Music News
Meat Loaf & Ace Frehley Fulfill Old Men’s Fantasies (Non-Sexually, Thankfully)
What's your favourite rock n' roll fantasy? Is it that you're married to Cher? It would go some way to explaining why you keep creeping into her bedroom, at least. Perhaps it's that Kurt Cobain is still alive? That's cool, but it does mean we would probably have been denied Foo Fighters, who have had more hits and are therefore almost certainly better than Nirvana. What? Your favourite rock n' roll fantasy involves noodling on a guitar in a windowless studio with a sweaty old man for hours at a time? Then you might want to get your Mojo-loving arse along to Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.
What's your favourite rock n' roll fantasy? Is it that you're married to Cher? It would go some way to explaining why you keep creeping into her bedroom, at least. Perhaps it's that Kurt Cobain is still alive? That's cool, but it does mean we would probably have been denied Foo Fighters, who have had more hits and are therefore almost certainly better than Nirvana. What? Your favourite rock n' roll fantasy involves noodling on a guitar in a windowless studio with a sweaty old man for hours at a time? Then you might want to get your Mojo-loving arse along to Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.
VMA Nominations: Beyonce & Lady Gaga Fight To The Death (Hopefully)
The MTV VMAs always excite - they only reward the best, most exciting, most innovative artists working today. Or Britney Spears, which is what happened last year. But given that no major pop stars have had terrifying nervous breakdowns and then agreed to make a documentary for MTV that's basically 90 minutes of them sobbing forlornly this year, hopefully the VMAs will be business as usual. Except this year's MTV VMA nominations have just been announced and, along with Beyonce, Lady Gaga has gained the most nods. So by 'business as usual' we mean 'tedious, deliberately controversial, badly dressed and worryingly mannish'.
The MTV VMAs always excite - they only reward the best, most exciting, most innovative artists working today. Or Britney Spears, which is what happened last year. But given that no major pop stars have had terrifying nervous breakdowns and then agreed to make a documentary for MTV that's basically 90 minutes of them sobbing forlornly this year, hopefully the VMAs will be business as usual. Except this year's MTV VMA nominations have just been announced and, along with Beyonce, Lady Gaga has gained the most nods. So by 'business as usual' we mean 'tedious, deliberately controversial, badly dressed and worryingly mannish'.
The Pussycat Dolls Grimly Refuse To Split Up
The Pussycat Dolls are NOT splitting up. No. Definitely not. If there's one rule in pop music that is set in stone, it's that news that bands are breaking up are immediately preceded by a denial that they are breaking up. So when a representative for Pussycat Dolls announced that, contrary to rumours, the band are NOT breaking up, they just substantially added to those very same rumours. Pussycat Dolls famously made a career out of a single (Don't Cha) whose subtext was 'we'll do that thing in the bedroom that made your girlfriend scream "eww, no" when you suggested it that night after you came back from the pub'. The Dolls' founder Robin Antin explained that if they were going to split up, the news would come from him.
The Pussycat Dolls are NOT splitting up. No. Definitely not. If there's one rule in pop music that is set in stone, it's that news that bands are breaking up are immediately preceded by a denial that they are breaking up. So when a representative for Pussycat Dolls announced that, contrary to rumours, the band are NOT breaking up, they just substantially added to those very same rumours. Pussycat Dolls famously made a career out of a single (Don't Cha) whose subtext was 'we'll do that thing in the bedroom that made your girlfriend scream "eww, no" when you suggested it that night after you came back from the pub'. The Dolls' founder Robin Antin explained that if they were going to split up, the news would come from him.
Eminem Vs Mariah Carey: The Next Interminable Round
It's becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the honking, toothless, meth-addicted, redneck, laundry-airing Jerry Springer guests of pop. Yes, that's better. So far, Eminem wrote a song about having sex with Mariah Carey, then Mariah Carey wrote a song calling Eminem obsessed, and now Eminem has written a song threatening to release voicemails and nude pictures of Mariah. Coming soon, Mariah says that Eminem runs like a girl and has fleas and wets the bed. IDST.
It's becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the honking, toothless, meth-addicted, redneck, laundry-airing Jerry Springer guests of pop. Yes, that's better. So far, Eminem wrote a song about having sex with Mariah Carey, then Mariah Carey wrote a song calling Eminem obsessed, and now Eminem has written a song threatening to release voicemails and nude pictures of Mariah. Coming soon, Mariah says that Eminem runs like a girl and has fleas and wets the bed. IDST.
Michael Jackson Records New Song FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE
Michael Jackson was many things in his life - the new James Brown, the new Elvis Presley, the new Gary Glitter. But now? Now Michael Jackson is new Tupac. When he died, Michael Jackson apparently left 200 unreleased songs for his children to financially benefit from. Well, his children and the awful 1970s folk-country band America, that is. An unreleased Michael Jackson song has just been leaked, and it's almost identical to their song A Horse With No Name. That's right - before he died, Michael Jackson went country. We assume it was to make his child molesting accusations look less horrific in comparison.
Michael Jackson was many things in his life - the new James Brown, the new Elvis Presley, the new Gary Glitter. But now? Now Michael Jackson is new Tupac. When he died, Michael Jackson apparently left 200 unreleased songs for his children to financially benefit from. Well, his children and the awful 1970s folk-country band America, that is. An unreleased Michael Jackson song has just been leaked, and it's almost identical to their song A Horse With No Name. That's right - before he died, Michael Jackson went country. We assume it was to make his child molesting accusations look less horrific in comparison.
Young Aryan Transsexual Makes Brave Life Choices For Mediocre Eurodisco
What would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software? You'd get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn't about him. This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.
What would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software? You'd get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn't about him. This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.
Blur Vs Oasis Again: If Foreman Was A Cockney & Ali Wore Sheepskin
Has Nick Leeson just been arrested for his part in the downfall of Barings bank? Has eBay just been founded? Has Rose West just been sentenced for the killing of 10 women and children? No, that’s because it’s not 1995 any more (sorry, mid-90s fans). But looking at some headlines you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s 1995, because the WAR between Oasis and Blur is back ON. Apparently.
Has Nick Leeson just been arrested for his part in the downfall of Barings bank? Has eBay just been founded? Has Rose West just been sentenced for the killing of 10 women and children? No, that’s because it’s not 1995 any more (sorry, mid-90s fans). But looking at some headlines you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s 1995, because the WAR between Oasis and Blur is back ON. Apparently.
It’s The Hecklerspray Glastonbury 2009 Preview!
Glastonbury Festival is imminent. You should know this because every single stinking update on Facebook is counting down to the non-event like some mud-clogged Doomsday Clock. People from all over the world are bracing themselves for a weekend of squinting into pixelated screens three miles from the stage, dodging hugs from Earth Mothers and ducking lobbed cups full of dog puke. Oh, and Status Quo are on.
Glastonbury Festival is imminent. You should know this because every single stinking update on Facebook is counting down to the non-event like some mud-clogged Doomsday Clock. People from all over the world are bracing themselves for a weekend of squinting into pixelated screens three miles from the stage, dodging hugs from Earth Mothers and ducking lobbed cups full of dog puke. Oh, and Status Quo are on.
