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Music News

Prince Wins A Webby

by Stuart Heritage

Tiny purple porno pygmy Prince is riding on the crest of a critical renaissance at the moment. Although he’ll never be the tiny mental superstar of old, Prince is slowly beginning to find acceptance again.

And there’s one group of society which loves Prince more than anyone else. No, not the booking panel of every single awards show ever – although they really do bloody well love him, but the Internet community. For Prince has just won a Webby award for the way he uses the Internet to sell his music. Which, reading between the lines, means that Prince won an award because no record label in its right mind wanted to try and sell his 45-minute-long jazzy instrumental noodling CDs, but hey.

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Taylor Hicks To Release Doobie Brothers Single

by Stuart Heritage

The winners of American Idol seem to have been working on some kind of bouncing ball principle. Kelly Clarkson won American Idol and became a megastar, then the fat bloke and the other two won American Idol and didn’t.

But that should all change now, since Taylor Hicks won American Idol. Taylor’s freaky hooting-and-yelping vocal style is distinct enough to make him a global superstar, shouldn’t it? Well, that was the plan until Taylor Hicks decided to release his first ever single. Taylor Hicks is announcing the start of his career as a recording artist with a Doobie Brothers cover version. The Doobie Brothers!

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Beyonce To Release New B’Day Album On Her Birthday

by Stuart Heritage

As far as marketing strategies go, it’s a bit of a rubbish one. September 4 is the 25th birthday of wobbly-arsed warbler Beyonce. And it’s also the release date for Beyonce’s second album.

What’s the title of Beyonce’s second album? B’Day. Do you see? Because September 4 is Beyonce’s birthday. Birthday. B’Day. Clever, huh? And Beyonce’s name begins with a B. So B’Day means ‘birthday’ and ‘Beyonce day’. This is all getting a bit too clever for us. If only someone would also buy Beyonce a type of sink for washing her genitalia and anus in as a gift for her birthday, then we’d have the holy trinity of a Beyonce B’Day, a birthday B’Day and a bidet B’Day.

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East 17 Reunite To Top Up Pie Fund

by Stuart Heritage

Did you want to go and see the Take That reunion, but were put off by a) the superfast ticket sales, or b) the thought of standing in a vast empty room surrounded by idiots screaming at four fat old men? Well, there’s an alternative.

Because East 17 – Take That’s early nineties semi-rivals – have leapt on the cash-in bandwagon reunited too. Only, not too many people wanted to see the East 17 reunion and they’ve all got really fat and their songs were rubbish anyway. Sounds like a good night out…

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Mariah Carey Insures Her Giant Billion Dollar Goddess Legs

by Stuart Heritage

Sometimes you just have to say a name and a wealth of images and words bubble into your mind. Try it with Mariah Carey; what are you thinking? Diva? Warbling? Oddball? Giant Billion Dollar Goddess Legs?

If the final one wasn’t in your list, it should be now. Because Mariah Carey has finally been awarded the title of Legs Of A Goddess in a shameless publicity opportunity sparkling event laid on by a shaving company. And, to make the most of this weird Goddess Leg thing, Mariah Carey has had her legs insured for a billion dollars, a move which has sort of put the kibosh on Mariah Carey taking up the problem holding position for England at the World Cup next month.

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Morrissey: ‘Let’s Attack Lab Workers’

by C J Davies

Mountain-quiffed former Smiths frontman Morrissey has made the somewhat controversial move of threatening workers at a new Oxford-based animal research lab.

While playing at the city’s New Theatre on Thursday, the middle-aged yelper decided to vent his spleen, launching a savage attack on the £20 million biomedical laboratory currently under construction nearby.

Labelling Oxford “the shame of England,” Moz then stated:

“If you agree with vivisection, go and be vivisected on yourself.”

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Be In A Yeah Yeah Yeahs Video

by Stuart Heritage

Word has reached us of a strange little competition coming out of Camp Yeah Yeah Yeahs. We’d tell it to you, but we’re dreadfully lazy, so it’s a time-honoured cut and paste job for you:

We want to see what you would do if you were playing us in our video for “CHEATED HEARTS” off our new album. We know our fans do it like no other, now’s your chance to put us to shame.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS

1) Send it on DV TAPE
2) Dress the part!
3) Blast the music in the background and play or sing over it…
4) Get lost in the song make it YOURS.
5) Got guitar? mic? drums? Use’em! Got no such things? Fake it, use what you got around the house, be resourceful yeah!
6) Do as many performances as you need, we will edit it! Try and make them different: FULL BODY, CLOSE-UP, MEDIUM, FROM THE SIDE, inside,outside, etc. Do the Nick, do the Brian, do the Karen O.
7)IMPORTANT: AT LEAST HALF OF YOUR PERFORMANCE SHOULD BE AGAINST A WHITE WALL, or sheet. SO DO IT ONCE IN FRONT OF A WHITE WALL AND ONCE ANYWAY YOU WANT.
8) SEND IT TO US, DO IT QUICKLY….YOU WILL BE BIGGER THAN THE SOUND.

-Please address exactly like below to guarantee proper delivery.

*Send United States and Canada VIDEO contest submissions to:

YEAH YEAH YEAHS video contest
8033 Sunset Boulevard , # 2250
Hollywood, CA 90046

*Send INTERNATIONAL video contest submissions to:

YEAH YEAH YEAHS video contest/o Polydor Ltd
364-366 Kensington High Street
London W14 8NS

** With your video submission , you must print out and include a signed, completed copy of the release form (http://www.yeahyeahyeahs.com/cheatedhearts/cheatedheartsvideorelease.doc).

Please have all entries postmarked by June 12, 2006.

Um, yeah. What they said.

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Watch The Young Knives She’s Attracted To Video

by Stuart Heritage

We don’t know about you, but we’re fed up with songs about lovely things like love and flowers and rainbows. We wants to watch pudgy men dressed like Dennis The Menace shouting the plot of Meet The Parents in a really angry way.

In short, we want She’s Attracted To by The Young Knives. Because She’s Attracted To by The Young Knives is exactly that: a sort of warped, snotty shouting recollection of the time when one of The Young Knives – let’s say the fat one – went to his girlfriend’s parents house for dinner and ended up fighting with them. She’s Attracted To is a whole lot of big dumb fun that ticks all the boxes in the ‘perfect pop song’ list. Because She’s Attracted To by The Young Knives has it all; a stupid repetitive riff, a vocal that sounds like a nutter railing at you on the bus, a video about some cockroaches crawling out of some ice cream and the line “You were screaming at your Mum and I was punching your Dad,” shouted 12 times in a row. Don’t believe us? Here’s The Young Knives She’s Attracted To video for you.

Watch The Young Knives She’s Attracted To Video now

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Michael Jackson Makes The Japanese Scream

by Stuart Heritage

Whisper it, but you’re witnessing something that many of you thought you’d never see – a Michael Jackson comeback. Slowly but surely, Michael Jackson is edging back into the public eye.

The latest public sighting of Michael Jackson was at an awards ceremony in Tokyo, where he accepted a hastily invented deeply prestigious Legend award at the MTV Japan Video Music Awards ceremony. And in return, Michael Jackson told the Japanese fans that he loves them very much. Which is sweet, if hardly surprising. If you showed Michael Jackson a bottle of badger diarrhea, he’d tell it that he loved it very much.

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Gwen Stefani Has A Baby Too

by Stuart Heritage

At the moment, everyone is all like “Shiloh Nouvel Shiloh Nouvel Shiloh Nouvel,” but, if they want to be fair, they should be complementing that with “Kingston James McGregor Rossdale Kingston James McGregor Rossdale Kingston James McGregor Rossdale.”

Why? Why should we be trying to spit out that ridiculously long name? Because Gwen Stefani of No Doubt and Gwen Stefani fame has just had a baby too. And it’s a boy, called – duh – Kingston James McGregor Rossdale, which is almost a normal name for a celebrity baby. We can’t help feeling a bit disappointed, though – in the Gwen Stefani baby office sweepstakes, we’d picked the name Kazumi Godzilla Banana Swallowed Rossdale. Oh well, better luck next time.

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