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Music News

Joss Stone Brits Mental Breakdown Due To ‘Nerves’

by C J Davies

People cope with stress in different ways.

Take hecklerspray, for example. Whenever we’re worried about something, we just run a nice hot bath, put on a nice relaxing CD in the background, then crumble 27 nice paracetamol tablets into a nice mug of Lemsip and gulp down the lot in one go. By the time we wake up – surrounded by puke and cold bathtub water – we’ve usually forgotten all about what was bothering us in the first place.

Soul singstress Joss Stone, however, seems to have come up with another method for coping with those butterfly-in-stomach moments – namely the ‘stagger onto stage at an awards ceremony speaking in a foreign accent and generally rambling about nothing in particular’ technique.

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Deliberately Inflammatory Brian May Post

by Stuart Heritage

One of the best things about the internet is that it gives everyone a voice, from whip-smart hip-cat pop culture commentators (coughhecklerspraycough) to people who collect dolls that look like Princess Diana to phenomenally grumpy middle-aged rock stars.

That last category consists of Brian May from Queen and nobody else, by the way. It’s come to our attention via Idolator that Brian May hates just about every living creature on the face of the planet and, since he’s got his own blog now, he can basically froth and rant against the world like a bitter old lady in a bus queue. And we want in.

So far we’ve counted The Guardian, Drowned In Sound, Suggs From Madness, eBay, all Spanish people and every journalist that has ever lived in Brian May’s big list of things to get shitty about. Noticed that hecklerspray isn’t on that list? We have, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to sit here and let that happen. That’s why, after the jump, we’re going to make up 10 dreadful lies about Brian May with the sole intention of getting him to admit that he doesn’t much care for hecklerspray on his blog…

One of the best things about the internet is that it gives everyone a voice, from whip-smart hip-cat pop culture commentators (coughhecklerspraycough) to people who collect dolls that look like Princess Diana to phenomenally grumpy middle-aged rock stars. That last category consists of Brian May from Queen and nobody else, by the way. It's come to our attention via Idolator that Brian May hates just about every living creature on the face of the planet and, since he's got his own blog now, he can basically froth and rant against the world like a bitter old lady in a bus queue. And we want in. So far we've counted The Guardian, Drowned In Sound, Suggs From Madness, eBay, all Spanish people and every journalist that has ever lived in Brian May's big list of things to get shitty about. Noticed that hecklerspray isn't on that list? We have, and we'll be damned if we're going to sit here and let that happen. That's why, after the jump, we're going to make up 10 dreadful lies about Brian May with the sole intention of getting him to admit that he doesn't much care for hecklerspray on his blog...
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Al Gore Ready to Shake His Groove Thing for the Environment

by hecklerspray staff

Former US vice president Al Gore is a lover, not a fighter. He may not be the most successful, smartest, most charming, handsomest, strongest, most successful or best-smelling politician out there, but he is committed to that which he loves – planet earth.

In fact, Al Gore loves the earth so much that he’s promoting a series of concerts in which scads of musicians will come together to increase awareness about the perils of global warming. We think this may be the best idea Big Al’s had since we heard he invented the Internet and, thus, us.

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Milli Vanilli: The Movie – Probably Coming Soon

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a well-established fact that if you want to get hold of an Oscar, you need to make a film about a dead singer – but it seems like the only dead singer left is that dead bloke from Milli Vanilli, because someone’s decided to make a Milli Vanilli movie.

Reports are suggesting that Universal is putting together a Milli Vanilli biopic to be written and directed by Jeff Nathanson. Nathanson also wrote the last two Rush Hour sequels, so we can accurately predict that the Milli Vanilli movie will see Milli Vanilli walk into a room of bad guys, then Milli will say something stupid that enrages the bad guys before Vanilli is forced to kung-fu them out of the room and into another room where exactly the same things happen. Then they win a Grammy, give it back and one of them dies. Oh, and he also wrote Speed 2: Cruise Control, so all this will happen on a fast boat. Girl you know it’s true, as a wise man once mimed.

It's a well-established fact that if you want to get hold of an Oscar, you need to make a film about a dead singer - but it seems like the only dead singer left is that dead bloke from Milli Vanilli, because someone's decided to make a Milli Vanilli movie. Reports are suggesting that Universal is putting together a Milli Vanilli biopic to be written and directed by Jeff Nathanson. Nathanson also wrote the last two Rush Hour sequels, so we can accurately predict that the Milli Vanilli movie will see Milli Vanilli walk into a room of bad guys, then Milli will say something stupid that enrages the bad guys before Vanilli is forced to kung-fu them out of the room and into another room where exactly the same things happen. Then they win a Grammy, give it back and one of them dies. Oh, and he also wrote Speed 2: Cruise Control, so all this will happen on a fast boat. Girl you know it's true, as a wise man once mimed.
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The Brits 2007: Arctic Monkeys Win – Remember Them?

by Stuart Heritage

Last night’s Brit Awards were the first Brit Awards to be televised live for a few years, lending events an edge of danger – literally anything could happen, and if it did you could be sure that ITV would politely dip the sound until it stopped happening.

It’s a sad state of affairs when Joss Stone is the most rock and roll thing at an awards ceremony, but – hey – that’s The Brits. The big winners of The Brit Awards last night were Arctic Monkeys, who didn’t turn up; The Killers, who did turn up but nobody really noticed; and Amy Winehouse, who turned up, sang a song, got given an award, sort of didn’t understand how to work her microphone and walked off again. And Lily Allen didn’t win a single thing. Hooray for The Brit Awards!

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Boring Lily Allen Calls Other Boring Singer ‘Boring’

by C J Davies

‘Exciting’ really is a subjective term.

For example, if you asked hecklerspray to picture something ‘exciting’, we’d probably suggest white-water-rafting in a river full of mutant sharks. Or maybe ram-raiding a petrol station while smoking cigarettes in a car made of balsa wood. Or possibly the wildest idea we can think of: staying out really late until our mum shouts at us.

‘Exciting’, however, is not a word we’d use to describe the music of Lily Allen. If we were being kind, we’d say ‘overplayed’. If we were being moderate, we’d say ‘not our cup of tea.’ And if we were being vicious – i.e. ourselves – we’d say ‘unmitigated cack’.

In Lily Allen’s mind, though, things are different. It’s slowly becoming clear that she sees yakking away in a pretend-Brixton accent while occasionally taking recreational drugs as being on a revolutionary par with Abbie Hoffman or something.

How else could you justify the pot-calling-kettle action of Lily slagging off fellow Brit Nominee Corinne Bailey Rae?

'Exciting' really is a subjective term. For example, if you asked hecklerspray to picture something 'exciting', we'd probably suggest white-water-rafting in a river full of mutant sharks. Or maybe ram-raiding a petrol station while smoking cigarettes in a car made of balsa wood. Or possibly the wildest idea we can think of: staying out really late until our mum shouts at us. 'Exciting', however, is not a word we'd use to describe the music of Lily Allen. If we were being kind, we'd say 'overplayed'. If we were being moderate, we'd say 'not our cup of tea.' And if we were being vicious - i.e. ourselves - we'd say 'unmitigated cack'. In Lily Allen's mind, though, things are different. It's slowly becoming clear that she sees yakking away in a pretend-Brixton accent while occasionally taking recreational drugs as being on a revolutionary par with Abbie Hoffman or something. How else could you justify the pot-calling-kettle action of Lily slagging off fellow Brit Nominee Corinne Bailey Rae?
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Robbie Williams Goes To Rehab Again

by Stuart Heritage

Today is Robbie Williams’ birthday, and he’s celebrating in a time-honoured way – by realising that he’s got a huge dependency on prescription medication and clattering off to rehab before anyone can say “Of course, Gary Barlow was always the talented one.”

According to a brief statement by one of his spokespeople, Robbie Williams had admitted himself to an unknown rehab facility in America to battle another round of substance abuse problems – this time it’s apparently prescription medication that Robbie is trying to kick. The timing of Robbie Williams’ newest stint in rehab literally couldn’t have been worse – not because of Take That’s career rebirth or the effect it’ll have on the promotion of his new album, but because we only just sent him a giftwrapped gigantopack of Dilaudid for his birthday. In retrospect we should have probably got Robbie a Build-A-Bear Workshop voucher instead.

Today is Robbie Williams' birthday, and he's celebrating in a time-honoured way - by realising that he's got a huge dependency on prescription medication and clattering off to rehab before anyone can say "Of course, Gary Barlow was always the talented one." According to a brief statement by one of his spokespeople, Robbie Williams had admitted himself to an unknown rehab facility in America to battle another round of substance abuse problems - this time it's apparently prescription medication that Robbie is trying to kick. The timing of Robbie Williams' newest stint in rehab literally couldn't have been worse - not because of Take That's career rebirth or the effect it'll have on the promotion of his new album, but because we only just sent him a giftwrapped gigantopack of Dilaudid for his birthday. In retrospect we should have probably got Robbie a Build-A-Bear Workshop voucher instead.
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The Police To Be Vastly Smug Around The World This Year

by Stuart Heritage

OK – good news and bad news. The bad news is that The Police have announced a brand new world tour, so Sting’s big smug face will be even more ubiquitous than usual this year – but the good news is he’ll be too busy to play his effing lute any more.

At their special concert at the Whisky-A-Go-Go in Los Angeles yesterday – which really turned out to be four songs and a bit of a natter with Sting and the other two – The Police revealed that they’re going to embark upon a world tour starting in America from May this year. But why did Sting decide to reform The Police now? Was it nostalgia? Fun? A chance to show how critically relevant The Police still are? Or might it have something to do with the hundreds of millions of dollars that a world tour will earn them? Maybe we’ll never know.

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Brits Announce Crappy Live Voting Best Single Nominees

by Stuart Heritage

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day, but don’t worry if you’ve got nobody to share your love with – you can stay indoors and watch The Brits on TV instead; because watching Snow Patrol get given a metal trinket is more or less the same as kissing a girl, right?

This year The Brits are going to be more dangerous than ever. Russell Brand is on hosting duties, the ceremony is being broadcast live for the first time in 18 years and notorious hell-raising anarcopunk death-warrior Corrine Bailey Rae is performing one of her controversial hardline political gangsta gabba emo anthems live. Literally anything could happen! To seize upon the live nature of tomorrow’s Brits, Brit Award organisers have decided to let viewers choose the winner of the Best British Single award live via text message. It’s a nice idea, and it’d be even nicer if it didn’t seem like the nominees were chosen only because they have fans stupid enough to fall for a moronic stunt like this.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day, but don't worry if you've got nobody to share your love with - you can stay indoors and watch The Brits on TV instead; because watching Snow Patrol get given a metal trinket is more or less the same as kissing a girl, right? This year The Brits are going to be more dangerous than ever. Russell Brand is on hosting duties, the ceremony is being broadcast live for the first time in 18 years and notorious hell-raising anarcopunk death-warrior Corrine Bailey Rae is performing one of her controversial hardline political gangsta gabba emo anthems live. Literally anything could happen! To seize upon the live nature of tomorrow's Brits, Brit Award organisers have decided to let viewers choose the winner of the Best British Single award live via text message. It's a nice idea, and it'd be even nicer if it didn't seem like the nominees were chosen only because they have fans stupid enough to fall for a moronic stunt like this.
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Dixie Chicks Win All Sorts Of Grammys

by Stuart Heritage

A few years ago The Dixie Chicks said that George Bush looked like a big stupid monkey-headed ass-clown and their career was almost destroyed because of it – but now everyone else agrees, so The Dixie Chicks have gone back to winning Grammys again.

Last night’s Grammy awards marked the official comeback of The Dixie Chicks. Winning five of the biggest Grammy categories, The Dixie Chicks either proved that they were right about the president all along or that people were just thankful that in their last album they packed in all that useless fiddle-de-dee nonsense for once. Either way it doesn’t matter because – thanks to them winning five Grammy Awards out of the blue – The Dixie Chicks upstaged Sting, so we’re forever in their debt.

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