Celebrity Gossip
Morrissey Declares War On Hamburgers In Hamburg
Jesus, we know when we’re being outdone. Most of the time, it’s when an unborn Japanese child severely beats us on FIFA. And we don’t mean by using the hand of God in extra time. And then there's Morrissey. Somehow, Morrissey is classed as a genius despite still singing songs that an old band of his wrote years ago and releasing solo albums that are properly gash. Recently, Morrissey has had a bit of problems on the gig scene. He passed out in Swindon and then got twatted in the face with a cup in Liverpool. Surely it’s full steam ahead from here, right? Wrong! Continuing his tour to Hamburg, Morrissey got narked off with a fan who dared boo his miserable rant on meat-eaters. And what happened? Find out after the jump!
Jesus, we know when we’re being outdone. Most of the time, it’s when an unborn Japanese child severely beats us on FIFA. And we don’t mean by using the hand of God in extra time. And then there's Morrissey. Somehow, Morrissey is classed as a genius despite still singing songs that an old band of his wrote years ago and releasing solo albums that are properly gash. Recently, Morrissey has had a bit of problems on the gig scene. He passed out in Swindon and then got twatted in the face with a cup in Liverpool. Surely it’s full steam ahead from here, right? Wrong! Continuing his tour to Hamburg, Morrissey got narked off with a fan who dared boo his miserable rant on meat-eaters. And what happened? Find out after the jump!
Chris Brown Is A Really Excellent Binman
Chris Brown can't change the past - if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico. But he can change the future. And that's Chris Brown's prime directive right now. He doesn't want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more - he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well. And that's what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an 'extremely favourable' community service progress report. Now that's being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.
Chris Brown can't change the past - if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico. But he can change the future. And that's Chris Brown's prime directive right now. He doesn't want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more - he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well. And that's what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an 'extremely favourable' community service progress report. Now that's being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.
John Kerry’s Daughter Busted For Glug Glug Vroom Vroom
Having watched the last season of 24, we're fully aware that you can never trust a politician's offspring. Statistically, they're all quite likely to blow up Jon Voight, and that's a fact. They'll blow up Jon Voight and then they'll make their mother, President Moonface, quite sad. But it's not just fictional political children who are trouble - Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI. But don't worry - she wasn't quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. It's funny, because if we were Alexandra Kerry we'd have stopped going to bars long ago. There are only so many times you can put up with people saying "Why the long face?" after all.
Having watched the last season of 24, we're fully aware that you can never trust a politician's offspring. Statistically, they're all quite likely to blow up Jon Voight, and that's a fact. They'll blow up Jon Voight and then they'll make their mother, President Moonface, quite sad. But it's not just fictional political children who are trouble - Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI. But don't worry - she wasn't quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. It's funny, because if we were Alexandra Kerry we'd have stopped going to bars long ago. There are only so many times you can put up with people saying "Why the long face?" after all.
Johnny Depp Is A Million Times Sexier Than You: Official
Oh People magazine, you're such terrible sluts. Don't bother trying to hide it - we can see straight through you. Look at how you're treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That's right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY. You only love Johnny Depp for his money don't you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion - it's his money. We'll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
Oh People magazine, you're such terrible sluts. Don't bother trying to hide it - we can see straight through you. Look at how you're treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That's right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY. You only love Johnny Depp for his money don't you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion - it's his money. We'll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
EastEnders Wants You To Remix Its Ageing Theme Tune
In every episode of EastEnders, you can be guaranteed of a few things. For a start, you’ll never sit through the full 30 minutes without hearing an ear-piercing screech or cackle. Peggy’s bra will have pinged off and blinded a child like in her Carry On days and then she’ll slop a warm pint all over Pat, causing fisticuffs at the bar. There’s also the iconic music that accompanies the programme. Without those drum beats at the beginning and end of the show, EastEnders wouldn’t have any charm left at all. Kind of like the service in Ian Beale's café. But things are changing in Albert Square. Soon, a spin off show dubbed E20 will launch, and the team behind the show want you to create the theme tune by doing up the original song.
In every episode of EastEnders, you can be guaranteed of a few things. For a start, you’ll never sit through the full 30 minutes without hearing an ear-piercing screech or cackle. Peggy’s bra will have pinged off and blinded a child like in her Carry On days and then she’ll slop a warm pint all over Pat, causing fisticuffs at the bar. There’s also the iconic music that accompanies the programme. Without those drum beats at the beginning and end of the show, EastEnders wouldn’t have any charm left at all. Kind of like the service in Ian Beale's café. But things are changing in Albert Square. Soon, a spin off show dubbed E20 will launch, and the team behind the show want you to create the theme tune by doing up the original song.
Heidi and Spencer Pratt Threaten to Launch Their Own Reality Show
Heidi Pratt and her husband with a flesh-coloured beard, Spencer Pratt, are making the world's least threatening threat. The couple - full of their usual annoying shenanigans and fakery - are pitching the world's least watchable reality show. Not content with blighting the world three minutes at a time to a Natasha Bedingfield soundtrack, the gruesome twosome now think it would be a larf to have a reality show entirely their own.
Heidi Pratt and her husband with a flesh-coloured beard, Spencer Pratt, are making the world's least threatening threat. The couple - full of their usual annoying shenanigans and fakery - are pitching the world's least watchable reality show. Not content with blighting the world three minutes at a time to a Natasha Bedingfield soundtrack, the gruesome twosome now think it would be a larf to have a reality show entirely their own.
New Moon: Miley Cyrus Really Doesn’t Like Twilight, OK? Jeez
Let's play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice. Things that Miley Cyrus doesn't like: Twilight. There must be other things too - like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper's vagina, probably - but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn't like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn't like Twilight and now it's news. Because that's how news works. In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn't even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.
Let's play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice. Things that Miley Cyrus doesn't like: Twilight. There must be other things too - like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper's vagina, probably - but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn't like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn't like Twilight and now it's news. Because that's how news works. In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn't even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.
This Just In: Levi Johnston’s Penis Obscured By Foliage
Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston's penis for protruding veins. Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn't going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he'd whap his willy around at some point - but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we're sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout. Obviously by 'sad to report' we mean 'sad that our lives have reached a point where we're expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not', but you get the point.
Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston's penis for protruding veins. Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn't going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he'd whap his willy around at some point - but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we're sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout. Obviously by 'sad to report' we mean 'sad that our lives have reached a point where we're expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not', but you get the point.
