From the category archives:

Celebrity Gossip

Mariah Carey: Now Not Shutting Up About Her Bloody Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like ‘hey, look at me’, but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity.

This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn’t want to sully that by making it public. That’s our definition of dignity.

Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren’t directly looking at can see that you’re married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently.

Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.

You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like 'hey, look at me', but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity. This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn't want to sully that by making it public. That's our definition of dignity. Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren't directly looking at can see that you're married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently. Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.
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DMX Continues To Drive Cars Like A Bellend

by Stuart Heritage

There are plenty of places you don’t want to see DMX – like in a movie, for example. Actually, mainly a movie. Seriously, have you seen Father Of Lies?

But one other place where you don’t want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he’s flipping well at it again.

DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There’s just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn’t there? It’s like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.

There are plenty of places you don't want to see DMX - like in a movie, for example. Actually, mainly a movie. Seriously, have you seen Father Of Lies? But one other place where you don't want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he's flipping well at it again. DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There's just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn't there? It's like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.
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R Kelly’s Kiddy Porn Trial Really About To Start Soon, Honest

by Stuart Heritage

Forget believing he can fly or finding ever-more inventive ways to compare his willy to a car key in songs, R Kelly is only really good at one thing.

And that’s delaying the start of his child pornography trial. For the last six years, R Kelly has kept inventing clever new tricks to put off the trial again and again – but it looks as though his luck might have run out.

At last, tomorrow will see the commencement of the jury selection process for R Kelly’s child pornography trial, effectively locking a start date down for good. And, oh boy, is that going to be one lucky jury – the judge has ruled that R Kelly’s apparently incriminating underage sex tape can be shown in open court. High fives to agreeing to watch a 14-year-old girl get urinated on by R Kelly! Anyone? No?

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We Know The Gender Of Angelina Jolie’s Pregnant Stomach-Children

by Shawn Lindseth

We heard of a woman once who was pregnant, and two weeks into her second trimester her doctor realised it was just with a cantaloupe she’d swallowed whole some months before. It sat idly in the belly because her stomach juices made it swell too big for her intestinal track.

Needless to say she delivered by cesarean and both mother and melon are doing well. The younger of the two is reportedly in kindergarten right now – and having considerable trouble learning to count.

We heard of another lady that once pooped out a handgun.

What we’re getting at here is if you’re a woman and you find your belly sick and swollen, you can never tell what’s inside you. Except for Angelina Jolie. She knows for a fact what’s in her – gender and all.

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Amy Winehouse Arrested For That Crazy Crack Video

by Stuart Heritage

You might want to sit down for this – apparently Amy Winehouse has been known to occasionally take drugs.

We know, we were shocked when we found out, too. But apparently it’s true, because Amy Winehouse was last night arrested and bailed in connection with that secretly-filmed video of her appearing to smoke crack in her flat from earlier this year.

There’s a slim chance that Amy Winehouse could face jail after this arrest, which we’d actually be OK with. Hopefully her incarceration will be timed to coincide with the release of her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That way Blake can start sleeping with a boy who looks like little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders while she’s locked up, to see how she likes it. Revenge is sweet! And quite disturbing to think about!

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Lee Ryan Done Leathered A Taxi Driver’s Head In, Court Hears

by Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing we hate it’s taxi drivers. Idiots, the lot of them, with their stupid job and their, um, shoes. And stuff.

OK, we don’t hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas.

Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don’t see how this alters our original point.

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Bride-To-Be Coleen McLoughlin Scoffs McDonald’s On Hen Do

by hecklerspray staff

From Dietpixie: WAG wife-to-be Coleen McLoughlin was been snapped eating fast food from McDonald’s in Miami’s airport last week.

There’s nothing wrong with that – a Big Mac and fries is probably the perfect tonic after months of hard dieting and exercise in preparation for your big day. And not forgetting days and nights of hard sunbathing, shopping, drinking and dancing in Florida – if you’re going to be marrying Wayne Rooney, that is.

Read the rest of this entry >>

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Tom Cruise Might Somehow Make Mission: Impossible 4

by Stuart Heritage

We’re starting to think that Oprah Winfrey is some kind of mystical genie, you know.

Just look at Tom Cruise. Just the other week he was in the worst professional state of his career, then he zipped over to Oprah and – blam – there’s suddenly a lot of talk about him returning to Paramount to make Mission: Impossible 4.

If this Mission: Impossible 4 talk is true then it’s an incredible turnaround for Tom Cruise. And just in the nick of time, too – if we all cross our fingers tight enough and maybe chant a little, then the thrill of being given a second chance to make more blockbuster movies might just turn Tom Cruise back into the obnoxiously cocksure prick that we all remember from the good old days.

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Mariah Carey Quite Pleased About Her Ridiculous Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

OK, that’s it, it’s official – Mariah Carey really is stupid enough to get married to someone she’s only known for a month.

For all the reports of Mariah Carey’s marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about.

But we can lay all that to rest now – Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn’t famous and, besides, he doesn’t really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?

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Lindsay Lohan Might Have Stolen A Coat Once Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

The world of partially uncorroborated celebrity coat-theft accusations has just got a whole lot hotter, and it’s all thanks to LindsayLohan.

According to a woman by the name of Masha Markova, Lindsay Lohan stole and was photographed wearing an $11,000 fur coat of hers in January, and it was only returned three months later after Masha started threatening everyone with lawsuits. And now MashaMarkova is chasing Lindsay Lohan for a $10,000 ‘rental fee’.

There’s been no official word from Lindsay Lohan about these accusations yet, but that’s probably just because she’s ashamed of herself. If the claims are true, you see, it means that Lindsay’s just been outwitted by a woman who leaves $11,000 fur coats lying around in bars. Nice one, shithead.

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