Movie Gossip
Weekend Box Office: Avat… What? No Avatar? Seriously?
You know, many people were expecting Avatar to be top of the weekend box office until the end of time. After all, it had everything. Guns, explosions, robots, sexy lady aliens with boobs, you name it. However, here's where the people got it wrong - it's only boys who like that stuff. Girls like different things. Girls like sensitive boys and crying and scenes of sensitive boys kissing crying girls on construction sites in rainstorms. And where was all that in Avatar? Nowhere, that's where. And that's why the new weekend box office number one is Dear John, which is either the greatest movie ever made or an awful piece of crap, depending on how many fallopian tubes you own.
You know, many people were expecting Avatar to be top of the weekend box office until the end of time. After all, it had everything. Guns, explosions, robots, sexy lady aliens with boobs, you name it. However, here's where the people got it wrong - it's only boys who like that stuff. Girls like different things. Girls like sensitive boys and crying and scenes of sensitive boys kissing crying girls on construction sites in rainstorms. And where was all that in Avatar? Nowhere, that's where. And that's why the new weekend box office number one is Dear John, which is either the greatest movie ever made or an awful piece of crap, depending on how many fallopian tubes you own.
Sandra Bullock: Simultaneously Brilliant And Crap
The Oscar nominations are being announced today, and Sandra Bullock looks likely to earn a best actress nod. Hooray! However, the Razzie nominations were announced yesterday, and Sandra Bullock has definitely earned a worst actress nomination. Hooray! They're for different films, of course - Sandra Bullock will get her Oscar nomination for The Blind Side, a slushy real-life drama about an American footballer we've never heard of; and the Razzie nomination is for All About Steve, a film where Sandra Bullock plays a boot-obsessed crossword compiler who falls down a hole. Or maybe it's the other way around. Oh, we've lost the ability to tell.
The Oscar nominations are being announced today, and Sandra Bullock looks likely to earn a best actress nod. Hooray! However, the Razzie nominations were announced yesterday, and Sandra Bullock has definitely earned a worst actress nomination. Hooray! They're for different films, of course - Sandra Bullock will get her Oscar nomination for The Blind Side, a slushy real-life drama about an American footballer we've never heard of; and the Razzie nomination is for All About Steve, a film where Sandra Bullock plays a boot-obsessed crossword compiler who falls down a hole. Or maybe it's the other way around. Oh, we've lost the ability to tell.
Weekend Box Office: Avatar? Again? Really?
So now it's official. Avatar is the biggest film of all time, unless of course you're accounting for inflation. Because then it's Gone With The Wind. But, hey, even when you account for inflation Avatar is still the 26th biggest movie of all time. The 26th biggest movie! That's awesome, Avatar! Why, that makes you almost as good as... oh, Grease. Well, never mind. At least you're beating Shrek 2. Just about. Why are we telling you this? Because Avatar is still the number one movie at the weekend box office, and we've completely run out of things to say about it. You'd better hope that it's not top of the weekend box office next week, because if it is we're going to use this space to discuss our ingrown toenail in unnecessary detail.
So now it's official. Avatar is the biggest film of all time, unless of course you're accounting for inflation. Because then it's Gone With The Wind. But, hey, even when you account for inflation Avatar is still the 26th biggest movie of all time. The 26th biggest movie! That's awesome, Avatar! Why, that makes you almost as good as... oh, Grease. Well, never mind. At least you're beating Shrek 2. Just about. Why are we telling you this? Because Avatar is still the number one movie at the weekend box office, and we've completely run out of things to say about it. You'd better hope that it's not top of the weekend box office next week, because if it is we're going to use this space to discuss our ingrown toenail in unnecessary detail.
Grammys Eulogise Michael Jackson In Three Glorious Dimensions
Missed the Grammys last night? You didn't miss a lot. Beyonce won everything. Lady Gaga wore some funny clothes. It went on forever. You know, the usual. However, since last night marked the first Grammy awards since Michael Jackson died - or since Michael Jackson started making money for the music industry again, if that's how you'd prefer to look at it - viewers were treated to an extravagant all-star 3D rendition of Earth Song designed to pay tribute to the man. It had something for everyone - Michael Jackson fans could tearfully witness their hero get the acknowledgement he deserved, while people who weren't Michael Jackson fans could simply soak in the depth of field and heavy-handed environmental message and pretend that they were watching a new version of Avatar, albeit one with funnier-looking aliens.
Missed the Grammys last night? You didn't miss a lot. Beyonce won everything. Lady Gaga wore some funny clothes. It went on forever. You know, the usual. However, since last night marked the first Grammy awards since Michael Jackson died - or since Michael Jackson started making money for the music industry again, if that's how you'd prefer to look at it - viewers were treated to an extravagant all-star 3D rendition of Earth Song designed to pay tribute to the man. It had something for everyone - Michael Jackson fans could tearfully witness their hero get the acknowledgement he deserved, while people who weren't Michael Jackson fans could simply soak in the depth of field and heavy-handed environmental message and pretend that they were watching a new version of Avatar, albeit one with funnier-looking aliens.
Wall Street 2 Trailer! Decoded!
Who's looking forward to Wall Street 2, huh? It's going to be just like Wall Street, but Shia LaBeouf's in it. Anybody? Anybody looking forward to it? No? Well stuff you all, then, because the first trailer for Wall Street 2 - which has now officially been given the dunder-headed title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - has hit the internet. Yes, you're right to be excited. Or interested. Or utterly apathetic. Or whatever it is you are. Want to see the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer? Then you'd better read on. And if the chaotic mixture of sounds and images is too much for your brain to comprehend, we're also going to analyse the arse off it. For you...
Who's looking forward to Wall Street 2, huh? It's going to be just like Wall Street, but Shia LaBeouf's in it. Anybody? Anybody looking forward to it? No? Well stuff you all, then, because the first trailer for Wall Street 2 - which has now officially been given the dunder-headed title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - has hit the internet. Yes, you're right to be excited. Or interested. Or utterly apathetic. Or whatever it is you are. Want to see the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer? Then you'd better read on. And if the chaotic mixture of sounds and images is too much for your brain to comprehend, we're also going to analyse the arse off it. For you...
Kristen Stewart Discusses Her Dakota Fanning Kissy Kiss
That Kristen Stewart is such a lucky girl - she gets to kiss all the hotties. Robert Pattinson. Taylor Lautner. Dakota Fanning. Honestly, she's - hang on! Dakota Fanning? The creepy four-year-old from War Of The Worlds? What the hell is Kristen Stewart doing kissing Dakota Fanning? Doesn't she realise that Dakota Fanning a) is a girl, b) is about four years old and c) permanently carries the grim, haunted expression of a girl who's just been asked to show a policeman where daddy touched her on a doll? Oh, it was all for a non-Twilight related film? Phew, that's good news. At least this way nobody will actually end up seeing it.
That Kristen Stewart is such a lucky girl - she gets to kiss all the hotties. Robert Pattinson. Taylor Lautner. Dakota Fanning. Honestly, she's - hang on! Dakota Fanning? The creepy four-year-old from War Of The Worlds? What the hell is Kristen Stewart doing kissing Dakota Fanning? Doesn't she realise that Dakota Fanning a) is a girl, b) is about four years old and c) permanently carries the grim, haunted expression of a girl who's just been asked to show a policeman where daddy touched her on a doll? Oh, it was all for a non-Twilight related film? Phew, that's good news. At least this way nobody will actually end up seeing it.
Weekend Box Office – Alright Avatar, Don’t Take The Piss
OK Avatar, you've had your fun. Avatar has been top of the weekend box office forever now, but enough's enough. You can stop now. Because, sure, Avatar is all pretty and inoffensive and broadly spiritual and all that nonsense, but this week you all went to see Avatar instead of Legion - a film about a swearing old lady turning into a giant spider and crawling across the ceiling of a diner until a man blasts her down with a shotgun. It's a film about Paul Bettany trying to kill God with a machine gun, for crying out loud. And yet you all went to see Avatar, a film about a forest that lights up like a Samsung HD TV commercial, instead. You people, honestly.
OK Avatar, you've had your fun. Avatar has been top of the weekend box office forever now, but enough's enough. You can stop now. Because, sure, Avatar is all pretty and inoffensive and broadly spiritual and all that nonsense, but this week you all went to see Avatar instead of Legion - a film about a swearing old lady turning into a giant spider and crawling across the ceiling of a diner until a man blasts her down with a shotgun. It's a film about Paul Bettany trying to kill God with a machine gun, for crying out loud. And yet you all went to see Avatar, a film about a forest that lights up like a Samsung HD TV commercial, instead. You people, honestly.
China Bans Avatar, Chinese Stoners Devastated
Some say that Avatar will soon become the most popular movie of all time - but not if China has its way. To China, Avatar is a threat. Chinese authorities have grown displeased at the central message of Avatar - which is either 'the white man will save you, primitive savages' or 'all white men are evil' or 'nature is beautiful' or 'it's fun to spiritually connect with horses by shoving your hair up their bum' - and have started to ban it from cinemas. But it's too late. Avatar's cultural revolution will not be stopped. Now, switched on by Avatar, millions of Chinese people are furious that their government is standing in the way of their God-given right to watch 3D films that are too long and based on hacky Hallmark-style sentiments about woolly, ill-defined spiritualism. And this is how Communism ends.
Some say that Avatar will soon become the most popular movie of all time - but not if China has its way. To China, Avatar is a threat. Chinese authorities have grown displeased at the central message of Avatar - which is either 'the white man will save you, primitive savages' or 'all white men are evil' or 'nature is beautiful' or 'it's fun to spiritually connect with horses by shoving your hair up their bum' - and have started to ban it from cinemas. But it's too late. Avatar's cultural revolution will not be stopped. Now, switched on by Avatar, millions of Chinese people are furious that their government is standing in the way of their God-given right to watch 3D films that are too long and based on hacky Hallmark-style sentiments about woolly, ill-defined spiritualism. And this is how Communism ends.
