Music News
Beyonce Isn’t An Incredibly Terrible Singer, Says Beyonce
As we all know, Beyonce is a leading authority on jiggling her bottom around and shouting about how much she hates men. But apparently Beyonce also sings. It's news to us - we thought the music on that Single Ladies video was merely a backing accompaniment so that Beyonce could keep time while she attempted to repeatedly poke our eyes out with her pelvic floor. However, Beyonce's reputation as a singer has been sorely dented by a fake leaked soundboard feed, since it essentially makes her sound like the Star Trek theme tune played on a xylophone made out of cats.
As we all know, Beyonce is a leading authority on jiggling her bottom around and shouting about how much she hates men. But apparently Beyonce also sings. It's news to us - we thought the music on that Single Ladies video was merely a backing accompaniment so that Beyonce could keep time while she attempted to repeatedly poke our eyes out with her pelvic floor. However, Beyonce's reputation as a singer has been sorely dented by a fake leaked soundboard feed, since it essentially makes her sound like the Star Trek theme tune played on a xylophone made out of cats.
Morrissey All Boo Hoo With Meat Eaters At Coachella Festival
Hooray! It’s that time of year again where bands of all genres play to thousands of music lovers around the world. And, thanks to its eclectic line-up and decent weather, Coachella is becoming one of the biggest. Hosted in a Californian desert, people flock from all over America to attend. One of this year’s performers was Morrissey - a man so removed of happiness that a trip to a furniture shop, a stint watching paint dry and a visit to a cemetery bring more joy than an hour of his company. The much-publicised vegetarian got slightly pissy during his Friday slot as his nostrils sniffed the odour of burgers and other meaty delights. Of course he didn’t keep his opinions to himself.
Hooray! It’s that time of year again where bands of all genres play to thousands of music lovers around the world. And, thanks to its eclectic line-up and decent weather, Coachella is becoming one of the biggest. Hosted in a Californian desert, people flock from all over America to attend. One of this year’s performers was Morrissey - a man so removed of happiness that a trip to a furniture shop, a stint watching paint dry and a visit to a cemetery bring more joy than an hour of his company. The much-publicised vegetarian got slightly pissy during his Friday slot as his nostrils sniffed the odour of burgers and other meaty delights. Of course he didn’t keep his opinions to himself.
Coldplay Deny Stealing That Song That Sounds Exactly Like Theirs
Quickly - try to think of something more boring than a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay. You can't, can you? That's because legal disputes between Joe Satriani and Coldplay are the most boring things ever created. If you look up 'boring' in the dictionary, you won't see a picture of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay, because when the author thought about drawing an illustration of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay he became so overwhelmed with boredom that he shot himself. Anyway, Coldplay have denied stealing a Joe Satriani song. That was our point.
Quickly - try to think of something more boring than a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay. You can't, can you? That's because legal disputes between Joe Satriani and Coldplay are the most boring things ever created. If you look up 'boring' in the dictionary, you won't see a picture of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay, because when the author thought about drawing an illustration of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay he became so overwhelmed with boredom that he shot himself. Anyway, Coldplay have denied stealing a Joe Satriani song. That was our point.
The Beatles Reunite! Minus Two Members!
There’s nothing more we love then seeing a band reunite so they can relive former glories. Of course, it would be cynical of us to see it as a money making money opportunity, but what do we know? Perhaps in fifty years time, the current writing staff of hecklerspray will get together in a grotty boozer to relive the past. Plenty of bands such as Led Zeppelin, Take That and - despite no one wanting them - Crowded House have reformed for gigs and spanking new material. Now one of the world’s finest bands have come back together, just minus a couple of key band members.
There’s nothing more we love then seeing a band reunite so they can relive former glories. Of course, it would be cynical of us to see it as a money making money opportunity, but what do we know? Perhaps in fifty years time, the current writing staff of hecklerspray will get together in a grotty boozer to relive the past. Plenty of bands such as Led Zeppelin, Take That and - despite no one wanting them - Crowded House have reformed for gigs and spanking new material. Now one of the world’s finest bands have come back together, just minus a couple of key band members.
ACM Entertainer Award Won By… A Woman? Mercy!
Every year the ACM awards - like the Grammys but more buck-toothed and NASCAR-fixated - end up the same way. Kenny Chesney wins. Every year - no matter how obviously unentertaining he's been - Kenny Chesney wins the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award, even though he basically has a hat instead of an actual personality. But this year the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award went to Carrie Underwood, who is female. Carrie Underwood's win shocked the country music community, with some members worried that if women can win gender-unspecific ACM awards then next they'll be allowed to vote or drive or something.
Every year the ACM awards - like the Grammys but more buck-toothed and NASCAR-fixated - end up the same way. Kenny Chesney wins. Every year - no matter how obviously unentertaining he's been - Kenny Chesney wins the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award, even though he basically has a hat instead of an actual personality. But this year the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award went to Carrie Underwood, who is female. Carrie Underwood's win shocked the country music community, with some members worried that if women can win gender-unspecific ACM awards then next they'll be allowed to vote or drive or something.
Black Metal Villain Released From Prison
In some circles, the name Varg Vikernes represents a figure of a musical vision, a thinker and a powerful individualist. To most, it refers to a convicted arsonist a murderer… and a fascist. In 1994, Vikernes, the self styled ‘Count Grishnackh’ sat on trial in Bergen, Norway, for the murder of , black metal aka ‘Euronymous’ of rival band Mayhem and the arson of churches. As he was given Norway’s maximum 21-year sentence, he smiled. It was an event that rocked international headlines and brought black metal (The most extreme wing of Heavy Metal music) screaming from the fog of obscurity. After rotting in his cell for 16 years, Varg Vikernes has emerged from Tromsø prison claiming to be ready for society.
In some circles, the name Varg Vikernes represents a figure of a musical vision, a thinker and a powerful individualist. To most, it refers to a convicted arsonist a murderer… and a fascist. In 1994, Vikernes, the self styled ‘Count Grishnackh’ sat on trial in Bergen, Norway, for the murder of , black metal aka ‘Euronymous’ of rival band Mayhem and the arson of churches. As he was given Norway’s maximum 21-year sentence, he smiled. It was an event that rocked international headlines and brought black metal (The most extreme wing of Heavy Metal music) screaming from the fog of obscurity. After rotting in his cell for 16 years, Varg Vikernes has emerged from Tromsø prison claiming to be ready for society.
PETA Furious Over Michael Jackson’s Flying Circus
Wacko Jacko is under fire after the European wing of PETA threw an ethical bomb at his 50-date O2 extravaganza. His extensive residence at London's O2 Arena, starting July 8th, is reported to be 'jungle-themed' and will feature an African elephant, processions of panthers, parrots, wild birds and Masai warriors... but thankfully, no children are involved. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals choked on their tofu salads when they caught wind of Jacko's plans and responded immediately with pleading letters, bags of flour and a resurrected report of the star's sordid past with the animal kingdom.
Wacko Jacko is under fire after the European wing of PETA threw an ethical bomb at his 50-date O2 extravaganza. His extensive residence at London's O2 Arena, starting July 8th, is reported to be 'jungle-themed' and will feature an African elephant, processions of panthers, parrots, wild birds and Masai warriors... but thankfully, no children are involved. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals choked on their tofu salads when they caught wind of Jacko's plans and responded immediately with pleading letters, bags of flour and a resurrected report of the star's sordid past with the animal kingdom.
Leon Jackson Dropped For Being Utterly Gash
Leon Jackson, we all know him as the crying little Scottish boy who appeared on X Factor in 2007. When it got down to the grand final between himself and freaky silver-haired Rhydian Roberts it was genuinely assumed that Rhydian would win. Probably because he was a better singer and didn’t weep as much. Somehow, Leon clinched victory and won a lucrative record contract. Rhydian lost, but still managed to get an album deal. Now it appears that Rhydian Roberts has had the last laugh as his rival has been dropped by Sony. We’re trying not to cry either.
Leon Jackson, we all know him as the crying little Scottish boy who appeared on X Factor in 2007. When it got down to the grand final between himself and freaky silver-haired Rhydian Roberts it was genuinely assumed that Rhydian would win. Probably because he was a better singer and didn’t weep as much. Somehow, Leon clinched victory and won a lucrative record contract. Rhydian lost, but still managed to get an album deal. Now it appears that Rhydian Roberts has had the last laugh as his rival has been dropped by Sony. We’re trying not to cry either.
