Music News
Taylor Swift Gets Through An Awards Speech Uninterrupted For Once
Hearty congratulations to Taylor Swift! Not because she won four trophies at last night's CMAs, though. Or because she's the youngest-ever CMA Entertainer Of The Year. No, congratulations should go to Taylor Swift because she managed to get through all of her acceptance speeches without being interrupted by a hieroglyphic-haired berk with a weird compulsion to unfavourably compare her to Beyonce - the first time this has ever happened. But then how could Kanye West possibly unfavourably compare anyone at a country music awards show? "Imma let you finish, but Darius Rucker is one of the most derivative, tedious and inbred-looking singers of all time. OF ALL TIME!"? Hardly.
Hearty congratulations to Taylor Swift! Not because she won four trophies at last night's CMAs, though. Or because she's the youngest-ever CMA Entertainer Of The Year. No, congratulations should go to Taylor Swift because she managed to get through all of her acceptance speeches without being interrupted by a hieroglyphic-haired berk with a weird compulsion to unfavourably compare her to Beyonce - the first time this has ever happened. But then how could Kanye West possibly unfavourably compare anyone at a country music awards show? "Imma let you finish, but Darius Rucker is one of the most derivative, tedious and inbred-looking singers of all time. OF ALL TIME!"? Hardly.
Aerosmith Split: Steven Tyler Hangs Up On His Wrinkly Friends
This Aerosmith split is ugly, and not just because everyone involved in it looks like a voodoo doll made from medical waste. No, it's the bitterness that's ugly. Steven Tyler has only been out of Aerosmith for a few days, and the rest of the band are already lining up to badmouth him as much as possible. Just yesterday Joe Perry complained to a radio station that Steven Tyler had recently hung up on him midway through a phonecall. And that's just the start. We also heard that Steven Tyler always steals the Coco Pops whenever the band buys a Kellogg's Variety Pack, thinks that Joe Perry's mum is a slag and once drew a cock and balls on the back of Brad Whitford's bomber jacket in Tipp-Ex. The man is evil.
This Aerosmith split is ugly, and not just because everyone involved in it looks like a voodoo doll made from medical waste. No, it's the bitterness that's ugly. Steven Tyler has only been out of Aerosmith for a few days, and the rest of the band are already lining up to badmouth him as much as possible. Just yesterday Joe Perry complained to a radio station that Steven Tyler had recently hung up on him midway through a phonecall. And that's just the start. We also heard that Steven Tyler always steals the Coco Pops whenever the band buys a Kellogg's Variety Pack, thinks that Joe Perry's mum is a slag and once drew a cock and balls on the back of Brad Whitford's bomber jacket in Tipp-Ex. The man is evil.
Steven Tyler Leaves Aerosmith, But It’s Not All Good News
It's weird when old people get divorced, isn't it? You're both going to be dead soon, so what's the point? Which brings us to Aerosmith. Despite having a combined age of the highest number you can possibly think of, Aerosmith have just decided to split up. Actually, no, that isn't strictly true - Steven Tyler has decided to leave Aerosmith to concentrate on something called 'Brand Tyler', something that - if Steven Tyler's appearance in the movie Be Cool is anything to go by - will be the very worst thing ever created by a human being in all of history. As for Aerosmith? They might carry on without him. Idiots.
It's weird when old people get divorced, isn't it? You're both going to be dead soon, so what's the point? Which brings us to Aerosmith. Despite having a combined age of the highest number you can possibly think of, Aerosmith have just decided to split up. Actually, no, that isn't strictly true - Steven Tyler has decided to leave Aerosmith to concentrate on something called 'Brand Tyler', something that - if Steven Tyler's appearance in the movie Be Cool is anything to go by - will be the very worst thing ever created by a human being in all of history. As for Aerosmith? They might carry on without him. Idiots.
Adam Lambert Wanted His Album Cover To Look Like That, Honest
The artwork for Adam Lambert's new album For Your Entertainment has already kicked up one hell of a fuss. Why? It's simple. It looks like one of those awful transfer-print T-shirts that people who like wolves buy from tatty market stalls. It looks like something that the redneck wife of a professional wrestling fan would airbrush onto the back of her leather jacket. It looks like a poster that someone you hate would buy. It's bizarre. But it's OK, because Adam Lambert says it's all deliberate. Unfortunately it means that Kris Allen's new album artwork will now probably show him covered in glitter and bumming a unicorn, but we'll deal with that when we have to.
The artwork for Adam Lambert's new album For Your Entertainment has already kicked up one hell of a fuss. Why? It's simple. It looks like one of those awful transfer-print T-shirts that people who like wolves buy from tatty market stalls. It looks like something that the redneck wife of a professional wrestling fan would airbrush onto the back of her leather jacket. It looks like a poster that someone you hate would buy. It's bizarre. But it's OK, because Adam Lambert says it's all deliberate. Unfortunately it means that Kris Allen's new album artwork will now probably show him covered in glitter and bumming a unicorn, but we'll deal with that when we have to.
And Here’s Chris Brown’s New Single (It’s Less Suicidey)
Sorry Rihanna. You may have wrapped yourself in barbed wire and sung about killing yourself, but you've been out-depressed. You see, Chris Brown also has a new single out. And even though your song, Rihanna, was about blowing a gigantic hole in your own chest with a pistol, Chris Brown's new single is immeasurably more depressing simply because it exists. It's called Crawl, and it's a kind of sadsack 'I know I tried to choke you unconscious and bite one of your ears off, but I still love you baby' plea for forgiveness. And it's worked. Oh Chris Brown, we could never stay mad at you, you stupid-toothed, bowtie-wearing, violent, woman-hating twat.
Sorry Rihanna. You may have wrapped yourself in barbed wire and sung about killing yourself, but you've been out-depressed. You see, Chris Brown also has a new single out. And even though your song, Rihanna, was about blowing a gigantic hole in your own chest with a pistol, Chris Brown's new single is immeasurably more depressing simply because it exists. It's called Crawl, and it's a kind of sadsack 'I know I tried to choke you unconscious and bite one of your ears off, but I still love you baby' plea for forgiveness. And it's worked. Oh Chris Brown, we could never stay mad at you, you stupid-toothed, bowtie-wearing, violent, woman-hating twat.
Rihanna Releases A Happy Little Ditty About Suicide
Why, just the other day we were wondering why there aren't any more songs about Rihanna shooting herself in the chest. And here's Russian Roulette. It's serendipity, that's what it is. Russian Roulette is the first single to be released from Rihanna's new album Rated R - the R, if you're wondering, stands for Really Bloody Depressing. Will Rihanna's Russian Roulette take off? We hope not. The last thing we need is a bunch of copy-cat suicide songs from lesser singers - although insiders have informed us that Ciara's forthcoming Do The Toasterbath and Amerie's Let's Push Scorpions Up Our Bumholes are actually pretty catchy.
Why, just the other day we were wondering why there aren't any more songs about Rihanna shooting herself in the chest. And here's Russian Roulette. It's serendipity, that's what it is. Russian Roulette is the first single to be released from Rihanna's new album Rated R - the R, if you're wondering, stands for Really Bloody Depressing. Will Rihanna's Russian Roulette take off? We hope not. The last thing we need is a bunch of copy-cat suicide songs from lesser singers - although insiders have informed us that Ciara's forthcoming Do The Toasterbath and Amerie's Let's Push Scorpions Up Our Bumholes are actually pretty catchy.
Adam Lambert’s Whiny New Song Leaked Onto The Internet
A warning: if you don't like fat teenage girls with silly emo haircuts and black nail polish, stay inside during November. They'll be out in force. Not only is New Moon coming out - which, let's face it, would be bad enough by itself - but it's also when For Your Entertainment, the first album from stupid-haired screeching emo vampire American Idol loser Adam Lambert, is being released. And Adam Lambert's first single has just been leaked onto the internet. It's called Time For Miracles. So long as that miracle involves the entire internet being deleted just to stop us from hearing it, we couldn't agree more.
A warning: if you don't like fat teenage girls with silly emo haircuts and black nail polish, stay inside during November. They'll be out in force. Not only is New Moon coming out - which, let's face it, would be bad enough by itself - but it's also when For Your Entertainment, the first album from stupid-haired screeching emo vampire American Idol loser Adam Lambert, is being released. And Adam Lambert's first single has just been leaked onto the internet. It's called Time For Miracles. So long as that miracle involves the entire internet being deleted just to stop us from hearing it, we couldn't agree more.
Beyonce & Her Immoral Boobs Postpone Malaysian Concert
Yo women, we're real happy for you, we'll let you finish, but Beyonce has some of the most immoral breasts of all time! OF ALL TIME! How immoral are Beyonce's breasts? Beyonce's breasts are so immoral that they've just made her postpone a concert in Malaysia. Apparently the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party is so outraged at the prospect of watching a pretty young woman wiggle her scantily-clad body about that she's decided to pull out. Of course, Beyonce could have just worn a few more clothes, but then people would have had to concentrate on her songs. Talk about a disaster.
Yo women, we're real happy for you, we'll let you finish, but Beyonce has some of the most immoral breasts of all time! OF ALL TIME! How immoral are Beyonce's breasts? Beyonce's breasts are so immoral that they've just made her postpone a concert in Malaysia. Apparently the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party is so outraged at the prospect of watching a pretty young woman wiggle her scantily-clad body about that she's decided to pull out. Of course, Beyonce could have just worn a few more clothes, but then people would have had to concentrate on her songs. Talk about a disaster.
