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50 Cent Inexplicably Named Songwriter Of The Year

by Stuart Heritage

What makes a brilliant song? A catchy tune? A set of memorable lyrics? A man listlessly mumbling and guns and how everyone should probably go and buy a pair of his trainers?

That last one is what The American Society Of Composers, Authors And Publishers (ASCAP) seems to think, anyway. ASCAP just awarded 50 Cent the title of Songwriter Of The Year at a gigantic back-slapping ceremony it held. But 50 Cent wasn’t the only winner of an ASCAP award, because ASCAP also dished out awards to cutting edge, innovative artists like Clash copyists Green Day and Annie Sodding Lennox.

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Watch The Morrissey The Youngest Was The Most Loved Video

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Morrissey, he always manages to spuff things up a little bit, doesn’t he? After slowly regaining the goodwill he ruined ten years ago, he goes and gives an encore-less stropfest at the Palladium.

And, after releasing the bizarrely chirpy You Have Killed Me single from his Morrissey Goes Happy album Ringleader Of The Tormentors, Morrissey decides to release The Youngest Was The Most Loved as the follow-up. It’s a song about the childhood of a sociopathic murderer, not really the most radio-friendly of subject matters. Morrissey being Morrissey, though, The Youngest Was The Most Loved is something of a corker. The Youngest Was The Most Loved is a proper Morrissey epic, and it’s got something that sounds suspiciously like a children’s choir in it, making The Youngest Was The Most Loved kind of like Morrissey’s Grandma We Love You, only about a murderer.

Watch the Morrissey The Youngest Was The Most Loved video now

Poor old Morrissey, he always manages to spuff things up a little bit, doesn't he? After slowly regaining the goodwill he ruined ten years ago, he goes and gives an encore-less stropfest at the Palladium. And, after releasing the bizarrely chirpy You Have Killed Me single from his Morrissey Goes Happy album Ringleader Of The Tormentors, Morrissey decides to release The Youngest Was The Most Loved as the follow-up. It's a song about the childhood of a sociopathic murderer, not really the most radio-friendly of subject matters. Morrissey being Morrissey, though, The Youngest Was The Most Loved is something of a corker. The Youngest Was The Most Loved is a proper Morrissey epic, and it's got something that sounds suspiciously like a children's choir in it, making The Youngest Was The Most Loved kind of like Morrissey's Grandma We Love You, only about a murderer. Watch the Morrissey The Youngest Was The Most Loved video now
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Downright Dynamite Downloads Of The Week: The Servant, Rogue Wave, Paul Simon…

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray is a missionary of sorts. We try our best to send the sweet embracing message of real rock n’ roll around the world, hoping only to play our part in combating the evils of MTV, most radio stations, and their good friends the satanists. We hope only that you will aid us in our quest, and find these songs of your own volition, and play them for as many people as you can.

This week’s band and track recommends include: The Servant, Wheatus, Wheat, Rogue Wave, Paul Simon, and Band Of Horses.

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Keith Richards Back Home After Brain Bang Drill Episode

by Stuart Heritage

Keith Richards has been on a kind of extended activity holiday of late; it’s just a shame that the activities involved getting drunk, falling out of a coconut tree and having a drill rammed into his brain.

But all holidays must come to an end, and so has Keith Richards’. It’s only been a few weeks since Keith busted up his noggin after dropping five metres onto his head in Fiji, but already the elderly rocker is back home and “feeling great,” according to a recent statement.

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Madonna Crucified Over Singing Crucifixion

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna is a woman with her finger on the pulse. Sadly, it’s not the pulse of modern culture that Madonna has her finger on, it’s the pulse of how to annoy humourless idiots in tedious ways.

Madonna is in a whole lot of trouble for deciding to do a little sing-song on her latest tour. Strapped to a cross. With a thorny crown on her head. It’s not so much that Madonna appears to be mocking Jesus that has offended the masses, though – it’s got more to do with the way that all her songs are rubbish and she looks a bit like a stupid old lady these days. Oh OK, it’s the Jesus thing.

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hecklerspray Presents: A Brief Run-On Sentence About Zeilsteen Radio

by Shawn Lindseth

It seems to us that only one radio station in the world matters that being Zeilsteen Radio out of Holland which is a country generally known for prostitutes with a 401 K and bulky wooden shoes Zeilsteen sound just like our iPod on shuffle and they keep introducing us to bands we’d never heard of like The Servant, Band Of Horses even The Streets back in the day you can find them at www.zeilsteen.com or if you go into your iTunes radio option and click on Alt/Modern Rock and go to the very last option in that category we love them so much it hurts, would everyone could hurt us so good.

No offence wife.

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Mariah Carey’s Giant Goddess Legs Get Worshipped

by Stuart Heritage

Mariah Carey is currently riding the crest of a wave after her last album reassured the public that she wasn’t as much of a mentally defunct diva as they had previously thought.

And now for the cherry on top of Mariah Carey’s cake – who cares about singing or talent or anything like that when there’s a ceremony prepared to celebrate Mariah Carey’s Celebrity Legs Of A Goddess, whatever the flipping shittery that’s supposed to mean.

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Elton John

by C J Davies

Oh yes. It’s back.

Those of who have been regular hecklerspray readers from the start – and if you haven’t, you’d better hightail it down to your local church and beg for the forgiveness of Baby Jesus immediately – will remember this good old weekly feature of yore.

And – by golly – we’ve decided to bring it back.

Celebrity Haiku Competition takes a superstar-based story from the news and allows you – yes, lucky old you – the chance to write a poem about it.

But that’s not all. If we decide that your poem is the best of the bunch, then you win – and win big. That’s right, kids… each and every week we have a delicious mouthwatering tube of Fruit Pastilles to give away!

Can you imagine that? Good god – can you? We certainly hope so…

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Watch The Hundred Reasons Perfect Gift Video Now

by Stuart Heritage

Bloody hell, have Hundred Reasons always been this good? We were pretty convinced they were rubbish a few years ago and sort of ignored them, but – by Christ – they’ve somehow got brilliant.

How brilliant are Hundred Reasons? We’ve got the Hundred Reasons Perfect Gift video for you today, and it’s a monster of a song. Seriously. Perfect Gift is a giant, epic, stadium-filling thing with a chorus that could resuscitate the dead. Not that we’re entirely sure what Perfect Gift by Hundred Reasons is all about, of course – the singer seems to be communicating to us purely through the power of vowels – but Perfect Gift is so huge that we’d imagine canny sports producers are lining up to set it to highlight reels during the World Cup.

Watch the Hundred Reasons Perfect Gift video now

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Pete Doherty ‘Enjoys Being Dead’

by C J Davies

Ah, the world of cultural commentary is a fickle old business.

What, for example, would we do without sixth-form-favourite Junkie boy Pete Doherty? As much as we despise him here at hecklerspray – and, by the scented beard of Christ, we really really do – even we can’t deny that his absolute screaming ineptitude and piss-poor social conduct keeps us forever gripped (and annoyed) like a particularly bewildering episode of Lost.

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