Jesus, we know when we’re being outdone. Most of the time, it’s when an unborn Japanese child severely beats us on FIFA. And we don’t mean by using the hand of God in extra time.

And then there’s Morrissey. Somehow, Morrissey is classed as a genius despite still singing songs that an old band of his wrote years ago and releasing solo albums that are properly gash.

Recently, Morrissey has had a bit of problems on the gig scene. He passed out in Swindon and then got twatted in the face with a cup in Liverpool. Surely it’s full steam ahead from here, right? Wrong! Continuing his tour to Hamburg, Morrissey got narked off with a fan who dared boo his miserable rant on meat-eaters. And what happened? Find out after the jump!

See what Morrissey did there? What word does Hamburg sound like? Go on, have a quick think about it, we won’t rush you. Almost there? Excellent, by now even your child should have answered ‘hamburger’. If they said hammers, then they’re probably dyslexic.

Morrissey, of course, is a vegan type person who doesn’t like people chomping on cows or drinking their milk. We don’t know what the fuss is personally – have you ever tried to make your own chocolate milk? If it wasn’t for cows producing strawberry, vanilla or chocolate flavours, we’d never get through a working day. According to NME.com, the singer became annoyed after someone mocked his shit joke on hamburgers:

“Morrissey was speaking about how “Hamburgers” should be called “Hamburgists” when the audience member shouted “fuck you” at him.”

Oh Morrissey, you are one crazy carrot-crunching vegan loon. We understand your opinion on us evil meat-eaters, but so buggery. We’re as happy as a butcher’s dog who’s just found some mouldy sausages behind the freezer when we tuck into a lunchtime sandwich that’s oozing with something that’s come from an animal.

All we can suggest to the constantly peed-off singer is to assemble an audience made completely out of fruit and vegetables. There they’ll have a wonderful time and no-one will attempt to rebel. Though they’ll stop short of burning a piece of bacon at the steak in vegan anger. It could result in a mini BBQ and cause all sorts of unwanted trouble from savages.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Chris Brown can’t change the past – if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico.

But he can change the future. And that’s Chris Brown’s prime directive right now. He doesn’t want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more – he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well.

And that’s what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an ‘extremely favourable’ community service progress report. Now that’s being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.

In all seriousness, there’s something slightly heartbreaking about Chris Brown’s efforts to atone for his attack on Rihanna in February. It’s the little touches – the slightly forlorn-looking bowtie he keeps wearing, the way he’s titled his new tour Fan Appreciaton, the videos of him playing with a young relative with a pitiful look of desperate neediness plastered all over his face – that do it. It’s tragic. We preferred Chris Brown before any of this happened. Because we didn’t really know who he was back then.

But Rihanna’s been allowed to move on with her life – apart from all the songs about violence, all the violent videos to accompany the songs and the uncomfortably graphic interviews about domestic abuse that she’s used to promote it, there’s barely a mention of the attack on her new album – and that seems as though Chris Brown wants that more than anything, too.

To prove it, Chris Brown isn’t just completing the 180 days of community service that he was sentenced with for beating up Rihanna – he’s apparently completing it really ruddy well. MTV reports:

Chris Brown appeared in a Los Angeles courtroom for a progress hearing on his probation — and in the eyes of officials, the singer has earned an “extremely favorable” report. Brown attorney Mark Geragos said in the courtroom that Brown has already completed 100 hours of community service in Richmond, Virginia. Brown has also completed seven of his 52 domestic-violence classes.

It’s a good start, but Chris Brown isn’t out of the woods yet. His community service still has a long way to run, and he’s still got 45 more domestic-violence classes to go. Right now he’s only good at domestic violence. 45 lessons down the line, though, and he’s going to be great at it.

So should we start to forgive Chris Brown for his past behaviour? It would certainly be the civilised thing to do given his level of remorse and dedication to bettering himself. Then again, if we forgive Chris Brown, he’ll probably go on to have a fairly successful long-term musical career, and we’ll have to keep writing about him all the time. So no. No we won’t forgive him. The big-toothed git.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Having watched the last season of 24, we’re fully aware that you can never trust a politician’s offspring.

Statistically, they’re all quite likely to blow up Jon Voight, and that’s a fact. They’ll blow up Jon Voight and then they’ll make their mother, President Moonface, quite sad. But it’s not just fictional political children who are trouble – Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI.

But don’t worry – she wasn’t quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. It’s funny, because if we were Alexandra Kerry we’d have stopped going to bars long ago. There are only so many times you can put up with people saying “Why the long face?” after all.

Millions of people want to be famous, but we think they’ve got this all the wrong way round. Being famous is rubbish. All that intrusion and pressure and recognition can really wear you down. No, it’s much better to be related to someone famous. That way you can pretty much drive around like a massively irresponsible tool whenever you like. It’s why Paris Hilton’s little brother was arrested for driving drunk, why Al Gore’s son was arrested for driving around on pot, why Hulk Hogan’s son wrapped his car around a tree and why John Kerry’s daughter was arrested for DUI this week.

Oh, come on. You remember John Kerry. He was going to be president of America in 2004, until people decided that he wasn’t even as good as George Bush. Dull man. Face shaped like a coffin. You remember him. Anyway, early on Thursday morning his 36-year-old daughter Alexandra was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Hollywood. And, yes, you’re right, this is an incredibly slow news day.

However, even though we think that Alexandra Kerry would actually make quite a good jailbird, on the basis that her chin is so narrow and pointy that she could easily use it to shank a nonce in the ribs, that’s not going to happen. Because, although Alexandra Kerry was drunk, she wasn’t quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. The New York Daily News reports:

Alexandra Forbes Kerry, the older of the senator’s two daughters, was pulled over for a traffic violation. “She was arrested for driving under the influence,” said Officer Sara Faden, who added that Kerry was released on $5,000 bail. Kerry refused to take Breathalyzer test at the scene. A later test showed a level of 0.06, under the legal limit of 0.08.

Good for Alexandra Kerry. She’s a model citizen who knows her limit – drunk enough to be pulled over by the police, but not drunk enough to be arrested for it. Well done, Alexandra. Well done indeed. And don’t think for a moment that her father’s status helped Alexandra Kerry escape punishment, because if you take that into consideration, you also have to take the fact that she directed the pilot episode of The Hills into consideration as well, and most right-minded people would react to that news by jamming a lethal injection straight into her neck.

Anyway, join us next week when – unless the news gets any more interesting – we’ll break the hot news that Iain Duncan Smith’s cat has got trapped in a bloody suitcase or whatever.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.

Look at how you’re treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That’s right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY.

You only love Johnny Depp for his money don’t you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion – it’s his money. We’ll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, surely Johnny Depp isn’t the sexiest man alive. Surely it’s you or – at a push – Robert Pattinson. But not Johnny Depp.” And that’s where you’d be wrong. Firstly, we’ve been ruled ineligible for People’s Sexiest Man Alive title on account of our bizarre face and horrible personality. And secondly, Robert Pattinson isn’t sexy. Yes, he makes people involuntarily wet themselves, but so does diabetes and that’s not especially sexy, is it?

So no. Forget Robert Pattinson. It’s Johnny Depp who’s the sexiest man alive. People magazine said so yesterday, so it must be true. And, yes, we know that People magazine also once said that Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey were also the sexiest men alive, but you have to forgive it for those years – it was going through a lot at work and was probably on some sort of antibiotics that impaired its judgement or something. But that’s all in the past now.

So when People magazine says that Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive, you have to believe it. Especially when it can back up its claims with stone-cold reasoning like this:

From a sexy swashbuckler in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise to quirkier roles like Edward Scissorhands, the 46-year-old star has had women swooning since his days as a teen detective on 21 Jump Street. Yet it’s his devotion to his family that really makes the actor so endearing. “I could sit there all day and do nothing but watch them grow,” he’s said of children. “I’m totally inspired by them.”

You see, men? What’s really sexy is being dependable and devoted to your family. And if that describes you, then deep down you’re as sexy as Johnny Depp. True, less people will want to sleep with you because you only wear tatty old clothes that are covered in baby sick and you generally don’t seem very motivated, plus you aren’t able to earn $35 million for dressing up in a silly costume and running around in a funny way, plus you’re flabby and pallid and balding whereas Johnny Depp is none of those things despite being much older than you. But aside from that, you’re just as sexy.

You’re not. You’re nowhere near as sexy as Johnny Depp. In a line-up comprised of you, Johnny Depp and a toilet that’s full of tramp sick, women would always pick you last. All women. Even your own wife. We think that’s what People magazine is getting at, anyway.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

In every episode of EastEnders, you can be guaranteed of a few things. For a start, you’ll never sit through the full 30 minutes without hearing an ear-piercing screech or cackle.

Peggy’s bra will have pinged off and blinded a child like in her Carry On days and then she’ll slop a warm pint all over Pat, causing fisticuffs at the bar.

There’s also the iconic music that accompanies the programme. Without those drum beats at the beginning and end of the show, EastEnders wouldn’t have any charm left at all. Kind of like the service in Ian Beale’s café. But things are changing in Albert Square. Soon, a spin off show dubbed E20 will launch, and the team behind the show want you to create the theme tune by doing up the original song.

Of course, there is already a remix of the recognisably anthemic EastEnders theme-tune. Frizzy haired guitar chimp Brian May’s wife Anita Dobson created a version of the song by simply singing over the top of it. She released it and thousands of morons purchased it, thus making her famous. Sadly, you can’t rip off her efforts as the producers of the show want you to make a thirty second remix that captures the sound and feel of living in East London.

For the majority of the population living outside of London, this may be hard to imagine. However, from our knowledge of London, we believe samples of people complaining about late tubes, recordings of coughing from inhaling smog and the sound of pigeon shit hitting the floor will be quite apt. Or as the competition page puts it:

“E20 is to encourage and develop exciting new talent. All the writers and cast are newcomers – and we want to extend this approach to the music production. For that, we need your help. We’re therefore looking for a fresh take on the classic EastEnders theme tune – one that will become the fanfare for a show which celebrates London life, and what it’s like to be young in the capital. All in the space of 30 seconds!”

Awesome, we all we have to do is chop up the beats and splice up the main tune to win the prize? Doesn’t sound too difficult to us. We can already imagine the look of surprise on the judge’s face as present a glitched-up gabba version complete with touches of white noise. Or if we forget the closing date and need to knock something up quick, we’ll just reverse the tune, steal some vocals from YouTube and plonk it on top. Easier than cooking, that is.

Of course, out made up genre of Fizzcorkcore probably won’t win as the current climate of wonky-sounding baselines and big beats will probably clinch it for some nerdy bedroom DJ. But good luck to you all, after winning the competition you’ll then be asked what you’d do to make the show watchable.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Heidi Pratt and her husband with a flesh-coloured beard, Spencer Pratt, are making the world’s least threatening threat.

The couple – full of their usual annoying shenanigans and fakery – are pitching the world’s least watchable reality show.

Not content with blighting the world three minutes at a time to a Natasha Bedingfield soundtrack, the gruesome twosome now think it would be a larf to have a reality show entirely their own.

Heidi and Spencer closely resemble a couple of Real Dolls who have come to life and accidentally been cast on MTV’s The Hills. The past-its-best show is only watched by a handful of tweenagers at a time. No more than two or three at any minute of the day.  The only reason they would ever watch a whole episode of The Hills would be that the ruddy remote control buttons got stuck/ the batteries ran out/ the only other thing on was the news.

Before the threat of a reality show – dedicated to their insipid brand of fame-loving – the couple were actually pimping out their new book. A book that details how one can also become a fame-loving Z-Lister of epic proportions. A book that probably came into the world after one or both had their bowel movements recorded on audio tape and then passed on to some poor soul to commit to transcript. It’ll be thirty pages of pictures, to every one paragraph in font size 45 of “Brrrf, faart, buuuurp”, over and over.

Second to the book comes the couple’s dream of their own reality show. A show that is the consummate nightmare of anyone who knows that not all television leaves you with pink eye and a nasty itching sensation in your delicate areas.

Heidi said that viewers of The Hills don’t get to see enough of her and her husband’s creepy flesh-coloured beard. The only way we could see more of her specifically is to buy those indecent images of her from Playboy magazine – and no one here wants to waste their spare coins on that.

Watching them attempting to construct entire sentences onscreen, without the aid of hair twirling, is tiresome enough in small doses. It would be torturous to indulge their shenanigans a full 30-minutes at a time. Well okay, that’s a little harsh…

Heidi isn’t so bad, not really. So long as you don’t mind My Little Pony’s straw-coloured-weave being flicked in the direction of the camera every third minute. She’s one of the less annoying cast members on The Hills, as at least she seems to know that she’s an insufferable, insignificant Barbie doll.

Her husband Spencer is the more annoying of the two. Mainly as he seems to have no idea just how off-putting his facial hair is. It’s awful. It scares small children. It’s all bristles and is probably the only thing coarse enough for Heidi to brush her pony mane with.

In spite of being distinctly intolerable, they seem to be allowed to find new ways to inflict pain on the public. First a book, then a reality show of their own. Before we know it, they’ll be releasing the obligatory clothing line of ill-fitting sweatshop gear and a perfume that smells of despair.

From The Huffington Post:

In an interview [...] the couple told The Associated Press they’re shopping the idea around to various networks. They said that while “The Hills” – which doesn’t acknowledge its cast members’ fame – only focuses on a small part of their lives, their own show would reveal everything that happens to them. They also said they’d be even be willing to include live segments. “You don’t get to see our everyday lives and what we do,” Heidi Pratt said.  But the Pratts also said they don’t plan to leave “The Hills” and hope to appear in both shows.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, the sweetheart.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Let’s play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice.

Things that Miley Cyrus doesn’t like: Twilight. There must be other things too – like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper’s vagina, probably – but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn’t like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn’t like Twilight and now it’s news. Because that’s how news works.

In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn’t even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.

This is a difficult time for Miley Cyrus. She’s clearly desperate to break free from the shackles of Hannah Montana and become a more adult-oriented performer, but how? Taking her clothes off for magazines? She’s already done that. Releasing singles that sound like tenth-rate Red Hot Chili Pepper rip-offs instead of tenth-rate High School Musical rip-offs? She’s already done that too. What else can Miley do to deliberately distance herself from her tween fanbase?

We know! Why doesn’t Miley Cyrus take every opportunity to badmouth everything that tweens traditionally like? It’s a perfect idea. Tweens like Twitter, so why doesn’t Miley Cyrus suddenly decide that she hates Twitter? What? She’s already done that? Brilliant? What next? What else do tweens like? Heelies? Too niche. Ice cream? Too broad. Talking about themselves endless in gratingly rasping voices under the profound misapprehension that anybody cares? But Miley likes that too! Oh, this is SO HARD!

Hang on, what about Twilight? That’s perfect. Tweens don’t just like Twilight, they love Twilight. They love Twilight so much that all they want to do when they grow up is get pregnant from a 108-year-old man who’ll gnaw through her guts to get the baby out. So why doesn’t Miley Cyrus just trash that? It’s a DEAL! MTV reports:

“I’ve never seen it and nor will I ever,” Miley [said]. The starlet went on to elaborate on what exactly it is about “Twilight” that offends her. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. … I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts. I don’t like any of it,” she said.

Well, gee Miley, we knew that you didn’t like shirts – because you take enough photos of yourself without them – but to say that you don’t like Twilight a few days before the release of New Moon is put thousands of young fans in a quandary. What are they supposed to do now?

Do they side with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the effortlessly dishevelled stars of New Moon who inspire lust and devotion everywhere they go? Or do the side with the annoying 16-year-old who’s probably best known for holding hands with a Jonas Brother and singing songs like Ice Cream Freeze (Let’s Chill)?

Yeah, it’s a toughie.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston’s penis for protruding veins.

Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn’t going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he’d whap his willy around at some point – but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we’re sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout.

Obviously by ’sad to report’ we mean ’sad that our lives have reached a point where we’re expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not’, but you get the point.

This week is all about Sarah Palin, isn’t it? Thanks to the release of her book Going Rogue has been released, people across the world now have the opportunity to see how little sense she makes without the hassle of being distracted by her slightly milfy face. But obviously that’s just the appetiser. The book’s release, and all of Sarah Palin’s accompanying media appearances, has just been the warm-up to the main event – the public unveiling of Levi Johnston’s penis and testicles.

This coming Saturday, the world is going to finally get what it’s been waiting for. Or, if not that, then what it’s been slightly curious about seeing. Or, if not that, then what it’s been hiding in a corner with its hands jammed over its face doing its best to desperately avoid. That’s right – Levi Johnston’s naked Playgirl spread.

As well as being good news for those who enjoy staring what could be mistaken at close range for a set of chicken giblets that have been rolled around a barbershop’s floor for half an hour, Levi Johnston’s Playgirl spread also made headlines for one other reason – Levi Johnston didn’t just hate Sarah Palin enough to star in Playgirl on the week of her book’s release, but he hated her enough to show the world exactly what ruined her chances of becoming vice president. Because, according to reports, Levi Johnston was going to get his penis out.

Except now he’s not. Levi’s Playgirl photos have all been taken, and apparently there isn’t even a soupçon of bollock in there. People reports:

“He did not give ‘full frontal’ as his manager Tank [Jones] reported he would,” Daniel Nardicio, a spokesman for Playgirl [said]. Still, said Nardicio, “We’re thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them, but although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity.”

Consider this a reprieve, Sarah Palin. You know as well as we do that a photograph of Levi Johnston standing square to camera with his scrotum flapping in the wind would have ended your political ambitions for good. But a photograph of Levi Johnston facing away from the camera, bending over so you can see a glimpse of bumhole, and gleefully winking like a man who’s just won the pools? You’re in the clear. Good news all round.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That’s brilliant! We’ve got some wonderful news for you – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that’s about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai.

Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she’ll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That’s right, Jennifer! That’ll show her!

You can tell how famous someone is by what they do in their free time. Do they star in television commercials? Then they’re not really that famous. Do they star in television commercials that are only broadcast in Japan? Then they’re a little more famous. Do they have their own perfume? Then they’re a little more famous than that. Do they spend most of their free time scouting third world countries for vulnerable-looking babies to steal? Then they must be top-rate celebrities.

But what if they’ve also got their own range of serpent-themed jewellery? Well, then they’re either a) obviously on the wane and desperately scrabbling around for their own guest spot on the QVC Affordable Sparkles hour or b) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

That’s right – now Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can add jewellery design to their expanding portfolio of skills that already includes urban renewal, humanitarian work, adoption and starring in a long line of films that aren’t quite as good as you’d expect them to be. We’ll let People fill in the details:

The power couple has teamed with a top British jeweler to come up with a series of designs for everything from earrings, pendants, bangles, rings to a silver spoon and egg cup.  For Jolie, 34, the inspiration for the collection was obvious. While she was expecting Shiloh, she was given a special gift — a protective snake ring… Jolie has come to view the motif as something of a family guardian.

Oh good, because snakes are so famous for protecting people, aren’t they? Not biting people or strangling them or pumping them full of so much poison that they stop breathing or dislocating their jaws and swallowing them whole or anything like that. Honestly, snakes are rubbish at protecting people. Unless you’re being attacked by a mongoose, of course, but even then there’s a fighting chance that the snake and the mongoose would just gang up and double-team you to death. Snakes are bastards.

Anyway, we can’t be too rude about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s jewellery line because all proceeds will go to the Education Partnership for Children of Conflict. Honestly, we can’t imagine how much better would the world be if more people drew a picture of a teaspoon with a poxy snake hanging off it and then charged idiots $525 to buy one of them.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

It’s just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What’s it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously.

But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch – nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they’ve downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too.

Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don’t have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all’s not lost – we’ve got the next best thing.

You don’t have to be an expert on cinema to know that New Moon is going to be a sensation. It’s going to take everything that anyone loved about Twilight – the bad-haired sparkle pixie, the girl with the long face, the terrible Paramore soundtrack – and add so many werewolves and boy nipples and scenes featuring Tony Blair that it’s bound to reduce audiences to quivering, urine-soaked emo pandas within the first minute.

But before New Moon, we have to deal with the New Moon premiere, which took place last night in Los Angeles. The New Moon premiere was important because it gave fans the chance to see their favourite stars close-up, allowing them to answer big questions like ‘Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really an item?’, ‘What does Taylor Lautner look like when he’s wearing clothes?’ and ‘My life really has gone terribly wrong somewhere down the line, hasn’t it?’

As with all premieres, though, the New Moon premiere gave everyone a chance to dress up to the nines and look effortlessly glamorous. We’d show you what the young New Moon stars wore, but sadly we can’t afford the image rights. So instead, we’ve employed a professional illustrator to create near-photographic recreations of their outfits, based on descriptions by MTV. Ready?

Robert Pattinson – MTV said:

Pattinson looked dashing, as the English gentleman wore a fitted black Gucci suit. And the ladies swooned over his tousled, highlighted hair.

Here’s how he looked…

Taylor Lautner – MTV said:

Lautner opted for a blue suit, pairing it with a tie and shirt in a similar shade. But his spiky hair and easygoing demeanor kept the look age appropriate and fun.

Here’s how he looked…

Kristen Stewart – MTV said:

Stewart really glammed it up, abandoning her usual grungy-cool style for a flowing, ethereal gown. But she did hold on to a bit of the trademark Stewart style with her messy, just-out-of-bed updo, with heavy eye makeup finishing the look.

Here’s how she looked…

You’re welcome, New Moon fans!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

It’s been close to half a year, but the question still remains: what killed Michael Jackson? Was it drugs?

Was it stress? Was it drugs? Was it financial strain? Or drugs? Drugs? Was it that giant dose of medical-grade anaesthetic he was given right before he died? Could that have anything to do with Michael Jackson’s death? Anyone?

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter what we think. But it does matter what Janet Jackson thinks, because a) Michael Jackson was her brother and b) she’s got a greatest hits album out that she needs to plug. And Janet Jackson is pointing the finger squarely at Michael Jackson’s doctor.

Nobody tell Jermaine Jackson – because he’ll only start organising another one of his tacky ‘JERMAINE JACKSON PRESENTS JERMAINE JACKSON AND THE JERMAINE JACKSON ALLSTARS (In A Tribute To Michael Jackson) STARRING JERMAINE JACKSON!’ concerts if he finds out – but Michael Jackson’s death means that Janet Jackson is now the world’s most famous Jackson.

And that’s a role that comes with a lot of responsibility. It’s Janet who must continue to spread the profoundly philanthropic messages that Michael Jackson sprinkled through his songs – messages like ‘heal the world’, ‘you are not alone’ and ‘burn this disco out’ – and it’s Janet who must take it upon herself to blame people for Michael Jackson’s death. She’s already quite good at the second one.

You see, as far as Janet Jackson is concerned, Michael Jackson would still be alive if it wasn’t for Dr Conrad Murray and his evil determination to kill her brother by nefariously injecting him with the deadly drug that he had specifically requested to be injected with and would have somehow got his hands on anyway. What a bastard.

Sure, Dr Murray hasn’t been charged with anything, but that doesn’t mean that he’s definitely completely responsible for Michael Jackson’s death and should never be allowed to doctor again. That’s what Janet has said in an interview, in any case. MTV reports:

“He was the one that was administering. … I think he’s responsible.” Though Murray has not been charged in the case and his lawyer said he did not administer anything that “should have” caused Jackson’s death, Janet reportedly tells ABC’s Robin Roberts that she believes Murray should not be allowed to practice medicine anymore.

Regardless of whether you think she’s right about this or not – personally we’d arrest the Pope if it meant that everyone would shut up about Michael Jackson – you have to admit that emotionally blaming a doctor for the death of your brother on national television is a weird way to go about promoting your new album. Let’s hope that Janet Jackson’s Number Ones – out today, kids! – gets a suitable sales boost because of this.

In fact, what with Rihanna plugging her new album with stories about being choked unconscious and now Janet Jackson plugging her new album with stories about mourning the recent death of her brother, it’d seem as if misery is the hot new way to get a hit record. Snoop Dogg’s got a new album coming out next month – he’ll need to think of something really sad to talk about if he wants it to be a success. May we suggest inventing a story about being bitten on the arse by a stoat?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking – it’s just like a Hollywood movie.

Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it’s emerged that Carrie Prejean didn’t simply make one sex tape – she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too.

It just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? Maybe tomorrow we’ll hear that Carrie Prejean isn’t an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.

As far as Carrie Prejean is concerned, all bets are now off. Originally we just thought that Carrie Prejean was just a God-fearing beauty queen with skin the colour of manky carrot pulp and a confusing sideline in belittling homosexuals. But then it turned out that she’d made a sex tape.

But then it turned out that the Carrie Prejean sex tape was literally just footage of Carrie being unspeakable all by herself. But then it turned out that she was a teenager when she made it. But then it turned out that actually she was probably 20. And now it’s turned out that Carrie Prejean more or less can’t stop recording footage of herself thwapping away at her groin like she’s trying to put it out while she simultaneously makes coldly disinterested vowel sounds with her mouth. She’s made hundreds of these tapes. Well maybe not hundreds. Eight. Carrie Prejean has made eight sex tapes. RadarOnline reports:

[Carrie] called the sex tape the biggest mistake of her life. Now a RadarOnline.com investigation has uncovered that there are SEVEN more “biggest mistakes” of her life – all of them solo performances. And there are 30 photos of Carrie, most topless, some showing everything, and most taken by Carrie using her reflection in a mirror… Carrie can be heard moaning on a few of the tapes.

Where is this going to end? Sure, it’s only eight sex tapes and 30 photos today, but tomorrow? We’ve heard rumours that Carrie Prejean has actually made over ten million sex tapes and taken more than four hundred trillion racy photographs of herself. And that around 15% of the videos feature Carrie trying to push a mop handle up the rectum of a startled monkey in a fez. And that a disproportionate number of the photographs show Carrie stark naked and standing at the top of a stepladder, manfully trying to masturbate a cloud to full ejaculation.

It can only be a matter of time before these Carrie Prejean sex tapes see the light of day now, especially since Vivid Entertainment – the company behind the Kim Kardashian sex tape, among others – seems convinced that Carrie will make millions of dollars if she allows it to distribute the tapes.

At the moment, Prejean’s response is said to be “no, at any price” but we can’t see what the fuss is all about. People will end up watching the tapes anyway, so she may as well profit from them. And it’s not like selling homemade diddle tapes of herself is going to stop Carrie Prejean from going to heaven, is it? Because painting herself orange and behaving like a massive arsehole at every possible opportunity will have done that ages ago.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

If you had to extort one former supermodel, chances are Cindy Crawford would be last on your list.

What could you possibly extort her with? Naked pictures? Everyone’s already seen Cindy Crawford naked. Embarrassing videos? She starred in a mid-1990s erotic thriller with William Baldwin – it’s scientifically impossible to get any more embarrassing than that. Then what could possibly be left to extort Cindy Crawford with?

A photo of her seven-year-old-daughter tied to a chair and dressed in revealing clothes? And someone’s already beaten you to the idea by trying to extort Cindy Crawford with that exact thing? Oh. And, also: yeurgh.

As far as former supermodels go, Cindy Crawford has always been a bit of a let-down. You don’t fear for your life when you meet her, like you do with Naomi Campbell. She never married a man with a $3,000-a-month porn habit like Christie Brinkley did. Unlike Janice Dickinson, she hasn’t turned into the world’s leading Iggy Pop impersonator.

But you can’t say that Cindy Crawford doesn’t try. She’s admitted that her youthful looks are down to cosmetic surgery, despite selling a beauty cream that promises to keep you young-looking. She apparently charges thousands of dollars to attend charity events. And, once again, she starred in a terrible erotic thriller with a Baldwin brother. And God loves a trier.

And now she’s being extorted because someone took a fairly alarming photo of her daughter. According to reports, a German model named Edis Kayalar has been charged with trying to extort Cindy Crawford and her husband out of $100,000. Warning: the following paragraph might make you lose your appetite until the end of time itself. The New York Daily News reports:

Kayalar, 26, contacted Crawford and Gerber in July, claiming he had a “sexy” photograph of their then-7-year-old daughter Kaia “in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged.” The picture was stolen from the girl’s former nanny, who had been dating Kayalar. The nanny, who has not been charged, claimed she innocently took the photo as part of a “cops and robbers” game.

Luckily, Cindy Crawford and her husband did the right thing in calling the police. Not only did this send a clear message to any other would-be extortioners that they will not be blackmailed, but the exposure to routine policework will have also demonstrated to Cindy Crawford, Cindy Crawford’s family and Cindy Cindy Crawford’s employees that law enforcement agents traditionally don’t gag and bound seven-year-old girls for weird, upsetting photoshoots as part of  their day-to-day procedure. It sounds like a lesson that they could do with learning.

But as distressing as this story obviously is, at least it has a happy ending. The alleged extorter has been charged, the nanny is no longer in the service of Cindy Crawford and her family, and Cindy Crawford can go back to doing whatever it is that she does these days. Bulk-burning VHS copies of Fair Game in a pit in her garden, probably. It’s what we’d do if we were her, anyway.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

If you’re new to this, here’s a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King.

Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word ‘inappropriate’ and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it’s become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey’s matted stab wound. That’s right, we need Donald Trump.

And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone’s constantly paying attention to him, he’s obliged. Hooray.

Say what you like about Carrie Prejean, but she sure knows how to promote a book. In fact, we’re so impressed with Carrie Prejean’s promotional skills that when we come to pen our autobiography, we’re going to paint ourselves orange and make a grubby solo sex tape and then throw a half-hearted tantrum on Larry King’s show too. It’s textbook stuff.

But one question remains about Carrie Prejean. No, it’s not ‘when do we get to see that video of Carrie Prejean thrashing away at her genitals?’ and it’s not ‘why didn’t Carrie Prejean leave Larry King’s studio instead of just sitting there flapping her mouth around like some sort of awful bellend?’ – it’s ‘what does Donald Trump make of all this?’

It’s important to know what Donald Trump’s take on the Carrie Prejean saga is, for three reasons:

1) As the boss of the Miss USA pageant, Donald Trump has been inextricably linked to Carrie Prejean for some time now. In his time, Donald has both defended Carrie and sanctioned her sacking. He knows how she ticks.

2) Any time a news story reaches a certain level, a light starts blinking in Donald Trump’s office and he feels the necessity to start barking his barely-formed opinion about it into the nearest camera. This is a mark that the Carrie Prejean sex tape story has hit the big time.

3) Donald Trump knows that if he starts wading in on this issue, his profoundly odd appearance will act as a counter-balance to the general level of horniness surrounding the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Seriously, try to masturbate with an image of Donald Trump in the back of your mind without crying. It’s impossible.

That said, what does Donald Trump think of this Carrie Prejean mess? Let’s find out:

“‘Inappropriate’ is more of a sexual term, as far as I’m concerned…I mean — inappropriate? He asked a very, very easy question and I was surprised that she just didn’t say, ‘Hey, listen, I can’t answer that question.’ Instead she wants to walk off the stage? It was very surprising.”

So that’s that sorted out, then. Join us next week, when Sir Alan Sugar will rub his hands together, puff out his cheeks and shout the word “Cor!” a lot when he’s asked for his opinion about the Jennifer Lopez sex tape. Or something.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Hey, remember that time that Josh Duhamel was accused of cheating on Fergie by boning a stripper?

Sure you do. It only happened a week ago. What? You’ve forgotten already, on the basis that Josh Duhamel is the dullest man who’s ever lived? You think that wasting even a drop of brainpower on someone as inherently dreary as Josh Duhamel is a criminal misuse of humanity’s potential? Yeah, us too, actually.

But tough, because the stripper who Josh Duhamel allegedly had his ferociously mundane way with isn’t letting go of her moment in the spotlight. She’s publicly apologised to Fergie for having sex with her husband, whatever his name is. We’ve forgotten already. That’s how boring he is.

We’re ready to declare this – Josh Duhamel is a genius. Somehow he’s managed to become so unremittingly dull that he can get away with anything he likes. Take this stripper thing – Josh has been accused of having sex with a stripper behind Fergie’s back. Anybody else would have been hounded by the press until they broke down and confessed, but not Josh Duhamel. Josh Duhamel is so boring that nobody cares.

It’s such a brilliant tactic. Nobody can rouse any enthusiasm for anything he does, so he may as well do whatever he likes. If Josh Duhamel can get away with allegedly having it off with a stripper, then he should see what else he can do before anyone starts to notice him. He should rob banks, happyslap pensioners for their chips and start annexing small European principalities willy nilly. Sure, it’d annoy people but, so long as it was being done by Josh Duhamel, nobody would be able to rouse the enthusiasm to complain about any of it.

But just because Josh Duhamel is a wandering vacuum of all-encompassing nothingness, it doesn’t mean that everyone’s given up on the stripper story. Nicole Forrester, the stripper at the centre of all this, is still doing her best to bang on about it at every opportunity. So much so, in fact, that she’s decided to publicly apologise to Fergie for all the terrible things she did with Josh, just to string out her 15 minutes. US Magazine reports:

“I’m sorry.” At the time of the one-night stand, she explains “I thought, ‘Nobody’s gonna find out. It’s not gonna hurt anybody… I’m sorry that I didn’t think of it like I think of it now.” Things have been tough for Forrester since the news broke. Her son even told her “‘you’re disgusting. I didn’t know you had sex with him,’” she claims.

You have to feel for Nicole Forrester. After all, how was she to know that allegedly sleeping with a married actor and then voluntarily doing numerous high profile paid interviews about it on TV, radio and in print would lead to people finding out about it? She’s the real victim here. That poor woman.

Still, at least the total public apathy towards Nicole Forrester’s claims mean that Josh Duhamel’s film career won’t be put in any danger. He’ll still be able to turn out first-class performances like he did in… oh, look, we don’t know. We can’t even be arsed to Google him. He’ll be fine.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter