Celebrity Gossip
Rihanna Discusses New Album And, You Know, Stuff
It's easy to think of Rihanna as simply an idiot's punchbag instead of a singer with a new album out soon. But she is a singer. And she does have an album out soon. So let's talk about that instead. In an interview with Glamour magazine, Rihanna said of her forthcoming album that her goal was to make a record that both Lil Wayne and Kings Of Leon would love. On second thoughts, let's just talk about her brush with domestic violence instead. We think you'll find it slightly less depressing than talking about Kings Of Leon in any meaningful way.
It's easy to think of Rihanna as simply an idiot's punchbag instead of a singer with a new album out soon. But she is a singer. And she does have an album out soon. So let's talk about that instead. In an interview with Glamour magazine, Rihanna said of her forthcoming album that her goal was to make a record that both Lil Wayne and Kings Of Leon would love. On second thoughts, let's just talk about her brush with domestic violence instead. We think you'll find it slightly less depressing than talking about Kings Of Leon in any meaningful way.
Kim Basinger To Probably Not Win Any Oscars Next Year, Then
Do you like everything that Steve Martin has ever done, and everything that Alec Baldwin has ever done, and the Oscars? You do? Then you're probably the only one. Oh, and also we've got some wonderful news for you. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are going to host the Oscars next year! That's right - the hilarious brain behind The Jerk and the glowering show-stealer from Glengarry Glen Ross are combining forces to host the most glittering night in the Hollywood calendar! Or the old man from The Pink Panther 2 and the fat bloke from Thomas And The Magic Railroad are combining forces to trudge through six hours of smug backslappery that nobody really watches any more. One or the other.
Do you like everything that Steve Martin has ever done, and everything that Alec Baldwin has ever done, and the Oscars? You do? Then you're probably the only one. Oh, and also we've got some wonderful news for you. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are going to host the Oscars next year! That's right - the hilarious brain behind The Jerk and the glowering show-stealer from Glengarry Glen Ross are combining forces to host the most glittering night in the Hollywood calendar! Or the old man from The Pink Panther 2 and the fat bloke from Thomas And The Magic Railroad are combining forces to trudge through six hours of smug backslappery that nobody really watches any more. One or the other.
Now Kate Gosselin Is Sorry For Everything As Well, Honest
Aside from depressing the world silly, there's nothing that Jon and Kate Gosselin like more than a good old competition. Remember when Jon and Kate split up? They had a competition to see who was the biggest underdog. And then that somehow gave way to their competition to see who could come off as the most genuinely abhorrent. And now they're having a competition to see who can be more sorry for their behaviour. On Sunday Jon Gosselin told a Jewish Centre that he was sorry for everything, but Kate's not taking that sitting down - she's appeared on TV to tell the world that she's so sorry for every single thing she's ever done in her entire life that it sometimes makes her poo blood. Or something.
Aside from depressing the world silly, there's nothing that Jon and Kate Gosselin like more than a good old competition. Remember when Jon and Kate split up? They had a competition to see who was the biggest underdog. And then that somehow gave way to their competition to see who could come off as the most genuinely abhorrent. And now they're having a competition to see who can be more sorry for their behaviour. On Sunday Jon Gosselin told a Jewish Centre that he was sorry for everything, but Kate's not taking that sitting down - she's appeared on TV to tell the world that she's so sorry for every single thing she's ever done in her entire life that it sometimes makes her poo blood. Or something.
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: Not A Couple (Unless They Are)
We don't know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life. We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple. But, sadly, they're not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they've broken up. But they haven't. Probably. Unless they're not. Clear?
We don't know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life. We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple. But, sadly, they're not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they've broken up. But they haven't. Probably. Unless they're not. Clear?
Rihanna Describes What A Turd Chris Brown Is
Rihanna's ready to move on with her life and release that cheery ditty about shooting herself in the chest. But she can't. There's unfinished business left. Before people can accept her as a singer again, they want Rihanna to answer a few questions about Chris Brown. Sadly, though, those question aren't 'What's up with his teeth?' or 'Doesn't he realise that he looks like a dickhead in that bowtie?' - they're more about domestic violence. And Rihanna says it could happen to anyone. Well, anyone who ever goes near Chris Brown because he's such a monumental titstick, at least. We think that was her point.
Rihanna's ready to move on with her life and release that cheery ditty about shooting herself in the chest. But she can't. There's unfinished business left. Before people can accept her as a singer again, they want Rihanna to answer a few questions about Chris Brown. Sadly, though, those question aren't 'What's up with his teeth?' or 'Doesn't he realise that he looks like a dickhead in that bowtie?' - they're more about domestic violence. And Rihanna says it could happen to anyone. Well, anyone who ever goes near Chris Brown because he's such a monumental titstick, at least. We think that was her point.
The Spice Girls To Disappointingly Open 2012 Olympics
When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads. Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that's not all. There's also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we're worried about following China's $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there's always Plan B - giving The Spice Girls some work again.
When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads. Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that's not all. There's also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we're worried about following China's $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there's always Plan B - giving The Spice Girls some work again.
Jon Gosselin Admits That He’s A Galactic Mimsy
Jon Gosselin has had an epiphany. And, no, epiphany isn't the name of a new experimental hair-replacement procedure. He's had a real epiphany. Whisper it, but Jon Gosselin might have worked out what an unstoppable bellend he is. Yesterday at the Manhattan West Side Jewish Centre, Jon plucked up the courage to tell all and sundry that his 'moral compass' has been all out of whack. And it seems genuine. Jon Gosselin seems truly sorry for everything he's done. And we're sure he'll continue to explain exactly how sorry he is in his new book, TV show, range of ornamental ceramics and any other method he think of to stop him getting a real job.
Jon Gosselin has had an epiphany. And, no, epiphany isn't the name of a new experimental hair-replacement procedure. He's had a real epiphany. Whisper it, but Jon Gosselin might have worked out what an unstoppable bellend he is. Yesterday at the Manhattan West Side Jewish Centre, Jon plucked up the courage to tell all and sundry that his 'moral compass' has been all out of whack. And it seems genuine. Jon Gosselin seems truly sorry for everything he's done. And we're sure he'll continue to explain exactly how sorry he is in his new book, TV show, range of ornamental ceramics and any other method he think of to stop him getting a real job.
Mel Gibson Has Baby Girl, Possibly Names It Sugartits
Mel Gibson must be over the moon - he's finally got enough children to become the star of his own reality TV show. Imagine what a perfect show that would be. It'd be almost exactly like Jon & Kate Plus 8, if only the internal dynamic of that show was based on Jon Gosselin's constant struggle to avoid another full-blown anti-Semitic alcoholic relapse instead of John Gosselin's constant struggle to stop the world seeing how bald he's going. But anyway, our point is that Mel Gibson became the father of his eighth baby on Friday. Mother and baby are fine, but the father can be a bit of a dick sometimes.
Mel Gibson must be over the moon - he's finally got enough children to become the star of his own reality TV show. Imagine what a perfect show that would be. It'd be almost exactly like Jon & Kate Plus 8, if only the internal dynamic of that show was based on Jon Gosselin's constant struggle to avoid another full-blown anti-Semitic alcoholic relapse instead of John Gosselin's constant struggle to stop the world seeing how bald he's going. But anyway, our point is that Mel Gibson became the father of his eighth baby on Friday. Mother and baby are fine, but the father can be a bit of a dick sometimes.
