News
Morrissey Declares War On Hamburgers In Hamburg
Jesus, we know when we’re being outdone. Most of the time, it’s when an unborn Japanese child severely beats us on FIFA. And we don’t mean by using the hand of God in extra time. And then there's Morrissey. Somehow, Morrissey is classed as a genius despite still singing songs that an old band of his wrote years ago and releasing solo albums that are properly gash. Recently, Morrissey has had a bit of problems on the gig scene. He passed out in Swindon and then got twatted in the face with a cup in Liverpool. Surely it’s full steam ahead from here, right? Wrong! Continuing his tour to Hamburg, Morrissey got narked off with a fan who dared boo his miserable rant on meat-eaters. And what happened? Find out after the jump!
Jesus, we know when we’re being outdone. Most of the time, it’s when an unborn Japanese child severely beats us on FIFA. And we don’t mean by using the hand of God in extra time. And then there's Morrissey. Somehow, Morrissey is classed as a genius despite still singing songs that an old band of his wrote years ago and releasing solo albums that are properly gash. Recently, Morrissey has had a bit of problems on the gig scene. He passed out in Swindon and then got twatted in the face with a cup in Liverpool. Surely it’s full steam ahead from here, right? Wrong! Continuing his tour to Hamburg, Morrissey got narked off with a fan who dared boo his miserable rant on meat-eaters. And what happened? Find out after the jump!
Chris Brown Is A Really Excellent Binman
Chris Brown can't change the past - if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico. But he can change the future. And that's Chris Brown's prime directive right now. He doesn't want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more - he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well. And that's what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an 'extremely favourable' community service progress report. Now that's being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.
Chris Brown can't change the past - if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico. But he can change the future. And that's Chris Brown's prime directive right now. He doesn't want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more - he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well. And that's what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an 'extremely favourable' community service progress report. Now that's being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.
John Kerry’s Daughter Busted For Glug Glug Vroom Vroom
Having watched the last season of 24, we're fully aware that you can never trust a politician's offspring. Statistically, they're all quite likely to blow up Jon Voight, and that's a fact. They'll blow up Jon Voight and then they'll make their mother, President Moonface, quite sad. But it's not just fictional political children who are trouble - Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI. But don't worry - she wasn't quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. It's funny, because if we were Alexandra Kerry we'd have stopped going to bars long ago. There are only so many times you can put up with people saying "Why the long face?" after all.
Having watched the last season of 24, we're fully aware that you can never trust a politician's offspring. Statistically, they're all quite likely to blow up Jon Voight, and that's a fact. They'll blow up Jon Voight and then they'll make their mother, President Moonface, quite sad. But it's not just fictional political children who are trouble - Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI. But don't worry - she wasn't quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. It's funny, because if we were Alexandra Kerry we'd have stopped going to bars long ago. There are only so many times you can put up with people saying "Why the long face?" after all.
Oprah Winfrey To Stop Patronising You In 2011
After two decades, several free cars and enough weight fluctuation to sculpt a small cellulite army, Oprah is done. Sort of done. Oprah Winfrey is leaving her show. But not until 2011. And then she's going to immediately start a new show somewhere else. But it's still sad news - without Oprah Winfrey around, where will we know which treacly, middle-brow books to read? Where will we discover what people look like after they've had their face torn off by monkeys? Where will we get our fill of needlessly excited women unintentionally screeching bizarre non-sequiturs at a roomful of strangers? Where will we be able to slowly lose the will to live? What? Tyra Banks? Oh, OK.
After two decades, several free cars and enough weight fluctuation to sculpt a small cellulite army, Oprah is done. Sort of done. Oprah Winfrey is leaving her show. But not until 2011. And then she's going to immediately start a new show somewhere else. But it's still sad news - without Oprah Winfrey around, where will we know which treacly, middle-brow books to read? Where will we discover what people look like after they've had their face torn off by monkeys? Where will we get our fill of needlessly excited women unintentionally screeching bizarre non-sequiturs at a roomful of strangers? Where will we be able to slowly lose the will to live? What? Tyra Banks? Oh, OK.
Will Ferrell Earns Much More Money Than He Should: Official
This is just a hunch, but we're expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People's sexiest man alive next year. Because, seriously, that man is loaded. He gets paid so much money. Too much money, in fact. And he doesn't deserve a bloody penny of it. That's according to Forbes, at least - Will Ferrell has come out on top of a list 0f Hollywood's most overpaid stars. The list claims that Will Ferrell only earns his investors a return of $3.29 for every dollar he's paid. Why such a poor figure? Well, it's partly because Land Of The Lost flopped, partly because comedy is notoriously difficult to sell around the world and partly because Will Ferrell has cold dead eyes and a rapist's haircut. Possibly.
This is just a hunch, but we're expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People's sexiest man alive next year. Because, seriously, that man is loaded. He gets paid so much money. Too much money, in fact. And he doesn't deserve a bloody penny of it. That's according to Forbes, at least - Will Ferrell has come out on top of a list 0f Hollywood's most overpaid stars. The list claims that Will Ferrell only earns his investors a return of $3.29 for every dollar he's paid. Why such a poor figure? Well, it's partly because Land Of The Lost flopped, partly because comedy is notoriously difficult to sell around the world and partly because Will Ferrell has cold dead eyes and a rapist's haircut. Possibly.
Johnny Depp Is A Million Times Sexier Than You: Official
Oh People magazine, you're such terrible sluts. Don't bother trying to hide it - we can see straight through you. Look at how you're treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That's right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY. You only love Johnny Depp for his money don't you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion - it's his money. We'll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
Oh People magazine, you're such terrible sluts. Don't bother trying to hide it - we can see straight through you. Look at how you're treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That's right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY. You only love Johnny Depp for his money don't you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion - it's his money. We'll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
Jennifer Hudson Is Winnie Mandela, Obviously
Winning that Oscar for Dreamgirls didn't just make Jennifer Hudson a household name, it also changed her life forever. Not in a particularly good way, either. When Jennifer Hudson started acting, she probably thought that she'd do Dreamgirls and then maybe a couple of comedies or a big summer action flick. But no. Jennifer Hudson has won an Oscar now, so every film she stars in from now on is legally entitled to be overlong, dreary and so relentlessly worthy that you feel like scrubbing yourself clean with a dry brush afterwards. And that's why Jennifer Hudson is about to play Winnie Mandela in what promises to be a right old bundle of bloody laughs.
Winning that Oscar for Dreamgirls didn't just make Jennifer Hudson a household name, it also changed her life forever. Not in a particularly good way, either. When Jennifer Hudson started acting, she probably thought that she'd do Dreamgirls and then maybe a couple of comedies or a big summer action flick. But no. Jennifer Hudson has won an Oscar now, so every film she stars in from now on is legally entitled to be overlong, dreary and so relentlessly worthy that you feel like scrubbing yourself clean with a dry brush afterwards. And that's why Jennifer Hudson is about to play Winnie Mandela in what promises to be a right old bundle of bloody laughs.
EastEnders Wants You To Remix Its Ageing Theme Tune
In every episode of EastEnders, you can be guaranteed of a few things. For a start, you’ll never sit through the full 30 minutes without hearing an ear-piercing screech or cackle. Peggy’s bra will have pinged off and blinded a child like in her Carry On days and then she’ll slop a warm pint all over Pat, causing fisticuffs at the bar. There’s also the iconic music that accompanies the programme. Without those drum beats at the beginning and end of the show, EastEnders wouldn’t have any charm left at all. Kind of like the service in Ian Beale's café. But things are changing in Albert Square. Soon, a spin off show dubbed E20 will launch, and the team behind the show want you to create the theme tune by doing up the original song.
In every episode of EastEnders, you can be guaranteed of a few things. For a start, you’ll never sit through the full 30 minutes without hearing an ear-piercing screech or cackle. Peggy’s bra will have pinged off and blinded a child like in her Carry On days and then she’ll slop a warm pint all over Pat, causing fisticuffs at the bar. There’s also the iconic music that accompanies the programme. Without those drum beats at the beginning and end of the show, EastEnders wouldn’t have any charm left at all. Kind of like the service in Ian Beale's café. But things are changing in Albert Square. Soon, a spin off show dubbed E20 will launch, and the team behind the show want you to create the theme tune by doing up the original song.
