Music News
New Michael Jackson Song Alert!
Hey, remember Michael Jackson? He was such a hip guy, with those zany dance moves, that massive afro, the pet monkey, and the video about the zombies. That's how we like to remember him anyway. The latter version of the King of Pop rather resembled a melting clown. No one needs that image tattooed on their mind's eye. The great news for weeping Jackson fans around the world, with their "We Love You Michael" t-shirts, and their wonderfully forgiving nature, is that before he drifted into a long, silent slumber, he had left behind some pop records for those around him to cash in on. The first of which shall be a single, called - rather appropriately - "This Is It".
Hey, remember Michael Jackson? He was such a hip guy, with those zany dance moves, that massive afro, the pet monkey, and the video about the zombies. That's how we like to remember him anyway. The latter version of the King of Pop rather resembled a melting clown. No one needs that image tattooed on their mind's eye. The great news for weeping Jackson fans around the world, with their "We Love You Michael" t-shirts, and their wonderfully forgiving nature, is that before he drifted into a long, silent slumber, he had left behind some pop records for those around him to cash in on. The first of which shall be a single, called - rather appropriately - "This Is It".
Whitney Houston’s Comeback Goes As Well As Can Be Expected
With her new album I Look To You, Whitney Houston has a lot to prove. OK, actually that's a lie - she doesn't. Whitney Houston only needs to prove three things. That she can sing, that she's beaten drugs, and that she doesn't need loved ones to remove hard-to-reach faecal clods from her rectum with their fingers. Yesterday Whitney Houston marked her comeback with a TV performance. And it was a total success, provided that your definition of success involves a woman breathlessly speaking the lyrics of her songs like an asthmatic being chased up a hill by an angry dog.
With her new album I Look To You, Whitney Houston has a lot to prove. OK, actually that's a lie - she doesn't. Whitney Houston only needs to prove three things. That she can sing, that she's beaten drugs, and that she doesn't need loved ones to remove hard-to-reach faecal clods from her rectum with their fingers. Yesterday Whitney Houston marked her comeback with a TV performance. And it was a total success, provided that your definition of success involves a woman breathlessly speaking the lyrics of her songs like an asthmatic being chased up a hill by an angry dog.
Bob Dylan To Massacre Every Christmas Song You Ever Loved
Ah, Christmas. Goodwill to all men, figgy puddings, the first dusting of snow, the scent of nutmeg in the air. Creepy old men who look like retired cowboy transvestites. Said creepy old men bawling Here Comes Santa Claus in a way that's so off-kilter and tuneless that it inadvertently leads every child who hears it to believe that Santa Claus is some sort of dangerous child molester, and then honking gracelessly into a harmonica for 45 minutes until the festive spirit of goodwill has been obliterated completely. That's right - Bob Dylan is bringing out a Christmas album. It will be wonderful.
Ah, Christmas. Goodwill to all men, figgy puddings, the first dusting of snow, the scent of nutmeg in the air. Creepy old men who look like retired cowboy transvestites. Said creepy old men bawling Here Comes Santa Claus in a way that's so off-kilter and tuneless that it inadvertently leads every child who hears it to believe that Santa Claus is some sort of dangerous child molester, and then honking gracelessly into a harmonica for 45 minutes until the festive spirit of goodwill has been obliterated completely. That's right - Bob Dylan is bringing out a Christmas album. It will be wonderful.
Meat Loaf & Ace Frehley Fulfill Old Men’s Fantasies (Non-Sexually, Thankfully)
What's your favourite rock n' roll fantasy? Is it that you're married to Cher? It would go some way to explaining why you keep creeping into her bedroom, at least. Perhaps it's that Kurt Cobain is still alive? That's cool, but it does mean we would probably have been denied Foo Fighters, who have had more hits and are therefore almost certainly better than Nirvana. What? Your favourite rock n' roll fantasy involves noodling on a guitar in a windowless studio with a sweaty old man for hours at a time? Then you might want to get your Mojo-loving arse along to Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.
What's your favourite rock n' roll fantasy? Is it that you're married to Cher? It would go some way to explaining why you keep creeping into her bedroom, at least. Perhaps it's that Kurt Cobain is still alive? That's cool, but it does mean we would probably have been denied Foo Fighters, who have had more hits and are therefore almost certainly better than Nirvana. What? Your favourite rock n' roll fantasy involves noodling on a guitar in a windowless studio with a sweaty old man for hours at a time? Then you might want to get your Mojo-loving arse along to Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.
VMA Nominations: Beyonce & Lady Gaga Fight To The Death (Hopefully)
The MTV VMAs always excite - they only reward the best, most exciting, most innovative artists working today. Or Britney Spears, which is what happened last year. But given that no major pop stars have had terrifying nervous breakdowns and then agreed to make a documentary for MTV that's basically 90 minutes of them sobbing forlornly this year, hopefully the VMAs will be business as usual. Except this year's MTV VMA nominations have just been announced and, along with Beyonce, Lady Gaga has gained the most nods. So by 'business as usual' we mean 'tedious, deliberately controversial, badly dressed and worryingly mannish'.
The MTV VMAs always excite - they only reward the best, most exciting, most innovative artists working today. Or Britney Spears, which is what happened last year. But given that no major pop stars have had terrifying nervous breakdowns and then agreed to make a documentary for MTV that's basically 90 minutes of them sobbing forlornly this year, hopefully the VMAs will be business as usual. Except this year's MTV VMA nominations have just been announced and, along with Beyonce, Lady Gaga has gained the most nods. So by 'business as usual' we mean 'tedious, deliberately controversial, badly dressed and worryingly mannish'.
The Pussycat Dolls Grimly Refuse To Split Up
The Pussycat Dolls are NOT splitting up. No. Definitely not. If there's one rule in pop music that is set in stone, it's that news that bands are breaking up are immediately preceded by a denial that they are breaking up. So when a representative for Pussycat Dolls announced that, contrary to rumours, the band are NOT breaking up, they just substantially added to those very same rumours. Pussycat Dolls famously made a career out of a single (Don't Cha) whose subtext was 'we'll do that thing in the bedroom that made your girlfriend scream "eww, no" when you suggested it that night after you came back from the pub'. The Dolls' founder Robin Antin explained that if they were going to split up, the news would come from him.
The Pussycat Dolls are NOT splitting up. No. Definitely not. If there's one rule in pop music that is set in stone, it's that news that bands are breaking up are immediately preceded by a denial that they are breaking up. So when a representative for Pussycat Dolls announced that, contrary to rumours, the band are NOT breaking up, they just substantially added to those very same rumours. Pussycat Dolls famously made a career out of a single (Don't Cha) whose subtext was 'we'll do that thing in the bedroom that made your girlfriend scream "eww, no" when you suggested it that night after you came back from the pub'. The Dolls' founder Robin Antin explained that if they were going to split up, the news would come from him.
Eminem Vs Mariah Carey: The Next Interminable Round
It's becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the honking, toothless, meth-addicted, redneck, laundry-airing Jerry Springer guests of pop. Yes, that's better. So far, Eminem wrote a song about having sex with Mariah Carey, then Mariah Carey wrote a song calling Eminem obsessed, and now Eminem has written a song threatening to release voicemails and nude pictures of Mariah. Coming soon, Mariah says that Eminem runs like a girl and has fleas and wets the bed. IDST.
It's becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the honking, toothless, meth-addicted, redneck, laundry-airing Jerry Springer guests of pop. Yes, that's better. So far, Eminem wrote a song about having sex with Mariah Carey, then Mariah Carey wrote a song calling Eminem obsessed, and now Eminem has written a song threatening to release voicemails and nude pictures of Mariah. Coming soon, Mariah says that Eminem runs like a girl and has fleas and wets the bed. IDST.
Michael Jackson Records New Song FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE
Michael Jackson was many things in his life - the new James Brown, the new Elvis Presley, the new Gary Glitter. But now? Now Michael Jackson is new Tupac. When he died, Michael Jackson apparently left 200 unreleased songs for his children to financially benefit from. Well, his children and the awful 1970s folk-country band America, that is. An unreleased Michael Jackson song has just been leaked, and it's almost identical to their song A Horse With No Name. That's right - before he died, Michael Jackson went country. We assume it was to make his child molesting accusations look less horrific in comparison.
Michael Jackson was many things in his life - the new James Brown, the new Elvis Presley, the new Gary Glitter. But now? Now Michael Jackson is new Tupac. When he died, Michael Jackson apparently left 200 unreleased songs for his children to financially benefit from. Well, his children and the awful 1970s folk-country band America, that is. An unreleased Michael Jackson song has just been leaked, and it's almost identical to their song A Horse With No Name. That's right - before he died, Michael Jackson went country. We assume it was to make his child molesting accusations look less horrific in comparison.
