Chris Brown. What’s he going to be remembered for? Selling a load of lousy records? His pastel coloured blazers? Of course not. He’ll forever be remembered as the man that punched ten-shades out of Rihanna.
As yet, Breezy has failed to say anything approaching ‘sorry’ for the attack and, indeed, preferred to ‘forgive his enemies’ who keep bringing it up, like its our fault he thwacked his bony knuckles against RiRi’s skull repeatedly.
And thanks to him failing to show any kind of remorse, he’s been told that he must remain on probation. That’s not stopped the Grammies from booking him though. We can only hope for another ‘shirt-off, chair through a window’ episode, eh?
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Awards ceremonies are pointless, unless you win something at one of them. Then they’re the best thing ever for all of around 5 seconds (basically, ’til the free bar is closed). So should we get worked up about them?
OF COURSE WE SHOULD! These junkets are there to be mocked mercilessly. They are arbiters of taste and all that is deemed good, so everyone should gather round them and poke them with as many pointed sticks as they can get their awful, grubby little hands on.
So you’ll be thrilled to know that a bunch of musicians are going to hold a protest outside Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony over a decision to unceremoniously axe 31 ‘ethnic and minority musical categories’ from the bash.
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Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children.
Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.
Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.
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Lana Del Rey has had her whole adult life and creative outlets bankrolled by her insanely wealthy father and, at various points nearly gave it all up because she had to actually work a little to get anywhere. However, thickos on the internet came to the rescue and made her an overnight sensation!
Things were all going to (a carefully executed by a PR company) plan as she readied her new album! She was going to become a superstar! The golden goose had actually delivered!
The key cog would be a performance on Saturday Night Live! Lana would sing, everyone would swoon and rush out to buy her album, learn all the hackneyed lyrics and eagerly await the tour announcement. She opened her mouth to her largest audience yet and… oh dear… she ended up sounding like a cow in labour. The plan was ruined.
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Okay. Credit where credit is due: Madonna’s halftime show at the Super Bowl was pretty brilliant. That’s even taking into account that LMFAO showed up and the always disappointing MIA flipped the bird in an attempt to show her terrible hipster fans that she hadn’t ‘sold out’.
And so, if the Super Bowl show was anything to go by, Madge’s announcement that she will be going on a tour of the world should be met with some excitement.
Provided of course, her new LP (dubbed ‘MDNA’) isn’t a gigantic brown trout of a release.
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Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.
Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.
Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
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Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made.
Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & Celeste’s blueprint and cracked it to 11 and added some push-up bras and kooky wigs.
And now, her latest offering – ‘Stupid Hoe’ – is getting banned by everyone because it is so very, very grating. Fancy a listen? Click over…
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You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.
Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.
The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.
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