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Music News

Jon Bon Jovi, Regrettably Not Dead (Also: Terrible Christmas Video)

by Mof Gimmers

Yesterday was great for death. Kim Jong-il (or, as some dumb American said, Kim Jong The Second) shrugged off his mortal coil while elsewhere, rumours floated around about various celebrity deaths! One such rumour was Brian Harvey (not dead, but can’t be far off) and another was Jon Bon Jovi. When Jon ‘Bon Jovi’ Bon [...]

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Michael Jackson’s Old Tat Sells For More Than It’s Worth

by Matthew Laidlow

If anybody tells you that car boot sales and charity shops are pointless, they clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. Nothing beats the wonders of rummaging through boxes on a cold early morning with a ropey £1 polystyrene cup of tea whilst searching for hidden gems. The high street charity shop is a haven [...]

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Let’s Spoil Britney Spears’ Surprise And All Tell Her She’s Getting Engaged Tonight

by Mof Gimmers

Hey! This story is so new that even Britney Spears doesn’t know about it and, crucially, it utterly regards to her possible happiness. Or indeed, the sobbing of a rejected beau. You don’t know what we’re talking about do you? Sorry. We’re excited. Excited to utterly spoil a surprise. See, tonight, Britney Spears’ boyfriend – [...]

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Courtney Love: Soon To Be Massively Homeless And Other Laughs

by Mof Gimmers

Imagine being Courtney Love for a second. Imagine, if you can, what it must be like to be that mental. Try and picture the look on people’s faces are you haul your bizarre face around the streets of the world. Just think, how brilliant it must be to be so deluded that you carry all [...]

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Selena Gomez Stalker Asks For Permanent Restraining Order – Amazing Scenes

by Paul Pencott

Stalkers of genuinely interesting people who warrant obsessive behaviour were thought to be applauding the actions of Thomas Brodnicki last night, as the aforementioned botherer of Selena Gomez asked for permanent, legally-binding non-contact with a woman few people have actually heard of. There had apparently been genuine fear amongst the terrifying community of medicated borderline-schizophrenics [...]

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Lana Del Ray’s Born To Die Merges Drip-Hop With Impressively Flat, Emotionless Singing! Hurray!

by Mof Gimmers

Lana Del Rey is the latest hot young thing that has a myriad of jaded twentysomethings tying their genitals in knots! She writes her own songs AND is kinda good looking! What a treat! What an unusual treat! Yep, pop music totally doesn’t have a habit of giving attractive people record deals, despite the negligible [...]

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Mumford & Sons Go ‘Doom Folk’ And We Demand An End To This Awful Music And Their Awful Fans

by Mof Gimmers

Terrible breakfast of shit, Mumford & Sons, want us to listen to them talking about their next album. As if it wasn’t enough that we had to endure their beige, tepid, tuneless, flaccid music in the first instance. And don’t say ‘Don’t like it, don’t listen’ because they’re bloody played EVERYWHERE, ALL THE STUPID TIME. [...]

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Stella Says Perfume Is Inspired By Linda McCartney Prompting Cruel Jokefest!

by Mof Gimmers

The McCartney family have done alright for themselves haven’t they? Weird that those related to a Beatle should make it completely off their own bat, eh? No help from famous papa there at all! Nope. Never. Anyway, the child that has done the best is Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella. She likes making clothes that [...]

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Michael Jackson’s Daughter Paris Starts Showbiz Young, Which Never Did Dad Any Harm

by Matthew Laidlow

They say that everyone deserves a second chance to learn from their mistakes. Or if you happen to have an ounce of intelligence, not copying the moves of those that led to their downfall. One of the greatest examples of cocking-up a childhood comes from no-other than the Jackson family. Whilst we were left marvelled [...]

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Pahaha! Look At The Stupid Girl With A Massive Drake Tattoo On Her Face!

by Mof Gimmers

If you haven’t heard of rapper Drake, firstly, well done. Secondly, if you’re wondering what he’s like, then imagine a depressed divorcee listlessly cooing at a microwave meal for one, and you’re somewhere close. Basically, Drake is the Michael Bolton of hip hop. He’s so lame that chocolate fireguards pity him, and we all know [...]

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