We go on the internet, sometimes, and this week we’ve been seeing lots of people ‘Tweeting’ about various musical videos which we intended to talk to you about, but we can’t seem to find them. Instead we’re hung up on the Hulk Hogan sex tape.
It does seem that lots of people have been doing things though and we’re not entirely sure when any of them found the time; between joining dross festival line-ups and announcing two-bit world tours, who has the time?
The Arctic Monkey’s, who the hell do they think they are releasing a steady stream of music like its 2004 all over again. Shall we watch some videos?
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On Monday, in an interview with Guardian Music, The Shamen’s Mr C revealed that their 1992 hit single Ebeneezer Goode was about ecstasy. Who would have thought it?
To celebrate this revelation, we were going to have a list of our favourite songs that seem to be about one thing, but are actually about another. We soon realised that almost all pop music is actually about sex whilst pretending to be about ding-a-lings, lollipops, divine hammers, relaxing, and the banging of gongs.
So we thought it would be easier to list our favourite songs about drugs.
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The greatest band in the whole wide world have got a new album. That’s right, supreme psychedelicists, The Junipers, are following up their ‘Cut Your Key’ LP with the wonderful, enchanting, downright POSITIVE longplayer, ‘Paint The Ground’.
Get that? A totally non-cynical, upbeat LP! How deeply unfashionable to be cheerful in the face of such unrelenting worldwide gloom.
The question is, have The Junipers pulled it off? Have they managed to top their near-perfect debut album?
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Well it’s been a hectic week in the business hasn’t it what with the death and the outrage and the awards and the fainting and the relaxing and the… oh god it just never ends.
We were going to say something heavily witty and sarcastic like, “Houston, we have a problem,” but then we thought it might a little insensitive so instead we decided to let Paula Abdul take all the heat with her whole, “Get over it already, it’s been like a week since your mom died, bitch,” statement.
In the midst of all this devastation someone had to keep the candle burning and that someone was obviously always going to be Will Young and his finely slicked hair. And so, to the newest pop promotional videos.
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Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in a much more elaborate and unnecessary way than the above sentence makes you think it might be worth.
The kitten doesn’t have a music video out, but we’re positive you can watch it singing on YouTube or, you can see it in your mind’s eye on ketamine; whatever takes your fancy really.
MIA on the other hand does have a video response out in antithesis to the popular Alexandra Burke song ‘Bad Boys’, which is nice for her. Shall we watch some new releases then?
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Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’
Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.
And so, here’s the new releases.
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World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.
We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.
Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?
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We’d love to tell you about the tragic things that have been happening this week, but we can’t get on Wikipedia because of some protest for some dumb law the stupid Americans are trying to enforce. We’d love to tell you what that law is, but you know we aren’t really all that knowledgeable about anything without the use of facts made up by people like you.
We do love it when the world wide web gets it’s knickers in a twist though and it seems like everyone is so we’re here to join in with our eloquently put words; FREE SPEECH IS WELL COOL.
In a tone more akin to what you’re used to seeing here we will now proceed to inform you about the abysmal endorsement of capitalism by Alex “absolute git hamper” James. You might recognise him as the bassist from Blur, or much more likely is that you’ve seen his name on a bag of pre-grated cheese in Asda. It all went downhill when they started slicing bread if you ask us. The once beacon of foppish country cool now hangs around with fellow swan-munchers Cameron and Clarkson sipping freshly juiced faecal matter from paper cups which they then use to muddy our big rotten society so it’s no surprise then to learn that he writes for The Sun now, obviously. Today he announced that he bums McDonalds—of course he calls it Maccy D’s—and Greggs, and KFC, and factory farming, and animal incest, and free love. Okay well maybe not the last one; nobody’s that sick.
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