From the category archives:

Music News

Paris Hilton Goes Reggae

by Stuart Heritage

The last time Paris Hilton made any kind of video, it involved her doing all manner of unspeakable things to a man’s genitals. Now Paris Hilton is at it again, this time doing unspeakable things to everyone’s ears.

Remember all those stories about Paris Hilton making an album? Remember how you thought that it’d never materialise, since no record company would be dumb enough to pay to let the listless, wonk-eyed socialite slur “that’s hot” over and over while a tinny Bontempi keyboard plays its default cha cha cha beat in the background? Well you were wrong. Paris Hilton has gone reggae, and there’ll be a new single coming out next month to prove it.

0 comments Read more >>>

James Blunt Banned For Annoying Essex

by Stuart Heritage

There are a few sounds that always make us turn off the radio instantly in a fit of rage. One of them is the phrase “Hello, I’m Chris Moyles,” and the other is any James Blunt song.

And we’re not the only ones – Essex hates James Blunt songs, too. In fact, Essex hates James Blunt so much that local radio station Essex FM has banned James Blunt from the airwaves for being an annoying, whiny, cloying, girl-haired, soppy-faced, useless-voiced git.

0 comments Read more >>>

Beanie Sigel The Latest Rapper To Be Shot

by Stuart Heritage

To paraphrase a lousy film starring a bunch of idiots: Would all you rappers please stop getting shot?

Seriously, what with all the hip-hop gunplay blasting around at the moment, the world of rap seems to be turning into a dodgy shooting-stall from a travelling funfair. A travelling funfair with more bitches and hoes, of course. And more shouting in airports. And more weird, put-on macho posturing. Wait, we’ve lost our thread. Oh, that was it, rapper Beanie Sigel got shot in the shoulder yesterday.

1 comment Read more >>>

James Blunt & KT Tunstall Win Some Kind Of Award

by Stuart Heritage

The Ivor Novello awards are world-famous for recognising and awarding the very top percentile of British songwriters, the writers of classic, thrilling pop music that will be remembered for decades. Or so we thought.

Somehow there must have been some kind of mix-up this year, though, because it seems like the Ivor Novello award panel have decided to reward the songwriters who have soundtracked a bunch of arseholes driving their people-carriers to Ikea on Saturday mornings. Because that’s the only logical way that James Blunt and KT Tunstall could have possibly won their Ivor Novello awards last night.

0 comments Read more >>>

Pussycat Dolls Toy Line Cancelled To Preserve The Innocence Of Children Who Almost Got Perverted

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray grew up playing with three basic toys – He-Man, dry ice, and our mother’s high heeled shoes. Let’s keep that last one between the several thousand of us.

Back then toys were good and pure – they didn’t have to mingle on the edge of adulthood and sexuality to keep our attention. Rainbow Brite didn’t come with an ovulation calendar and Voltron most definitely would never have gone to battle in a hiked up leather mini skirt. Whoever made Voltron, if you use that we want a cut.

In today’s world, the kids almost got Pussycat Dolls action figures – the target market was going to be little girls between the ages of six and nine, and oft’ times-lonely British entertainment blogs who’d already made space on their desks and would’ve liked nothing more than to brush the doll hair for hours on end and constantly wipe our lip marks off their faces. Actually, if someone in the proofreading department could totally delete that last bit…

0 comments Read more >>>

Jesus ‘Not Mad’ At Madonna For Crucifixion Stunt

by Stuart Heritage

There were three very distinct reactions when Madonna wheeled out her giant glittery cross, put on a thorny hat and crucified herself during a concert on her tour earlier this week.

Christian groups got all angry at Madonna for seemingly taking the piss out of Jesus during the show, while the majority of sensible people saw it as a welcome respite – it is, after all, the first Madonna publicity stunt for ages that didn’t involve seeing an old lady rolling about the floor with her fanny hanging out. But what did Jesus think of Madonna’s stunt?

He’s OK with it, apparently, and not mad at Madonna at all. That’s according to Madonna, at least.

1 comment Read more >>>

Kanye West In Hip-Hop Music Nick Lawsuit

by Stuart Heritage

Copyright lawsuits aren’t all that common in the world of hip-hop. Rappers don’t tend to hear songs and say “Wait, this track is all about guns and bitches. But I’ve got a track about guns and bitches too, the copying bastards.”

But hip-hop copyright lawsuits do happen. And one is happening now, in fact – New Jersey group IOF claim that Kanye West and Ludacris ripped off one of their songs and turned it into Stand Up, a hit from three years ago. Thank god we’re not on the jury, all this young people’s music is all bang bang bang to us. We didn’t even know if David Bowie was a boy or a girl until someone told us last week.

0 comments Read more >>>

Shonky Elton John Vampire Musical Closes Sharpish

by Stuart Heritage

Now, we don’t know about you, but our idea of fun is going to a theatre and watching a play about vampires punctuated by needless, narrative-slowing songs by the man who performed Crocodile Rock.

So it’s with a heavy heart that we report that Lestat, the much-hyped Elton John-penned vampire musical, is to close after just 39 performances. That’s bad news for everybody – Elton John’s credibility has taken a knock after the disappointing performance of Lestat, while the rest of us will have to suffer through a billion more cash-recouping Elton John-starring dodgy Post Office adverts.

0 comments Read more >>>

Taylor Hicks Is The New, Twitchy American Idol

by Stuart Heritage

The difference between the UK and America can be summed up very simply. When Pop Idol was shown in Britain, the British public voted for that fat Scottish lass for a bit of a laugh.

But on American Idol, the American public voted for a prematurely grey, twitchy man with a whole range of off-putting vocal tics. But they only did that because he was the best singer on the show. Taylor Hicks was last night voted as the new American Idol, joining the prestigious ranks of Kelly Clarkson, that fat bloke and, um, the other two.

0 comments Read more >>>

Ask The Go! Team A Question For Us

by Stuart Heritage

Here at hecklerspray we sure do love The Go! Team. We love The Go! Team so much that we lost a lot of money when Thunder, Lightning, Strike didn’t win the Mercury Music Prize, and we also love The Go! Team so much that we just can’t stop bloody well interviewing them.

And this is where you come in. We interviewed The Go! Team last August, and now we’re going to interview The Go! Team again. The problem is, we used up all our decent Go! Team related questions back then and we need you to basically think up a bunch of questions we can ask them instead. Look, all we want is for you to do our job for us, OK?

So here’s your chance – what do you want to know from The Go! Team? Where did they get their crazy name? Did they sample the theme-tune from Ironside in one of their songs, or are we hearing things? Is Ninja single? Leave your Go! Team questions as comments below, and we’ll probably use them for our big Go! Team interview in the next few weeks. Unless they’re crap even if they’re crap.

1 comment Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →