News
This Just In: Levi Johnston’s Penis Obscured By Foliage
Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston's penis for protruding veins. Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn't going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he'd whap his willy around at some point - but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we're sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout. Obviously by 'sad to report' we mean 'sad that our lives have reached a point where we're expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not', but you get the point.
Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston's penis for protruding veins. Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn't going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he'd whap his willy around at some point - but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we're sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout. Obviously by 'sad to report' we mean 'sad that our lives have reached a point where we're expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not', but you get the point.
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Design Jewellery Because, Oh, God Knows
Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That's brilliant! We've got some wonderful news for you - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that's about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai. Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she'll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That's right, Jennifer! That'll show her!
Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That's brilliant! We've got some wonderful news for you - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that's about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai. Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she'll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That's right, Jennifer! That'll show her!
New Moon Premiere: Taylor Lautner Wears A Shirt For Once
It's just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What's it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously. But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch - nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they've downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too. Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don't have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all's not lost - we've got the next best thing.
It's just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What's it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously. But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch - nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they've downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too. Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don't have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all's not lost - we've got the next best thing.
Michael Jackson: Janet Jackson Blames It On The Doctor
It's been close to half a year, but the question still remains: what killed Michael Jackson? Was it drugs? Was it stress? Was it drugs? Was it financial strain? Or drugs? Drugs? Was it that giant dose of medical-grade anaesthetic he was given right before he died? Could that have anything to do with Michael Jackson's death? Anyone? In the end, though, it doesn't matter what we think. But it does matter what Janet Jackson thinks, because a) Michael Jackson was her brother and b) she's got a greatest hits album out that she needs to plug. And Janet Jackson is pointing the finger squarely at Michael Jackson's doctor.
It's been close to half a year, but the question still remains: what killed Michael Jackson? Was it drugs? Was it stress? Was it drugs? Was it financial strain? Or drugs? Drugs? Was it that giant dose of medical-grade anaesthetic he was given right before he died? Could that have anything to do with Michael Jackson's death? Anyone? In the end, though, it doesn't matter what we think. But it does matter what Janet Jackson thinks, because a) Michael Jackson was her brother and b) she's got a greatest hits album out that she needs to plug. And Janet Jackson is pointing the finger squarely at Michael Jackson's doctor.
Awesome or Off-Putting: Cop Sees Aliens In Fresh Crop Circle
Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. When it comes to aliens there are generally three kinds - the fuzzy ones that eat cats and thrive on prime-time TV, there's the kind with the broom-helmets that occasionally show up to thwart Bugs Bunny, and there's the super hot ones to which all of mankind happily hands over their planet. Like on V. Add to that all inclusive list, if you will, the Nordics. Like the ones an off-duty police officer just reported encountering.
Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. When it comes to aliens there are generally three kinds - the fuzzy ones that eat cats and thrive on prime-time TV, there's the kind with the broom-helmets that occasionally show up to thwart Bugs Bunny, and there's the super hot ones to which all of mankind happily hands over their planet. Like on V. Add to that all inclusive list, if you will, the Nordics. Like the ones an off-duty police officer just reported encountering.
2012 Pummels Weekend Box Office Into A Twisted Mess
2012 is the top movie at the weekend box office. And you don't have to be a genius to work out why. Two hours of John Cusack almost being smashed to death by falling rocks? Who wouldn't want to pay good money to see that! Oh, we're just kidding - 2012 is top of the weekend box office because it deals with the growing worry that the Mayan calendar was right and that the world will end in 2012. And it probably will. After all, the Mayans were right about men originally evolving from mud, weren't they? And about rain being a giant flying snake's dribble. Nice one Mayans, you dead idiots.
2012 is the top movie at the weekend box office. And you don't have to be a genius to work out why. Two hours of John Cusack almost being smashed to death by falling rocks? Who wouldn't want to pay good money to see that! Oh, we're just kidding - 2012 is top of the weekend box office because it deals with the growing worry that the Mayan calendar was right and that the world will end in 2012. And it probably will. After all, the Mayans were right about men originally evolving from mud, weren't they? And about rain being a giant flying snake's dribble. Nice one Mayans, you dead idiots.
Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: And The Tits Just Keep On Coming
The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking - it's just like a Hollywood movie. Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it's emerged that Carrie Prejean didn't simply make one sex tape - she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Maybe tomorrow we'll hear that Carrie Prejean isn't an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.
The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking - it's just like a Hollywood movie. Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it's emerged that Carrie Prejean didn't simply make one sex tape - she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Maybe tomorrow we'll hear that Carrie Prejean isn't an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.
Will There Be A New Twilight Book? Um…
With New Moon being released this week, there's only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga. And that's 'for the love of all that's holy, won't somebody make it stop?' Oh, and also 'now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?' That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn't. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway. So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You're welcome Twilight fans. You're welcome.
With New Moon being released this week, there's only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga. And that's 'for the love of all that's holy, won't somebody make it stop?' Oh, and also 'now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?' That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn't. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway. So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You're welcome Twilight fans. You're welcome.
