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Akon: Now Throwing Children As Well As Dry-Humping Them

by Matthew Laidlow

These rappers, they think they can get away with anything.

The Game thinks he can wave guns around at people and Eminem seems to marry and divorce the same woman every other month. And now Akon also believes that, when he isn’t simulating sex with the underage children of pastors on a stage in front of thousands of people, he can flex his muscles and chuck kids around like Frisbees.

At the recent KFEST concert for local Fishkill, New York-based radio station WSPK – presumably free, because we can’t imagine anyone wanting to pay to see him, Akon got a little hot and bothered when someone threw an object at him mid-sentence. Instead of laughing it up and comforting himself with a ho in his dressing room, Akon decided to drag the perpetrator up on stage and then throw him back into the audience as hard as he could. What a gent.

Local police are now trying to identify the boy who Akon threw in order to see if he wants to press charges. Look for yourselves to see how much of an utter dickcheese Akon can be.

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Cops Looking For Fan Tossed By Akon – People

These rappers, they think they can get away with anything. The Game thinks he can wave guns around at people and Eminem seems to marry and divorce the same woman every other month. And now Akon also believes that, when he isn’t simulating sex with the underage children of pastors on a stage in front of thousands of people, he can flex his muscles and chuck kids around like Frisbees. At the recent KFEST concert for local Fishkill, New York-based radio station WSPK – presumably free, because we can't imagine anyone wanting to pay to see him, Akon got a little hot and bothered when someone threw an object at him mid-sentence. Instead of laughing it up and comforting himself with a ho in his dressing room, Akon decided to drag the perpetrator up on stage and then throw him back into the audience as hard as he could. What a gent. Local police are now trying to identify the boy who Akon threw in order to see if he wants to press charges. Look for yourselves to see how much of an utter dickcheese Akon can be. Read more: Cops Looking For Fan Tossed By Akon - People
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Jack White All Cheesed Off You Can Hear His Songs

by Matthew Laidlow

For hecklerspray to work there are a few key components that are needed. Namely people and highly sophisticated chimpanzees reading our ramblings and then leaving us rude and threatening comments that often make us laugh uncontrollably.

Without people reading that we sometimes misspell and get stuff wrong, we would have to go back to our old job of annoying you outside chains of HMV trying to get you to buy the Big Issue so you could read poetry written by pissed tramps. So putting two and two together, it seems logical that you need people to access what you do in order for it to be successful. Right? Of course, we’re never wrong, but creepy-looking Jack White – frontperson of The White Stripes – doesn’t want you to hear his songs. And when he found the duo’s new album Icky Thump was played on an American radio station, the toys flew out the pram.

For hecklerspray to work there are a few key components that are needed. Namely people and highly sophisticated chimpanzees reading our ramblings and then leaving us rude and threatening comments that often make us laugh uncontrollably. Without people reading that we sometimes misspell and get stuff wrong, we would have to go back to our old job of annoying you outside chains of HMV trying to get you to buy the Big Issue so you could read poetry written by pissed tramps. So putting two and two together, it seems logical that you need people to access what you do in order for it to be successful. Right? Of course, we’re never wrong, but creepy-looking Jack White - frontperson of The White Stripes - doesn’t want you to hear his songs. And when he found the duo's new album Icky Thump was played on an American radio station, the toys flew out the pram.
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Stewart Copeland From The Police – “We’re Shit”

by Matthew Laidlow

Hecklerspray knows tons of like totally cool and radical stuff. For example we have the knowledge of how to make the perfect bacon sandwich, use our good looks to get free takeaway food and how to kill endangered species with a handful of staples.

However, while we can’t share those secrets with you – because your head would explode through pure excitement – we are able to let slip that all these rock and roll OAPs who have reformed just to make money for their fans’ pleasure are shit. People may have left us abusive messages and severed sheep’s heads in disagreement, but now Stewart Copeland – the one from recently-reformed The Police who nobody really knows – has admitted what we all knew, that his band is shit.

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Michael Jackson Is A Bad Ass Rapper, Y’all

by Matthew Laidlow

Hecklerspray was saddened when Michael Jackson’s terminally-ill kiddy-wanking trial ended. Not because we enjoy watching famous people potentially go to prison, but because we wouldn’t hear any more tales of Jesus Juice.

Now all we have to go on is the expectation of a new Michael Jackson album that, like the new Guns ‘N’ Roses album, will be inevitably shit – if either of them actually ever come out. But instead of getting more botched plastic surgery or even trying to prove to the world he can still sing, Michael Jackson has strangely bought the rights to some of Eminem’s back-catalogue. It seems as if working with the stupid named one from The Black Eyed Peas didn’t work out for him, so now Jackson has opted to try and become a new white rapper. Er… scratch that last one.

Hecklerspray was saddened when Michael Jackson's terminally-ill kiddy-wanking trial ended. Not because we enjoy watching famous people potentially go to prison, but because we wouldn’t hear any more tales of Jesus Juice. Now all we have to go on is the expectation of a new Michael Jackson album that, like the new Guns 'N’ Roses album, will be inevitably shit - if either of them actually ever come out. But instead of getting more botched plastic surgery or even trying to prove to the world he can still sing, Michael Jackson has strangely bought the rights to some of Eminem’s back-catalogue. It seems as if working with the stupid named one from The Black Eyed Peas didn’t work out for him, so now Jackson has opted to try and become a new white rapper. Er… scratch that last one.
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Johnny Borrell Goes Green, Sadly Not From Illness

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve long been under the assumption that the best way for Razorlight to become carbon neutral would be for all of them to stop breathing forever with immediate effect, but old Johnny Borrell’s got different – and obviously less good – ideas.

Johnny Borrell has decided to help highlight the need to slow climate change by recording a new song for Friends Of The Earth. Nothing unusual there, even though the world needs a new Razorlight song like it needs to be obliterated by an asteroid, but Johnny Borrell has gone one step further by recording the song in a completely solar-powered way. Sadly this didn’t involve Johnny Borrell trying to fly to the sun to do it, which is a shame because we made him a special set of wax wings especially for the occasion.

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Justin Timberlake Is Bringing Vanity Record Labels Back

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone who has ever listened to even a millisecond of Justin Timberlake music knows that Justin Timberlake is the undisputed king of pube-haired blippy R&B music, and now it’s time for Timberland to share the wealth with his own record label.

Tennman Records is the name of the record label that Justin Timberlake has started with Interscope, and it’s hoped that the soon-to-be unveiled Tennman Records roster will be a beacon for the world’s most talented artists who make Justin Timberlake-produced blippy R&B songs containing enough gaps in the middle for Justin Timberlake to do his girly squealing guest-vocal shtick in and don’t mind that Justin Timberlake hogs every one of their music videos like some kind of squeaky-voiced, pube-haired attention whore all the time.

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Madonna Writes Live Earth Song, Climate Immediately Changes

by Stuart Heritage

You know, we really couldn’t give two hoots about this climate change faff, and that’s how it’ll stay – unless a middle-aged woman in a leotard writes a piss-weak ballad about climate change, of course, because then we’ll reverse our opinions instantly.

Wait, what’s that? A middle aged woman in a leotard has written a piss-weak ballad about climate change, you say? And that middle aged woman is Madonna? And Madonna’s climate change song is called Hey You and it’s being given away as a free download to help promote the Live Earth concerts this summer? Well, that’s us convinced, then – where do we sign up to become eco-warriors? Madonna writing a not very good song for Live Earth has inspired us to turn off all our electronic equipment right away to reduce carbon emissions and help the environment. And if doing this means we’ll also avoid ever hearing Madonna’s genuinely awful Live Earth song again, well, that’s all the better.

You know, we really couldn't give two hoots about this climate change faff, and that's how it'll stay - unless a middle-aged woman in a leotard writes a piss-weak ballad about climate change, of course, because then we'll reverse our opinions instantly. Wait, what's that? A middle aged woman in a leotard has written a piss-weak ballad about climate change, you say? And that middle aged woman is Madonna? And Madonna's climate change song is called Hey You and it's being given away as a free download to help promote the Live Earth concerts this summer? Well, that's us convinced, then - where do we sign up to become eco-warriors? Madonna writing a not very good song for Live Earth has inspired us to turn off all our electronic equipment right away to reduce carbon emissions and help the environment. And if doing this means we'll also avoid ever hearing Madonna's genuinely awful Live Earth song again, well, that's all the better.
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Hillary Clinton Foolishly Asks You To Pick Her Campaign Song

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a well known universal fact that whenever a politician tries to be funny, cool or generally down with the kids, they end up looking like massive embarrassing out-of-touch dickwads – so it’s a shame that Hillary Clinton hasn’t been informed of this.

Hillary Clinton, as we all know, wants to be the next president of America, but she won’t be able to unless she somehow learns how to engage key core voting groups. Luckily, Hillary Clinton has just the trick for this – she’s asking the public to choose her campaign song for her. Readers of Hillary Clinton’s website have been asked to select the song that’ll help her become the next president although – since the list includes two U2 songs, a KT Tunstall song and something by forgotten baggy tosspots Jesus Jones – she’s more likely to inspire entire cities of people to run into the sea screaming, crying and clutching their ears.

It's a well known universal fact that whenever a politician tries to be funny, cool or generally down with the kids, they end up looking like massive embarrassing out-of-touch dickwads - so it's a shame that Hillary Clinton hasn't been informed of this. Hillary Clinton, as we all know, wants to be the next president of America, but she won't be able to unless she somehow learns how to engage key core voting groups. Luckily, Hillary Clinton has just the trick for this - she's asking the public to choose her campaign song for her. Readers of Hillary Clinton's website have been asked to select the song that'll help her become the next president although - since the list includes two U2 songs, a KT Tunstall song and something by forgotten baggy tosspots Jesus Jones - she's more likely to inspire entire cities of people to run into the sea screaming, crying and clutching their ears.
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Dull Snow Patrol Split From Manager, Dullness To Continue Regardless

by Chris Laverty

With the possible exception of The Fray and Keane, Snow Patrol are the most boring band on the entire planet. Even their manager agrees. Or at least he was their manager until he decided he didn’t want to die a slow death of miserable bastard indie laced with the vocals of a jittery, soppy sod choirboy who needs a haircut.

Snow Patrol were not always less interesting than pus. They started off pretty well; some of their songs could even be considered ‘ok’, as background filler for cleaning the gutters or having a mental breakdown. Back in their early days as Shrug there was something more about them than gloom-laden drudgery. As Snow Patrol, they released the critically acclaimed Final Straw in 2003 and got enough attention to warrant not giving a damn anymore. As if being from Belfast would not make you miserable enough, they felt being permanently depressed and maudlin was the way to go. Nothing like being nominated for a Grammy and having a song featured in Grey’s Anatomy to really piss you off though. Man, that sucks.

Their now former manager Jazz Summers took over the band’s reins back in 2002 when they were dumped by Jeepster Records. Many people believe he was the mastermind behind the current Snow Patrol monstrosity. He is the one you blame when you’re sitting up in heaven looking down on your own funeral with Chasing Cars blaring out of the chapel’s antiquated speaker system. There is no official line for the band’s split from Summers. ‘Creative differences’ is likely, ‘they’ve gone all shit’ even more so.

With the possible exception of The Fray and Keane, Snow Patrol are the most boring band on the entire planet. Even their manager agrees. Or at least he was their manager until he decided he didn’t want to die a slow death of miserable bastard indie laced with the vocals of a jittery, soppy sod choirboy who needs a haircut. Snow Patrol were not always less interesting than pus. They started off pretty well; some of their songs could even be considered ‘ok’, as background filler for cleaning the gutters or having a mental breakdown. Back in their early days as Shrug there was something more about them than gloom-laden drudgery. As Snow Patrol, they released the critically acclaimed Final Straw in 2003 and got enough attention to warrant not giving a damn anymore. As if being from Belfast would not make you miserable enough, they felt being permanently depressed and maudlin was the way to go. Nothing like being nominated for a Grammy and having a song featured in Grey’s Anatomy to really piss you off though. Man, that sucks. Their now former manager Jazz Summers took over the band’s reins back in 2002 when they were dumped by Jeepster Records. Many people believe he was the mastermind behind the current Snow Patrol monstrosity. He is the one you blame when you’re sitting up in heaven looking down on your own funeral with Chasing Cars blaring out of the chapel’s antiquated speaker system. There is no official line for the band’s split from Summers. ‘Creative differences’ is likely, ‘they’ve gone all shit’ even more so.
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Marilyn Manson Has Sex With A Girl Just For You

by Stuart Heritage

Chronically aware that his shtick of wearing funny-coloured contact lenses and singing bad sixth-form poetry to bad sixth-form goth music isn’t controversial any more, Marilyn Manson has revealed a new PR tactic – having sex with girls in videos.

Not just any girls, either – Marilyn Manson has sex with his real-life teenage girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don’t just have any sex, either – they have real, in-and-out sex. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don’t just have real sex on any video, either – it’s the video for new Marilyn Manson single Heart-Shaped Glasses. Clever old Marilyn Manson – he knows only too well that nothing makes a man more popular than a video of his weird naked underdeveloped lesbian anorexic prostitute body pumping away into a girl who looks like she’s about six years old.

Chronically aware that his shtick of wearing funny-coloured contact lenses and singing bad sixth-form poetry to bad sixth-form goth music isn't controversial any more, Marilyn Manson has revealed a new PR tactic - having sex with girls in videos. Not just any girls, either - Marilyn Manson has sex with his real-life teenage girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don't just have any sex, either - they have real, in-and-out sex. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don't just have real sex on any video, either - it's the video for new Marilyn Manson single Heart-Shaped Glasses. Clever old Marilyn Manson - he knows only too well that nothing makes a man more popular than a video of his weird naked underdeveloped lesbian anorexic prostitute body pumping away into a girl who looks like she's about six years old.
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