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Elton John Turns 60 & Barks Out Some Birthday Songs

by Stuart Heritage

Yesterday Elton John celebrated his 60th birthday by doing something very special; no, not playing Madison Square Garden for the 60th time – we mean Elton John somehow spent a night on stage without bitching about everything like a crotchety old git.

Elton John’s 60th birthday was marked last night with his 60th performance at Madison Square Garden in New York in front of 20,000 fans and guests like Bill Clinton, Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams. Don’t worry if you missed it, though, because Elton John’s 60th birthday concert will be shown on ITV later this week – giving you the viewer the once in a lifetime chance to see Elton John sing a bunch of songs that he’s sung a billion times before while Kate Thornton asks ridiculously asinine questions to the man who was directly involved with two separate peace agreements between Israel and Palestine.

Yesterday Elton John celebrated his 60th birthday by doing something very special; no, not playing Madison Square Garden for the 60th time - we mean Elton John somehow spent a night on stage without bitching about everything like a crotchety old git. Elton John's 60th birthday was marked last night with his 60th performance at Madison Square Garden in New York in front of 20,000 fans and guests like Bill Clinton, Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams. Don't worry if you missed it, though, because Elton John's 60th birthday concert will be shown on ITV later this week - giving you the viewer the once in a lifetime chance to see Elton John sing a bunch of songs that he's sung a billion times before while Kate Thornton asks ridiculously asinine questions to the man who was directly involved with two separate peace agreements between Israel and Palestine.
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McCartney Gets McCaffeinated

by Shawn Lindseth

Starbucks just effed us over big time. We were this close to signing Sir Paul McCartney to our awesomely themed-record company – this close we tell you! But apparently the former Beatle doesn't think he belongs on a publicity-hungry label that forces its artists to get mild heart attacks medically induced in the CNN lobby [...]

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Scooch Somehow Goes To Eurovision

by Stuart Heritage

Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up is ostensibly the competition to find the UK’s Eurovision Song Contest entry, although this year the BBC appeared to make a mistake and accidentally broadcast The Most Tiresome Ironic Hasbeen Competition instead.

All sorts of people that you hadn’t thought about for years decided they wanted to represent Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest this year – someone who used to be in The Darkness, someone who used to be in Atomic Kitten, someone who used to be in East 17, Big Brovaz and some French girl with a case of Celine Dion delusion – but in the end the winner of Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up was Scooch, a failed sub-Steps band from the turn of the century who won the public over with a charming mix of xenophobia and homosexual blowjob jokes called Flying The Flag. God bless Scooch and God bless Eurovision!

Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up is ostensibly the competition to find the UK's Eurovision Song Contest entry, although this year the BBC appeared to make a mistake and accidentally broadcast The Most Tiresome Ironic Hasbeen Competition instead. All sorts of people that you hadn't thought about for years decided they wanted to represent Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest this year - someone who used to be in The Darkness, someone who used to be in Atomic Kitten, someone who used to be in East 17, Big Brovaz and some French girl with a case of Celine Dion delusion - but in the end the winner of Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up was Scooch, a failed sub-Steps band from the turn of the century who won the public over with a charming mix of xenophobia and homosexual blowjob jokes called Flying The Flag. God bless Scooch and God bless Eurovision!
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Tobago: Let’s Ban Gay Elton John

by Stuart Heritage

Like most people with a Napoleon complex, hecklerspray has often fantasised about violently colonising our own country; one of the laws of this new country would be to ban Elton John, and we’re not alone – Tobago wants Elton John banned, too.

However, while we’d ban Elton John because he’s a bit of a twit, Tobago wants to ban Elton John because he’s gay. Although Elton John is due to play a festival in Tobago in April, angry islanders are calling for his performance to be banned, lest Elton John’s inherent gayness suddenly turn all the men in Tobago into a roaming herd of predatory gay men. Perhaps nobody in Tobago has ever seen a picture of Elton John, because – in our experience – the sight of an angry, tubby, bespectacled, gap-toothed, 60-year-old in a ginger wig is usually enough to turn gay men straight.

Like most people with a Napoleon complex, hecklerspray has often fantasised about violently colonising our own country; one of the laws of this new country would be to ban Elton John, and we're not alone - Tobago wants Elton John banned, too. However, while we'd ban Elton John because he's a bit of a twit, Tobago wants to ban Elton John because he's gay. Although Elton John is due to play a festival in Tobago in April, angry islanders are calling for his performance to be banned, lest Elton John's inherent gayness suddenly turn all the men in Tobago into a roaming herd of predatory gay men. Perhaps nobody in Tobago has ever seen a picture of Elton John, because - in our experience - the sight of an angry, tubby, bespectacled, gap-toothed, 60-year-old in a ginger wig is usually enough to turn gay men straight.
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Simon Cowell In Smug Bruce Springsteen Shock

by Stuart Heritage

Simon Cowell is bigger than Bruce Springsteen. That’s not just lazy opinion – that’s straight to the bone scientific fact direct from the mouth of Simon Cowell himself, and Simon Cowell knows more about Simon Cowell than you, so it must be true.

Sure, Bruce Springsteen signed a record deal for around $100 million, but Simon Cowell thinks that – as he’s bigger than Bruce Springsteen – someone should be paying him $500 million. That’s the claim that Simon Cowell made during an interview with 60 Minutes to be broadcast on Sunday, anyway. And who’s to say Simon Cowell doesn’t deserve $500 million? In fact, we’d happily give Simon Cowell all our earnings past, present and future, plus everything contained within our parents’ will and first go on our wife if we ever decide to get married – so long as Simon Cowell agreed to never let Il Divo anywhere near another effing microphone so long as they live. Fair swap, we think.

Simon Cowell is bigger than Bruce Springsteen. That's not just lazy opinion - that's straight to the bone scientific fact direct from the mouth of Simon Cowell himself, and Simon Cowell knows more about Simon Cowell than you, so it must be true. Sure, Bruce Springsteen signed a record deal for around $100 million, but Simon Cowell thinks that - as he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen - someone should be paying him $500 million. That's the claim that Simon Cowell made during an interview with 60 Minutes to be broadcast on Sunday, anyway. And who's to say Simon Cowell doesn't deserve $500 million? In fact, we'd happily give Simon Cowell all our earnings past, present and future, plus everything contained within our parents' will and first go on our wife if we ever decide to get married - so long as Simon Cowell agreed to never let Il Divo anywhere near another effing microphone so long as they live. Fair swap, we think.
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Free Cinematic Orchestra To Build A Home Download!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been far too long since we’ve heard anything from The Cinematic Orchestra. Almost five years have passed since the last Cinematic Orchestra album – the blissful, ethereal Every Day – came out, so you can understand our anticipation for any new stuff.

And here comes the new stuff. Out of nowhere comes news that a new album by The Cinematic Orchestra – entitled Ma Fleur – is just weeks away from release, which would normally be enough to send us into frenzy of salivation. But if that wasn’t enough, the gods have gifted us all a free taster of the new Cinematic Orchestra album in the form of a download. According to people who know these things, the download – Ma Fleur opener To Build A Home – is “a sparse and achingly beautiful piece of music”. And who are we to argue with that?

Download To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra now

It's been far too long since we've heard anything from The Cinematic Orchestra. Almost five years have passed since the last Cinematic Orchestra album - the blissful, ethereal Every Day - came out, so you can understand our anticipation for any new stuff. And here comes the new stuff. Out of nowhere comes news that a new album by The Cinematic Orchestra - entitled Ma Fleur - is just weeks away from release, which would normally be enough to send us into frenzy of salivation. But if that wasn't enough, the gods have gifted us all a free taster of the new Cinematic Orchestra album in the form of a download. According to people who know these things, the download - Ma Fleur opener To Build A Home - is "a sparse and achingly beautiful piece of music". And who are we to argue with that? Download To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra now
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Joss Stone Thanks Everybody In The World

by C J Davies

We’re big fans of Joss Stone here at hecklerspray.

In fact, we’d even go so far as to say that – in terms of yodelling Crystal Tipps-lookalikes who make fools of themselves at awards ceremonies and occasionally release records that we couldn’t even name – Joss Stone is, like, the best by a million billion miles.

Want to know something else about young Joss? She’s the grateful type – and we don’t mean that in the same way as those scary 45-year-old women you see hanging around Wetherspoons every Friday night. No, we mean that’s she’s so bloody thankful to everyone who’s ever helped her that she couldn’t even fit all their names on her new album sleeve.

So she put a dedication to ‘em all online.

A 7,000-word dedication.

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What’s The Deal With Tila Tequila?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s not so difficult being big on the internet – all you need is to wiggle your boobs around and look vaguely available to nerds. Abi Titmuss has done it, Paris Hilton has done it and now Tila Tequila is doing it all over the place with her MySpace page.

For the uninitiated, Tila Tequila Nguyen is a sweary little Asian American model in a bra who shouts “Love me!” a lot and sings songs while sort of writhing around a chair a bit. This alone has made Tila Tequila the most popular person on the whole of MySpace – and now Tila Tequila is trying to break into the music business too. Only being the feisty little rebel she is, Tila Tequila is doing it completely by herself. Completely. Except for the bit where she got giant global production company Endemol to help her out. And the bit where she got represented by the talent agency in charge of Harrison Ford and Johnny Depp. And the bit where she’s included on the roster of the Universal Music Group’s MySpace page. Those aside, Tila Tequila is doing this completely by herself.

It's not so difficult being big on the internet - all you need is to wiggle your boobs around and look vaguely available to nerds. Abi Titmuss has done it, Paris Hilton has done it and now Tila Tequila is doing it all over the place with her MySpace page. For the uninitiated, Tila Tequila Nguyen is a sweary little Asian American model in a bra who shouts "Love me!" a lot and sings songs while sort of writhing around a chair a bit. This alone has made Tila Tequila the most popular person on the whole of MySpace - and now Tila Tequila is trying to break into the music business too. Only being the feisty little rebel she is, Tila Tequila is doing it completely by herself. Completely. Except for the bit where she got giant global production company Endemol to help her out. And the bit where she got represented by the talent agency in charge of Harrison Ford and Johnny Depp. And the bit where she's included on the roster of the Universal Music Group's MySpace page. Those aside, Tila Tequila is doing this completely by herself.
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Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame: Now With Added Confused Old Folk

by Stuart Heritage

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a big deal – it’s one of the only places on earth where several old bands who haven’t really played or spoken for 20 years can go to a big room and awkwardly try not mention why they hate each other so much.

And this year’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was no different. Held in New York last night, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony featured a band that hardly bothered to turn up, a drummer with a brain aneruysm, a scary old lady, a group of women who pointedly neglected to mention the man who invented them because he might have shot a woman in the face and – best of all – Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, who somehow managed to get through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony without looking like a rag-tag gaggle of embarrassing Dads and/or the scary homeless woman who plays with herself outside Argos.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a big deal - it's one of the only places on earth where several old bands who haven't really played or spoken for 20 years can go to a big room and awkwardly try not mention why they hate each other so much. And this year's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was no different. Held in New York last night, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony featured a band that hardly bothered to turn up, a drummer with a brain aneruysm, a scary old lady, a group of women who pointedly neglected to mention the man who invented them because he might have shot a woman in the face and - best of all - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, who somehow managed to get through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony without looking like a rag-tag gaggle of embarrassing Dads and/or the scary homeless woman who plays with herself outside Argos.
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Ga-Ga-Ga Gareth Gates Announces Another Comeback

by Matthew Laidlow

Pop Idol, X Factor, Popstars The Rivals and Fame Academy have produced some talent over the years that has left us all scratching our heads in bemusement.

Before these competitions plagued our screens, we often thought that what the TV told us to buy was decent. But when we realised all these shows were just karaoke cover competitions we quickly lost faith and all hope. Over the years we’ve had many failed singers come through the Pop Idol ranks, so many that we can’t remember most of them. Probably because they’re all so shit. Such failed pop stars include massive porkers Rick Waller and Michelle McManus, One True Voice, Darius and er… that’s all we can remember. Except for Gareth Gates – the Pop Idol runner-up who refuses to go away.

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