News
Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Literally No Takers Whatsoever
The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what's hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera? Nothing, that's what. Why, even just thinking about it - there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!" and "Sink the pink, don't down the brown!" to herself - doesn't half give us the ruddy horn. But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.
The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what's hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera? Nothing, that's what. Why, even just thinking about it - there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!" and "Sink the pink, don't down the brown!" to herself - doesn't half give us the ruddy horn. But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.
Josh Duhamel Denies Banging Stripper Behind Fergie’s Back
We know what you're thinking - why would Josh Duhamel even think about cheating on Fergie with a stripper? Well, let's count the ways. First, both Josh Duhamel and Fergie are apart a lot. Then there's the knowledge that he'd be having sex with someone statistically less likely to burst into My Humps during orgasm. And also, if you enjoy having sex with people with a fondness for crystal meth - like Fergie does - but you don't enjoy hearing them bang on about it all the time - like Fergie does - then where do you go? That's right, the strip club. Nevertheless, Josh Duhamel says that he definitely didn't have sex with a stripper, even though the stripper says he definitely did.
We know what you're thinking - why would Josh Duhamel even think about cheating on Fergie with a stripper? Well, let's count the ways. First, both Josh Duhamel and Fergie are apart a lot. Then there's the knowledge that he'd be having sex with someone statistically less likely to burst into My Humps during orgasm. And also, if you enjoy having sex with people with a fondness for crystal meth - like Fergie does - but you don't enjoy hearing them bang on about it all the time - like Fergie does - then where do you go? That's right, the strip club. Nevertheless, Josh Duhamel says that he definitely didn't have sex with a stripper, even though the stripper says he definitely did.
Rihanna: I Was Blinded By Love (And Presumably Eye-Punching)
The first half of Rihanna's tell-all Chris Brown interview has finally aired, and what a shock it was. The things Rihanna said! Apparently being beaten to within an inch of your life by the man you love isn't very nice. Who knew? But that's not all - Rihanna says that she's embarrassed about falling in love with Chris Brown. No kidding! Look at him - the bowtie, the odd-shaped head, the ill-advised facial hair, the teeth that look like someone has fired shards of crockery at a watermelon through a ship's cannon. We'd be embarrassed too! Oh, Rihanna was talking about the violence thing. We suppose we can see that too.
The first half of Rihanna's tell-all Chris Brown interview has finally aired, and what a shock it was. The things Rihanna said! Apparently being beaten to within an inch of your life by the man you love isn't very nice. Who knew? But that's not all - Rihanna says that she's embarrassed about falling in love with Chris Brown. No kidding! Look at him - the bowtie, the odd-shaped head, the ill-advised facial hair, the teeth that look like someone has fired shards of crockery at a watermelon through a ship's cannon. We'd be embarrassed too! Oh, Rihanna was talking about the violence thing. We suppose we can see that too.
There’s A Carrie Prejean Sex Tape, You Say? Goodness
Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we'll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she's had this year alone. She's been a beauty queen. She's been a noted anti-gay activist. She's starred in commercials. She's written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we've ever read. And now she's a porn star, too. Sort of. You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it's all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn't hit the internet yet, but it's supposed to be brilliant - we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.
Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we'll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she's had this year alone. She's been a beauty queen. She's been a noted anti-gay activist. She's starred in commercials. She's written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we've ever read. And now she's a porn star, too. Sort of. You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it's all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn't hit the internet yet, but it's supposed to be brilliant - we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.
Kristen Stewart Would Like Everyone To Eff Off Now, Please
There's a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now. Why? Just look at her. She doesn't just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin. And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.
There's a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now. Why? Just look at her. She doesn't just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin. And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.
Brad Pitt Grows A Manky Beard, Which Is Definitely News
This news is so important that you might need to spend the rest of the day pondering its gigantic consequences. You see, Brad Pitt has grown a beard. Shocking, we know. But brace yourself, because that's not quite it. You see, Brad Pitt has grown a slightly ratty beard. It's so ratty that he's actually braided it. Remember this day. In years to come younger generations will ask you where you where when you realised that Brad Pitt had deliberately grown a bit of a manky beard. And now you can look them in the eye and say "I was reading the internet in my pants, son. I was reading the internet in my pants."
This news is so important that you might need to spend the rest of the day pondering its gigantic consequences. You see, Brad Pitt has grown a beard. Shocking, we know. But brace yourself, because that's not quite it. You see, Brad Pitt has grown a slightly ratty beard. It's so ratty that he's actually braided it. Remember this day. In years to come younger generations will ask you where you where when you realised that Brad Pitt had deliberately grown a bit of a manky beard. And now you can look them in the eye and say "I was reading the internet in my pants, son. I was reading the internet in my pants."
Jordan To Be Burnt Instead Of Guy Fawkes In Kent
Do you live in Kent? We don’t. Why? Well let’s put it this way, it doesn’t quite have the glamour of New York or the history of Rome. All is boasts is a Primark and KFC – just like everywhere else. If only Kent could offer us something amazing. Something that we could only see in Kent. Something that people would travel for miles around to witness. Something wish-fulfilling. What's that? Some people in Edenbridge are burning a giant effigy of Jordan this weekend? Bingo.
Do you live in Kent? We don’t. Why? Well let’s put it this way, it doesn’t quite have the glamour of New York or the history of Rome. All is boasts is a Primark and KFC – just like everywhere else. If only Kent could offer us something amazing. Something that we could only see in Kent. Something that people would travel for miles around to witness. Something wish-fulfilling. What's that? Some people in Edenbridge are burning a giant effigy of Jordan this weekend? Bingo.
Twitter Was Made For Lindsay Lohan’s Incessant Ranting
Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will. The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere. She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears a shortage of both. She goes on 140-character rants in a manner that makes you glad she doesn't have over 100,000 people reading her lunacy. Oh dear, hang on a minute.
Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will. The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere. She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears a shortage of both. She goes on 140-character rants in a manner that makes you glad she doesn't have over 100,000 people reading her lunacy. Oh dear, hang on a minute.
