Music News
Listen To Michael Jackson’s Brand New 18-Year-Old Song
Michael Jackson's aborted comeback shows were dubbed This Is It. And his new movie is called This Is It. Now Michael Jackson has a new song. Guess what it's called. That's right - it's called Mr Dingleberry's Enchanted Bloodhound. No, no it's not. It's also called This Is It. And the good news is that, provided that Free As A Bird is your favourite Beatles song and you feel that Tupac Shakur never really came into his own until several years after he died, it isn't completely awful. You want to listen to Michael Jackson's This Is It, don't you? Oh, go on then.
Michael Jackson's aborted comeback shows were dubbed This Is It. And his new movie is called This Is It. Now Michael Jackson has a new song. Guess what it's called. That's right - it's called Mr Dingleberry's Enchanted Bloodhound. No, no it's not. It's also called This Is It. And the good news is that, provided that Free As A Bird is your favourite Beatles song and you feel that Tupac Shakur never really came into his own until several years after he died, it isn't completely awful. You want to listen to Michael Jackson's This Is It, don't you? Oh, go on then.
The Jackson 5 Decide It’s Time To Cash In
We hate things that mislead or confuse us. Just the other week we decided to dine out at an all you can eat restaurant. Pay your money and grab a plate, that’s the basic premise. Simple or what? Apparently not in our case. Many hours later, the management asked us to leave as we’d supposedly had too much and were ruining everything for everyone else. We beg to differ. As far as we can remember, The Jackson 5 was made up of Marlon, Jackie, Tito, Michael and Jermaine. Quite recently, one of the members passed away, thus destroying anything that can kind of be marketed as The Jackson 5. But ballsacks to everyone, because the remaining brothers have decided to knock out a brand new compilation album featuring remixes and unreleased tracks. Holy hell, we hope Joe Jackson isn’t trying to impersonate Michael.
We hate things that mislead or confuse us. Just the other week we decided to dine out at an all you can eat restaurant. Pay your money and grab a plate, that’s the basic premise. Simple or what? Apparently not in our case. Many hours later, the management asked us to leave as we’d supposedly had too much and were ruining everything for everyone else. We beg to differ. As far as we can remember, The Jackson 5 was made up of Marlon, Jackie, Tito, Michael and Jermaine. Quite recently, one of the members passed away, thus destroying anything that can kind of be marketed as The Jackson 5. But ballsacks to everyone, because the remaining brothers have decided to knock out a brand new compilation album featuring remixes and unreleased tracks. Holy hell, we hope Joe Jackson isn’t trying to impersonate Michael.
Kanye West Cancels Tour, Possibly Because Beyonce’s Tour Is Better
If you enjoy paying to see odd men repeatedly bellow about how brilliant they are for two full hours, we have bad news. Kanye West has cancelled his tour. Kanye West and Lady Gaga were due to perform a tour across America this winter. But now, just a few weeks after he broke little Taylor Swift's heart into pieces at the MTV VMAs, Kanye has decided to scrap the whole thing. Yo Kanye, we're really happy for you, we're gonna let you finish but Michael Jackson had one of the best tour cancellations of all time. One of the BEST OF ALL TIME!
If you enjoy paying to see odd men repeatedly bellow about how brilliant they are for two full hours, we have bad news. Kanye West has cancelled his tour. Kanye West and Lady Gaga were due to perform a tour across America this winter. But now, just a few weeks after he broke little Taylor Swift's heart into pieces at the MTV VMAs, Kanye has decided to scrap the whole thing. Yo Kanye, we're really happy for you, we're gonna let you finish but Michael Jackson had one of the best tour cancellations of all time. One of the BEST OF ALL TIME!
Britney Spears Releases Another Song About Her Manky Old Clodge
Britney Spears has a new single out. It's called 3, so presumably it's about the highest number she can count to. Just kidding. It's about the amount of braincells Britney Spears has left. Just kidding. It's about the number of industrial-sized bottles of toilet cleaner that Britney Spears had to drink before allowing Kevin Federline to marry her. Just kidding. It's about the number of people who have an unblocked view of Britney Spears' vagina at any given time. Just kidding. It's actually about Britney Spears having sex with two people at once. We think we preferred the toilet cleaner one.
Britney Spears has a new single out. It's called 3, so presumably it's about the highest number she can count to. Just kidding. It's about the amount of braincells Britney Spears has left. Just kidding. It's about the number of industrial-sized bottles of toilet cleaner that Britney Spears had to drink before allowing Kevin Federline to marry her. Just kidding. It's about the number of people who have an unblocked view of Britney Spears' vagina at any given time. Just kidding. It's actually about Britney Spears having sex with two people at once. We think we preferred the toilet cleaner one.
Michael Jackson Thought Thriller Was A Load Of Old Donkey Toss
To the untrained eye, you might think that every article on here is written after a long night of drinking. That simply isn’t true. Every single word here goes through a tedious process. First a monkey punches a typewriter, then the results are passed to a child for English practice, then a gormless writer edits it. Michael Jackson possibly went through the same routine when releasing his albums. With a crotch touch here and a flaming hairdo there, everything was tuned to a fine key. But recent tapes featuring the singer in conversation supposedly suggest he hated the original recordings of Thriller. So much so that he wanted to pig out on ice-cream. Maybe.
To the untrained eye, you might think that every article on here is written after a long night of drinking. That simply isn’t true. Every single word here goes through a tedious process. First a monkey punches a typewriter, then the results are passed to a child for English practice, then a gormless writer edits it. Michael Jackson possibly went through the same routine when releasing his albums. With a crotch touch here and a flaming hairdo there, everything was tuned to a fine key. But recent tapes featuring the singer in conversation supposedly suggest he hated the original recordings of Thriller. So much so that he wanted to pig out on ice-cream. Maybe.
New Michael Jackson Song Alert!
Hey, remember Michael Jackson? He was such a hip guy, with those zany dance moves, that massive afro, the pet monkey, and the video about the zombies. That's how we like to remember him anyway. The latter version of the King of Pop rather resembled a melting clown. No one needs that image tattooed on their mind's eye. The great news for weeping Jackson fans around the world, with their "We Love You Michael" t-shirts, and their wonderfully forgiving nature, is that before he drifted into a long, silent slumber, he had left behind some pop records for those around him to cash in on. The first of which shall be a single, called - rather appropriately - "This Is It".
Hey, remember Michael Jackson? He was such a hip guy, with those zany dance moves, that massive afro, the pet monkey, and the video about the zombies. That's how we like to remember him anyway. The latter version of the King of Pop rather resembled a melting clown. No one needs that image tattooed on their mind's eye. The great news for weeping Jackson fans around the world, with their "We Love You Michael" t-shirts, and their wonderfully forgiving nature, is that before he drifted into a long, silent slumber, he had left behind some pop records for those around him to cash in on. The first of which shall be a single, called - rather appropriately - "This Is It".
Whitney Houston’s Comeback Goes As Well As Can Be Expected
With her new album I Look To You, Whitney Houston has a lot to prove. OK, actually that's a lie - she doesn't. Whitney Houston only needs to prove three things. That she can sing, that she's beaten drugs, and that she doesn't need loved ones to remove hard-to-reach faecal clods from her rectum with their fingers. Yesterday Whitney Houston marked her comeback with a TV performance. And it was a total success, provided that your definition of success involves a woman breathlessly speaking the lyrics of her songs like an asthmatic being chased up a hill by an angry dog.
With her new album I Look To You, Whitney Houston has a lot to prove. OK, actually that's a lie - she doesn't. Whitney Houston only needs to prove three things. That she can sing, that she's beaten drugs, and that she doesn't need loved ones to remove hard-to-reach faecal clods from her rectum with their fingers. Yesterday Whitney Houston marked her comeback with a TV performance. And it was a total success, provided that your definition of success involves a woman breathlessly speaking the lyrics of her songs like an asthmatic being chased up a hill by an angry dog.
Bob Dylan To Massacre Every Christmas Song You Ever Loved
Ah, Christmas. Goodwill to all men, figgy puddings, the first dusting of snow, the scent of nutmeg in the air. Creepy old men who look like retired cowboy transvestites. Said creepy old men bawling Here Comes Santa Claus in a way that's so off-kilter and tuneless that it inadvertently leads every child who hears it to believe that Santa Claus is some sort of dangerous child molester, and then honking gracelessly into a harmonica for 45 minutes until the festive spirit of goodwill has been obliterated completely. That's right - Bob Dylan is bringing out a Christmas album. It will be wonderful.
Ah, Christmas. Goodwill to all men, figgy puddings, the first dusting of snow, the scent of nutmeg in the air. Creepy old men who look like retired cowboy transvestites. Said creepy old men bawling Here Comes Santa Claus in a way that's so off-kilter and tuneless that it inadvertently leads every child who hears it to believe that Santa Claus is some sort of dangerous child molester, and then honking gracelessly into a harmonica for 45 minutes until the festive spirit of goodwill has been obliterated completely. That's right - Bob Dylan is bringing out a Christmas album. It will be wonderful.
