From the category archives:
hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.
So is she?
Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.
Lindsay Lohan stepped out on the red carpet this week looking as young, sexy and stylish as ever. Wait, we mean the exact opposite of that.
The o?b?v?i?o?u?s? ?c?r?a?c?k? ?a?d?d?i?c?t starlet was papped at the amfAR New York Gala yesterday sporting tobacco-stained hair, meth teeth and accessorised her hot new look with a Grinch-skin coat and a vacant stare.
Want a look? You brave crusader, you. Just click the jump.
Awards ceremonies are pointless, unless you win something at one of them. Then they’re the best thing ever for all of around 5 seconds (basically, ’til the free bar is closed). So should we get worked up about them?
OF COURSE WE SHOULD! These junkets are there to be mocked mercilessly. They are arbiters of taste and all that is deemed good, so everyone should gather round them and poke them with as many pointed sticks as they can get their awful, grubby little hands on.
So you’ll be thrilled to know that a bunch of musicians are going to hold a protest outside Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony over a decision to unceremoniously axe 31 ‘ethnic and minority musical categories’ from the bash.
Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children.
Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.
Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.
Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.
And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.
She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.
Ever since we all saw David Hasselhoff drunkenly eating a hamburger off the floor while berating his daughter, we’ve all thrilled at how damaged the former Baywatcher is. Not to mention that whole being under the impression he brought down the iron curtain in Germany thing.
The Hoff, for reasons only unclear to him, is one of our favourite celebrities to mockingly enjoy.
And, the good news is, is that he really hasn’t learned a thing. He’s as deluded as ever, growing his peas above sticks and saying, without a trace of irony, that he wants A-List superstar Russell Crowe for the Knight Rider Movie. That’d be the Knight Rider Movie which doesn’t ever, ever look like getting general release.
Kate Middleton is now a blueblood. She’s married into the Royal Family, which gives her special dispensation from the law. She’s probably allowed to kill people and run over vicars with combine harvesters while setting fire to piles of tyres and griffins.
HOWEVER. She’s not like the rest.
Y’see, our Kate is willing to not only walk around us plebscum, but also, do it wearing clothes that you can buy from shops. Seriously. Someone should beatify her now…. if they do Protestant beatification that is.
Professional playground-trawler Caroline Flack has once again been spotted tongue wrestling with a foetus; this time, 23-year-old singer Sam McCarthy.
Despite take every precaution not to be spotted, eg. Standing in a public street outside a pub, the ‘couple’ were papped fondling each other outside the Crown & Goose pub in Camden.
While we’re happy to admit that at 32, she’s hardly Saturday night TVs answer to J. Howard Marshall, we can’t help but think there’s something wrong with a woman who constantly preys men with personalities as underdeveloped as their testicles.
