This is just a hunch, but we’re expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People’s sexiest man alive next year.

Because, seriously, that man is loaded. He gets paid so much money. Too much money, in fact. And he doesn’t deserve a bloody penny of it. That’s according to Forbes, at least – Will Ferrell has come out on top of a list 0f Hollywood’s most overpaid stars. The list claims that Will Ferrell only earns his investors a return of $3.29 for every dollar he’s paid.

Why such a poor figure? Well, it’s partly because Land Of The Lost flopped, partly because comedy is notoriously difficult to sell around the world and partly because Will Ferrell has cold dead eyes and a rapist’s haircut. Possibly.

What makes a good actor? Commitment? Research? An ability to emotionally connect with an audience? No, you idiot. What makes a good actor is the comparative financial return that they make for investors based on their salary. That’s why Matt Damon is a great actor and Will Ferrell is the worst, stupidest, actor to have ever walked the Earth.

According to a new Forbes list, Will Ferrell is the most overpaid star in Hollywood because he only makes $3.29 back for each dollar he’s paid. Compare this to Naomi Watts, who earns investors $44 for every dollar she’s paid, and you can see what an underwhelming amount that is.

That’s not necessarily a helpful comparison – Naomi Watts’ figure is so much higher because she’s generally paid less than Will Ferrell, her films cost less to make and she rarely carries movies by herself, plus the fact that her name is a guarantee that you’re either going to see her boobs or the outline of at least one of her nipples through a skimpy top at some point – but it must still be a worry for Will. ABC reports:

Ferrell took first place largely due to the flop of his summer 2009 movie “Land of the Lost”, which Forbes said cost an estimated $100 million to make but earned just $65 million at box offices worldwide for movie studio Universal Pictures. The movie followed a disappointing $43 million box office for Ferrell’s 2008 outing “Semi-Pro”, and $128 million for “Step Brothers”.

We should probably point out that Will Ferrell was part of a list of overpaid actors, but we’re trying not to mention that because it’ll only depress Ferrell further. For instance, Ewan McGregor came second in the list. And when was the last time you ever got excited about a Ewan McGregor film? This year? Last year? This decade? Ewan McGregor is awful, and he’s still better value for money than Will Ferrell.

Other actors on the list include Tom Cruise – a man who only makes films so that people can tell him how rubbish he is in them – and Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton, for crying out loud. He can’t even do an interview properly, let alone a bloody film. Seriously, Will Ferrell must be feeling terrible.

There’s only one thing for it. To turn this around, Will Ferrell will have to start taking on Naomi Watts-style roles before it’s too late. He should sign up for impossibly minor roles in bad Clive Owen films, harrowing remakes of brutally amoral German horror films and London-set films where members of the Lord Of The Rings cast beat a large number Russian gangsters to death with their bare penises. That will definitely revive Will Ferrell’s fortunes as a Hollywood commodity.

We expect a consultancy fee for this advice.

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Winning that Oscar for Dreamgirls didn’t just make Jennifer Hudson a household name, it also changed her life forever.

Not in a particularly good way, either. When Jennifer Hudson started acting, she probably thought that she’d do Dreamgirls and then maybe a couple of comedies or a big summer action flick. But no. Jennifer Hudson has won an Oscar now, so every film she stars in from now on is legally entitled to be overlong, dreary and so relentlessly worthy that you feel like scrubbing yourself clean with a dry brush afterwards.

And that’s why Jennifer Hudson is about to play Winnie Mandela in what promises to be a right old bundle of bloody laughs.

One of the main things that worries us about Jennifer Hudson is that she used to be an American Idol contestant, and that it wouldn’t take much for other Simon Cowell-approved singers to follow her lead. Sure, it might be OK for Jennifer Hudson to play a notorious historical figure in a transparently Oscar-baiting biopic, but what if it sparks a trend?

What if Leona Lewis suddenly decides that she wants to play Rosa Luxemburg in a film about the 1919 Spartakusbund uprising? Or what if Jedward signs up to play Dmitry Ivanovsky in a biopic about pioneering microbiology? You’d try to hammer yourself unconscious with whatever’s nearest to you, that’s what.

And it’d all be Jennifer Hudson’s fault for playing Winnie Mandela in an upcoming biopic based on the book Winnie Mandela: A Life. Variety reports:

Jennifer Hudson is set to star in Winnie, a drama that casts her as the former wife of South Africa’s first black president, Nelson Mandela. “I was compelled and moved when I read the script,” Hudson said. “Winnie Mandela is a complex and extraordinary woman and I’m honored to be the actress asked to portray her. This is a powerful part of history that should be told.”

Of course, Jennifer Hudson didn’t need to say any of that. She could have just shouted “I WANT ANOTHER OSCAR!” directly into the face of the Variety editor through a megaphone while repeadedly bonking him on the head with an oversized polystyrene Oscar, since that’s what she obviously means, but where would be the fun in that?

That’s assuming that Jennifer Hudson will win an Oscar for playing Winnie Mandela, of course, and there’s no guarantee that she will. Remember, she only won the Oscar for Dreamgirls because she was able to channel the emotions of her character through a number of painfully schmaltzy showtunes. So if Jennifer Hudson wants to win another Oscar for Winnie, there’s only one thing for it: it’s going to have to be a musical.

No, bear with us. A Winnie Mandela musical would be awesome. Imagine Jennifer Hudson, standing against the backdrop of Apartheid-ravaged South Africa, belting out the timeless Orange Free State (Is Something I Hate). Or winking her way through the ribald crowd-pleaser Let’s Burn Our Enemies With Tyres And Petrol! Or closing the whole thing with the heartfelt show-stopper Election (It’s Fifth Place For Me). It’d be awesome. Or terrible. Probably terrible.

But anything that stops Jennifer Hudson from making any more Sex And The City films, eh?

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2012 is the top movie at the weekend box office. And you don’t have to be a genius to work out why.

Two hours of John Cusack almost being smashed to death by falling rocks? Who wouldn’t want to pay good money to see that! Oh, we’re just kidding – 2012 is top of the weekend box office because it deals with the growing worry that the Mayan calendar was right and that the world will end in 2012.

And it probably will. After all, the Mayans were right about men originally evolving from mud, weren’t they? And about rain being a giant flying snake’s dribble. Nice one Mayans, you dead idiots.

Last week, the weekend box office success of A Christmas Carol demonstrated that cinema is now firmly getting ready for the festive season. And that’s been proven by the new weekend box office number one – 2012, the film about all of humanity perishing in a fiery rampage of harrowing devastation. Merry Christmas, everybody! Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 – 2012 (Now that he’s had Earth destroyed by aliens, destroyed by a giant lizard, destroyed by bad weather and now destroyed by an ancient prophesy, what’s Roland Emmerich going to do next? If he’s reading, we’d like to direct him to our as-yet unmade screenplay, The Day The Earth Was Destroyed By A Little Boy What Done A Massive Trump. You’re welcome, Emmerich) $65,000,000

2 - A Christmas Carol (Suffering a noticeably large drop-off in takings compared to last week. Why is this? Because there’s four times more Jim Carrey in this than in any other film ever made? Oh. Yes, that’s probably why) $22,325,000

3 - The Men Who Stare At Goats (If you liked The Men Who Stare At Goats, you’re just going to love its highly anticipated sequel, The Men Who Peek At Ocelots) $6,200,000

4 - Precious (A story about a fat woman who’s sad because she’s fat. It will win Oscars because it’s sad and it’s got a fat woman in it) $6,090,000

5 - Michael Jackson’s This Is It (This is the third week in a row where This Is It has been in the weekend box office top five. Since we heard that it was only going to be in cinemas for a fortnight, we’re sorry to say that we’ve run out of Michael Jackson jokes. Just kidding – we’ll never ever run out of Michael Jackson jokes. But we can’t be bothered to think of one right now. Sorry) $5,100,000

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With New Moon being released this week, there’s only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga.

And that’s ‘for the love of all that’s holy, won’t somebody make it stop?’ Oh, and also ‘now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?’ That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn’t. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway.

So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You’re welcome Twilight fans. You’re welcome.

At the moment, the Twilight saga has a perfect ending. Breaking Dawn – the book where Edward chews through Bella’s uterus or whatever – wraps things up nicely for everyone. Bella becomes a vampire, Edward finds love, Taylor Lautner decides that he wants to have sex with a baby or something and all the Twilight fans who read it end up soaked in their own wee to such a horrendous extent that even they realise they should probably start reading real books for once. It’s a perfect ending.

However, because the books are so popular – and definitely not because Stephenie Meyer wants enough money to submerge a giant coin mosaic of her own face at the bottom of her Olympic-sized heated swimming pool – there’s a chance that Breaking Dawn might not be the last Twilight book after all. Why, just the other day Oprah Winfrey opened an episode of her show with the burning question:

“Coming up, will there be a fifth book in the Twilight saga? Stephenie answers that later.”

Admittedly Oprah didn’t get round to actually asking that question – she was probably too busy prattling on about her feelings like some sort of awful ninny – but after the show some backstagers, probably rolling their eyes and muttering “She’s always doing this”, collared Stephenie Meyer and forced her to answer the question. Here’s what she said:

“I can’t answer it. The way I write, it’s what makes me happy. Like, I can’t write when people are looking over my shoulder. I am a little burned out on vampires right now. I think I need a little break. I might go spend some time with my aliens. I did envision it as a longer series. But I wrapped ‘Breaking Dawn’ in a way that I felt satisfied with, so if that moment didn’t come, I’d be OK.”

Brilliant! That means there’s definitely going to be a fifth Twilight book – Stephenie Meyer just needs to write an underperforming book about aliens that makes her realise that she’ll only have enough money to eat if she keeps joylessly churning out Twilight stories first. And you know what that means – a new Twilight book will eventually become a new Twilight film!

We don’t know what we’re more excited about – the thought of seeing a paunchy Taylor Lautner taking his top off with the kind of glee you only get when you’ve spent the last decade making direct-to-DVD erotic thrillers or the fact that, by the time the fifth Twilight film gets made, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will have got married, had children and gone through the bitterest divorce in Hollywood history, making every scene they share toe-curlingly awkward for everyone involved.

But what to call the fifth Twilight book? We’ve already had Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – what comes after that? Well, if our research is anything to go by, we can now comfortably predict that the next Twilight book will be called The Fat Lady Gets Another Jaffa Cake Out Of The Packet. We’re almost completely certain about that.

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Things are about to get awkward down at the Hall of Justice.

Not only does everyone have to pretend not to notice the strange sexual tension between the Wonder Twins, but Apache Chief has taco farts and the rec room’s been cleared out.

And on top of that - somehow Spider-Man’s started to date Catwoman and now Batman spends his waking hours crying into a couch cushion. Heroes have feelings too, you know.

Now before any super-nerds start balking about colliding universes, let us state we know Spider-Man and Catwoman could never be together.

Sam Raimi on the other hand…

The first three Spider-Man movies were so phenomenally popular that it’s be really hard to make a follow up that didn’t cause ardent fans to run onto railroad tracks, lay down and patiently wait for the end to come. A big part of all this inevitable insurrection is nailing an accurate portrayal of a much-loved villain – well that sounds pretty hard. Spidey’s readers are intimately familiar with the whole lot of ‘em, and if they’re brought to the screen incorrectly, like say if the Vulture’s feathers are more of a gay emerald than a common suburban lawn green, people are gonna scream fowl.

Pun very intended.

In the first movie Peter Parker had to fight his inner demons come-to-life in the form of the Green Goblin. In the second picture he had to do the exact same thing except with an aquatic feel.

The third movie, of course, is infamously the one where Parker had to defeat Topher Grace with a gigantic wind chime.

Seriously – how do you follow up something like that?

With Catwoman. According to Mania.com, anyway:

“We can exclusively reveal that actress Rachel McAdams has met with the producers of the film for a major role. McAdams (of ‘Wedding Crashers’ and ‘Sherlock Holmes’ fame) is said to be a top contender for the role of Felicia Hardy, known to comic fans as The Black Cat. Our sources tell us that the Black Cat’s story fits well with Raimi’s Spider-Man formula, which always finds the villains troubling not only the costumed hero, but also becoming entangled in Peter Parker’s personal life as well.”

That all sounds like a pretty sexy time – and at least it seems like they’re gonna give CW a more urban feel. We strongly…

Oh what’s that now? Black Cat is miles away from Catwoman you say? Black Cat shows way more Cleave you say? And she has psychic abilities while Catwoman only gets rusty thimble claws you say?

Well it definitely sounds like you’re underestimating the power of tetanus. That’s lockjaw, dude. Psychic brain power’s got nothing on lockjaw.

Just ask our Aunt Judy – not that she’d answer you. A dirty nail rusted her mouth shut.

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Merry Christmas, everyone! Ho ho ho! What did you get for Christmas? Anything good? Did it snow?

Ho ho ho! Ho ho… hang on a minute. It isn’t Christmas. It isn’t anywhere remotely near Christmas. It’s barely November. We haven’t even started to build up our reserve of goodwill towards all men yet. In fact, we still think most men are wankers.

So why is A Christmas Carol the number one movie at the weekend box office? Because it’s not very good and everyone’s trying to get it out of the way early so that it doesn’t bugger up everyone’s Christmas? Oh, right.

A Christmas Carol is the number one movie at US the weekend box office, even though Christmas is still quite a long way off. Not that we’re purists or anything, but we might have preferred it if Disney was a little more time-sensitive with its releases. You know exactly what we’re suggesting – that Disney immediately withdraws A Christmas Carol from cinemas and replaces it with a film called A Carol About A Slightly Overcast Monday Afternoon In Early November. Do it, Disney! You know we’re onto something!

Still, it’s not all bad. At least now Jim Carrey can add ‘Computer animated movies based on timeless novels’ to his list of things he should probably never do again, along with ‘films about how scary numbers are’ and ‘beards’. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 – A Christmas Carol (Robert Zemeckis‘ annual attempt to make a realistic-looking motion capture film. At the rate he’s progressing, he’ll finally come up with a film that doesn’t make us want to spend an entire week sitting in a corner with a torch, terrified and awake and clawing at our skin with our fingernails by about 2076) $31,000,000

2 - Michael Jackson’s This Is It (A mighty from last week. Maybe that ‘In Cinemas For Two Weeks Only!’ marketing plan was a little optimistic after all. Let’s hope the DVD sales are better, otherwise Sony had better start printing up stickers reading ‘Not Given Away Free To Anyone Who Spends More Than A Tenner At HMV For Two Weeks Only!’) $14,000,000

3 - The Men Who Stare At Goats (Have you ever stared at a goat? It’s rubbish. This film’s rubbish. Shut up) $13,300,000

4 - The Fourth Kind (It’s the film that literally everyone is calling ‘The Paranormal Activity that’s about aliens and nobody really gives a shit about’…) $12,500,000

5 - Paranormal Activity (… And so if people care less about The Fourth Kind than they do Paranormal Activity, and yet The Fourth Kind is higher than Paranormal Activity at the weekend box office, then that means that people care less about Paranormal Activity than they do about Paranormal Activity. Argue with THAT logic) $8,600,000

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Obviously Michael Jackson’s new film This Is It would top the weekend box office this week. Obviously.

It had everything going for it. Michael Jackson’s millions of fans are using This Is It as a way to pay tribute to his life. Plus This Is It will only be exhibited theatrically for two weeks, so everyone will see it at the same time. Plus no other big films opened on Friday, giving This Is It a clear path to weekend box office glory.

Also, given the choice between This Is It and Law Abiding Citizen, who wouldn’t choose the harrowing documentary about the painfully thin spectre-like drug addict in the silly wig?

So, as we’ve made clear, This Is It is the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week. As much as that’s a testament to Michael Jackson’s legacy as an entertainer, credit should also be given to the movie’s producers for rolling the film out in such a short space of time.

It’s a shame, though – we were sort of hoping that Jermaine Jackson would be a producer because, given his handling of the Austrian tribute concert, we were looking forward to seeing a film called Michael Jackson’s This Is It… No, Wait, This Is It. Alright This Is Nearly It. Sort Of. Oh Bugger It, We’ll Bring It Out Next Year Instead (Even Though We Probably Won’t). That’d be much more in keeping with Michael Jackson’s life. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 – This Is It (And this really is it from Michael Jackson, too. Apart from the DVD release. And the one-year theatrical re-release. And the remastering of Michael Jackson’s entire back-catalogue. And the 20 albums of unreleased material that Michael Jackson recorded that’ll be slowly dripped out over the next decade or two. And every other conceivable way that people think they can squeeze any extra drops of cash out of Michael Jackson’s body. But, yeah, apart from that, this is it) $21,300,000

2 - Paranormal Activity (Apparently things are scarier when they’re recorded on cheap equipment. That’s why Saw 7 is going to be filmed exclusively with a newsagent’s static CCTV camera. We heard that most of the torture will revolve around a three-week-old copy of Grazia magazine, you know) $16,540,000

3 - Law Abiding Citizen (Bore Abiding Citizen, more like. Are we right? Huh? Are we right? Seriously though, we have no interest in this film whatsoever) $7,303,000

4 - Couples Retreat (Hey, Couples Retreat has been in the weekend box office for ages, maybe it’s actually quite good after all. Or maybe everyone on the planet is stupid. Yes, that’s probably the reason) $6,097,000

5 - Saw VI (Where Jigsaw runs out of pointlessly confusing ways to kill people and just shoots someone in the first minute, then does a nice wordsearch for the remainder of the film) $5,560,000

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The number one movie at the weekend box office contains terrifying footage of a freakish undead figure.

No, not This Is It. That comes out on Wednesday. We’re talking about Paranormal Activity - the film that was made for $11,000, is widely referred to as ‘the scariest film ever made’ and has gradually been climbing the weekend box office chart as word of mouth about it grew.

Best of all, Paranormal Activity has beaten the latest Saw movie at the weekend box office, too. So here’s hoping that a new, incrementally rubbisher, Paranormal Activity movie gets released every year to help us forget how good the first one was, too! Hooray!

SPOILER ALERT: Paranormal Activity probably isn’t the scariest film ever made. But it’s probably one of the best-marketed, which is why it’s number one at the weekend box office. There have been internet campaigns to get Paranormal Activity a wide release, rumours that Steven Spielberg thought his copy was haunted, leaked internet videos of audiences screaming for their lives, breathless blog reviews, all adding up to make a quite unexpected torrent of hype.

And, admit it, if you haven’t seen Paranormal Activity, you want to. No? The lead actress has got quite big boobs. Oh, now you want to go and see it. You people are disgusting. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Paranormal Activity (Speaking of which, what’s the inevitable porno remake of Paranormal Activity going to be called? So far, we’ve only got ParaWHOREmal Activity, Paranormal SPANKtivity and PARROT-ANAL SCAT-GIVE-IT-TO-ME. Do help out if you can) $22,000,000

2 – Saw VI (Whereby Jigsaw, realising that he’s literally run out of inventive ways to kill people, just listlessly slaps a man on the forehead with one of his shoes for 90 minutes) $14,800,000

3 – Where The Wild Things Are (SPOILER ALERT! The wild things are either in the boy’s imagination or on an island or something) $14,400,000

4 – Law Abiding Citizen (A bit like Saw, really, except it’s got Gerard Butler and Jamie Foxx in it, so we’re even less likely to watch it) $12,7000,000

5 - Couples Retreat (OK, we’re sorry for whatever it is we’ve done. Just stop this being in the weekend box office. Please) $11,100,000

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Michael Jackson’s This Is It opens on Wednesday, and it’s bound to be a stupendous hit. But what’s it like?

Well, frankly, who cares? This Is It will be a hit no matter what it’s about. This is It could consist of nothing but Michael Jackson mumbling threats at a sleeping cat for two hours and it’ll still end up as one of the year’s top-grossing films. But it would be sort of nice to know what This Is It is like, wouldn’t it?

Well fear no more – Michael Jackson’s brother Jackie has seen This Is It, and he loves it. And he once recorded a song called Cruzin’, so he knows quality when he sees it.

Michael Jackson’s This Is It couldn’t have asked for a better name. Not only is it the phrase he repeated again and again like a melting wax mannequin of Rain Man when he first announced his London comeback, but he also managed to record a song of the same name before he shuffled off. And the title has meaning, too – because this really is it from Michael Jackson. Once the film is released, we’ll never hear from him again. Apart from, you know, when his albums keep getting constantly repackaged, each with a brand new unfinished, lacklustre demo bolted onto it to keep the money coming in.

And on Wednesday This Is It will finally be released. And nobody knows what it’ll be like. The movie posters promise that you’ll see Michael Jackson ‘like you’ve never seen him before’, which we originally assumed meant ‘gaunt, frail, wheezing, forgetful, dangerously medicated and conspicuously on the brink of premature death’, before the This Is Not It campaign put the kibosh on that idea.

So we just don’t know. Luckily, This Is It has already been seen by one reviewer, and he’s as impartial as you can possibly get. He’s… oh, he’s Michael Jackson’s brother Jackie Jackson. Here’s what Jackie Jackson thought of This Is It, according to TMZ:

“My brother’s movie ‘This Is It’ is truly riveting. Michael is electrifying! We get a glimpse of a true genius at work. His passionate message for healing the world, saving the planet and our children’s futures is something he was always striving for in his lifetime.”

Might Jackie Jackson have an ulterior motive here? We don’t think so. Remember that this is Jackie Jackson we’re talking about here – a Jackson so staggeringly inconsequential that, rather than waste their time thinking up a proper name for him, his parents just decided call him an abbreviated version of their surname. His opinion counts for even less than yours – and look at the state of you, for crying out loud.

Now, Jermaine Jackson’s review of This Is It is something we’d love to hear. Chances are it’ll go something like:

“My movie ‘Jermaine Jackson’s This Is It’ is truly riveting. I am electrifying! We get a glimpse of a true genius – me, Jermaine Jackson, the original lead singer of The Jackson Five – at work. My passionate message for healing the world, saving the planet and our children’s futures is something I was always striving for in my lifetime. Which is still ongoing, by the way. Not like some people I could mention. I probably have an album out soon or something. Love me!”

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Admit it, if you go and see This Is It next week, it’ll only be to gawp in horror at Michael Jackson’s nearly dead face.

No? Then you’re not a Michael Jackson fan. An international coalition of ‘dedicated Michael Jackson fans’ have set up a website trying to stop people from seeing This Is It on the basis that it deliberately covers up the truth about Michael Jackson’s health.

And we agree! We hereby promise to not see This Is It until someone splices in a scene where Michael Jackson – dangerously thin and without his wig and blitzed on anaesthetic – weeps directly into the camera for 35 minutes. Maybe it’ll be on the DVD.

Even factoring his death into the equation, 2009 has been a mess of failed potential for Michael Jackson. First his comeback concerts were postponed, then they were cancelled forever, then his posthumous tribute concert bit the dust as well. But at least there’s This Is It, the film about Michael Jackson’s comeback rehearsal that’s being released next week. At least that’s going off without a hitch.

True, it may have turned out that This Is It’s eponymous single was actually an 18-year-old Puerto Rican song that Michael Jackson didn’t really write by himself, but the movie’s going off without a hitch. Without a hitch!

Well, apart from all the protesters and stuff. You see, a group of hardline Michael Jackson fans have decided to kick up a stink about This Is It on a website entitled This Is Not It. They’re claiming that This Is It unfairly depicts Michael Jackson as a fun-loving man about town with a twinkle in his eye and a full set of working organs, when everyone knows that he was really a heavily-medicated, almost-dead waif with all the mobility of your ancient nan but none of her hair. Decrying the supposed cover-up, This Is Not It lists all the things that you won’t see in the finished movie, including:

Michael Jackson’s shocking sudden weight loss, reducing him to a mere 108 lbs (49kg) at the time of his death… Kenny Ortega, the director of both the tour and the movie, having to help Michael Jackson up the stairs, having to feed him and cut his food… Everyone around him witnessing to Michael Jackson looking confused and groggy, forgetting the lyrics of his own songs during rehearsals.

Yeah, rubbish, where’s all that in the film, huh? Jesus, how are we supposed to celebrate the man’s life if we can’t even watch a harrowing sequence involving a film director having to cut up meals for a nightmarish, barely-there man who most closely resembles the Sloth guy from Seven? Huh? Didn’t you idiots even know that ‘mind-scarring revulsion’ is an officially-mandated stage of grief? Christ, you people make us sick.

But, still, This Is Not It’s plan is doomed to failure. That footage will never be included in the final movie, because the posters have all been printed up and it’d be inordinately expensive to change the title of This Is It to This Is… Oh My God, What’s Wrong With His Face? at this late stage.

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New Moon won’t be released for another month, but that’s too long for us. We want New Moon to come out now!

Why the sudden enthusiasm? Have we finally succumbed to the hype and decided that we’d actually enjoy New Moon? Since we’re not fat little squealing 14-year-old girls, we’d have to say no. We actually want New Moon to come out now so that Summit can hurry up and start showing millions of poxy trailers for Eclipse all the bloody time instead.

But until then we’ll have to put with millions of New Moon trailers, the trillionth of which has just been released. After the jump!

We’ve lost count of all the different New Moon trailers that have been released since Twilight came out. Let’s try and count them – there was the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey, then there was the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey. Oh, and who can forget the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey? Classics, all of them.

In fact, we’d say that you probably don’t have to go and actually see New Moon any more, because if some enterprising young fellow decided to stitch together all the different New Moon trailers that have come out over the course of the last few months, then you’d probably have the entire movie in full right there. Or at least 90 minutes of footage where Taylor Lautner hasn’t got a shirt on and Kristen Stewart stands around looking a bit dopey. Which is exactly what New Moon is basically going to be, anyway.

Anyway, a brand new New Moon trailer has hit the internet and – because nothing else has happened today – we’re going to show it to you. Ready?

Now if you’re anything like us, you probably didn’t see much of the trailer because every time you pressed play you started crying and screaming and trying to lick your computer screen and screaming “I LOVE YOU ROBERT PATTINSON!” so hard that you dislodged some of your teeth. So with that in mind, let’s go over some of the key scenes from the new New Moon trailer:

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE ONE

The dialogue from this New Moon scene has been obscured, but we can exclusively reveal what it is for the very first time…

Kristen Stewart: What’s that hard thing in your trousers, Taylor Lautner?

Taylor Lautner: Oh, that’s, oh… it’s a mystical werewolf thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Kristen Stewart: Really? Because it feels a bit like…

Taylor Lautner: Mystical werewolf thing. Stop talking about it now.

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE TWO

We’re not completely sure what’s going on here, but it looks like Robert Pattinson is humping Taylor Lautner’s naked leg like a horny dog while Kristen Stewart watches. That’s just how Robert Pattinson rolls.

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE THREE

Wow, KD Lang’s let herself go a bit, hasn’t she?

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Today’s edition of the weekend box office countdown is brought to you with a side helping of tremendous bitterness.

You see, the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week is Where The Wild Things Are – one of the films that we’ve been most excited about this year. And yet we can’t see it until almost Christmas. Because it’s not being released over here until December. Stupid Britain.

So no Where The Wild Things Are spoilers please. Especially no spoilers about the temperature of the soup at the end of the film. We mean it.

So Where The Wild Things Are is top of the weekend box office this week. And that’s definitely a good thing. Because it has once and for all proved that children’s movies can be slightly dark and ambiguous and leftfield, and still be commercially successful. So here’s looking forward to that Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs remake where the entire second act involves Andy Samburg having a confused existential meltdown and despairingly shouting the word “WHY?” at the palm of his hands over and over again in a rainstorm for 45 minutes.

Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 – Where The Wild Things Are (Gee, now Spike Jonze has turned Where The Wild Things Are into such a weekend box office success, maybe we’ll see more arthouse directors take on children’s films like this. Personally we can’t wait for Vincent Gallo to adapt The Very Hungry Caterpillar, but only because he’ll probably make it about blowjobs) $32,470,000

2 - Law Abiding Citizen (So we have to wait until December to see Where The Wild Things Are, but Law Abiding Citizen is released here a full month earlier? Thanks a lot, God. You bastard) $21,250,000

3 - Paranormal Activity (When Steven Spielberg watched Paranormal Activity, he became so convinced that his DVD was haunted that he’d only carry it around if it was tied up inside a binbag. In other news, Steven Spielberg is a twunt) $20,163,000

4 - Couples Retreat (Just two exclamation marks stop this film’s title from being a fairly accurate review for any married people who are planning to go and see it) $17,949,000

5 - The Stepfather (Locke from Lost was in the original version of The Stepfather, you know. That’s the only thing we know about it. No joke here, sorry) $12,300,000

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Note to Megan Fox: Some people don’t like being called Hitler – especially when they’re your boss.

Apparently, in retaliation for her Hitler jibe, Michael Bay has decided to kill Megan Fox off in Transformers 3. If you ask us, he’s gone light on Megan – after all, this is a man who would blow up a children’s nursery if it got in between him and a badly conceptualised script.

It appears Megan Fox may have to find another franchise to cavort around in with a smug, self-satisfied look on her face. She’s reportedly going to be killed off in the upcoming Transformers sequel, imaginatively under the working title of  Transformers 3. Oh, spoilers!

It is hard to imagine the franchise going on without Megan Fox. After all, she lent so much to the films – for instance, there’s that bit where she leans over the car in the first film and, er, that bit where she leans over the motorcycle in the sequel.

If you are unfamiliar with the war of words between Fox and her Transformers director Michael Bay, then let us refresh you. Megan spoke to Wonderland Magazine and had this to say about her boss:

“He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for.”

Nice. Some crew members then wrote a letter, describing poor Fox as “Dumb as a rock” and suggesting that working with her is a”tedious experience“. More was said, but you have to feel sorry for the poor girl – or you would if she didn’t walk around with the equally vacant faced Robert Patterson.

It all looks like doom and gloom for Hollywood’s favourite pair of funbags, as rumours say she might not be part of the mega-franchise much longer – insiders tell In Touch Weekly that Bay is picking up his red and yellow crayons and writing Fox out of the series in a gory (and surely explosive) death scene, so that he can replace her with a newer, hotter, younger actress.

“Michael’s pretty much discovered Megan and now he’s very quietly looking for her replacement,” the source spilled. “He hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared.”

It’s okay though, Megan. You’ve got a successful movie career, two talents and a comfortable-looking ass to fall back on. Why, there’s that new film Jennifer’s Body that went straight to the bottom of the top 10 in the US. You’ll be alright, we’re sure there are plenty of directors out there dying to work with a one-note, robotic, self-absorbed actor famous for their bad relations with film crews.

Wait, we think we can hear the phone ringing. It’s McG, he wants to know if you’ll be in the next Terminator movie.

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Good for Vince Vaughn. After Fred Claus and Four Christmases, people thought he could only make godawful Christmas films.

But who’s laughing now? Couples Retreat – the newest Vince Vaughn movie – is the number one movie at the weekend box office, so take that everyone. Couples Retreat has proved once and for all that Vince Vaughn doesn’t only make godawful Christmas films – he makes godawful films that are completely independent of traditional religious festivals, as well. Vince Vaughn wins again!

Oh, and Couples Retreat co-star Jon Favreau wins again, too! God knows how badly that man needed a hit movie.

So Couples Retreat is the number one movie at the US weekend box office. We for one are pleased to hear it – after all, it has a who’s who of comedy for a cast list, including Fred Claus, that fat bloke who always has bit-parts in Vince Vaughn films, the woman from Ben Stiller’s forgotten 2007 The Heartbreak Kid remake, Leon, the least interesting one from Sex And The City, someone from Who’s Your Caddy and Jason Bateman from Teenwolf Too. That has weekend box office success written all over it, doesn’t it?

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. Let’s crack on with the weekend box office top five…

1 – Couples Retreat (We’re disappointed that Couples Retreat is the weekend box office number one, because its success might stop Vince Vaughn from making any more Christmas movies. Because, come on, what says Christmas more than a fat bloke endlessly yammering a bunch of directionless flabby ad-libs in an embarrassing film that you feel somehow tricked into watching?) $35,340,000

2 - Zombieland (Hands up who else heard that Zombieland was a movie about a violent idiot running around a land full of drooling, unthinking walking cadavers and immediately assumed that it was a documentary about the Isle Of Sheppy? No? Just us?) $15,000,000

3 - Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs (Let’s just all agree that we ran out of things to say about this movie long ago and move on. Deal?) $12,000,000

4 - Toy Story / Toy Story 2 (3D) (Looks like re-releasing Toy Story in 3D made a lot of financial success. And that means one thing – the Alvin & The Chipmunks 3D re-release can only be days away. Hooray!) $7,674,000

5 - Paranormal Activity (A Blair Witch-style mockumentary that some people are calling the scariest film ever. By people who haven’t seen Big Momma’s House 2, presumably) $7,066,000

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Big week for the weekend box office this week – just look at all the incredible films that were released on Friday.

There was Michael Moore’s latest, searingly topical, effort. Drew Barrymore’s debut as a director. The latest breathlessly-anticipated movie by The Coen Brothers. That Ricky Gervais film that’s garnered glowing reviews from all corners. Which one of these equally worthy new releases ended up topping the US weekend box office chart?

Oh, it was Zombieland. A film about Woody Harrelson shooting a bunch of zombies while wearing a funny hat. Of course – why didn’t we think of that?

Sorry if we came off as a bit cynical in the last paragraph. We didn’t mean to be. In fact we’re actually thrilled that Zombieland has topped the weekend box office. For one, Zombieland actually looks sort of fun. And also it’s nice to see Woody Harrelson do something other than write meandering letters about his birthday to judges to try and stop Wesley Snipes from going to prison.

But mostly we’re thrilled that Zombieland is the weekend box office number one because it’s a comedy-horror. And Jennifer’s Body was a comedy-horror. And everyone said that Jennifer’s Body failed because it was a comedy-horror. But Zombieland’s success has destroyed that argument, so hopefully it means we can go back to thinking that Jennifer’s Body failed because Megan Fox isn’t very good at acting. Works for us. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Zombieland (A film that asks you to imagine that, to ensure the survival of the human race, you have to constantly be in close proximity to Woody Harrelson. And it isn’t even a morbidly depressing melodrama. Weird) $25,000,000

2 - Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs (A movie where people eat things that fall from the sky isn’t really so fanciful. True, we say that six weeks into our new Hailstones And Pigeon Shit diet, but so what?) $16,700,000

3 - Toy Story/ Toy Story 2 (3D) (Yay! Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3D! Brilliant! Hopefully the royalty cheques will stop Tim Allen from making any more films for a while! Yay!) $12,500,000

4 - The Invention of Lying (Some are saying that The Invention Of Lying’s modest opening is a sign that Stephen Merchant was really the funny one all along. This is obviously stupid because, as The Office and Extras proved, the funny one was always Fat Keith and Dean Gaffney respectively) $7,350,000

5 - Surrogates (If the producers of Surrogates had just called the movie Bruce Willis In A Silly Wig, we’re sure it would have done much better. Please note that the tactic wouldn’t work as well for Nicolas Cage films, because Nicolas Cage In A Silly Wig could easily refer to any Nicolas Cage film ever) $7,344,000

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