Music News
Michael Jackson’s Fans Are Even More Mental Than He Is
A guest blog by Stuart Waterman from My Chemical Toilet... Last week saw Michael Jackson finally announce his live comeback, with a string of ten shows at London's O2. Those are the bare facts, but as with everything involving Michael Jackson there was a whole screaming funfair of blazing mentalism surrounding the five-minute 'press conference'. One man actually flew from the Americas to London just to see Michael Jackson wave and talk for five minutes. You'd hope there were a couple of decent movies being shown on the plane over, but if all he got was Bride Wars and Leprechaun 4: In Space it kind of serves him right. Because if there's one incontrovertible fact I've learned from writing a music blog, it's that Michael Jackson fans are so collectively brainshagged that they could almost be mistaken for trying to outcrazy their idol in order to make him appear more normal.
A guest blog by Stuart Waterman from My Chemical Toilet... Last week saw Michael Jackson finally announce his live comeback, with a string of ten shows at London's O2. Those are the bare facts, but as with everything involving Michael Jackson there was a whole screaming funfair of blazing mentalism surrounding the five-minute 'press conference'. One man actually flew from the Americas to London just to see Michael Jackson wave and talk for five minutes. You'd hope there were a couple of decent movies being shown on the plane over, but if all he got was Bride Wars and Leprechaun 4: In Space it kind of serves him right. Because if there's one incontrovertible fact I've learned from writing a music blog, it's that Michael Jackson fans are so collectively brainshagged that they could almost be mistaken for trying to outcrazy their idol in order to make him appear more normal.
Cops Take Over $1m Dollars From Several Unkempt Phish Fans
If you're a fan of Phish and you're reading this through reddened eyes, you probably went to their recent reunion concert. And if you went to the reunion concert, at some point you more than likely woke up in the trunk of a car next to a spare tire and several bloodied police batons. Had you your senses about you, you'd have noticed there were 193 other unconscious people crammed in there with you - all of them wearing rainbowy shirts. That's because local police really cracked down at the show - enough so to confiscate over $1,000,000 in illegal drugs, among other things.
If you're a fan of Phish and you're reading this through reddened eyes, you probably went to their recent reunion concert. And if you went to the reunion concert, at some point you more than likely woke up in the trunk of a car next to a spare tire and several bloodied police batons. Had you your senses about you, you'd have noticed there were 193 other unconscious people crammed in there with you - all of them wearing rainbowy shirts. That's because local police really cracked down at the show - enough so to confiscate over $1,000,000 in illegal drugs, among other things.
U2 Announce World Tour Dates, World Shudders A Little Bit
This is a public service announcement. U2 are about to tour their new album. Please seek shelter immediately, and may God have mercy on our souls. In news which people who like music are describing as "Oh God, really? That's just awful, is there any way we can stop this? A petition or something? Anything?", U2 have announced the details of their upcoming tour, during which they are expected to play U2 music while singing U2 lyrics. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then we can only assume you like drinking tea made from poison ivy leaves, with skunk sperm instead of milk and cat dander instead of sugar. U2 are terrible, is what we're saying.
This is a public service announcement. U2 are about to tour their new album. Please seek shelter immediately, and may God have mercy on our souls. In news which people who like music are describing as "Oh God, really? That's just awful, is there any way we can stop this? A petition or something? Anything?", U2 have announced the details of their upcoming tour, during which they are expected to play U2 music while singing U2 lyrics. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then we can only assume you like drinking tea made from poison ivy leaves, with skunk sperm instead of milk and cat dander instead of sugar. U2 are terrible, is what we're saying.
Some School Offers Post-Graduate Beatles Degree, Calls It Education
Usually when hecklerspray attends job interviews with a resume in-hand, the interviewers ask us things like "That thar piece a paper say you know how to dig graves?" Which it doesn't - and it never has. For years the only thing our resume has had printed on it are the words me, work and good. So far no takers, likely due to the economic climate. Our resume is probably in need of a makeover - once we have our absolutely real degree in advanced Beatles-ology from Liverpool Hope University - that's probably when potential employers will stop pushing us out of things.
Usually when hecklerspray attends job interviews with a resume in-hand, the interviewers ask us things like "That thar piece a paper say you know how to dig graves?" Which it doesn't - and it never has. For years the only thing our resume has had printed on it are the words me, work and good. So far no takers, likely due to the economic climate. Our resume is probably in need of a makeover - once we have our absolutely real degree in advanced Beatles-ology from Liverpool Hope University - that's probably when potential employers will stop pushing us out of things.
Michael Jackson Is Coming To London, It Says Here
OK, let's play a game - how long before Michael Jackson cancels his big comeback concerts in London? Because, let's face it, he will. Although Michael Jackson is supposedly going to announce a spectacular series of 30 comeback concerts at London's O2 tomorrow, there can't be anyone who's actually expecting them to, you know, happen. So what'll it be? Will Michael Jackson ditch the concerts once he's accepted the cheque? Will he pull out at the last possible second? Or will he perform the shows, regain his place in the pop elite and never look back? No, we're just messing. He won't.
OK, let's play a game - how long before Michael Jackson cancels his big comeback concerts in London? Because, let's face it, he will. Although Michael Jackson is supposedly going to announce a spectacular series of 30 comeback concerts at London's O2 tomorrow, there can't be anyone who's actually expecting them to, you know, happen. So what'll it be? Will Michael Jackson ditch the concerts once he's accepted the cheque? Will he pull out at the last possible second? Or will he perform the shows, regain his place in the pop elite and never look back? No, we're just messing. He won't.
Britney Spears Does Concert, Stays Sane, People Surprised
The phrase 'Britney's back' terrifies us - usually because it's followed by 'Britney's bald head' and 'Britney's clodge'. But this time Britney really is back. Yesterday, Britney Spears kicked off her 32-date comeback tour - almost certainly the most exhausting thing she's done recently, excluding any activities involving umbrellas, cars or uncontrollable roadside weeping. And guess what? Britney Spears' first concert was a success. We know this because the people who consider themselves rabid enough Britney Spears fans to justify spending hundreds of dollars to watch a past-her-prime singer jiggle around in a number of impractical and ill-fitting costumes said it was.
The phrase 'Britney's back' terrifies us - usually because it's followed by 'Britney's bald head' and 'Britney's clodge'. But this time Britney really is back. Yesterday, Britney Spears kicked off her 32-date comeback tour - almost certainly the most exhausting thing she's done recently, excluding any activities involving umbrellas, cars or uncontrollable roadside weeping. And guess what? Britney Spears' first concert was a success. We know this because the people who consider themselves rabid enough Britney Spears fans to justify spending hundreds of dollars to watch a past-her-prime singer jiggle around in a number of impractical and ill-fitting costumes said it was.
China Bans Oasis, And Not Just Because Oasis Are Rubbish
What with embracing capitalism and becoming a superpower and all, China's had a lot to deal with recently. But some things are still too much to cope with. Like lumpen, coasting indie music made by, in part, the bloke from Heavy Stereo, for instance. And that's why China has banned Oasis from performing there. The Chinese government's official explanation for the Oasis ban is that Noel Gallagher performed at a Free Tibet concert in 1997, although we've heard rumours that actually Vice Premier in charge of agriculture Hui Liangyu banned them because he much prefers the music of The Bluetones.
What with embracing capitalism and becoming a superpower and all, China's had a lot to deal with recently. But some things are still too much to cope with. Like lumpen, coasting indie music made by, in part, the bloke from Heavy Stereo, for instance. And that's why China has banned Oasis from performing there. The Chinese government's official explanation for the Oasis ban is that Noel Gallagher performed at a Free Tibet concert in 1997, although we've heard rumours that actually Vice Premier in charge of agriculture Hui Liangyu banned them because he much prefers the music of The Bluetones.
Jonas Brothers Topless In 3D Movie: All 12-Year-Old Girls Have Just Exploded
Attention, girls and creepy old men: the Jonas Brothers go boobs-out in their new film! We've seen some pretty nasty things at the cinema. Saw II. Albanian midgetporn. And that bit in The Love Guru between getting out of the car and getting back in the car - just sickening. But even our battle-hardened stomach has warned us we’re not to go and see the new Jonas Brothers movie, which shows the boys larking about backstage while semi-naked. It said if we try to watch the film, it'll start flinging organs up through our mouth one at a time until we promise to be good. Or die. Y'know, whichever.
Attention, girls and creepy old men: the Jonas Brothers go boobs-out in their new film! We've seen some pretty nasty things at the cinema. Saw II. Albanian midgetporn. And that bit in The Love Guru between getting out of the car and getting back in the car - just sickening. But even our battle-hardened stomach has warned us we’re not to go and see the new Jonas Brothers movie, which shows the boys larking about backstage while semi-naked. It said if we try to watch the film, it'll start flinging organs up through our mouth one at a time until we promise to be good. Or die. Y'know, whichever.
