Music News
Whiney Houston’s Coming! Hide Your Crackpipe!
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
Is Adam Lambert The New Freddie Mercury? Probably Not, No
The American Idol final is gone. Gone but not forgotten. Following the victory of Kris Whateverhisnamewas, the shock is still palpable. But don't think that fallen American Idol loser Adam Lambert won't have the last laugh. Kris Allen may have won the battle, but Adam Lambert has won the war - Adam Lambert's going to be the new singer of Queen! Except he isn't. Brian May mumbled something about it recently, which means that Adam Lambert will probably end up being the fourth male lead in the pan-Siberian touring version of We Will Rock Rock You in about 15 years' time. Fact.
The American Idol final is gone. Gone but not forgotten. Following the victory of Kris Whateverhisnamewas, the shock is still palpable. But don't think that fallen American Idol loser Adam Lambert won't have the last laugh. Kris Allen may have won the battle, but Adam Lambert has won the war - Adam Lambert's going to be the new singer of Queen! Except he isn't. Brian May mumbled something about it recently, which means that Adam Lambert will probably end up being the fourth male lead in the pan-Siberian touring version of We Will Rock Rock You in about 15 years' time. Fact.
World’s Soul Screams Unending Cry Of Agony As Blink-182 Reform
God, why do you hate us so? If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog. We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles. And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.
God, why do you hate us so? If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog. We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles. And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.
Michael Jackson’s Comeback Might Not Happen After All
You read that right. Michael Jackson's London comeback could be in jeopardy already. But why? Has his nose fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's nose hasn't fallen off. Has his chin fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's chin hasn't fallen off. Has one of his eyebrows come loose? Look, Michael Jackson's comeback isn't in danger because parts of his anatomy keep dropping off, OK? There's another reason. Concentrate. Remember who we're talking about. He's been sued! Apparently Michael once signed a contract promising not to perform in public until 2010, and now it's returned to bite him on what remains of his arse.
You read that right. Michael Jackson's London comeback could be in jeopardy already. But why? Has his nose fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's nose hasn't fallen off. Has his chin fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's chin hasn't fallen off. Has one of his eyebrows come loose? Look, Michael Jackson's comeback isn't in danger because parts of his anatomy keep dropping off, OK? There's another reason. Concentrate. Remember who we're talking about. He's been sued! Apparently Michael once signed a contract promising not to perform in public until 2010, and now it's returned to bite him on what remains of his arse.
Beyonce Isn’t An Incredibly Terrible Singer, Says Beyonce
As we all know, Beyonce is a leading authority on jiggling her bottom around and shouting about how much she hates men. But apparently Beyonce also sings. It's news to us - we thought the music on that Single Ladies video was merely a backing accompaniment so that Beyonce could keep time while she attempted to repeatedly poke our eyes out with her pelvic floor. However, Beyonce's reputation as a singer has been sorely dented by a fake leaked soundboard feed, since it essentially makes her sound like the Star Trek theme tune played on a xylophone made out of cats.
As we all know, Beyonce is a leading authority on jiggling her bottom around and shouting about how much she hates men. But apparently Beyonce also sings. It's news to us - we thought the music on that Single Ladies video was merely a backing accompaniment so that Beyonce could keep time while she attempted to repeatedly poke our eyes out with her pelvic floor. However, Beyonce's reputation as a singer has been sorely dented by a fake leaked soundboard feed, since it essentially makes her sound like the Star Trek theme tune played on a xylophone made out of cats.
Morrissey All Boo Hoo With Meat Eaters At Coachella Festival
Hooray! It’s that time of year again where bands of all genres play to thousands of music lovers around the world. And, thanks to its eclectic line-up and decent weather, Coachella is becoming one of the biggest. Hosted in a Californian desert, people flock from all over America to attend. One of this year’s performers was Morrissey - a man so removed of happiness that a trip to a furniture shop, a stint watching paint dry and a visit to a cemetery bring more joy than an hour of his company. The much-publicised vegetarian got slightly pissy during his Friday slot as his nostrils sniffed the odour of burgers and other meaty delights. Of course he didn’t keep his opinions to himself.
Hooray! It’s that time of year again where bands of all genres play to thousands of music lovers around the world. And, thanks to its eclectic line-up and decent weather, Coachella is becoming one of the biggest. Hosted in a Californian desert, people flock from all over America to attend. One of this year’s performers was Morrissey - a man so removed of happiness that a trip to a furniture shop, a stint watching paint dry and a visit to a cemetery bring more joy than an hour of his company. The much-publicised vegetarian got slightly pissy during his Friday slot as his nostrils sniffed the odour of burgers and other meaty delights. Of course he didn’t keep his opinions to himself.
Coldplay Deny Stealing That Song That Sounds Exactly Like Theirs
Quickly - try to think of something more boring than a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay. You can't, can you? That's because legal disputes between Joe Satriani and Coldplay are the most boring things ever created. If you look up 'boring' in the dictionary, you won't see a picture of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay, because when the author thought about drawing an illustration of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay he became so overwhelmed with boredom that he shot himself. Anyway, Coldplay have denied stealing a Joe Satriani song. That was our point.
Quickly - try to think of something more boring than a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay. You can't, can you? That's because legal disputes between Joe Satriani and Coldplay are the most boring things ever created. If you look up 'boring' in the dictionary, you won't see a picture of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay, because when the author thought about drawing an illustration of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay he became so overwhelmed with boredom that he shot himself. Anyway, Coldplay have denied stealing a Joe Satriani song. That was our point.
The Beatles Reunite! Minus Two Members!
There’s nothing more we love then seeing a band reunite so they can relive former glories. Of course, it would be cynical of us to see it as a money making money opportunity, but what do we know? Perhaps in fifty years time, the current writing staff of hecklerspray will get together in a grotty boozer to relive the past. Plenty of bands such as Led Zeppelin, Take That and - despite no one wanting them - Crowded House have reformed for gigs and spanking new material. Now one of the world’s finest bands have come back together, just minus a couple of key band members.
There’s nothing more we love then seeing a band reunite so they can relive former glories. Of course, it would be cynical of us to see it as a money making money opportunity, but what do we know? Perhaps in fifty years time, the current writing staff of hecklerspray will get together in a grotty boozer to relive the past. Plenty of bands such as Led Zeppelin, Take That and - despite no one wanting them - Crowded House have reformed for gigs and spanking new material. Now one of the world’s finest bands have come back together, just minus a couple of key band members.
