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Music News

Downright Dynamite Downloads Of The Week: Johnny Clegg & Juluka, Sufjan Stevens, Hopewell…

by Shawn Lindseth

Back in the day music wasn’t quite as accessible as it is today. Sure, maybe it was good and all, but you could only take it with you if you fought and conquered a bard, and bards can be deadly in combat. We know because our office assistant had words with one 90 minutes ago, [...]

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Russell Crowe Smokes His Way Into Trouble

by Stuart Heritage

Russell Crowe is a certifiable rebel. He doesn’t play by your rules, man – the rules that say not to lob phones into people’s faces or smoke cigarettes onstage inside in New Zealand during a concert. According to reports, Russell Crowe performed some concerts with his new band The Ordinary Fear Of God in New [...]

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Madonna To Hobble Round The Planet In New World Tour

by Stuart Heritage

Time for the dressmakers of the world to prepare their obscene leotards – Madonna is going on a world tour. This means that fans in several countries can see the outline of Madonna’s labia in real life! We don’t know about you, but we can’t wait for the Madonna world tour – because we’re making [...]

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Suge Knight Skips Court, Could Lose Death Row Records

by Stuart Heritage

Suge Knight is a man who seems fond of getting into trouble. He’s been in and out of prison on several occasions, and now – after skipping a court date – it looks as if Suge Knight could lose Death Row records. Suge Knight was due in court on Saturday to answer questions about his [...]

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Army Of Michael Jacksons Take On Michael Jackson

by C J Davies

hecklerspray once knew a girl called – genuinely – Teresa Green. We used to make endless fun of her, until she let us feel up her top at Scott Parker’s 15th birthday party. Then we went back to making fun of the kids at the local Special School instead. Could have been worse for poor [...]

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Rolling Stones Too Old, Says 39-Year-Old Noel Gallagher

by Stuart Heritage

The definition of psychological projection is: "when someone is threatened by, or afraid of, their own impulses so they attribute these impulses to someone else," which sets this story up rather nicely. Noel Gallagher, monobrowed 1990s indie rockstar, has lashed out at The Rolling Stones for not understanding that their recent albums aren’t as good [...]

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Paris Hilton Recording Long-Threatened Album With Three 6 Mafia

by Stuart Heritage

Paris Hilton – for all her lazy-eyed, slurring dimwittedness – is very successful. Her TV show is popular, her home sex tape was popular and you only went to see House Of Wax because Paris Hilton was in it. But one of the biggest aspects of being a success is acknowledging your limitations. And that’s [...]

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Kevin Federline Playing With Fire By Releasing Album

by Stuart Heritage

When Kevin Federline dropped the first fruits of his rapping career in November, he said Y’All Ain’t Ready. In which case, we’re not sure anyone will ever be ready for Kevin Federline’s new album. Despite Y’All Ain’t Ready being greeted with universal taunting – and first single proper PopoZao getting about as much radioplay as [...]

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Destiny’s Child Get Star Treatment In Hollywood

by Stuart Heritage

Destiny’s Child – the man-hating, bottom-wobbling trio of girls responsible for hits like No No No, Bills Bills Bills and Survivor Survivor Survivor – have been given a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. All of Destiny’s Child – Beyonce, Kelly, um, the other one – attended the star ceremony yesterday to see Destiny’s [...]

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Britney Giving Birth Captured In A Statue

by Shawn Lindseth

When does a songstress know she’s made it? Is it her first date on Leno, the first time her album goes platinum, or when she first hears that Fred Durst made sweet love to her? No, no, and an emphatic no. Those are all hollow and empty Hollywood achievements, and that last one smacks of [...]

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