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Celebrity Gossip

Scott Weiland Jailed, Stone Temple Pilots Reunion Sadly Still On

by Stuart Heritage

Sacked Velvet Revolver singer and My First Nazi Gollum dollset life model Scott Weiland is going to jail.

In what’ll cap off a particularly rubbish opening third of 2008 for him, Scott Weiland has been sentenced to eight days in jail for crashing his car drunk in Los Angeles last November – a charge that he can add to another DUI from 2003, some drug offences from the 1990s and a domestic violence charge from 2001.

Still, eight days in jail isn’t that bad – it’s lucky that the judge didn’t take Scott Weiland’s music into consideration when reaching the sentence, otherwise he’d have been given life. In solitary confinement. On a dung heap. Up afarty dragon’s bottom. On the moon.

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Scarlett Johansson Doesn’t Have Hepatitis Like You Thought

by Stuart Heritage

Chances are that the sole reason you haven’t had sex with Scarlett Johansson yet is because she looks like she’s got hepatitis.

Well fear not. Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have hepatitis. At all. And, for some reason we haven’t worked out yet, she really, really wants you to know that. In what might go down in history as the weirdest sudden statement made by a celebrity ever, Scarlett Johansson recently decided to blurt out:

“People think I’m going to be some brazen harlot, but I’m not out there with every Tom, Dick and Harry or catching hepatitis.”

And you know what? Good for Scarlett Johansson. She’s making a stand for all women who don’t feel like they have to be enslaved by the patriarchal ideal of an obedient woman, and she’s absolutely free to discuss her sex life however she sees fit. Bravo, Scarlett.

Although we can’t help noticing that Scarlett Johannson completely failed to mention whether or not she’s out there catching syphilis, herpes, gonorrhoea, chlamydia or genital warts. The dirty cow.

Scarlett went into all kinds of other weirdness in her interview, but you can click the link below to read more of it on Dietpixie.

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Scarlett Johansson insists: ‘I don’t have sexually transmitted diseases’ – Dietpixie

Chances are that the sole reason you haven't had sex with Scarlett Johansson yet is because she looks like she's got hepatitis. Well fear not. Scarlett Johansson doesn't have hepatitis. At all. And, for some reason we haven't worked out yet, she really, really wants you to know that. In what might go down in history as the weirdest sudden statement made by a celebrity ever, Scarlett Johansson recently decided to blurt out: “People think I’m going to be some brazen harlot, but I’m not out there with every Tom, Dick and Harry or catching hepatitis.” And you know what? Good for Scarlett Johansson. She's making a stand for all women who don't feel like they have to be enslaved by the patriarchal ideal of an obedient woman, and she's absolutely free to discuss her sex life however she sees fit. Bravo, Scarlett. Although we can't help noticing that Scarlett Johannson completely failed to mention whether or not she's out there catching syphilis, herpes, gonorrhoea, chlamydia or genital warts. The dirty cow. Scarlett went into all kinds of other weirdness in her interview, but you can click the link below to read more of it on Dietpixie. Read more: Scarlett Johansson insists: ‘I don’t have sexually transmitted diseases’ - Dietpixie
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Spitzer’s Whore Sues Girls Gone Wild For All Sorts Of Cash

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve got nothing but sympathy for Ashley Dupre – after all, who hasn’t performed sexual acts on a high-ranking politician for cash these days?

And if a scandal about you being a massive whore with a slightly gross-looking New York governor isn’t bad enough, the inevitable follow-up story about the way you took your clothes off for a teen-exploiting series ofsoftcore videos is just utterly degrading.

That’s why we’re fully behind Ashley Alexandra’s decision to sue Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for $10 million because he quickly released a 2003 video of her flashing her breasts in the wake of the scandal as a money-making enterprise. She’s completely correct – if she didn’t chase Joe Francis for cash, then what kind of filthy prostitute would AshleyDupre be? A shit one, that’s what.

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Warning: Gary Coleman’s Bad Marriage Coming Soon To A TV Near You

by hecklerspray staff

Wow, Gary Coleman divorce details already?? But, but …but we’re so unprepared.

We thought we had a good three or four more days to prepare our impending Gary Coleman busted up marriage list of mockings and general sardonicism. Apparently not.

Yeah, Gary Coleman’s marriage is going down fast, but that doesn’t mean the Coleman’s aren’t going kick, piledrive and thwomp a dead horse with blunt objects to get as much publicity and exposure out of it as they possibly can. Thus, Gary Coleman and his wife are going to hash out the inevitably queasy details from their dysfunctional marriage for you on the ever so classy TV show Divorce Court. Giddyup.

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Annie Leibovitz Says Sorry About Miley Cyrus, Sort Of

by Stuart Heritage

There’s an angry mob forming over those ‘topless’ Miley Cyrus pictures in Vanity Fair – but the question is, whose house shall we burn down first?

We can’t burn down Miley Cyrus’ house because she’s already apologised to her fans and blamed all the evil grown-ups for exploiting her – so that just leaves Annie Leibovitz, the woman who took the photos of Miley Cyrus in the first place. Let’s get her!

Except we can’t, because Annie Leibovitz has apologised for the Miley Cyrus photos as well. OK, maybe ‘apologised’ is a strong word – instead Annie Leibovitz has called everyone stupid for not appreciating the beauty of her art, but she phrased it like an apology. An apology that we accept. We think. Oh, we’re so confused. Let’s burn down the camera factories!

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David Beckham Shacks Up With A Muppet

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re honest, Sesame Street was probably your primary educator as a child, which is why you said ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’ until you were 15, you giant halfwit.

But these days it looks as if Sesame Street’s standards have slipped a little. Previous Sesame Street guests have included Maya Angelou, Buzz Aldrin, Lou Rawls, BB King and one of Cheech And Chong. But who’s the latest celebrity name to hit Sesame Street? Noted intellectual David Beckham, that’s who.

However, as weird as it may seem for David Beckham to appear on Sesame Street, we’re sure that mixing Beckham together with toddlers and gonkish puppets will only yield positive results. Who knows, David Beckham might even learn how to count up to six if he concentrates hard enough.

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Hilary Duff To Be In New 90210 Series?

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves Hilary Duff – they love that TV show she was in, whatever it was called, and all those songs of hers that nobody can remember.

Yup, that Hilary Duff’s a hot piece of property at the moment, or at least she would be if we could work out what the point of her was. You know what Hilary Duff would be great in? A creatively-bankrupt revisiting of a TV series that everyone stopped liking about 18 months into its 10-year run almost 20 years ago.

What’s that? There’s a part going spare in the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off? Well that’s certainly very fortunate for both Hilary Duff and Beverly Hills 90210. Not so much for us, though – we think Beverly Hills 90210 is going to be shit and that Hilary Duff’s a wanker.

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer: Either Dating Or Quite Hungry

by Stuart Heritage

All anyone wants for Jennifer Aniston is happiness – a quiet, private happiness that makes her so happy she stops making films.

And, fingers crossed, she might have just stumbled onto it. It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston may have found love with squidge-faced bluesman John Mayer after the pair of them were both seen eating in a restaurant with ‘their heads close together.’ Sounds like love to us.

If it’s true it’s nice to see that Jennifer Aniston has successfully moved on from Brad Pitt once and for all, and has learnt her lesson about getting into relationships with tedious-looking prettyboys by getting into a relationship with a… oh. Never mind.

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Oprah Winfrey Discusses Tom Cruise’s Arse In Horrible Detail

by Stuart Heritage

This week’s rematch between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey looks set to be the most exciting self-serving marketing stunt of the year!

However, we didn’t know what Tom Cruise and Oprah were going to discuss during Tom’s interview – until now. Because now it seems like it’s mostly about Tom Cruise’s arse.

Part of Oprah’s interview – conducted at Tom Cruise’s Colorado home – involved Oprah riding on Tom’s snowmobile, an experience that left Oprah blithering on about Tom Cruise’s butt and adding that she now knows what Katie Holmes sees in him. Financial gain despite an outwardly unconvincing relationship? Yep, actually that sounds about right.

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Miley Cyrus Topless Photo: The Dim-Witted Apology

by Stuart Heritage

Paedophile wish-fulfillment tweenbot Miley Cyrus is at it again – and this time her 15-year-old breasts are coming along for the ride too.

As if the recent internet photos of Miley Cyrus whipping her bra out around rolling on a boy’s lap in her underwear weren’t enough, now the web is abuzz with a brand new picture – a picture that showsMiley Cyrus completely topless, or at least as topless as you can be when you’re covered in a blanket. And what’s more, this topless Miley Cyrus photo was taken for well-known spank rag Vanity Fair by that filthy pornographer Annie Leibovitz.

OK, so what actually happened was that one of the world’s most famous photographers took a picture of Miley Cyrus that isn’t really very naked in the slightest. But, hey, that hasn’t stopped Miley Cyrus from apologising for it, the stupid teenage twit.

Paedophile wish-fulfillment tweenbot Miley Cyrus is at it again - and this time her 15-year-old breasts are coming along for the ride too. As if the recent internet photos of Miley Cyrus whipping her bra out around rolling on a boy's lap in her underwear weren't enough, now the web is abuzz with a brand new picture - a picture that showsMiley Cyrus completely topless, or at least as topless as you can be when you're covered in a blanket. And what's more, this topless Miley Cyrus photo was taken for well-known spank rag Vanity Fair by that filthy pornographer Annie Leibovitz. OK, so what actually happened was that one of the world's most famous photographers took a picture of Miley Cyrus that isn't really very naked in the slightest. But, hey, that hasn't stopped Miley Cyrus from apologising for it, the stupid teenage twit.
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