Music News
Shakira Is A Wolf And SHE WILL EAT YOU
WARNING: Popular contortionist and nutbag yodeller Shakira has gone feral and may have killed no or more men. It's true. Last week, two eyewitness videos appeared on YouTube showing the diminutive singer grievously attacking two men in New York City. Now literally fives of YouTubers across the globe have posted similar videos, in which many of the attackers don't actually resemble Shakira in any way. We can only conclude that Shakira is a shapeshifter and that you, reader, may be in danger even as you read this.
WARNING: Popular contortionist and nutbag yodeller Shakira has gone feral and may have killed no or more men. It's true. Last week, two eyewitness videos appeared on YouTube showing the diminutive singer grievously attacking two men in New York City. Now literally fives of YouTubers across the globe have posted similar videos, in which many of the attackers don't actually resemble Shakira in any way. We can only conclude that Shakira is a shapeshifter and that you, reader, may be in danger even as you read this.
Kate Moss Does The World A Bit Of Good
Kate Moss is a model who has made her living by prancing up and down various catwalks in vile overpriced garments. She's also a world leader when it comes to helping musicians record their worst material. Pete Doherty, The Lemonheads, Primal Scream - at one point or another, they've all decided that what their sound really needs is a flatly disinterested Croydon mew droning out of the left speaker. Now that Kate Moss is with another rubbish indie frontman, That Tit From The Kills, she's inspired a whole new album of wrongness. But it's OK - she destroyed the only known recordings! Go Kate! You earned that Jaffa cake!
Kate Moss is a model who has made her living by prancing up and down various catwalks in vile overpriced garments. She's also a world leader when it comes to helping musicians record their worst material. Pete Doherty, The Lemonheads, Primal Scream - at one point or another, they've all decided that what their sound really needs is a flatly disinterested Croydon mew droning out of the left speaker. Now that Kate Moss is with another rubbish indie frontman, That Tit From The Kills, she's inspired a whole new album of wrongness. But it's OK - she destroyed the only known recordings! Go Kate! You earned that Jaffa cake!
Adam Lambert Releases Brand New, Four-Year-Old Debut Album
We're just the same as you. Since he won American Idol, we've been eagerly anticipating Adam Lambert's debut album too. Hang on, what do you mean Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol? And what do you mean Adam Lambert recorded his debut album On With The Show four years ago for a small independent record label and it's about to be released against his wishes? Wow, we really didn't know as much about Adam Lambert as we thought we did. Still, at least we can all agree on one thing about Adam Lambert - he must love his wife very much.
We're just the same as you. Since he won American Idol, we've been eagerly anticipating Adam Lambert's debut album too. Hang on, what do you mean Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol? And what do you mean Adam Lambert recorded his debut album On With The Show four years ago for a small independent record label and it's about to be released against his wishes? Wow, we really didn't know as much about Adam Lambert as we thought we did. Still, at least we can all agree on one thing about Adam Lambert - he must love his wife very much.
REVIEW: Pixies’ Secret Gig At Village Underground
Last night Pixies played a secret gig at Village Underground in Shoreditch to support the launch of the Minotaur box set. It was an invite-only affair and there were only about 300 lucky people allowed to witness the event. Hecklerspray was invited to attend, and we took a few readers with us. Our collective ears are still buzzing.
Whiney Houston’s Coming! Hide Your Crackpipe!
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
Is Adam Lambert The New Freddie Mercury? Probably Not, No
The American Idol final is gone. Gone but not forgotten. Following the victory of Kris Whateverhisnamewas, the shock is still palpable. But don't think that fallen American Idol loser Adam Lambert won't have the last laugh. Kris Allen may have won the battle, but Adam Lambert has won the war - Adam Lambert's going to be the new singer of Queen! Except he isn't. Brian May mumbled something about it recently, which means that Adam Lambert will probably end up being the fourth male lead in the pan-Siberian touring version of We Will Rock Rock You in about 15 years' time. Fact.
The American Idol final is gone. Gone but not forgotten. Following the victory of Kris Whateverhisnamewas, the shock is still palpable. But don't think that fallen American Idol loser Adam Lambert won't have the last laugh. Kris Allen may have won the battle, but Adam Lambert has won the war - Adam Lambert's going to be the new singer of Queen! Except he isn't. Brian May mumbled something about it recently, which means that Adam Lambert will probably end up being the fourth male lead in the pan-Siberian touring version of We Will Rock Rock You in about 15 years' time. Fact.
World’s Soul Screams Unending Cry Of Agony As Blink-182 Reform
God, why do you hate us so? If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog. We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles. And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.
God, why do you hate us so? If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog. We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles. And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.
Michael Jackson’s Comeback Might Not Happen After All
You read that right. Michael Jackson's London comeback could be in jeopardy already. But why? Has his nose fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's nose hasn't fallen off. Has his chin fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's chin hasn't fallen off. Has one of his eyebrows come loose? Look, Michael Jackson's comeback isn't in danger because parts of his anatomy keep dropping off, OK? There's another reason. Concentrate. Remember who we're talking about. He's been sued! Apparently Michael once signed a contract promising not to perform in public until 2010, and now it's returned to bite him on what remains of his arse.
You read that right. Michael Jackson's London comeback could be in jeopardy already. But why? Has his nose fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's nose hasn't fallen off. Has his chin fallen off? No, Michael Jackson's chin hasn't fallen off. Has one of his eyebrows come loose? Look, Michael Jackson's comeback isn't in danger because parts of his anatomy keep dropping off, OK? There's another reason. Concentrate. Remember who we're talking about. He's been sued! Apparently Michael once signed a contract promising not to perform in public until 2010, and now it's returned to bite him on what remains of his arse.
