Right. Here’s the future. In the year 200andGoogleitbecausewedidnot, once all the disinfectant from Leona Lewis’ Olympic Opening Ceremony Performance has sterilized Britain, there is to be some exciting news. Naomi Watts is going to do exactly what Meryl Streep has just done here in 2012.
But she’s going to do it slightly more creepier – and be all PRINCESS DIANA and everything.
Okay. Quick reminder on who Princess Diana is, just before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and starts holding aloft an ironic piece of bunting with a smashed arm of a princess on it or something.
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Ever since we all saw David Hasselhoff drunkenly eating a hamburger off the floor while berating his daughter, we’ve all thrilled at how damaged the former Baywatcher is. Not to mention that whole being under the impression he brought down the iron curtain in Germany thing.
The Hoff, for reasons only unclear to him, is one of our favourite celebrities to mockingly enjoy.
And, the good news is, is that he really hasn’t learned a thing. He’s as deluded as ever, growing his peas above sticks and saying, without a trace of irony, that he wants A-List superstar Russell Crowe for the Knight Rider Movie. That’d be the Knight Rider Movie which doesn’t ever, ever look like getting general release.
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Hey! Comic nerds! Fancy picking holes in something? Then step right up, because we’ve got the newest teaser of the new web-slinging flick, The Amazing Spider-Man, which has been trailed at special preview events around the world.
The latest incarnation of Spiderman (it’s pronounced like a surname, etc) is played by Andrew Garfield, and we get to see the full thing – and berate it for not being quite right – in July.
So what can we expect? Well, this time ’round, we’ll see Peter Parker being bullied at school. Yep. Bullied like a big wimp. No wonder he had a chip on his shoulder. We also see the usual testing of web-firing gadgets and, better yet, the birth of the villainous Lizard played by Rhys Ifans (the one in the underpants in that film).
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The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe. For he was Harry Potter. From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things. And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.
But no more!
The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth. WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!
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One of the big talking points from the Super Bowl commercial break was… well… Clint Eastwood. Away from that though, there’s a little excitement surrounding the trailer for Marvel’s The Avengers movie.
While most superhero flicks are brooding like Batman at the moment, it appears that The Avengers film is going to be pleasingly dumb, if the trailer is anything to go by.
So if you want to see it, strap in and watch things explode with Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) and Hulk get into a giant scrap with a fella with long, greasy hair.
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Do you hate everything yet? Do you wake up angry, in cold sweats thinking “this is all just terrible. We have one chance at a viable, enjoyable life and yet the culture we digest is diluted, spoon-fed nonsense with people who are inexplicably famous, we should be worth far more than this” and then carve “4REAL” into your arm?
No? Well, here’s some news.
The Only Way is Essex (sigh) star (double sigh) Mark Wright is going to be included in an artform enjoyed by Kirk Douglas and Robert DeNiro as the boyfriend of Kelly Brook’s character in a film with Danny Dyer and oh don’t you just want to shoot people now?
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Have you seen Domino? It’s just about the worst film ever made. That includes the ill-advised Garbage Pail Kids movie which some idiot wasted his money on making. And the reason that Domino is so bad lays entirely at the feet of the godawful Keira Knightley – an English accent designed to occupy a thong.
Of course, criticism and Keira are common bedfellows. Where Knightley goes, people muttering about how dismal she is, is never far away.
Apart from in glorious America, where they’re dim enough to like her. The USofA is just about the only country gullible enough to buy her schtick of being a not-ugly posh English girl of no-fixed-talent. And she’s noticed.
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Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career.
We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up a word document instead.
Now make a list of all the Matthew Broderick films of which you can remember. Done that? Now cross out all the ones that weren’t artistic travesties. Come on, be honest with yourselves. By the way if you didn’t cross out Godzilla it’s probably best if you cease this exercie immediately.
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