There’s a collective will for U2 to fail at the moment. Such is Bono’s intense smuggery is that the ill-feeling toward him even extends to Spiderman, who everyone loves. Seeing as Bono and The Edge did the score for Spidey theatre production Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark, we’re all wishing it nothing but bad luck.

And hilariously, it seems to have befallen just that… and in bucket loads.

Last night’s opener of Broadway’s most expensive production ever, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was a ripsnorting flop! That’s $65 millions worth of high-tech gadgetry fail and bad music soundtracking a utterly baffling script. Hahahahahahahahaha!

The poor sods who went to the opening left scratching their bonces, wondering if they’d entered some kind of weird dream-state where the very fabric of everything began to fray around them and slowly fragment like crumbing cheese.

They hadn’t. They had spent a lot of money on a shoddy production which saw them ducking out of the way of falling equipment and actors dangling helplessly from the ceiling. The Foxwoods Theatre on West 42nd Street has probably shrivelled up and vanished in embarrassment today. Go check. It’s not there any more.

Seriously though, bits of this aren’t made up. Reports state that overhead stage wires dropped on the audience and scenery appeared on stage missing big chunks and the star of the show was left dangling like a warm bollock in mid-air during the climatic end to the first act. For eight minutes.

After what must have seemed like an age, the stage manager just gave up and announced over the loudspeaker, “Give it up for Natalie Mendoza, who’s hanging in the air!”

Then the show had to be stopped for a further four times thanks to technical hitches.

Later on in the show, Spiderman was supposed to zoom off with some high drama, except, he got stuck in the rafters with three stagehands leaping up and down trying to grab at his legs to pull him down.

At another baffling juncture, the Goblin is seem playing a tune on the piano and again, thanks to a massive fuck-up, was left play and play and play while stage workers dashed around him trying to fix faulty equipment. Things got so bad that the Goblin broke out of character and started ad-libbing, breaking into ‘I’ll Take Manhattan.’

This went on for 3½ hours.

Sadly, Bono and The Edge missed all this as they were in Australia with U2. Shame. It sounds like they have missed one of the most hilarious nights out of 2010.

Poor ol’ Stan Lee. He must have dug himself a grave, just so he can spin in it for the rest of the day.

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