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Music News

Lil Wayne To Write About His Time In Prison: Soap Still Not Picked Up In Showers

by Mof Gimmers

Rap troll, Lil Wayne is going to release his prison diaries, just in time for next Christmas. That’ll be a nice present for your nana won’t it? In it, he’ll probably talk to God a lot while simultaneously glamorising his pretend ‘thug’ lifestyle. But will he be mentioning the poundings he took around the anus [...]

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BRIT Awards Nomination Sadness: Ed Sheeran Still Horrendous

by Euan L Davidson

The annual circle-jerking of overrated, but cosy, inoffensive British acts on major labels are all getting a trophy and a party bag. The Wanker Olympics Category Thing – or the BRIT Award Nominations as they’re more commonly known – have been announced, much to the chagrin of anyone with the remotest taste in music. Sub-Jack-Johnson-and-no-really-there-are-worse-people-than-Jack-Johnson [...]

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Wizened Old Hag, Madonna, Shares Secret Of ‘Youth’

by Mof Gimmers

Mumm-Ra of pop, Madonna, with her face like an elephant’s knee… with her forehead like Bob Hope’s elbow scrag… with a neck like a deflated basketball’s scrotum, has been asked about the secret of her youthful face. Yes, feel free to wipe the contents of your mouth off your computer monitor. So what keeps Madge’s [...]

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Snoop Dogg Arrested For Weed (Bear Also Arrested For Defecating In Woodland Area)

by Mof Gimmers

What do we know about Snoop Dogg? Well, firstly, he’s a rapper. Secondly, he’s all long, thin and funny looking. Thirdly, he likes weed. He really, really like his cheeba. He mentions it all the time. So much so that you might think he protest too much and that he’s actually never tried it. Or [...]

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Ellie Goulding’s Massive Jaw, Now Utterly Single

by Mof Gimmers

The Rocky Dennis of pop, Ellie Goulding, has really got something to be justifiably long-faced about – she’s only gone and split up with some boyfriend that we didn’t even know she had in the first place.  Tragic news. It transpires that her now-ex goes by the name of Greg James and, remarkably, he’s a [...]

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Chris Brown Won’t Be Doing Interviews In 2012 Because He’s Tired Of Being Reminded That He’s An Idiot

by Mof Gimmers

Oh dear. Poor ol’ Chris Brown has got his boxing gloves in a twist. See, he doesn’t like people asking him about the terrible things he’s done in the past. The last time someone broached the topic of him punching Rihanna, he tore his shirt off and threw a chair at a window. And so, [...]

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Jason Derulo Says His Own Name Then Promptly Breaks His Neck (Is There No End To His Talents?)

by Mof Gimmers

Jassson Deruuulo. Yes. Jason Derulo has been forced to cancel his worldwide tour after fracturing his neck during rehearsals because he’s just so damn talented at repeating his own name and, y’know, being a massive raving secret lemonade drinker. Jassson Deruuulo. That’s right. According to various reports, the not-at-all-closeted singing sensation was attempting some kind [...]

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Lady Gaga To Release New Album In 2012 (Still Time To Clean Your Gas Mask And Finish Your Anderson Shelter)

by Robin Darke

Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks [...]

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Robbie Williams Carelessly Murdered By Misguided Dream Assassins

by Michael Park

Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams prophesied that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important. The egotist, [...]

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Taylor Swift To Pollute The Inevitably Awful Les Miserables Movie

by Mof Gimmers

Taylor Swift (the Hayseed Barbie) has apparently been offered the role of Eponine in Tom Hooper’s new ‘Les Miserables’ film, which is clearly terrible news for those chumps amongst you who like overwrought musicals. What’ll irritate the purists even more is that Swift has seemingly beaten off (no, not like that) actual actors including Lea [...]

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