Music News
Young Aryan Transsexual Makes Brave Life Choices For Mediocre Eurodisco
What would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software? You'd get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn't about him. This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.
What would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software? You'd get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn't about him. This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.
Blur Vs Oasis Again: If Foreman Was A Cockney & Ali Wore Sheepskin
Has Nick Leeson just been arrested for his part in the downfall of Barings bank? Has eBay just been founded? Has Rose West just been sentenced for the killing of 10 women and children? No, that’s because it’s not 1995 any more (sorry, mid-90s fans). But looking at some headlines you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s 1995, because the WAR between Oasis and Blur is back ON. Apparently.
Has Nick Leeson just been arrested for his part in the downfall of Barings bank? Has eBay just been founded? Has Rose West just been sentenced for the killing of 10 women and children? No, that’s because it’s not 1995 any more (sorry, mid-90s fans). But looking at some headlines you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s 1995, because the WAR between Oasis and Blur is back ON. Apparently.
It’s The Hecklerspray Glastonbury 2009 Preview!
Glastonbury Festival is imminent. You should know this because every single stinking update on Facebook is counting down to the non-event like some mud-clogged Doomsday Clock. People from all over the world are bracing themselves for a weekend of squinting into pixelated screens three miles from the stage, dodging hugs from Earth Mothers and ducking lobbed cups full of dog puke. Oh, and Status Quo are on.
Glastonbury Festival is imminent. You should know this because every single stinking update on Facebook is counting down to the non-event like some mud-clogged Doomsday Clock. People from all over the world are bracing themselves for a weekend of squinting into pixelated screens three miles from the stage, dodging hugs from Earth Mothers and ducking lobbed cups full of dog puke. Oh, and Status Quo are on.
Shakira Is A Wolf And SHE WILL EAT YOU
WARNING: Popular contortionist and nutbag yodeller Shakira has gone feral and may have killed no or more men. It's true. Last week, two eyewitness videos appeared on YouTube showing the diminutive singer grievously attacking two men in New York City. Now literally fives of YouTubers across the globe have posted similar videos, in which many of the attackers don't actually resemble Shakira in any way. We can only conclude that Shakira is a shapeshifter and that you, reader, may be in danger even as you read this.
WARNING: Popular contortionist and nutbag yodeller Shakira has gone feral and may have killed no or more men. It's true. Last week, two eyewitness videos appeared on YouTube showing the diminutive singer grievously attacking two men in New York City. Now literally fives of YouTubers across the globe have posted similar videos, in which many of the attackers don't actually resemble Shakira in any way. We can only conclude that Shakira is a shapeshifter and that you, reader, may be in danger even as you read this.
Kate Moss Does The World A Bit Of Good
Kate Moss is a model who has made her living by prancing up and down various catwalks in vile overpriced garments. She's also a world leader when it comes to helping musicians record their worst material. Pete Doherty, The Lemonheads, Primal Scream - at one point or another, they've all decided that what their sound really needs is a flatly disinterested Croydon mew droning out of the left speaker. Now that Kate Moss is with another rubbish indie frontman, That Tit From The Kills, she's inspired a whole new album of wrongness. But it's OK - she destroyed the only known recordings! Go Kate! You earned that Jaffa cake!
Kate Moss is a model who has made her living by prancing up and down various catwalks in vile overpriced garments. She's also a world leader when it comes to helping musicians record their worst material. Pete Doherty, The Lemonheads, Primal Scream - at one point or another, they've all decided that what their sound really needs is a flatly disinterested Croydon mew droning out of the left speaker. Now that Kate Moss is with another rubbish indie frontman, That Tit From The Kills, she's inspired a whole new album of wrongness. But it's OK - she destroyed the only known recordings! Go Kate! You earned that Jaffa cake!
Adam Lambert Releases Brand New, Four-Year-Old Debut Album
We're just the same as you. Since he won American Idol, we've been eagerly anticipating Adam Lambert's debut album too. Hang on, what do you mean Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol? And what do you mean Adam Lambert recorded his debut album On With The Show four years ago for a small independent record label and it's about to be released against his wishes? Wow, we really didn't know as much about Adam Lambert as we thought we did. Still, at least we can all agree on one thing about Adam Lambert - he must love his wife very much.
We're just the same as you. Since he won American Idol, we've been eagerly anticipating Adam Lambert's debut album too. Hang on, what do you mean Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol? And what do you mean Adam Lambert recorded his debut album On With The Show four years ago for a small independent record label and it's about to be released against his wishes? Wow, we really didn't know as much about Adam Lambert as we thought we did. Still, at least we can all agree on one thing about Adam Lambert - he must love his wife very much.
REVIEW: Pixies’ Secret Gig At Village Underground
Last night Pixies played a secret gig at Village Underground in Shoreditch to support the launch of the Minotaur box set. It was an invite-only affair and there were only about 300 lucky people allowed to witness the event. Hecklerspray was invited to attend, and we took a few readers with us. Our collective ears are still buzzing.
Whiney Houston’s Coming! Hide Your Crackpipe!
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
