorry, no. We don’t do that. We’re not a TV supplement. (We wish!) (No, not really.) (We mean, Christ, can you imagine?) (Shut up.) So, basically Only Fools and Horses, inherently British, pukka, CUSHTY Only Fools & Horses has just been commissioned for a US Pilot! Well, we all saw [...]

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Ex-TOWIE Star Harry Derbidge Wins “Idiots’ Idiot” Award

by Michael Park

There isn’t much to be said about Harry Derbidge that hasn’t already been said. By that we mean that there is very little to say about Harry Derbidge aside from the fact that he appears to have an IQ comparable to that of a brain-damaged heron. In fact, up until today we hadn’t actually heard [...]

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Drake Proves That Even Celebrities Have Unattainable Goals

by Michael Park

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams. Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in [...]

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Sinead O’Connor Is Back With Her Husband. Again.

by Sophie Hall

Good news! After a month of torrential rain, uncharted deceit to our own promises to ourselves, the big N-Dubz split, and the bit in the Lana Del Ray SNL performance where she momentarily went through male puberty, January is finally ending – and on a high. Sinead O Connor’s back with her lovely hub! Hurrah! Righto [...]

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Dr. Conrad Murray Wants An Electronic Tag & A Get Out Of Jail Free Card

by Matthew Laidlow

When you’re in a position of note, it’s easy to get carried away and become an egotistical crack-shack. One need only look at Sting’s self-satisfied fizzog to see exactly what we mean. Not everybody has it so easy once they’ve been elevated to a “status” – especially one they might not want. Who are we [...]

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The Big Breakfast Is Coming Back! For The Olympics?!

by Robin Darke

Any child of the nineties will remember not wanting to go to school. Not because the education system was as messed up as Chloe Sims’ face, or because of the taunts of  the three stripe-clad knuckle-draggers who marked themselves as the school’s social elite. It was because they wanted nothing more than to watch The [...]

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George Clooney Desperately Jonesing For Olympic Freebies In Interviews

by Mof Gimmers

The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay. We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. [...]

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